I'm still in here!

[[Su...]]

Back in the summer of 2015 I was doing pretty good....I had retired in 2013, had a beautiful wife, 2 kids, and 3 grandchildren. I played Senior softball a couple times a week, did some golfing, which I love and spent lots of time playing with my grandkids. My wife and I went to the beach probably 2-3 times a week as it was only 30 minutes away and I loved looking at the horizon, listening to the surf (I used to surf as a teen) and loved the "clarity" and the beautiful "colors" of God's creation.

 

Back 5 years earlier I had back problems and stress from work and a doctor gave me .5 Klonopin and told me they would help relax my back and were good for just general stress relief, he said to take them as needed. I was working graveyard shifts, which I'd been doing for years. He was right, they were a miracle drug. I took maybe 2-3 a week and they also helped me get some sleep on those tough days. I never took them more than that and didn't even know "benzos".

A few months after I had my 1st ever panic attack, which I felt at the time was caused solely by stress from my job. It was horrible as anyone whose had one knows and I thought I was dying. I talked to a counselor at my church and they told me to breath in a paper bag and try to relax, that they wouldn't kill me....but would eventually subside.

The next time I saw my Family Dr, who had given me the Klonopin he said it would help me with the panic attacks, so the next time I felt close to having one I would take one. I had never been fond of taking much medicine, but this K really helped the attack subside. Continuing on this course I would take only a couple a week, with the exception of when I felt a panic attack coming on, even though I would try the paper bag trick 1st. I had only 2 more full blown attacks in the next couple years heading into retirement, knowing I was retiring was beneficial to my peace of mind. I totally quit taking the K and never even thought about it.....

 

Back to retirement life, I had been a little over 2 years into it and was having some stomach issues including some severe pains. I went to a few doctors and changed family doctors, as my old one had been "let go"?

I went to the new family doctor and told him I was retired, had some stomach pain that was severe but was happy in general. He said does the pain get you depressed? I really didn't know what to say...I said I didn't like it but I wasn't really depressed. He said I got something I want you to try, it will help, Lexapro. I said no thanks (not really knowing anything about antidepressants), he said just try it; what can one hurt. If you don't like it just quit. I went to check out and noticed the clock on the wall was a Lexapro clock, the ashtray had Lexapro on it. Didn't know about Big Pharma...

I picked up the prescription and still had some reservations as I was doing fine, I thought  except for my stomach pains. I told my wife and she said "well you can try one, if you don't like it, quit".

Sounds like a plan. That evening I decided to try one....Disaster! The worst panic attack I had ever had came on. My muscles became stiff and rigid and I had 102 fever. My wife called the doctor for me as I was panicking, hitting my hands on the dresser, having spasms, etc.

The nurse said the doctor said we'll send you some Klonopin to take.

I had not even thought of K in a couple of years, had zero panic attacks until the Lexapro and was extremely anxious. I took one dose of K and it helped a little, then another the next morning.

I ended up in the ER and they believed I had "Serotonin Syndrome" the night before and could have died. I had never heard of it, but did some reading on it, and decided I would try even more to stay completely away from drugs as much as possible.

I had another panic attack 7 days later and took another K to help it...I was trying to stay away from as much as possible. Had another a month later, took a K then 3 months later, took a K. I was pretty proud of myself  as there were several more times I "needed" a K but toughed it out. I had did a little reading and found that the K was something you should wean off of, I had never even thought of that as I had no problem coasting off of it when I retired. I thought the Lexapro had done something to me that upset my equilibrium and the K kind of helped it back to the middle, especially reading about Serotonin and its effect on you.

This whole time I was still having the stomach issues, and had been referred to Gastrointestinal doctors. The doctor put me on Phenergan to help my nausea and said it would help me sleep some too. They ordered an MRI too. The MRI came back and was told I had Mesenteric Paniculitis, an autoimmune disease that is extremely rare. I had begun to lose weight and would lose almost 40 pounds in under 2 months. They said I could possibly have lymphoma, as it was similar in symptoms. I was having a rough time and still taking the Phenergan, now twice a day for 45 days, as per my GI doctor. I started getting extremely agitated and anxious, shaking, tremors, pacing the floor....all of a sudden. My mind raced, I couldn't sit down, relax, watch tv, read. I was nervous and jittery all day. I tried taking the K I had from before and it didn't touch it at all, in fact it was much worse. Panic attacks 3-4 a day, beating my head on the door jams, opening and closing cabinets, I couldn't sit still.

I self checked myself in to a Psych Hospital hoping they would help, I was even having suicidal thoughts. The 1st one took me in at 9 am, put me in a room with many other "crazy" people, who seemed just like me. At 5 PM they said we're calling your wife to come get you, without anyone even speaking to me.

I was even more delirious, I had went there begging for help. They kicked me to the curb. My wife took me to a different psych hospital 2 days later as I was still having major issues. They took me in and gave me a shot of Ativan...and it calmed me for a few hours. It felt so good to have my mind slow for just a minute, but then it was gone. They gave me K, Ativan, Visteril and Thorazine. Thorazine is known as "chemical labotomy" in the psych world, as it was used to warehouse patients back in the 50's and 60's to keep them quiet. DON'T EVER TAKE THIS! I had no choice, as I was in a hospital with locked doors and my wife wasn't allowed in.

Don't ever go into one of these if you have a choice!!!! I don't know how  I even made it through.

After getting out I was determined to try to get off all these psychological drugs. I had been diagnosed with "acute anxiety" but was given psychotropic drugs on top of other drugs along with the Phenergan, that I later found out, is used in Europe for anxiety and according to the manufacturer, should not be taken for longer than 7 days, I had been on it for 45 days....I tried on my release from the hospital to go cold Turkey on everything. I went to a neurologist who diagnosed me with drug induced Akathasia. I was pacing 18 hours a day, sleeping 0-1 hr a day for weeks. I couldn't leave my house, I suffered from severe agoraphobia for 9+ months after this. I cried everyday. I had no rest, especially mentally. I begged God every day for months to please take me....I don't even know how other parts of my anatomy functioned with No sleep. After the 1st month out of the hospital, I tried to find some stuff on line, anything, everything that might help. My mind was totally consumed with the drugs, and how to get off.

I found some videos on YouTube about tapering, and then found Benzo Buddies!.....You mean other people have been through this? I asked questions and watched taper videos....SG57, a buddy who is still suffering,  gave me some advice, advice that was instrumental. I watched a video from a guy from Canada named ,Crazy Canuck.

I went back on K with the hope of tapering this time. It wasn't easy....I was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, and Tardive dyskinesia by 2 different Neurologists.

The 1st 9 months after the hospital, including the start of my K taper were horrible. I did a milk titration, I had a Chemistry background, so that helped a little. My wife would watch me measure the milk and take my dose each night...It was instrumental to have my wife stay with me. She has her own health issues, and I've always took care of her. The tables were reversed and now she was taking care of me. It wasn't easy, she struggled as she's never had anxiety and at 1st couldn't understand why I just didn't tell myself to "get over it". But she fought through it too...it was very hard on her too.

I tapered for 11 months reducing by .001mg a night. I saw an Endocrinologist for my Cortisol levels and he checked them. They were supposed to be no higher than 20, but came back 76. He said let's try again, maybe it was a mistake. The 2nd time came back 426....over 20 times normal. No wonder I was wired everyday, especially in the morning starting at 3am, like clockwork. He initially diagnosed me with Cushing's disease.

Today as I write this I'm 19 months from my last crumb of K. I also tapered off Nexium, which I had been on for 10years for reflux. I take nothing anymore, maybe a Tylenol once a week or so.

Last month my wife and I took an impromptu road trip for 4 days, we went to a concert, ate at some cool places, did horseback riding, hiked in the mountains and went to watch The University of Alabama have their fall football fan day. I'm coaching my grandson's soccer team, playing golf, going to the beach....loving life.

I can actually sit down, and relax!!! I have "clarity" again!!, I see "colors" again.

I've gained back my weight, (maybe too much:))

I reached a point after that 9 months of asking God to take me, that I turned a corner and asked God to help me.

Make it through the next moment, the next hour, the next day....don't give up! Don't let the drug, the evil win!

It seems as though all the diagnoses, except the Drug induced Akathasia, were maybe ALL because of drugs....no Parkinson's, no tardive dyskinesia, no Cushing's, perhaps never even Mesenteric Paniculitis???

I can't say for sure what tomorrow will bring.....but I've been through HELL and made it. There was a time I thought there was NO WAY!!!

HANG IN THERE!

I used to tell my wife when I was at my worst that I was in here somewhere....pointing to my heart. Well I'm here...I really was still in there!

Love to each of you! You can do it!!! I did it, so can you!

 

Things that helped

Keep a journal.... write how you feel, grade your anxiety, how you feel, etc.

You don't notice things when you're in the middle of the forest, but as you journey and read back, you'll see you're making progress.

Distract....everyone says this and it's true. My 5 year old grandson would come by and "play" with me...color, cards, Hot Wheels cars. It helped immensely.

Try to accomplish small things, wash the dishes,  fold clothes, anything.

 

I noticed that during my withdrawal I had extreme feelings, I wanted to die, I hated things like never before, I was so jealous of everything and everybody. I believe the drugs bring out the very worst of you. After making it thru this I'm more patient, more relaxed than I've ever been. I appreciate the small things, I love more, I appreciate everything. I'm at peace, I know based on what I've been through I'm tougher than I ever was.

I hope sharing the tough parts help someone. I used to read the Success Stories wondering sometimes maybe they were made up, maybe the administrators were just posting things to keep us coming back.

I really made it! Woo hoo! You will too!!!

 

Symptoms I struggled with the most....

Akathasia

Insomnia

Anxiety

Depression

Muscle pain (especially neck and shoulder)

Headache

Spasms

Twitching

Hypersalivation (mouth watering so much I would have a pool on my pillow)

Eye pain

Cold intolerent

Crying every day

Could not relax, rest.

Intrusive thoughts (They're not You!)

Mind racing incessantly

Tinnitus

All the other ones too!

 

Except for Tinnitus and some neck pains and headaches they are ALL GONE!

 

SORRY FOR THE LENGTHY SUMMATION BUT HOPE IT HELPS SOMEONE

Prayers and Hope for you all....

Love,

 

B strong

 

This too shall pass....

Thank you, I'm new to this hell. I have suicidal thoughts too... Hanging on by a thin thread. Need to hear the success stories.

[[B ...]]

B strong,

 

It's always lovely to read your updates. It sounds like you're truly living life to the full...I'm so happy for you! Cherish every second with that precious family of yours.

 

Thoughts are with you in this time of taking care of your mother.

 

Thank you for always spreading hope on here. Wishing you all the love and happiness your heart can hold.

 

Wildflower

💕

Thanks so much Wildflower for your nice thoughts! Hope you are having good days and are hopeful you can smile and have some joy!❤Thanks for wishes for my mom....funny I noticed the quote on your page from Dr. Zhivago! Happens to be my mom's favorite movie!😊

 

Prayers for you Wildflower!🥰

 

B strong

[[B ...]]

Thank you so much b strong for never forgetting to drop by and tell us all, we can do this.  I love your posts!  Mary 💜💜

Mary,

Thanks for always having a kind word!❤

Saw where you had planned on resuming your liquid taper in January....hope your having success moving forward and can feel the strength to bust through. Good luck and God bless Mary!🥰👌

B strong

[[B ...]]

Thanks for sharing your story. I was a long time user of K (clonazepam) >15 yrs. I am 11 months out, noticed one comment you made about cortisol showing out at 3Am. I think, very sure actually that is happening to me. Wake up somewhat startled and struggle getting back to sleep.

 

What did you do to relieve the cortisol??

 

Keep up posted, your story gives hope to all of us and those yet to find us.

 

J

 

Hey J,

Hope you have some relief with your cortisol problems. Mine was horrible...3am every morning like clockwork whether I had any sleep or not I was startled and wired. Couldn't get sleep for months after 3am because of this. I saw Endocrinologists who did cortisol tests. Number was supposed to be below 20. Had an early one that was 76. Dr said might just be a false positive because it was so high. Did another one and it was 426!!! He was blown away. Said that was like your adrenaline was functioning like you were being chased by wolves. Told me I probably had Cushing's disease and would possibly need surgery on my pituitary gland. Wanted to do tests using prednisone, which I decided against because of steroids not being good for withdrawal. Glad I begged off, because it just took time! I also know many people go through the surgery based on a test that produces many false positive results.

I wonder how many people over treat symptoms that are drug induced things doctors diagnose as diseases. It is very hard to get through the cortisol bursts, but for it eventually happened. Like most things in this battle it's not quick.....but if you fight through it you will see hope. Wish you well 👍

 

B strong

[[B ...]]

Thank you, B Strong, for dropping by.  I’ve read your success story many times and it’s  so wonderful of you to continue to encourage those of us who are still in the weeds.  I’m so glad you’re doing well, though I’m sorry to hear about your mother.

Best to you,

Flibberty

Flibberty,

Thanks for the wishes for my mom! Hope you find your way through the weeds! Prayers for your success!!!❤❤

 

B strong

[[B ...]]

Back in the summer of 2015 I was doing pretty good....I had retired in 2013, had a beautiful wife, 2 kids, and 3 grandchildren. I played Senior softball a couple times a week, did some golfing, which I love and spent lots of time playing with my grandkids. My wife and I went to the beach probably 2-3 times a week as it was only 30 minutes away and I loved looking at the horizon, listening to the surf (I used to surf as a teen) and loved the "clarity" and the beautiful "colors" of God's creation.

 

Back 5 years earlier I had back problems and stress from work and a doctor gave me .5 Klonopin and told me they would help relax my back and were good for just general stress relief, he said to take them as needed. I was working graveyard shifts, which I'd been doing for years. He was right, they were a miracle drug. I took maybe 2-3 a week and they also helped me get some sleep on those tough days. I never took them more than that and didn't even know "benzos".

A few months after I had my 1st ever panic attack, which I felt at the time was caused solely by stress from my job. It was horrible as anyone whose had one knows and I thought I was dying. I talked to a counselor at my church and they told me to breath in a paper bag and try to relax, that they wouldn't kill me....but would eventually subside.

The next time I saw my Family Dr, who had given me the Klonopin he said it would help me with the panic attacks, so the next time I felt close to having one I would take one. I had never been fond of taking much medicine, but this K really helped the attack subside. Continuing on this course I would take only a couple a week, with the exception of when I felt a panic attack coming on, even though I would try the paper bag trick 1st. I had only 2 more full blown attacks in the next couple years heading into retirement, knowing I was retiring was beneficial to my peace of mind. I totally quit taking the K and never even thought about it.....

 

Back to retirement life, I had been a little over 2 years into it and was having some stomach issues including some severe pains. I went to a few doctors and changed family doctors, as my old one had been "let go"?

I went to the new family doctor and told him I was retired, had some stomach pain that was severe but was happy in general. He said does the pain get you depressed? I really didn't know what to say...I said I didn't like it but I wasn't really depressed. He said I got something I want you to try, it will help, Lexapro. I said no thanks (not really knowing anything about antidepressants), he said just try it; what can one hurt. If you don't like it just quit. I went to check out and noticed the clock on the wall was a Lexapro clock, the ashtray had Lexapro on it. Didn't know about Big Pharma...

I picked up the prescription and still had some reservations as I was doing fine, I thought  except for my stomach pains. I told my wife and she said "well you can try one, if you don't like it, quit".

Sounds like a plan. That evening I decided to try one....Disaster! The worst panic attack I had ever had came on. My muscles became stiff and rigid and I had 102 fever. My wife called the doctor for me as I was panicking, hitting my hands on the dresser, having spasms, etc.

The nurse said the doctor said we'll send you some Klonopin to take.

I had not even thought of K in a couple of years, had zero panic attacks until the Lexapro and was extremely anxious. I took one dose of K and it helped a little, then another the next morning.

I ended up in the ER and they believed I had "Serotonin Syndrome" the night before and could have died. I had never heard of it, but did some reading on it, and decided I would try even more to stay completely away from drugs as much as possible.

I had another panic attack 7 days later and took another K to help it...I was trying to stay away from as much as possible. Had another a month later, took a K then 3 months later, took a K. I was pretty proud of myself  as there were several more times I "needed" a K but toughed it out. I had did a little reading and found that the K was something you should wean off of, I had never even thought of that as I had no problem coasting off of it when I retired. I thought the Lexapro had done something to me that upset my equilibrium and the K kind of helped it back to the middle, especially reading about Serotonin and its effect on you.

This whole time I was still having the stomach issues, and had been referred to Gastrointestinal doctors. The doctor put me on Phenergan to help my nausea and said it would help me sleep some too. They ordered an MRI too. The MRI came back and was told I had Mesenteric Paniculitis, an autoimmune disease that is extremely rare. I had begun to lose weight and would lose almost 40 pounds in under 2 months. They said I could possibly have lymphoma, as it was similar in symptoms. I was having a rough time and still taking the Phenergan, now twice a day for 45 days, as per my GI doctor. I started getting extremely agitated and anxious, shaking, tremors, pacing the floor....all of a sudden. My mind raced, I couldn't sit down, relax, watch tv, read. I was nervous and jittery all day. I tried taking the K I had from before and it didn't touch it at all, in fact it was much worse. Panic attacks 3-4 a day, beating my head on the door jams, opening and closing cabinets, I couldn't sit still.

I self checked myself in to a Psych Hospital hoping they would help, I was even having suicidal thoughts. The 1st one took me in at 9 am, put me in a room with many other "crazy" people, who seemed just like me. At 5 PM they said we're calling your wife to come get you, without anyone even speaking to me.

I was even more delirious, I had went there begging for help. They kicked me to the curb. My wife took me to a different psych hospital 2 days later as I was still having major issues. They took me in and gave me a shot of Ativan...and it calmed me for a few hours. It felt so good to have my mind slow for just a minute, but then it was gone. They gave me K, Ativan, Visteril and Thorazine. Thorazine is known as "chemical labotomy" in the psych world, as it was used to warehouse patients back in the 50's and 60's to keep them quiet. DON'T EVER TAKE THIS! I had no choice, as I was in a hospital with locked doors and my wife wasn't allowed in.

Don't ever go into one of these if you have a choice!!!! I don't know how  I even made it through.

After getting out I was determined to try to get off all these psychological drugs. I had been diagnosed with "acute anxiety" but was given psychotropic drugs on top of other drugs along with the Phenergan, that I later found out, is used in Europe for anxiety and according to the manufacturer, should not be taken for longer than 7 days, I had been on it for 45 days....I tried on my release from the hospital to go cold Turkey on everything. I went to a neurologist who diagnosed me with drug induced Akathasia. I was pacing 18 hours a day, sleeping 0-1 hr a day for weeks. I couldn't leave my house, I suffered from severe agoraphobia for 9+ months after this. I cried everyday. I had no rest, especially mentally. I begged God every day for months to please take me....I don't even know how other parts of my anatomy functioned with No sleep. After the 1st month out of the hospital, I tried to find some stuff on line, anything, everything that might help. My mind was totally consumed with the drugs, and how to get off.

I found some videos on YouTube about tapering, and then found Benzo Buddies!.....You mean other people have been through this? I asked questions and watched taper videos....SG57, a buddy who is still suffering,  gave me some advice, advice that was instrumental. I watched a video from a guy from Canada named ,Crazy Canuck.

I went back on K with the hope of tapering this time. It wasn't easy....I was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, and Tardive dyskinesia by 2 different Neurologists.

The 1st 9 months after the hospital, including the start of my K taper were horrible. I did a milk titration, I had a Chemistry background, so that helped a little. My wife would watch me measure the milk and take my dose each night...It was instrumental to have my wife stay with me. She has her own health issues, and I've always took care of her. The tables were reversed and now she was taking care of me. It wasn't easy, she struggled as she's never had anxiety and at 1st couldn't understand why I just didn't tell myself to "get over it". But she fought through it too...it was very hard on her too.

I tapered for 11 months reducing by .001mg a night. I saw an Endocrinologist for my Cortisol levels and he checked them. They were supposed to be no higher than 20, but came back 76. He said let's try again, maybe it was a mistake. The 2nd time came back 426....over 20 times normal. No wonder I was wired everyday, especially in the morning starting at 3am, like clockwork. He initially diagnosed me with Cushing's disease.

Today as I write this I'm 19 months from my last crumb of K. I also tapered off Nexium, which I had been on for 10years for reflux. I take nothing anymore, maybe a Tylenol once a week or so.

Last month my wife and I took an impromptu road trip for 4 days, we went to a concert, ate at some cool places, did horseback riding, hiked in the mountains and went to watch The University of Alabama have their fall football fan day. I'm coaching my grandson's soccer team, playing golf, going to the beach....loving life.

I can actually sit down, and relax!!! I have "clarity" again!!, I see "colors" again.

I've gained back my weight, (maybe too much:))

I reached a point after that 9 months of asking God to take me, that I turned a corner and asked God to help me.

Make it through the next moment, the next hour, the next day....don't give up! Don't let the drug, the evil win!

It seems as though all the diagnoses, except the Drug induced Akathasia, were maybe ALL because of drugs....no Parkinson's, no tardive dyskinesia, no Cushing's, perhaps never even Mesenteric Paniculitis???

I can't say for sure what tomorrow will bring.....but I've been through HELL and made it. There was a time I thought there was NO WAY!!!

HANG IN THERE!

I used to tell my wife when I was at my worst that I was in here somewhere....pointing to my heart. Well I'm here...I really was still in there!

Love to each of you! You can do it!!! I did it, so can you!

 

Things that helped

Keep a journal.... write how you feel, grade your anxiety, how you feel, etc.

You don't notice things when you're in the middle of the forest, but as you journey and read back, you'll see you're making progress.

Distract....everyone says this and it's true. My 5 year old grandson would come by and "play" with me...color, cards, Hot Wheels cars. It helped immensely.

Try to accomplish small things, wash the dishes,  fold clothes, anything.

 

I noticed that during my withdrawal I had extreme feelings, I wanted to die, I hated things like never before, I was so jealous of everything and everybody. I believe the drugs bring out the very worst of you. After making it thru this I'm more patient, more relaxed than I've ever been. I appreciate the small things, I love more, I appreciate everything. I'm at peace, I know based on what I've been through I'm tougher than I ever was.

I hope sharing the tough parts help someone. I used to read the Success Stories wondering sometimes maybe they were made up, maybe the administrators were just posting things to keep us coming back.

I really made it! Woo hoo! You will too!!!

 

Symptoms I struggled with the most....

Akathasia

Insomnia

Anxiety

Depression

Muscle pain (especially neck and shoulder)

Headache

Spasms

Twitching

Hypersalivation (mouth watering so much I would have a pool on my pillow)

Eye pain

Cold intolerent

Crying every day

Could not relax, rest.

Intrusive thoughts (They're not You!)

Mind racing incessantly

Tinnitus

All the other ones too!

 

Except for Tinnitus and some neck pains and headaches they are ALL GONE!

 

SORRY FOR THE LENGTHY SUMMATION BUT HOPE IT HELPS SOMEONE

Prayers and Hope for you all....

Love,

 

B strong

 

This too shall pass....

Thank you, I'm new to this hell. I have suicidal thoughts too... Hanging on by a thin thread. Need to hear the success stories.

Sunny,

Like many of us the success stories helped get me through the tough days. Ignore those suicidal thoughts! They are the drugs talking NOT YOU!

I was there myself.  Try and survive one more moment, then one more hour, then day and so on.....you will slowly be able to look back and see the road you have traveled and realize you are stronger than you ever imagined!

 

Praying for your clarity of mind!🙏

 

B strong

[[ju...]]

Bstrong, hi again. I dont understand what drugs you ct ed in the hospital and when you went back on k after the hospital? Í am asking this for the similarity between you and me. They gave me three drugs and i quit them after 15&20 days and went back one of them(remeron). You may remember me.

 

Thanks to God, i never used a benzo but My worst sx is still anx. and some new movements in my face nerves are saying this ll go on a little. Lookin on your sign, i find some morale. Please lighten me with your history and i become happy gor the things that i live is just a wave.

[[Su...]]

Back in the summer of 2015 I was doing pretty good....I had retired in 2013, had a beautiful wife, 2 kids, and 3 grandchildren. I played Senior softball a couple times a week, did some golfing, which I love and spent lots of time playing with my grandkids. My wife and I went to the beach probably 2-3 times a week as it was only 30 minutes away and I loved looking at the horizon, listening to the surf (I used to surf as a teen) and loved the "clarity" and the beautiful "colors" of God's creation.

 

Back 5 years earlier I had back problems and stress from work and a doctor gave me .5 Klonopin and told me they would help relax my back and were good for just general stress relief, he said to take them as needed. I was working graveyard shifts, which I'd been doing for years. He was right, they were a miracle drug. I took maybe 2-3 a week and they also helped me get some sleep on those tough days. I never took them more than that and didn't even know "benzos".

A few months after I had my 1st ever panic attack, which I felt at the time was caused solely by stress from my job. It was horrible as anyone whose had one knows and I thought I was dying. I talked to a counselor at my church and they told me to breath in a paper bag and try to relax, that they wouldn't kill me....but would eventually subside.

The next time I saw my Family Dr, who had given me the Klonopin he said it would help me with the panic attacks, so the next time I felt close to having one I would take one. I had never been fond of taking much medicine, but this K really helped the attack subside. Continuing on this course I would take only a couple a week, with the exception of when I felt a panic attack coming on, even though I would try the paper bag trick 1st. I had only 2 more full blown attacks in the next couple years heading into retirement, knowing I was retiring was beneficial to my peace of mind. I totally quit taking the K and never even thought about it.....

 

Back to retirement life, I had been a little over 2 years into it and was having some stomach issues including some severe pains. I went to a few doctors and changed family doctors, as my old one had been "let go"?

I went to the new family doctor and told him I was retired, had some stomach pain that was severe but was happy in general. He said does the pain get you depressed? I really didn't know what to say...I said I didn't like it but I wasn't really depressed. He said I got something I want you to try, it will help, Lexapro. I said no thanks (not really knowing anything about antidepressants), he said just try it; what can one hurt. If you don't like it just quit. I went to check out and noticed the clock on the wall was a Lexapro clock, the ashtray had Lexapro on it. Didn't know about Big Pharma...

I picked up the prescription and still had some reservations as I was doing fine, I thought  except for my stomach pains. I told my wife and she said "well you can try one, if you don't like it, quit".

Sounds like a plan. That evening I decided to try one....Disaster! The worst panic attack I had ever had came on. My muscles became stiff and rigid and I had 102 fever. My wife called the doctor for me as I was panicking, hitting my hands on the dresser, having spasms, etc.

The nurse said the doctor said we'll send you some Klonopin to take.

I had not even thought of K in a couple of years, had zero panic attacks until the Lexapro and was extremely anxious. I took one dose of K and it helped a little, then another the next morning.

I ended up in the ER and they believed I had "Serotonin Syndrome" the night before and could have died. I had never heard of it, but did some reading on it, and decided I would try even more to stay completely away from drugs as much as possible.

I had another panic attack 7 days later and took another K to help it...I was trying to stay away from as much as possible. Had another a month later, took a K then 3 months later, took a K. I was pretty proud of myself  as there were several more times I "needed" a K but toughed it out. I had did a little reading and found that the K was something you should wean off of, I had never even thought of that as I had no problem coasting off of it when I retired. I thought the Lexapro had done something to me that upset my equilibrium and the K kind of helped it back to the middle, especially reading about Serotonin and its effect on you.

This whole time I was still having the stomach issues, and had been referred to Gastrointestinal doctors. The doctor put me on Phenergan to help my nausea and said it would help me sleep some too. They ordered an MRI too. The MRI came back and was told I had Mesenteric Paniculitis, an autoimmune disease that is extremely rare. I had begun to lose weight and would lose almost 40 pounds in under 2 months. They said I could possibly have lymphoma, as it was similar in symptoms. I was having a rough time and still taking the Phenergan, now twice a day for 45 days, as per my GI doctor. I started getting extremely agitated and anxious, shaking, tremors, pacing the floor....all of a sudden. My mind raced, I couldn't sit down, relax, watch tv, read. I was nervous and jittery all day. I tried taking the K I had from before and it didn't touch it at all, in fact it was much worse. Panic attacks 3-4 a day, beating my head on the door jams, opening and closing cabinets, I couldn't sit still.

I self checked myself in to a Psych Hospital hoping they would help, I was even having suicidal thoughts. The 1st one took me in at 9 am, put me in a room with many other "crazy" people, who seemed just like me. At 5 PM they said we're calling your wife to come get you, without anyone even speaking to me.

I was even more delirious, I had went there begging for help. They kicked me to the curb. My wife took me to a different psych hospital 2 days later as I was still having major issues. They took me in and gave me a shot of Ativan...and it calmed me for a few hours. It felt so good to have my mind slow for just a minute, but then it was gone. They gave me K, Ativan, Visteril and Thorazine. Thorazine is known as "chemical labotomy" in the psych world, as it was used to warehouse patients back in the 50's and 60's to keep them quiet. DON'T EVER TAKE THIS! I had no choice, as I was in a hospital with locked doors and my wife wasn't allowed in.

Don't ever go into one of these if you have a choice!!!! I don't know how  I even made it through.

After getting out I was determined to try to get off all these psychological drugs. I had been diagnosed with "acute anxiety" but was given psychotropic drugs on top of other drugs along with the Phenergan, that I later found out, is used in Europe for anxiety and according to the manufacturer, should not be taken for longer than 7 days, I had been on it for 45 days....I tried on my release from the hospital to go cold Turkey on everything. I went to a neurologist who diagnosed me with drug induced Akathasia. I was pacing 18 hours a day, sleeping 0-1 hr a day for weeks. I couldn't leave my house, I suffered from severe agoraphobia for 9+ months after this. I cried everyday. I had no rest, especially mentally. I begged God every day for months to please take me....I don't even know how other parts of my anatomy functioned with No sleep. After the 1st month out of the hospital, I tried to find some stuff on line, anything, everything that might help. My mind was totally consumed with the drugs, and how to get off.

I found some videos on YouTube about tapering, and then found Benzo Buddies!.....You mean other people have been through this? I asked questions and watched taper videos....SG57, a buddy who is still suffering,  gave me some advice, advice that was instrumental. I watched a video from a guy from Canada named ,Crazy Canuck.

I went back on K with the hope of tapering this time. It wasn't easy....I was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, and Tardive dyskinesia by 2 different Neurologists.

The 1st 9 months after the hospital, including the start of my K taper were horrible. I did a milk titration, I had a Chemistry background, so that helped a little. My wife would watch me measure the milk and take my dose each night...It was instrumental to have my wife stay with me. She has her own health issues, and I've always took care of her. The tables were reversed and now she was taking care of me. It wasn't easy, she struggled as she's never had anxiety and at 1st couldn't understand why I just didn't tell myself to "get over it". But she fought through it too...it was very hard on her too.

I tapered for 11 months reducing by .001mg a night. I saw an Endocrinologist for my Cortisol levels and he checked them. They were supposed to be no higher than 20, but came back 76. He said let's try again, maybe it was a mistake. The 2nd time came back 426....over 20 times normal. No wonder I was wired everyday, especially in the morning starting at 3am, like clockwork. He initially diagnosed me with Cushing's disease.

Today as I write this I'm 19 months from my last crumb of K. I also tapered off Nexium, which I had been on for 10years for reflux. I take nothing anymore, maybe a Tylenol once a week or so.

Last month my wife and I took an impromptu road trip for 4 days, we went to a concert, ate at some cool places, did horseback riding, hiked in the mountains and went to watch The University of Alabama have their fall football fan day. I'm coaching my grandson's soccer team, playing golf, going to the beach....loving life.

I can actually sit down, and relax!!! I have "clarity" again!!, I see "colors" again.

I've gained back my weight, (maybe too much:))

I reached a point after that 9 months of asking God to take me, that I turned a corner and asked God to help me.

Make it through the next moment, the next hour, the next day....don't give up! Don't let the drug, the evil win!

It seems as though all the diagnoses, except the Drug induced Akathasia, were maybe ALL because of drugs....no Parkinson's, no tardive dyskinesia, no Cushing's, perhaps never even Mesenteric Paniculitis???

I can't say for sure what tomorrow will bring.....but I've been through HELL and made it. There was a time I thought there was NO WAY!!!

HANG IN THERE!

I used to tell my wife when I was at my worst that I was in here somewhere....pointing to my heart. Well I'm here...I really was still in there!

Love to each of you! You can do it!!! I did it, so can you!

 

Things that helped

Keep a journal.... write how you feel, grade your anxiety, how you feel, etc.

You don't notice things when you're in the middle of the forest, but as you journey and read back, you'll see you're making progress.

Distract....everyone says this and it's true. My 5 year old grandson would come by and "play" with me...color, cards, Hot Wheels cars. It helped immensely.

Try to accomplish small things, wash the dishes,  fold clothes, anything.

 

I noticed that during my withdrawal I had extreme feelings, I wanted to die, I hated things like never before, I was so jealous of everything and everybody. I believe the drugs bring out the very worst of you. After making it thru this I'm more patient, more relaxed than I've ever been. I appreciate the small things, I love more, I appreciate everything. I'm at peace, I know based on what I've been through I'm tougher than I ever was.

I hope sharing the tough parts help someone. I used to read the Success Stories wondering sometimes maybe they were made up, maybe the administrators were just posting things to keep us coming back.

I really made it! Woo hoo! You will too!!!

 

Symptoms I struggled with the most....

Akathasia

Insomnia

Anxiety

Depression

Muscle pain (especially neck and shoulder)

Headache

Spasms

Twitching

Hypersalivation (mouth watering so much I would have a pool on my pillow)

Eye pain

Cold intolerent

Crying every day

Could not relax, rest.

Intrusive thoughts (They're not You!)

Mind racing incessantly

Tinnitus

All the other ones too!

 

Except for Tinnitus and some neck pains and headaches they are ALL GONE!

 

SORRY FOR THE LENGTHY SUMMATION BUT HOPE IT HELPS SOMEONE

Prayers and Hope for you all....

Love,

 

B strong

 

This too shall pass....

Thank you, I'm new to this hell. I have suicidal thoughts too... Hanging on by a thin thread. Need to hear the success stories.

Sunny,

Like many of us the success stories helped get me through the tough days. Ignore those suicidal thoughts! They are the drugs talking NOT YOU!

I was there myself.  Try and survive one more moment, then one more hour, then day and so on.....you will slowly be able to look back and see the road you have traveled and realize you are stronger than you ever imagined!

 

Praying for your clarity of mind!🙏

 

B strong

 

Thank you. I'm trying my best. I dont know how to survive this. I just don't. I want answers and I guess we don't get them in this. I want to know if I'll ever be myself again and/or how long it will take. I feel weak, scared and alone.

For some reason, even though I read and read the success stories I dont believe II will heal like others have healed.

I feel so needy.

[[B ...]]

Bstrong, hi again. I dont understand what drugs you ct ed in the hospital and when you went back on k after the hospital? Í am asking this for the similarity between you and me. They gave me three drugs and i quit them after 15&20 days and went back one of them(remeron). You may remember me.

 

Thanks to God, i never used a benzo but My worst sx is still anx. and some new movements in my face nerves are saying this ll go on a little. Lookin on your sign, i find some morale. Please lighten me with your history and i become happy gor the things that i live is just a wave.

 

June,

Hope you are doing somewhat better.

Leading up to and in the hospital I was on Mobic, Phenergan, Cipro, Lexapro, Klonopin, Visteril, Valium, Ambien, Benadryl, Nexium, Propranolol, Ativan, Bentyl, Remeron, Lipitor, Losartan, Robaxin, Thorazine....and possibly a few others.

I feel the Lexapro, probably because of the Serotonin element, threw me into the start of my hell. I was taken to the ER with Serotonin syndrome and could have died. I was on the mobic (meloxicam), bentyl, and Phenergan because I had been diagnosed with Mesenteric Paniculitis, a rare gastrointestinal autoimmune disease.

Because of my reaction to the Lexapro I was prescribed Klonopin, I had been on it years earlier and quit with no problems. This time the Klonopin wasn't working the same. The Phenergan which was overprescribed as I later found out, also had a dramatic effect on my mind. It is a drug normally prescribed for nausea in the US, sometimes for anxiety in Europe. The manufacturer recommends never more than 7 days once a day....I was prescribed 2 a day (or more) for 45+ days. Since it has a sedative effect, when I went off it I had rebound insomnia in addition to other sleep problems.

The ativan, Visteril and Thorazine were given to me by the doctors in the psych hospital. The Thorazine was the worst drug, even worse than the benzos. I was given because I had "extreme anxiety", it is a drug that was given in the 60's to "warehouse" schizophrenia. These patients were given Thorazine to essentially give them a "chemical lobotomy" so the staff sat them in a corner to drool. Coming off this gave me terrors that were ungodly. I believe this is where most of my Akathasia came from. The Klonopin that used to calm down and relax me now made the anxiety more extreme. The Ativan that they injected me with would calm me for a couple hours, it was a false calm as the rebound was even worse. I was suicidal but knew that if I told them I would be Baker acted and held in the psychiatric hospital. I walked out of there planning and hoping to die....

I'm not sure which drugs were doing what at the time so I stopped them all. I was living in Hell and really don't know how I'm still here.

I reinstated the Klonopin about 2 months later not knowing at the time what to do. I was agoraphobic and stayed inside for 9 months except for a couple doctor visits. The doctors were zero help to me and didn't understand. I also reinstated the Nexium just for digestive help while withdrawal. As soon as I reinstated the Klonopin I wish I hadn't, but in retrospect maybe it helped me at least tolerate the withdrawal. It took me 11 months to liquid titrate the K and 18 more months before I felt "normal". I went off the Nexium during withdrawal  too.

I was given Remeron mainly for help with sleeping, but I only took a couple and ended up in the ER with a high fever and strong flu-like symptoms. This was prior to admitting into the hospital.

When I came out of the hospital I was bound and determined to find my way off the drugs and at least give my body a chance to recover from all the prescriptions and try to reach homeostasis or die trying. I was tired of taking a drug for this and another for the side effects of the 1st and so on.

I've been done with my K taper for 3 years on February 5th. Have not had any of the aforementioned drugs except for an occasional otc headache drug. I'm doing better than maybe ever in my life....

I may have to take life sustaining drugs in the future, but I would try to never start more than 1 drug at a time so your body knows which drug is doing what. I did all this with NO help from the same doctors that prescribed them, it's very sad that patients are left to fend for themselves. I'm certainly no doctor so don't take this as advice, just my experience.

Prayers for your recovery!🙏

❤

B strong

[[ju...]]

Bstrong, hi again. I dont understand what drugs you ct ed in the hospital and when you went back on k after the hospital? Í am asking this for the similarity between you and me. They gave me three drugs and i quit them after 15&20 days and went back one of them(remeron). You may remember me.

 

Thanks to God, i never used a benzo but My worst sx is still anx. and some new movements in my face nerves are saying this ll go on a little. Lookin on your sign, i find some morale. Please lighten me with your history and i become happy gor the things that i live is just a wave.

 

June,

Hope you are doing somewhat better.

Leading up to and in the hospital I was on Mobic, Phenergan, Cipro, Lexapro, Klonopin, Visteril, Valium, Ambien, Benadryl, Nexium, Propranolol, Ativan, Bentyl, Remeron, Lipitor, Losartan, Robaxin, Thorazine....and possibly a few others.

I feel the Lexapro, probably because of the Serotonin element, threw me into the start of my hell. I was taken to the ER with Serotonin syndrome and could have died. I was on the mobic (meloxicam), bentyl, and Phenergan because I had been diagnosed with Mesenteric Paniculitis, a rare gastrointestinal autoimmune disease.

Because of my reaction to the Lexapro I was prescribed Klonopin, I had been on it years earlier and quit with no problems. This time the Klonopin wasn't working the same. The Phenergan which was overprescribed as I later found out, also had a dramatic effect on my mind. It is a drug normally prescribed for nausea in the US, sometimes for anxiety in Europe. The manufacturer recommends never more than 7 days once a day....I was prescribed 2 a day (or more) for 45+ days. Since it has a sedative effect, when I went off it I had rebound insomnia in addition to other sleep problems.

The ativan, Visteril and Thorazine were given to me by the doctors in the psych hospital. The Thorazine was the worst drug, even worse than the benzos. I was given because I had "extreme anxiety", it is a drug that was given in the 60's to "warehouse" schizophrenia. These patients were given Thorazine to essentially give them a "chemical lobotomy" so the staff sat them in a corner to drool. Coming off this gave me terrors that were ungodly. I believe this is where most of my Akathasia came from. The Klonopin that used to calm down and relax me now made the anxiety more extreme. The Ativan that they injected me with would calm me for a couple hours, it was a false calm as the rebound was even worse. I was suicidal but knew that if I told them I would be Baker acted and held in the psychiatric hospital. I walked out of there planning and hoping to die....

I'm not sure which drugs were doing what at the time so I stopped them all. I was living in Hell and really don't know how I'm still here.

I reinstated the Klonopin about 2 months later not knowing at the time what to do. I was agoraphobic and stayed inside for 9 months except for a couple doctor visits. The doctors were zero help to me and didn't understand. I also reinstated the Nexium just for digestive help while withdrawal. As soon as I reinstated the Klonopin I wish I hadn't, but in retrospect maybe it helped me at least tolerate the withdrawal. It took me 11 months to liquid titrate the K and 18 more months before I felt "normal". I went off the Nexium during withdrawal  too.

I was given Remeron mainly for help with sleeping, but I only took a couple and ended up in the ER with a high fever and strong flu-like symptoms. This was prior to admitting into the hospital.

When I came out of the hospital I was bound and determined to find my way off the drugs and at least give my body a chance to recover from all the prescriptions and try to reach homeostasis or die trying. I was tired of taking a drug for this and another for the side effects of the 1st and so on.

I've been done with my K taper for 3 years on February 5th. Have not had any of the aforementioned drugs except for an occasional otc headache drug. I'm doing better than maybe ever in my life....

I may have to take life sustaining drugs in the future, but I would try to never start more than 1 drug at a time so your body knows which drug is doing what. I did all this with NO help from the same doctors that prescribed them, it's very sad that patients are left to fend for themselves. I'm certainly no doctor so don't take this as advice, just my experience.

Prayers for your recovery!🙏

❤

B strong

 

so you are saying, if i did you can do as many people said. lookin at your story, my cns is also destabilized because of the past drug history, but thanks to God my sxs were limited to dp/dr,head pressure,anxiety.i didn't live sleep,nausea,akathisia etc.my only big sx is still anxiety with face nerve stimulation.it has been always an issue and now it's more disturbing than it ever did.i know this is a wave and this will pass.i have been on remeron for app. 8 months and now i am waiting to push it slowly after this anx. stops a little.thank you again for your kind response.

[[tr...]]

OMG!!!! You're story just answered something for me!!! I'm literally crying. My cortisol is through the roof and its horrible! Like I've been stuck with an epipen (you know for bee allergies) every morning. We discovered this months ago but I've been waiting to get into a endocrinologist for awhile( they're booked solid). Every day is torture. As you know cortisol amps up anxiety and depression too.

I've been in tolerance and WD fro months and did not know it till a little while ago - just did a rapid taper of of ativan (day 10 free God help me). But I was still thinking the cortisol was a separate issue and that I might have Cushings. After your post I'm willing to put money on it that its the damn benzo!!

 

How long before your levels came down? did the dr give you anything for your cortisol? Sadly I know that WD jacks up our adrenaline for awhile...

I'm still going o endocrinologist to rule out things. And if it turns out to be the benzo I'll be able to report that back to the docs who kindly had me on Ativan for the past year!

 

Your story is amazing..I don't know how the hell you survived - that was really bad polydrugging. Thank you bc we need hope who are in this process.

I think I sobbed all morning.

[[B ...]]

OMG!!!! You're story just answered something for me!!! I'm literally crying. My cortisol is through the roof and its horrible! Like I've been stuck with an epipen (you know for bee allergies) every morning. We discovered this months ago but I've been waiting to get into a endocrinologist for awhile( they're booked solid). Every day is torture. As you know cortisol amps up anxiety and depression too.

I've been in tolerance and WD fro months and did not know it till a little while ago - just did a rapid taper of of ativan (day 10 free God help me). But I was still thinking the cortisol was a separate issue and that I might have Cushings. After your post I'm willing to put money on it that its the damn benzo!!

 

How long before your levels came down? did the dr give you anything for your cortisol? Sadly I know that WD jacks up our adrenaline for awhile...

I'm still going o endocrinologist to rule out things. And if it turns out to be the benzo I'll be able to report that back to the docs who kindly had me on Ativan for the past year!

 

Your story is amazing..I don't know how the hell you survived - that was really bad polydrugging. Thank you bc we need hope who are in this process.

I think I sobbed all morning.

 

Trina,

So sorry you are dealing with the cortisol, I definitely understand. I wasn't sleeping at all for a long while, but when I finally got any I was startled out of sleep every morning at 3am, like clockwork. I mean it was like a shot of adrenaline was coursing through my veins. It was very scary for a long period of time, not knowing what was happening. I went through some tests with Neurologists that showed my cortisol was elevated, first slightly then with an Endocrinologist that was 76, he said maybe that was a false positive. He ran another that checked out at 426 on a test where it should have been below 20! He immediately suspected Cushing's disease and wanted to do a test that would have required taking a steroid, which I refused because of reading about how steroids can effect your CNS. He was one of the few doctors I dealt with that actually listened to me. I told him I suspected the drugs were causing the cortisol levels, he didn't agree but agreed that if I was leery of the steroids that he respected that. It was a period of several months before it came down, how many I'm not sure, but certainly longer than I would've liked. He said that at the 426 level he couldn't imagine, because it had to be like being chased by a pack of tigers 24/7.

When it eventually subsided, he said he was glad I had talked him out of the suppression test because there are many false positives and many people have unnecessary surgery based on the test. That's something I would say is don't necessarily take drugs or do surgery during this time of your body being all over the place because of drug consumption.

No he didn't give me anything to lower it, don't know if I would've taken anything at that time because I was determined to get off EVERYTHING!....

I hope this helps a little, I cried many days as you know....alot because of desperation and fear but when I would read a success story that resonated I would cry realizing that just maybe there was hope!

 

Prayers to you my friend!❤

 

B strong

[[tr...]]

Thank you for responding...I don't want to hear that it will take months bc I don't know how I can take anymore...but I understand. In regards to the

dexamethasone suppression test (where they give the cortisol and see how you respond..) I see why you didn't take it. I can't imagine adding any cortisol to my body right now!! I guess I just want o be sure theres no stupid adrenal tumor causing all of this.

Somehow I've been sleeping a bit (4-5 hrs average) so I'm so thankful for that. Ironically my cortisol follows a normal circadian rhythm...its just amped up from early morning till evening. After 7 pm i kinda normal out - a blessing for sure! When I wake, I'm usually feeling the surge and coming out of a bad dream. I'm like is the dream causing anxiety cortisol or visa versa? Who knows!

Crying from desperation and fear - can so relate. Its so hard when you know loved ones don't entirely believe you..especially if theres a psyche history involved. I had so much polydrugging and a few rounds of ect over a 7 month period. I literally have trauma from it. Thanks so much for your story and encouragement:) 

[[ja...]]

Hi B strong. do you remember how long it took you for your morning cortisol surge to subside?

this is my worst symptoms. it makes the anxiety continue throughout the day.

 

[[B ...]]

Jasmine,

Sorry I'm just now responding but I don't look here as much. The cortisol was one of the worse things I dealt with and it went from the start of my symptoms through my taper and close to 18 months after. The 3am adrenaline rushes were extreme every morning and nothing really helped. I was told Cushing's disease at one point by my endocrinologist but I decided not to go through the steroid tests to find out for sure, as they have a high false positive and taking steroids at that time scared me. It ended up being the drugs that caused it all and am glad I didn't add more drugs to mess with my CNS.

I hope you are getting some relief! Let me know if you have more questions...you can dm me if you'd like.

 

B strong

[[B ...]]

Hope you can all have some hope...

Haven't been here in awhile. I have been able to thankfully start living again and rarely come here. I do get some PM's that I try to respond to, but my mind is finally not consumed with the horrors of these drugs. I started an 11 month taper on March 1st of 2016, finishing up on February 5th of 2017. It took me to August of 2018, 18 months to feel somewhat back to normal.

I am living life normally still, still have tinnitus and some migraines...but none of the other Mountain of symptoms that came with the Hell of withdrawal from K. The migraines are probably due to disc problems in my neck. I take nothing but tylenol now when I'm not able to get rid of it otherwise. I was on many drugs needlessly prescribed by doctors, some trying to help, others that frankly didn't care of the consequences.  The tinnitus hasn't left since when I was down to .05mg in my taper. It definitely drove me crazy for many months, but honestly now I don't realize it's there unless I think about it. I guess it may be a change of perspective and maybe with CNC healed otherwise I feel blessed.

I am actually probably at a better place mentally than I've ever been, when you come back from literally Hell, you can deal with things that used to seem insurmountable. I know with everything going on in 2020 it has to be extremely difficult to get through a withdrawal too.

I was at a place where I thought I would never heal, and prayed for God to take me everyday. I had suicidal thoughts and even tried....but thank God I was unsuccessful. I was frustrated that I couldn't even end the suffering, I felt I would live a terrible existence and hoped to die.

Fast forward to today. I'm 63, play golf, coach my grandson's baseball and soccer teams. I take care of my mom who had a massive stroke a year ago and is not doing well, but I couldn't have done this during my withdrawal. My beautiful wife no longer has to watch me cry everyday. I'm thankful I made it. I can sit under a tree outside and just "not think". It is so peaceful to not have my mind racing 24/7, twitching, nervous, anxious, depressed. It seemed like forever when I was in the storm but I hardly think of it anymore. Life is good again, and I believe if you're reading this it will be for you too!❤

I pray you can make it through the pain and rain and feel the sunshine on your face again my buddies. ❤❤❤

 

God bless,

 

B strong

[[Ma...]]

Hope you can all have some hope...

Haven't been here in awhile. I have been able to thankfully start living again and rarely come here. I do get some PM's that I try to respond to, but my mind is finally not consumed with the horrors of these drugs. I started an 11 month taper on March 1st of 2016, finishing up on February 5th of 2017. It took me to August of 2018, 18 months to feel somewhat back to normal.

I am living life normally still, still have tinnitus and some migraines...but none of the other Mountain of symptoms that came with the Hell of withdrawal from K. The migraines are probably due to disc problems in my neck. I take nothing but tylenol now when I'm not able to get rid of it otherwise. I was on many drugs needlessly prescribed by doctors, some trying to help, others that frankly didn't care of the consequences.  The tinnitus hasn't left since when I was down to .05mg in my taper. It definitely drove me crazy for many months, but honestly now I don't realize it's there unless I think about it. I guess it may be a change of perspective and maybe with CNC healed otherwise I feel blessed.

I am actually probably at a better place mentally than I've ever been, when you come back from literally Hell, you can deal with things that used to seem insurmountable. I know with everything going on in 2020 it has to be extremely difficult to get through a withdrawal too.

I was at a place where I thought I would never heal, and prayed for God to take me everyday. I had suicidal thoughts and even tried....but thank God I was unsuccessful. I was frustrated that I couldn't even end the suffering, I felt I would live a terrible existence and hoped to die.

Fast forward to today. I'm 63, play golf, coach my grandson's baseball and soccer teams. I take care of my mom who had a massive stroke a year ago and is not doing well, but I couldn't have done this during my withdrawal. My beautiful wife no longer has to watch me cry everyday. I'm thankful I made it. I can sit under a tree outside and just "not think". It is so peaceful to not have my mind racing 24/7, twitching, nervous, anxious, depressed. It seemed like forever when I was in the storm but I hardly think of it anymore. Life is good again, and I believe if you're reading this it will be for you too!❤

I pray you can make it through the pain and rain and feel the sunshine on your face again my buddies. ❤❤❤

 

God bless,

 

B strong

 

B strong, that was such an incredible post.  We need to hear this so badly.  Sorry about your Mom but are thrilled to read you are living a full life.  Thank you so much for coming back to lift us up.

Lots of love, Mary 🙋🏼🙋🏼😘😘😘😷😘😘

 

[[Sh...]]

B strong Thanku so much x ur words mean more than I can ever say. Thanku x I’m so glad u got ur life back, that was quite a fight x well done

[Guest [...]]

B Strong!!

 

Thank you so much, you have given me the courage to keep moving forward and getting off this poison.

 

I'm not going to let it win!!

 

I'm like you in complete tolerance withdrawal at the same time as trying to get off!!

 

Glad you are enjoying your life!!

 

WinnieDog

[[Sh...]]

Me too Winnie x if B can do it we can too x

[[B ...]]

Thanks Mary, Shayna and Winnie for your kindness.  Blessings to you all!❤

 

B strong

[[le...]]

Hope you can all have some hope...

Haven't been here in awhile. I have been able to thankfully start living again and rarely come here. I do get some PM's that I try to respond to, but my mind is finally not consumed with the horrors of these drugs. I started an 11 month taper on March 1st of 2016, finishing up on February 5th of 2017. It took me to August of 2018, 18 months to feel somewhat back to normal.

I am living life normally still, still have tinnitus and some migraines...but none of the other Mountain of symptoms that came with the Hell of withdrawal from K. The migraines are probably due to disc problems in my neck. I take nothing but tylenol now when I'm not able to get rid of it otherwise. I was on many drugs needlessly prescribed by doctors, some trying to help, others that frankly didn't care of the consequences.  The tinnitus hasn't left since when I was down to .05mg in my taper. It definitely drove me crazy for many months, but honestly now I don't realize it's there unless I think about it. I guess it may be a change of perspective and maybe with CNC healed otherwise I feel blessed.

I am actually probably at a better place mentally than I've ever been, when you come back from literally Hell, you can deal with things that used to seem insurmountable. I know with everything going on in 2020 it has to be extremely difficult to get through a withdrawal too.

I was at a place where I thought I would never heal, and prayed for God to take me everyday. I had suicidal thoughts and even tried....but thank God I was unsuccessful. I was frustrated that I couldn't even end the suffering, I felt I would live a terrible existence and hoped to die.

Fast forward to today. I'm 63, play golf, coach my grandson's baseball and soccer teams. I take care of my mom who had a massive stroke a year ago and is not doing well, but I couldn't have done this during my withdrawal. My beautiful wife no longer has to watch me cry everyday. I'm thankful I made it. I can sit under a tree outside and just "not think". It is so peaceful to not have my mind racing 24/7, twitching, nervous, anxious, depressed. It seemed like forever when I was in the storm but I hardly think of it anymore. Life is good again, and I believe if you're reading this it will be for you too!❤

I pray you can make it through the pain and rain and feel the sunshine on your face again my buddies. ❤❤❤

 

God bless,

 

B strong

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I notice you had bad mental symptoms and anxiety, I have intrusive thoughts think triggered by anxiety. You seem have had really rough time, just wanted reassurance the thoughts will eventually ease up.Had even considered a psychiatric unit but seems it's a bad idea. Was is it a gradual process with you. Distraction difficult at moment as we're constantly in and out of lockdown. Glad you managed to come out the other side.

[[B ...]]

Leann,

So sorry for your struggles. I strongly recommend NOT going into a psych hospital! It was a very bad move for me and I saw it effect many others in a bad way. Their answer to almost anything is "here, try this drug". One psychiatrist in there gave me Thorazine and it was even worse than the benzos. I was admitted with "extreme anxiety", but was given this schizophrenic drug that is used to warehouse patients. It is given the name "chemical lobotomy". It is truly a miracle I got through that experience. I was in 3 different times, and should have NEVER went at all. Try to distract, make it through the the toughest times and take a breath. Then get ready for more. Even when I started to see some hope, after years, not months, it was 1 ok day...3 bad days, 1 ok day, 2 bad days. Time is truly the only healer.

You will make it, just count the small victories as victories and look forward. Keep a diary so you can look back on your progress, however slow is progress. One day you'll look back and see the journey and be amazed!

 

Prayers for you 🙏

 

B strong

[[le...]]

Thank you definitely doesn't sound like a good idea from your experience, thanks for advice, think with mental symptoms you just get desperate to try anything. I coped with lack of sleep for years but this has finished me off whole different ball game. It's the feeling that you have no control over your brain. Good that you eventually recovered after everything they put you through anyway.

[Guest [...]]

B Strong:

 

I've read your story so many times...I'm desperate to get off these drugs, but I'm in so much physical and mental pain, I don't know how to proceed. Every time I try a different form of the drug, I get slammed with serious wd symptoms (mind blowing headaches, chest tightness, all over body twitching, burning tongue, terrible teeth pain, memory and cognition problems).

 

I saw that you had used the milk titration method after watching Crazy Canuk!! As a fellow Canadian (I knew what that name meant - lol) I immediately was intrigued and watched the series on how to do it.

 

I'm considering moving to Clonazepam from Ativan to try and get off, using this milk method. I have access to liquid Clonazepam, but due to allergies, I don't think I could use it, which is also why I couldn't switch to Valium.

 

My question for you when you started did you continue to have these horrible symptoms the entire time as you tapered off?

 

I'm pretty well bedridden or couchbound for most of the day and always in considerable amount of pain!!

I don't have the akathasia like you did, but I do spend a lot of time in my rocking chair going back and forth, and I just realized that this maybe my form of akathasia etc.

 

I'm just at such a standstill and I'm slowing losing any hope of getting better.....a lot of time, I feel that there is hope and that my brain is strong and I will get better. I'm particularly concerned about my job, I have several engineering degrees and help run the engineering department for a large city and need to have my brain in good working order - hard to believe that using these drugs for only a few weeks (now turned into months) has done this much damage!!!

 

I've also come to accept that it may take me a good part of a year getting off this poison, and years after to recover!!!

 

Any experience you have to share would be most welcome, as I don't know how to go on (I've been worse since a colonoscopy where they gave me versed, which I didn't know was a benzo).

 

Thanks,

WinnieDog