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Not 100% yet, but getting close ...


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These are a some general observations I have made along the way to my recovery ...

 

(1) there is no general "fix", no intervention, to recovering from the use of benzos ... if there were we would not be here ... in my calmer moments I can accept some themes about this process that I have learned here and elsewhere ...

 

(2) in the case of benzo use, and some other things we experience as illness, not all but some, my body can heal itself in time ... that general observation is born out over these last forty or fifty years ... the evidence is overwhelming, my body, your body, can heal from the use of this class of drug ... all that is required is to get off the drug, stay off the drug, and my, your, body will do the rest ...

 

(3) healing from benzo use will likely be a full-bodied experience ... body, mind, spirit ... the whole entity that each of us, day to day, experience as our unique selves ... and healing is experienced as an individual event, up close and personal, as they say ...

 

(4) there are many common effects of this healing process, and there are some that will be unique to each of us ... and the patterns of our experience of these effects will also likely be shared in common and sometimes be unique to our personal journey ... in sharing our story of our experiences along the way we give and we receive reassurance that going through this process of healing is possible, safe, and ultimately will be successful for each of us ...

 

(5) working from the observation that - I used the drug, changes happened ... I stopped using the drug, changes happened ... I continue to not use the drug, changes continue to happen - changes in my body that effect many, if not all, aspects of my being ... for me, that about sums up this entire experience ... and ... this observation gives me a place to "work" from ... a place where it is possible for me to accept what is going on, respond as best I can to my healing process, and look after myself and the things in my life that need looking after while I recover ...

 

(6) there are times ... moments, days, weeks, months ... during this process where my experience has been, and still continues to be, although less and less, experienced as overwhelming, chaotic, impossible, whatever adjectives you can supply ... for me, and many others, that is just how it is ... and ... the "storms" always pass, sometimes quickly, sometimes not so quickly ...

 

(7) a benzo free life is possible ... getting there certainly can be an adventure ... along the way we do what we need to do, we respond as best we can to the twists and turns, and we recover ...

 

Hope this helps a bit ...

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I'm happy for you Nova that you're getting close.

Somewhere down the line if you could tell how long its been since the last wave.

Thank you and continued healing.

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Saraa ... last intense wave ... a couple of weeks ago, lasted about four days ... discouraging ... then it released and then back to whatever my so-called baseline is ...

 

The waves now, however intense, however long they last are mostly boring ... rather a nuisance ... have done so many of them, and I know what the outcome always is ... as I said - boring ...

 

The good thing is they don't affect my functionality much anymore ... kind of, okay another wave, what is it I want or need to do today and then carry on ...

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Hi Nova

 

I am so pleased you are getting close to being healed.  It sure has been a long and difficult journey for you.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Hugs

 

Fiona  :smitten:

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It's so good to hear from you, Nova!! I'm glad that you're continuing to improve and know that you will indeed heal fully. I always love your wisdom. It is so needed here!!  :smitten:
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Hi Terry ... I don't get here as often as I used to ... you know, trying to live my life and all that ... gradually over the last few months I have been able to re-connect with things that are special and meaningful to me ... things that got put on the shelf for a very long time ... well, that storage shelf is getting emptier and emptier ...

 

We will all get there, hope you are doing well ...

 

Be Easy ...

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Hi Marj ... we are all doing really hard work ... we can be very proud of what we are accomplishing ...

 

Oftentimes it is so easy to forget how hard this journey can be when we are dealing with the many storms that can come our way ...

 

Be Well ...  :smitten:

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Happy for you Nova! It's been a Long time in the making. I'm right there with you. Feels so close. And the waves, however debilitating, are just a plain annoyance nowadays. Pulling for you  :thumbsup:
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Hi Nova,

 

It's good to hear from you and I'm glad that the light and the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and brighter!

 

pianogirl  :smitten:

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Saraa ... last intense wave ... a couple of weeks ago, lasted about four days ... discouraging ... then it released and then back to whatever my so-called baseline is ...

 

The waves now, however intense, however long they last are mostly boring ... rather a nuisance ... have done so many of them, and I know what the outcome always is ... as I said - boring ...

 

The good thing is they don't affect my functionality much anymore ... kind of, okay another wave, what is it I want or need to do today and then carry on ...

 

That's just great.  Thank you for getting back.  Continued healing Nova :thumbsup:

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Sal ... yep, most of the time it does feel so close ... and then another nibble from the process dragon ... better but not better enough ...

 

Be Well ...

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Nova,

 

Wow, so happy for you! You have shared so much wisdom him with all of us along the way...

I am incredibly grateful for your wise words and friendship during this journey! I was looking back at some of our groups posts from last year at this time.. We have come such along way...

Many blessings to you Dear Nova...

 

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Hi Marj ... we are all doing really hard work ... we can be very proud of what we are accomplishing ...

 

Oftentimes it is so easy to forget how hard this journey can be when we are dealing with the many storms that can come our way ...

 

Be Well ...  :smitten:

 

Yes, you should be incredibly proud of yourself. What you have gone through is a huge accomplishment. I am so happy that you are almost there. :smitten: :smitten:

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Congrats and thanks for sharing. That's incredible that you've recovered reasonably quick considering your dosage and duration on K. Well done.  :thumbsup:
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Sven ... I have to smile at "reasonably quick" ...

 

Indeed it could have been very different ... I will probably never know if the dosage I tapered from or my duration of use made any difference there certainly seems to be no rhyme or reason to this process ...

 

Be Well ...

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pianogirl and benzos-R-cruel ... thanks for all the reassurance and encouragement you have given and continue to give to everyone during this process ....

 

You have my gratitude ...

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Sven ... I have to smile at "reasonably quick" ...

 

Indeed it could have been very different ... I will probably never know if the dosage I tapered from or my duration of use made any difference there certainly seems to be no rhyme or reason to this process ...

 

Be Well ...

 

I hear ya Nova Scotia. 3 years isn't quick, but I was just comparing ur case to mine and wondering why I'm not recovered yet, as I was on a much lower dose of K, for a similar amount of time. Was the taper the difference?  Kindling?  Idk. I was hoping to be where u are now.

 

In any case I'm super glad for you, and your story gives the rest of us hope for a full recovery. It's been a long time since I've been to Nova Scotia, but I hope to get back there again after I recover!

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Sven ... snowing heavy here today ... blowing as well ...

 

There is no way of forecasting how things will go ... too many variables and everyone is unique ...

 

I always figured that if I stood on one foot facing exactly 42 degrees north of east for sixteen minutes and then whistle bird calls for 3 minutes this would all be over faster ... didn't help ...

 

Onward ...

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Sven ... snowing heavy here today ... blowing as well ...

 

There is no way of forecasting how things will go ... too many variables and everyone is unique ...

 

I always figured that if I stood on one foot facing exactly 42 degrees north of east for sixteen minutes and then whistle bird calls for 3 minutes this would all be over faster ... didn't help ...

 

Onward ...

 

LMAO!  I hear ya. If only there was a magic cure. I envy those ppl who suffer minimal or no withdrawal!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Good morning ... 5 AM here ... quite mild out for us ... planning on getting out today ...

 

My wife and I had a long talk on Christmas eve ... started out with her telling me about a mutual friend's middle aged son having difficulties ... likely generated by psychotropic drugs ...

 

After a few twists and turns I mentioned how I could not fathom that no one ever caught on to the fact that it was the drug that was providing the venue for my struggle for years ... that no one ever factored in the drug during consultations and examinations, where the drug was dismissed out of hand ... and when no other physical explanation was found, the "problem" was always foisted back on me ...

 

My wife, who was present for many of these consultations, mentioned that she was afraid to say that she saw "changes" in me that were gradually getting more pronounced and dynamic over the course of the first years on the drug ...

 

In hindsight, she characterized these "changes" as being my floating in and out, or my disappearing and reappearing ... unpredictably ... often like a drowning person trying to constantly save himself ...

 

And for years, this became our new "normal" ... and for her this was often frightening ...

 

And she spoke of her "relief" the day I mentioned that I had come to believe that it was the drug that was the issue, and that I wanted to find a way to come off the drug ... the "relief" appeared because she felt that there was a possibility that the story, my story, our story, could possibly change ...

 

She talked about watching my struggle to put together the research I needed to find my way off the drug safely, and she spoke about her frustration with the many, many folks who refused to help me locally ...

 

And I talked about my utter focus on myself, my not seeing or feeling her confusion and fear ...

 

I mention all this because I think it is helpful for me to recognize that I have come back from a struggle where I was very often ungrounded and completely lost ... and am now quite grounded in the here and now ... still bouncing about a bit some days trying to stay completely grounded, but that is getting less and less ...

 

I believe my wife's image of my surfacing for a while and then disappearing for a while is very helpful ... all through the time of my drug usage this is an accurate description of my struggle ... of becoming lost and gradually finding my way home ...

 

And we talked some about what we "do" with this experience ... what we "do" with this content ... for now that just sits on the table ... we will watch and see how it unfolds in the next while ... clearing the air a bit, recognizing that this experience was traumatic for both of us ... that we both are continuing to heal ...

 

Oops ... long winded again ...

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Beautifully said, as usual, Nova!

 

I do wonder how many people on these drugs, or others, think that's just the way they are, that there's no way out. And doctors contribute to that, of course. These drugs change people's inner lives. It cannot be stressed enough. On Ativan I became a driveling mass of nerves. No doctor ever questioned the Ativan. No doctor, in fact, said anything.

 

I'm so happy to know that you and your wife talk things out, that she's able to tell you how she feels. I can only imagine that the changes in you must have been startling, but that is all behind you now - thank God!

 

I wish complete healing for you in the New Year, Nova!!!  :smitten:

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Terry ... yes, what I call my "normalizing" the use of the drug ... that this is just how I am, how I am going to be ... and the reinforcement of this "normal" by so much that was around me ...

 

Eventually, the voice inside became loud enough ... "this ain't normal" ... then a new journey began ...

 

Be well, my friend ... we are getting there ...

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