brain is spiraling about dreams my soul is sending me

[[Ma...]]

My reactivated soul is sending me dreams lately. Its like something inside me is smelling life and now want to reach for the stars. Thats new. Never had that in my life.

 

Therefore my mind is going crazy.. because there are so many "before I get that dream - I need to make THIS"..

 

 

 

- I need to get better because I have to back to work soon. Don't know how.

 

-I know when I go back to work it will be only half time( due to exhaustemnt). After a while I want to work full-time again, but I will have to search another kind of job - full-time the old one is too bad for me. That will be difficult.

 

-I have to find a new apartment in which I can sleep. No money! But without better sleep --> not able to work.

 

-The time I need to get back into life will make me too old to have kids.

I think I would need 3 years until I have an income that would give me the opportunity to have kids and I need to be stronger physically  and I am really really not a healthy person at all. And my relationship. ugh....love yes but so much is not .. ugh...

 

I am irritated because I feel Panic AND trust.

 

Can I trust the trust I have inside me?

Or is that a fake because I am still living in the bubble and not in the real world?

 

I don't want to say goodbye to these dreams. Its new to have dreams. I never had in my life before :'( I have always felt too bad to dream.

 

End of spiraling. Marigold out. (groan)

 

 

[[Da...]]

I think that having positive dreams is  a sign of positive thinking. My dreams are mostly nightmares like I'm walking down the road with a handful of pills I'm about to take. Yes I really dreamed that recently. That I live in the rats nest mobile home which was the first place I had on my own. You are thinking about positive things and the future. I can not get past what I'm gng to do today. My future feels frightening so I try not to think about it too much. And I feel a lot of times like I live in the past.

 

Hang in there it sounds like you have great events coming. Working part time will help you adjust to being back to work. Just hang in there and take things one day at a time. Things are going to get better for you. I can feel it.

[[do...]]

You need dreams! Enjoy them. You deserve them!

 

I bought a guitar about a year before starting my withdrawal journey. I was just starting to learn when I became bedridden. So, one of my dreams was to beat withdrawal and make music.

 

There's some days I can do this at 14 months! It makes me so content.

 

But, I also understand the bigger dreams and how they never seem like they'll come true - like returning to full-time work in my old career or being in love and getting a house with someone. It helps me not to think too far ahead.

 

Dreams can be bittersweet too. I understand. I guess I'm keeping mine small for now  But if a big dream comes to me at night in bed, I totally revel in it!  Why not? We all deserve to smile during this hell.

[[Ma...]]

..I don't know. Tomorrow I woke up and cried. for 1 hour I think. I don't remember when I did that so intensively. Writing this topic down yesterday set something free, but nothing good. Today I feel totally lost and like I have dreamt too much and nothing will ever come true. Maybe all these dreams about having a better life were just "helpers" to go through wd - but not real..

[Guest [Ka...]]

Hi. I have alot of very real dreams. I like to relish in them and they help me feel good, and stay positive. I like that corny line from the movie "Flashdance"; If you give up your dreams, you die.

I think we all need to hold tight to your dreams, especially after going through the hellish days of withdrawal. Music helps me so much. Let go of the fears becomes an art in this process; keep the dreams. Peace. Karuna

[[er...]]

Hey Marigold,

 

I think this is a real sign of healing happening!  I'm sure it's uncomfortable at first, but gradually (like everything else) this will become a regular, working part of our minds.  I have only felt a few glimpses of dreams / ambition since I've jumped, and it's a curious feeling.  It's like, "what? what was that?  was that ambition?.. oh yeah, I actually do remember what that felt like.." ..and then, typical of the cruel benzo withdrawal, (for me), in minutes it's gone again, and I'm lost in the fog, just trying to keep my feet moving, in this awful, cold mud that marks the passing of time in this horrendous recovery journey.

 

Anyway, I think you'll have these feelings more and more as time goes on, and then you'll remarkably, just be able to do the things you need to do in order to accomplish some of these "dreams!" : )

 

Eric

[[Ma...]]

Thank you for all your posts. Yesterday reality finally has shot me down. Woke up with really bad ideas in my head, which I did not have for months now.

I agree, dreaming shows that something is healing but again. thats good. Not good is that I don't have the power and they probably will stay bittersweet like when people dream about winning in a lottery :'(

[[so...]]

Marigold,

 

My dreams have been very vivid every night, and many times disturbing, throughout this journey.  The first six months off they were horribly bloody violent nightmares.  The next twelve months I was always in withdrawal in my dreams, reaching out for help or just in the state of withdrawal inside my dreams.  The last seven months my dreams have settled down into vivid shit that's just kind of weird.

 

Vivid dreaming in withdrawal is normal.  It is the brain's way of sweeping out hairballs in the subconscious.

 

Sofa

[[Ma...]]

Marigold,

 

My dreams have been very vivid every night, and many times disturbing, throughout this journey.  The first six months off they were horribly bloody violent nightmares.  The next twelve months I was always in withdrawal in my dreams, reaching out for help or just in the state of withdrawal inside my dreams.  The last seven months my dreams have settled down into vivid shit that's just kind of weird.

 

Vivid dreaming in withdrawal is normal.  It is the brain's way of sweeping out hairballs in the subconscious.

 

Sofa

 

Sofa, you misunderstood me,  perhaps due to my bad english.. I was talking about dreams I have about my futures, good dreams, like returning into the job (still have that opportunity) and having a baby soon. Perhaps "dream" is the wrong word? thoughts about my future, good ones.. ahm... perspectives? I dont find a better word for that. Ambitions?

My body has healed a lot, but is not healed enough to have a normal life one day. I know you never know. But I have always had a good feeling for how long I need until I can do special things again. And for some dreams that really go to my heart, like having a child, it seems the time I need to recover will not be enough because I am too old then.

And the other stuff.

I have always known such things. I knew every single time how long it would take to overcome a desease, how long my wd would be (even that I know) and so on. Thats the dilemma. I know it And I have those dreams in my heart...ugh..