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I feel hopeless and I have not started yet


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I have history with benzos.  I've been on them for 13 years.  I have three times to taper and stay off for good.  I did get off of them but when I went to tapper my antipsychotic I developed sever akathesia and emotional pain.  It was pure hell.  10 times worse than any w/d.  I was put back on benzos.  I have a history of depression and I'm sure the benzo contributed to that.  I've been hospitalized over 10 times and had ECT done twice. 


I have not even started my taper but I already feel hopeless.  I just think, "whats the point, even when I'm off benzo's my depression won't lift".  I'm also on other meds.  Like mood stabilizer (lamictal), antidepressant (clomipramine) and antipsychotic (zyprexa).  But everyone here is hell bent on getting off all meds.  But I don't know if that is realistic.  I don't even know if it's realistic for me to come off benzo's completely.  I don't know.


My depression has gotten a little better these past few months.  I'm suicidal anymore, which is a mirical.  I think it's because of the AD change.  But I still feel lathargic, apathetic, and tired.


I need hope.  I need a new outlook.  Please help. 

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I think it's really important to do this very slowly, and to taper only one medication at a time.  Don't overwhelm yourself by thinking too far ahead about all the things you have to do.  Take baby steps.


After I got off xanax, I waited more than a year before I started to taper my a/d, citalopram.  That taper took 18 months.  Personally, I don't think of these drugs as "evil," just as substances that might have serious side effects that I'd rather not subject myself to.  Some meds do help, for instance, I'm on two meds for my hypertension, and though they can have side affects (I haven't really noticed any), I'm likely to stay alive longer if I keep taking them, so I do.  There's no moral judgments involved in this, not for me anyway.  So, if there are drugs you feel you have to take in order to live or function, that's a decision you have a right to make for yourself.  No one here should judge you for that.



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