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10 months off and ...


[Ni...]

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I'm a mess. I stopped in Feb 21 of what will soon be last year and everything seemed to go smooth. My agoraphobia was manageable and over the summer I was never home. I really thought this was all behind me and I started to feel hope. Then my bf dumped me and a few months later I fell in love with my guy friend that I can not be with. So the 2 broken hearts could have put me in a wave. I also have been taking very low doses of Xanax to get to the dentist. Less than 1 mg. A total of 4 visits so far. I have an extreme fear of the dentist and it's the only way I can sit through all the painful treatment. So do you think the small amount every other month or longer set me back in progress? The only thing I can think of is I'm naturally an anxious person. I was outside a few months ago before i started my dentists visits and I had this massive panic attack that caused me to run home. The entire day I had bouts of anxiety even in the comfort of my home. I decided I couldn't let it win and I forced myself to go back out and I had a panic attack almost worse than the original. The day after that I was in anticipation fear and had a third attack. So now I have thrown in the towel and I stay inside. I'm 32. I am depressed and hopeless. Please tell me this is still a wave. That it's not my natural anxiety. I don't want to live like this, this is not living it's existing.
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It's tough to say, I think. Whatever you were (i.e. depressive, anxious, etc.) prior to benzos, you'll likely return to that state, to whatever degree. Although I was prescribed klonopin primarily for sleep issues, I've always suffered from depression. But while on benzos my depression was, oddly enough, pretty much kept at bay. However, about 12 months post-taper, the depression returned. I've been very fortunate, though, to have the support of friends and family during all this, and a good psychologist, who've really helped me on my journey.

 

With that being said, I wouldn't be surprised if, in this case, you're in a wave, although it may be impossible to tell where the wave begins and the natural you ends. I recently moved across the state and started a new job. This transition set off a crazy-long wave, which lasted for about a month. This wave also aggravated my depression. But as I always do, I pushed through it. Although I feel it's important to look ahead and hope for and work towards brighter days, it's also very necessary that we try to stay in the now as much as possible, even during a terrible wave, and stay positive. It's hard as hell to do this, I know. But I think it's helpful to not dwell on what you were or should be, as this can make one feel hopeless and useless, but instead focus on those things about yourself that are great.

 

I do not suffer from agoraphobia, but my brother does. I have seen him many a time suffer from panic attacks, and even vomit behind closed doors, after dealing with throngs of people all day. It is quite terrible. But it is important to not give up. Even if you're only able to walk outside to the mailbox or to the end of the street or to a convenience store and back once a day, this would be an accomplishment for many people during the benzo healing process. Again, I do not know if you're merely in a wave right now or returning to who you were pre-benzos, but there is always hope. ALWAYS. Good luck to you.

 

 

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see it from the opposite side! You have almost achieved to be benzo free for a whole year. There are many of us who can absolutely not imagine how the hell they should ever get there, and you did it! You did it. Thats the fact.

 

I learned that to fight panic is the worst thing to do. Have you ever made peace with it and take the fears with you and just live. Easy spoken, I know but the principle is, that you were able to survive the wd, the worst thing ever. So - it can be assumed that you will manage to survive the next year too, no matter how you feel. Right? And in that case, relax! Focus on everything you can now do, that brings you joy and pleasure and let the panic be what it is, don't care where its coming from, you now how to cope, accept it, like an old dog beside you and live your life.

 

thats what I am doing and although I am freeking out from time to time my life without benzos and other fear-killers is much better than before while taking pills.

 

Hug and hope!

Marigold

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