No escape from Benzos

[[Da...]]

This is a bit of a rant yeah, but it's an expression of the sheer frustration I am feeling right now.

 

From what you can deduce from my other posts (please read them for all the details of my issues with the addiction treatment agency). I am under the addiction treatment agency for an Opiate dependency and I am tested with a 'rapid result' U/A drug test at every appointment with them.

 

I jumped off Diclazepam in September, and have been 100% Benzo free ever since. However, they only allow 28 days to give a clean test after chronic Benzo use. I was using RC Benzo analogues for the best part of four years, at very high doses. There is no possible way to know what was in them, how much was in them or what else they may have contained. At one point I was gulping down about 70 pills a day, the equivalent of 700mg of Diazepam. My usage and dosage was also very chaotic, some days I'd take more, others less. I found stabilizing and tapering really hard and I wasn't given any medical support, even after my Opiate, RC Benzo and Phenibut OD. This resulted in me being blue light ambulance-d to the hospital, completely delirious, apparently I was thrashing around, shouting abuse at the medical staff, other patients and my own family, hallucinating, had no idea what was going on, where I was, what year it was, or even what planet I was on. I have absolutely no recollection of any of this from the time darkness enveloped me and I became unconscious to the time I was sent home. All I remember is getting up off the sofa and then everything went black. Apparently I was in and out of consciousness for hours and gave everyone a terrible scare.

 

I have no idea what they treated me with, but I came out covered in bruises from all the IVs and looked like I'd been tortured.

This was most certainly NOT a suicide attempt. I am lucky to be alive yeah, but it was the result of reckless experimentation.

I do have very liberal views on how drugs should be managed in terms of law, regulation and criminal justice. Boy oh boy do the medics hate my opinions lol. Tough poop because I'm entitled to them and quite willing to defend them if I have to lol.

 

In the hospital they apparently kept asking me what exactly I had taken, but I was way too delirious and out of it to answer so my S/O had to go back home and get a packet of the RC Benzos and the Phenibut tub. They knew what Phenibut was, and the Opiates of course, but were gobsmacked and perplexed by the RC Benzos.

 

I can partially understand the logic in forcing me to collect the Subutex every day because of this, and my continued Benzo use afterwards during my attempts to taper off them. However they have no idea about Benzo WD, the GABA system, or these strange tweaked molecule analogues that either never made it to become medications or are not medications in my country, like Etizolam, a Thienodiazepine, which is a POM in countries like Japan and Italy where it goes by names like Etilaam, Sedekopan and Depas. Diclazepam however is not a medical drug at all. I didn't use Etizolam for long as I was a total mess on it, so I switched to Diclazepam which became the real issue. I was told that if I stopped using them in just 28 days, I would not get any WD sxs!. They were trying to force me into what would have basically been a brutal CT from the equivalent of 700mg of Diazepam!.

 

I am searching and searching for some concrete information on this urine test issue, but all I can find is conflicting opinions from other users. I don't even know which Benzo metabolite their tests detect, knowing this would help somewhat but it's not like I can turn up and ask 'which Benzo metabolite do your tests detect' lol, they probably wouldn't have a clue.

 

I am still testing positive for Benzos and being treated as if I were still using them. I am finding this so difficult. After my last appointment with them in October, I was (and still am) very sick. I came home, after being grilled for about 20 minutes (it felt like an eternity) and crawled into bed with a horrendously high heart rate, shaking, on the verge of throwing up, I was completely dysfunctional for a good few hours as it set off all my physical sxs too. I couldn't move, I felt all my energy draining out of my body, felt freezing cold and couldn't move for a good while. I felt totally destroyed and defeated. They only allow 28 days to give a clean urine drug test for Benzos even after chronic use. This is BS and they know it. No amount of honesty is good enough anymore. 

 

I feel as if I will NEVER be free from Benzos. I have asked for a more accurate test but they refuse, and say I've used up all my chances or something like that. I know full well if my S/O had not come with me last time and categorically stated that no dodgy parcels were arriving anymore and I was no longer constantly high, pretty much incoherent and cognitively dysfunctional, I would have had my Subutex forcibly reduced. They still didn't believe me.

 

I can't seem to find anything concrete about a timeframe for clean U/A after chronic Benzo use. I am not 'large', pretty short so I have to watch my calories, I may have Thyroid issues, I don't know. My endocrine system was shot even before Benzos and Benzo WD so maybe I have some sort of metabolic problem. What other factors could be dragging this out?. My S/Os GP and a pharmacist told us three to four months was reasonable after chronic, high dose, long term Benzo use. Is anyone else experiencing anything like this? I have had enough and am totally dreading my next appointment with them in just over a week's time. I know I will not be able to deal with it this time, I am too sick and drained from WD sxs, sleep deprivation and other health issues.

 

Sorry for whining again but I feel totally defeated right now. I am going through hell and being constantly accused of continuing to do the very thing I know would take it away. I will never touch a Benzo again, but that's beside the point, I am going through this for nothing. I just want to be left alone, I can't move forward if I am constantly being held prisoner in the past.

 

I must be alone with this, I hope I am because I would not wish this situation onto anyone. I don't think I will ever be free from Benzos.  :'(

 

 

 

 

[[me...]]

Hi,

 

Sorry you've been through all this, it sounds very complicated, but there is ONE simple fact I must emphasize.  You're only two months off a very high dosage of benzos, and it sounds like you have issues with other substances/drugs as well. You are VERY early in the process yet. Benzo withdrawal can be a long drawn out process, even long after the drugs are completely gone from your system.  This is because your brain and nervous system need time to repair themselves (please see "what is happening in your brain," link below).  In time, your system will gradually return to normal, and you will heal.  Two months is still within the acute withdrawal phase, and  for many of us this whole process can take a year or more.  This is normal, unfortunately.  Time is the healer in benzo withdrawal, and healing time can't be rushed or controlled.

 

[[Da...]]

Thanks, yeah I am in the process of reading all the info about this. It's all quite new to me and to be frank, utterly terrifying. It's my life's biggest lesson, learned the hard way. I've also started a blog on here so I can record my situation for the benefit of others, and when I finally piece myself back together, I'll have it to look back on and remind myself never, ever to land up back in this hell.

 

[[me...]]

Yes, the important thing is to stay off benzos no matter what.  That's how it was for me, I thought I couldn't function without them, and I had to prove to myself that I could.  I lost my desire for them at about three months off, it just dropped away. 

 

[[Da...]]

Yes, the important thing is to stay off benzos no matter what.  That's how it was for me, I thought I couldn't function without them, and I had to prove to myself that I could.  I lost my desire for them at about three months off, it just dropped away. 

 

 

Yeah that's the most important thing for me too. I am currently having nightmares about finding massive jars of them and eating handfuls on the rare occasions I do sleep. I always feel very frustrated afterwards and annoyed that it was just a messed up 'dream'.

 

I am honestly dreading my next appointment though, I really am quite sure I'll disintegrate if this carries on much longer. I know what's right, and that is I am not using Benzos anymore and never will again. I came away from my last appointment in a terrible state, I really don't know if I can do it all over again. I want to try and close that chapter of my life, and leave Benzos well and truly in the past, but if this stupid urine test issue carries on, and I keep on being beaten down with more threats and unreasonable demands, I'm not sure how I am going to achieve that.

 

They are certainly expecting a 'clean' test next time, and were very angry with me last time, even though I was well and truly in WD at my last appointment, nevermind this one. I'm going to feel awful enough leaving the house in the morning, when I am at my sickest, let alone standing up for myself if this scenario happens again. I cannot find a way to prove I am not using Benzos anymore, and even if I did they would not listen. I feel like I am going through this for nothing. The only thing I can think of is I've destroyed some organ in my body and my metabolism is screwed, that's why I am still testing positive for Benzos. That and I was on stupidly high doses of this crap.

 

[[Da...]]

My last test was only about four weeks after stopping and I have read six weeks in a few of my attempts to research it and a couple of people have told me up to three months, and if four weeks is correct I'm certainly done for. I have the added issue of not really knowing for sure what was in the stuff I was wolfing down. I guess it's a case of hope for the best, expect the worst.

[[Da...]]

The urine test is the one that is least specific of the testing types followed by hair follicle and dna. If I were you I would not stress over it. You stopped taking them it should clear out of your system soon. Probably when you go back it should be clean. They should not have treated you like a criminal and I know that feeling too. Drink plenty of water and make sure you urinate several times before you take the test. The first thing in the morning urine is the dirtiest.

 

I took benzos and opiates for 15 years. At the end I was taking 80-160mg of OxyContin  per day along with tons of Vicodin, or Percocet, Norco what I could get.

 

To me suboxone or subutex is more poison. Just an expensive way to still be addicted. I know people say it helps but I feel like it is a big trap. I went tharough a 5 day rehab where they gave me suboxone and phenobarbital and then released me with a prescription to suboxone. They have me a list of suboxone doctors that would prescribe it to me. It cost a fortune and the prescriptions cost another fortune. I ended up going to another rehab who kept me for 10 days and cold turkeyed me off everything with a fast taper.

 

None of this has been easy and you probably are experiencing the same thing. It has been 1 year for me and it is surely no walk in the park. It has been very hard with a lot of suffering. Some things are getting better only very recently. I still have a ton of symptoms like my brain no longer works, I still have tons of anxiety and other fucked up symptoms.

 

I would wean myself off the suboxone too. I know that is difficult and easier said then done. To me the worst part has been the benzo withdrawal not the opiate withdrawal. I know your question was just about the urine test but at least consider it. You could tell the stuff their inaccurate urine test and stop treating you like a criminal because they have something you want. At some point you are going to have to withdraw from the suboxone as well. Better now than later.

[[Da...]]

The urine test is the one that is least specific of the testing types followed by hair follicle and dna. If I were you I would not stress over it. You stopped taking them it should clear out of your system soon. Probably when you go back it should be clean. They should not have treated you like a criminal and I know that feeling too. Drink plenty of water and make sure you urinate several times before you take the test. The first thing in the morning urine is the dirtiest.

 

I took benzos and opiates for 15 years. At the end I was taking 80-160mg of OxyContin  per day along with tons of Vicodin, or Percocet, Norco what I could get.

 

To me suboxone or subutex is more poison. Just an expensive way to still be addicted. I know people say it helps but I feel like it is a big trap. I went tharough a 5 day rehab where they gave me suboxone and phenobarbital and then released me with a prescription to suboxone. They have me a list of suboxone doctors that would prescribe it to me. It cost a fortune and the prescriptions cost another fortune. I ended up going to another rehab who kept me for 10 days and cold turkeyed me off everything with a fast taper.

 

None of this has been easy and you probably are experiencing the same thing. It has been 1 year for me and it is surely no walk in the park. It has been very hard with a lot of suffering. Some things are getting better only very recently. I still have a ton of symptoms like my brain no longer works, I still have tons of anxiety and other fucked up symptoms.

 

I would wean myself off the suboxone too. I know that is difficult and easier said then done. To me the worst part has been the benzo withdrawal not the opiate withdrawal. I know your question was just about the urine test but at least consider it. You could tell the stuff their inaccurate urine test and stop treating you like a criminal because they have something you want. At some point you are going to have to withdraw from the suboxone as well. Better now than later.

 

Well I'm in the UK so it's not costing me anything. I do need off it yes, as I know it's most probably helping me to stay sick but I can't CT it in my current condition. I wish I had cold turkeyed the Codeine and never got myself into this mess. I am probably going to snap and tell them exactly where to stick it all but I don't want to, I can't. Rock and a hard place again. If they had got their way I'd be WD-ing from psych meds as well as Benzos. I've been told I've got every psych condition under the sun, when in reality I've tanked my GABA system with Benzos and that is going to take time to fix, I am not adding to this by messing about with psych meds too. Specially as I do not need them.

 

I am treated exactly like a criminal, I think even a criminal would get better treatment than this. There seems to be no limits on the crap these places dish out. I know how inaccurate U/A tests are, that's why I keep asking for an alternative but they take these tests as 100% proof.

 

 

[[Da...]]

I have a crapload of sxs too. I am really, really sick. Check out my other posts if you want the gory details. 

[[Da...]]

I trust you I know. It is just a very difficult and what you are going through. Everyone says it is advisable to wean off the benzos and I agree that is true. Now that I am one year out I'm glad I didn't because I would still be taking it today or just off it. I guess I feel like if I did anyone can. In the end my addiction has cost me so much, I lost my business and my GF who I lived with for 12 years. It has definitely been one of the hardest years of my life. I think the loss of my mental capacity has been the hardest thing to accept and live with. I tried to fight it for so long and act like everything is fine. I honestly believed that it was because of taking the drugs and when I quit I would be fine.

 

I'm rambling about all my problems in your post. My first sixty days I could not eat, could not sleep, had vertigo and I was falling down, I was sensitive to light and sound. I had the ringing in my ears. All those symptoms passed even though I still have light sensitivity. There is only one thing to do and that is to stick it out and believe it will get better because it actually does.

 

I was look at Xanax detection times and it appears it can take somewhere from one up to six weeks. I honestly believe you are going to pass the test the next time.

[[Da...]]

I trust you I know. It is just a very difficult and what you are going through. Everyone says it is advisable to wean off the benzos and I agree that is true. Now that I am one year out I'm glad I didn't because I would still be taking it today or just off it. I guess I feel like if I did anyone can. In the end my addiction has cost me so much, I lost my business and my GF who I lived with for 12 years. It has definitely been one of the hardest years of my life. I think the loss of my mental capacity has been the hardest thing to accept and live with. I tried to fight it for so long and act like everything is fine. I honestly believed that it was because of taking the drugs and when I quit I would be fine.

 

I'm rambling about all my problems in your post. My first sixty days I could not eat, could not sleep, had vertigo and I was falling down, I was sensitive to light and sound. I had the ringing in my ears. All those symptoms passed even though I still have light sensitivity. There is only one thing to do and that is to stick it out and believe it will get better because it actually does.

 

I was look at Xanax detection times and it appears it can take somewhere from one up to six weeks. I honestly believe you are going to pass the test the next time.

 

I am telling them to start reducing the Subutex after Christmas. I know it'll cause me a lot of grief on top of Benzo WD, and if I get REALLY sick I worry it may either lead to me being forcibly reinstated on Benzos, or in the hospital being fed psych meds and Benzos, then thrown out to go through this again on my own. It feels like the slightest little change to my body right now will throw me back into chaos. I am hanging by my fingernails as it is right now.

 

I have all those sxs and more. My vision is utterly screwed, sod's law my right eye is the worst because my vision is slightly off in my left eye, always has been. Visual snow is a new one from WD, very annoying, so is 'stuck images' when I change what I am looking at, but I can live with those. The ones I cannot cope with are feeling so unwell, constant buzzing/vibrating, messed up balance, Insomnia, feeling like reheated death in the mornings, I have so many. I must easily have over 30 different sxs, I've lost count. I really do hope I pass the next test, if not I am going to disintegrate. I can't tell them how sick I am because they do not have a clue about Benzos or Benzo WD sxs. I wish I could change the time from the morning, when I am at my absolute sickest, because I need as much strength as I can possibly find in case I have to fight this issue again. I can go to bits as soon as I leave, but somehow I must hold it together in front of them. I look absolutely dreadful, with my staggered balance, gaunt white face and right eye stuck shut, and that's the bits others CAN see. Ugh. 

 

 

[[Ma...]]

Hi DappleApple,

 

Congratulations on being of Benzo's, the longer you stay off them - the easier it gets.

 

I just wanted to let you know about the urine test, I was on not a huge and sporadic dose of Valium since 2013. I've been free of it for about 6 weeks now. I have self tested with a BDZ urine testing kit and would you believe it I'm still positive for benzodiazepine! The metabolites of Valium are fat soluable so can stay in the system for a long time.

 

The problem with these presumptive tests is that they don't show volume. Could you ask them for a more accurate test that could show volume? Because you'll probably continue to test positive on the presumptive test for a while. These people sound quite silly if they didn't know this. Sorry they are putting you through this mate.