SCREAMING from the inside!!!!!!

[[Ta...]]

Hi everyone.

OMG I can't believe how unwell I feel.  I'm just over 7 months out and I've hit a massive wave.  I haven't felt this unwell for a long, long time.  I actually feel like I did when I first started this horrific journey. The past 6 days have been such a struggle.  I'm back to crying my eyes out, hiding, researching, not wanting to live and looking like death warmed up. Thank God I threw all my tablets away.

How can this be happening???  It's just so unfair.

Leading up to the seven months I was kind of holding steady with manageable days and even a couple of better ones.  It was during this time that I approached my school and said I was ready to come back and do some relieving days. (couple of hours a week)  I never told them the real reason for being unwell. 

They're of the understanding that I had a glandular fever/virus infection.

I now have 3 hours booked in for this Tuesday and I'm just praying this lifts by then.  If not I'll have to cancel.

It's just impossible to get back to a normal way of living.

Sorry for sounding so negative but I just feel so sad and unwell.

These dips are just pure hell.

I'm so grateful for this site as it makes me feel so connected to a wonderful group of caring and supportive people.  I don't feel as lonely on this journey when I'm with you guys.

Stay strong everyone as this journey isn't a smooth one.

I hope I see some shining light soon. This can't go on forever!!!!!!!

Tallow

:smitten: :smitten:

 

[[Re...]]

Hi everyone.

OMG I can't believe how unwell I feel.  I'm just over 7 months out and I've hit a massive wave.  I haven't felt this unwell for a long, long time.  I actually feel like I did when I first started this horrific journey. The past 6 days have been such a struggle.  I'm back to crying my eyes out, hiding, researching, not wanting to live and looking like death warmed up. Thank God I threw all my tablets away.

How can this be happening???  It's just so unfair.

Leading up to the seven months I was kind of holding steady with manageable days and even a couple of better ones.  It was during this time that I approached my school and said I was ready to come back and do some relieving days. (couple of hours a week)  I never told them the real reason for being unwell. 

They're of the understanding that I had a glandular fever/virus infection.

I now have 3 hours booked in for this Tuesday and I'm just praying this lifts by then.  If not I'll have to cancel.

It's just impossible to get back to a normal way of living.

Sorry for sounding so negative but I just feel so sad and unwell.

These dips are just pure hell.

I'm so grateful for this site as it makes me feel so connected to a wonderful group of caring and supportive people.  I don't feel as lonely on this journey when I'm with you guys.

Stay strong everyone as this journey isn't a smooth one.

I hope I see some shining light soon. This can't go on forever!!!!!!!

Tallow

:smitten: :smitten:

 

I feel exactly the same way. I think we need to give it at least a year before we actually see some major improvements. Most people on here are all suffering from the severe symptoms of withdrawel. That does make living life seem impossible . It sucks having to sit in a dark room for six months straight, but it's the only way I can stay calm and not lose my shit most the time.

 

The only thing we can do is accept this situation and fully surrender to it. Good days will come eventually even though this feels like forever. It really does feel like a eternity in hell. I think time goes slower when your suffering.

 

Nothing wrong with feeling this way. I think we all feel this way at some point. I know I do often until I accept the situation again and sort myself out. I am always sorting myself out lately. I am like a broken computer that needs constant maintenance . Beep beep beep  I am just Rampling now but I feel you! I know what you are saying! And I understand it .

 

I even had that wanting to die bullshit comeback recently but it's not us it's just our benzo brain giving up. Fuck that benzo brain! Anyways I hope you can sort yourself out soon so you can feel more stable and all that business .

 

[[Ch...]]

You both are suffering as I am....I totally agree about the acceptance....because by now we have done everything humanly possible to hasten our recovery,  now we must let go, support each other, and let time work its way...

It is brutal to make it through each wave, but healing is still taking place.

[[Ta...]]

Thanks Remy and Choco.

Thanks so much for your replies.  Just reading them makes me feel more secure.

It looks like we're in this for the long haul!!  As HARD as it is we'll bloody do it.

Trying to keep myself content with little jobs around the house today and not let that benzo brain side track me. I so want to be here and well for my beautiful husband and family.  I don't venture far on days like this.

You two are amazing and deserve a massive rainbow of health and happiness.

Tallow

:smitten: :smitten:

 

[[Re...]]

Thanks Remy and Choco.

Thanks so much for your replies.  Just reading them makes me feel more secure.

It looks like we're in this for the long haul!!  As HARD as it is we'll bloody do it.

Trying to keep myself content with little jobs around the house today and not let that benzo brain side track me. I so want to be here and well for my beautiful husband and family.   I don't venture far on days like this.

You two are amazing and deserve a massive rainbow of health and happiness.

Tallow

:smitten: :smitten:

 

I hear that tallow! If it wasn't for my wife and daughter, I would have nothing to fight for. We all fall prey to the benzo brain. I did this morning . Was convinced I was terminally ill and all that kind of none sense . It's hard hard hard hard! But we will get there !

 

It is discouraging though . I thought I was gonna be one of the lucky bastards who healed faster . You know the ones you read about on here! Anywho yeah at this rate we are in it for the long haul. You are correct !

 

Thanks for posting this it helps me feel more sane when I read other people are feeling the madness I am enduring as well. Validation ! 

[[on...]]

Tallow- I totally get your feeling of despair- going into a really bad wave can set off those feelings of hopelessness and the thought that you might never get better. I hit a bad wave for about two weeks that I think I am finally  slowly coming out of now. Boy- did I want to throw in the towel...but I have learned  to try to accept the waves for what they are- a temporary setback. ....  although that can be easier said than done when you are in the middle of one. I try to focus on how good the windows feel and I cling to the hope that  the windows will be my future all the time or at least most of the time. Hang in there!

[[Ma...]]

Hey Tallow,

 

as you can read in my latest topic its raining shit on me at the moment, too. From one to the other: Stay brave! You never know when things ease up again. I really wish that there will come a change for all of us here, soon.

Here are some hugs for you!!!

Marigold

[[Ta...]]

I totally agree about holding onto those window feelings OTRM.

Maybe that's where we get our strength from.

  I'm glad you're slowly coming out of your wave and when that window opens I hope you fly!!!

  This is my first big set back since I started this journey and its hit me hard.

First seven days have been hell on earth and now I'm starting to accept it for what it is. ( Accept, float and let it pass)

Bring on more windows I say.  Roll on year of healing.

Yep Raining shit on me to Marigold and I'm trying to stay strong and brave.  We can do this together.  You could say 7 is following 8.  I can't wait until 12 is following 13 to see where we are.

Hugs to you both.

Tallow

:smitten: :smitten:

[[Sh...]]

Hate that you're going through this, but thanks for posting it.  I don't want to be crazy all by myself! 

[[Ch...]]

As hard as this whole thing is..I have chuckled over the snippets of humor peaking through each of these responses!!!!  Hanging on to our sense of humor is paramount!!!

[[Ta...]]

Hi Shakeyjake and Choco.

I agree we have to hang on to our sense of humor.  I'd be lost without it.

This is such a crazy ride so we may as well enjoy the crazy times that are thrown at us.

Can't wait to be well and still have a little bit of CRAZY!!!

keep smiling guys because one day that smile will be for real!!!

Tallow

:smitten: :smitten: