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Desperate, feel I'm dying


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I literally feel like this is killing me. The constant pain in my body feels like my arms are on fire. Last night my heart was pounding and my breath so fast I thought I was going to die. I started to go wake my husband, but then thought dying would be OK. The fear, panic, physical pain are terrible. I can barely walk. My mind is usually a jumble. I've decided to slow my taper to hold three nights per week instead of two (I'm microtapering .025 mg. five days per week; I'm at 3.45 valium). But I don't think that will make much difference. I don't want to hold; this is already going to take too long. I feel desperate. Barely human. What should I do? Help!

 

MirandaJane

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Have you held more than a few days during your microtaper in the past? If so did it help? I was just thinking if you held for 2-3 weeks it might give your body a break and your brain a chance to catch up. Then you could resume your taper at a slower pace. There's no shame in taking a little break to catch up if your symptoms are intolerable. Wish I could help more. Hang in there!
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I held for 3 months at 6mg - I was SO much better - but then my thyroid tanked and knowing I was going to move to a liquid daily taper - I decided to updose to 6.5 and I'm holding here for a good while (until my thyroid is in better shape - or my numbers come up)  that being said - everyone handles things differently - but my 2 cents would be to hold for as long as it takes or updose.........at least that;s what I'm doing -

 

Will it help in the end? who knows...........my taper will probably end up being close to 3 years by the time I'm off this time -

 

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain - we are here for you - and all of your symptoms sound "in the range" of normal -

 

(((hugs)))

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Hope and fight - thank you so much for your responses. Last April I held for 10 days while my husband was out of town and it helped a little. But I don't want to hold and slow down this process any more. I felt like I wasn't making any progress when I held those 10 days, and I want off the benzos. I will hold for about 10 days in December to go to the dentist and doctor, but if I get in the habit of holding, I'll never get to the end. Also, I'm afraid tolerance withdrawal will set in again, which is how I learned I was hooked on this stuff. And I don't have anything to do if I'm temporarily better - no job, no volunteer work, no friends. I want to get this over with, but it's almost INTOLERABLE. I may have to hold, but only if I'm truly desperate. I want to be done with this a year from now.

 

Thanks for your kind words and support.

 

MirandaJane

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Hope and fight - thank you so much for your responses. Last April I held for 10 days while my husband was out of town and it helped a little. But I don't want to hold and slow down this process any more. I felt like I wasn't making any progress when I held those 10 days, and I want off the benzos. I will hold for about 10 days in December to go to the dentist and doctor, but if I get in the habit of holding, I'll never get to the end. Also, I'm afraid tolerance withdrawal will set in again, which is how I learned I was hooked on this stuff. And I don't have anything to do if I'm temporarily better - no job, no volunteer work, no friends. I want to get this over with, but it's almost INTOLERABLE. I may have to hold, but only if I'm truly desperate. I want to be done with this a year from now.

 

Thanks for your kind words and support.

 

MirandaJane

 

I don't microtaper, I do cut and hold so it's different, but holds have been helpful to me in the past. I would seriously consider holding more than 10 days just to see if it helps you. It might put you in a better place to be able to carry on the fight. I wouldn't worry so much about tolerance withdrawal. I think once you are tapering it doesn't matter so much unless you are talking about holding at the same dose for months on end. I've had to hold 2.5 months for a surgery and was able to resume my taper. Now I've just had surgery again 2 days ago so am holding for that. If it weren't for that I'd probably be a little further along. I would say a 4 week hold is about my limit when I'm not having surgery. As soon as I'm up to it, I cut again. But I do my best to keep things tolerable and not suffer.

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Hope - you really have such a great attitude for all you have been through - I find your posts very strong, solid and positive - thank you........
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Hi MJ. I'm really sorry you're hurting but unlike Hope and fight I can't do holds. I wish maybe I could but at the same time I'm sick of all this and simply want things over. But I'm at 9.5...tomorrow after 5 days will go to 9 mg. and so forth. I have the burning extremely badly all over my entire body, mouth, throat everywhere and I swear my bones hurt. I've held for 2 weeks plus but it didn't help in the slightest and a hold any longer would be insufferable. So I keep to my schedule at least for now. Like you except for doctors appointments there's no reason to hold. What's odd though is by maintaining every five days, at least for now the first 3 days are usually the worst then I get a bit of relief on day 4 and a tiny bit more day 5. The odd part is each cut brings a bit more relief it seems on days 4 and 5. I'm almost positive it's the drug itself causing sxs as much as the withdrawal so I'm thinking it's time to bite the bullet and just carry on. My sxs are dreadful after each dose, wane prior to the next dose then flare again. So that's the way it is for me. I've tried to dose fewer times a day but then I'm frantic with interdose sxs. So that failed. Right now I take 2.5, 3, 2.5 the 1.5 near bed. The worst dose is by far the 3 mg. Go figure so even though I drop .5 tomorrow that 3 becomes 2.5 so am actually looking forward to it. Maybe when I get below 5 mg this will change but I really doubt it. But Sunday I'll probably not be walking very well at least in the morning. Anyway, this is how my body reacts. It just doesn't like holds for some reason. I just prolong my sxs. Weird but true. B :smitten:
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Hope - you really have such a great attitude for all you have been through - I find your posts very strong, solid and positive - thank you........

 

Thanks fight. Trust me, I've done my share of kicking and screaming but I guess I've found it doesn't change anything. I still have my moments though lol. So I've chosen to keep a good attitude on the boards and help out where I can since so many others here have helped me. I guess it's the only way to make any sense out of all this suffering is to try to use your experience to help others.

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Hope you are amazing but I feel a good, positive attitude helps not just us but others whenever possible. LOL as I sit here cringing with burning. Nevertheless I can't stop it so I may as well just try and get moving to see if that helps. Last night my grandkids Facetimed me. One turned six yesterday the other almost three. I didn't even feel the burn during that time. So as long as you can move best to do so. Any distraction is helpful for me. I swear I mess my drawers up just to make sure I need to resort them. The closet is more of a challenge but doable when the mood strikes. Last night I was positive I couldn't handle the stairs until the kids appeared. Then without even thinking I was on my way down to put my husband on...much to his chagrin. Anyway, you're always an inspiration. Been through so much but rarely complain! B :smitten:
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Hope you are amazing but I feel a good, positive attitude helps not just us but others whenever possible. LOL as I sit here cringing with burning. Nevertheless I can't stop it so I may as well just try and get moving to see if that helps. Last night my grandkids Facetimed me. One turned six yesterday the other almost three. I didn't even feel the burn during that time. So as long as you can move best to do so. Any distraction is helpful for me. I swear I mess my drawers up just to make sure I need to resort them. The closet is more of a challenge but doable when the mood strikes. Last night I was positive I couldn't handle the stairs until the kids appeared. Then without even thinking I was on my way down to put my husband on...much to his chagrin. Anyway, you're always an inspiration. Been through so much but rarely complain! B :smitten:

 

Aww thanks Barb.  :smitten: I agree distraction is so key.  My little daughter is almost 6.  She is both a distraction and a source of stress lol.  But I love her to death.  I really feel for you with the burning. I've got bad back spasms and occasional tingling in my hands and feet (and a bunch of other stuff too), but haven't had the burning yet.  It sounds scary, but I guess it's just like the other benzo symptoms, it will get better in time.  This too shall pass.  I'm on pain pills after my surgery so I get a little reprieve here from pain I guess but I'll be ditching those soon enough. 

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Ya the burning is unreal but I can't say it's scary. Painful for sure but why fear pain unless you don't know the cause? Yes kids are great but lol when my grandkids do actually come over unlike you we get to send them home. Now there's a reprieve. I'd never wish time away but right now easier for us just to be grandparents but then again we did seem to get older and older. So growing old has some good points at times. Notice I didn't yet say grown up. We're saving that for much later. B  :D
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All i can offer is to say that the OP describes how I feel right now. I am having a desperate day and evening after a desperate week. Let's hold on together.
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Thanks everybody for your support. I try to keep a positive attitude, because I learned that fighting the sx gets me nowhere. But I had an overwhelming meltdown today when the burning, panic and sorrow got to me. I will hold if I get desperate (which I am, come to think of it) but when I think of adding more time to this torture, I just can't do it. It helps so much to know you are with me, though I wish you weren't suffering too.

 

MirandaJane

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Hope - you really have such a great attitude for all you have been through - I find your posts very strong, solid and positive - thank you........

 

Thanks fight. Trust me, I've done my share of kicking and screaming but I guess I've found it doesn't change anything. I still have my moments though lol. So I've chosen to keep a good attitude on the boards and help out where I can since so many others here have helped me. I guess it's the only way to make any sense out of all this suffering is to try to use your experience to help others.

 

Agreed....... :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

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Thanks everybody for your support. I try to keep a positive attitude, because I learned that fighting the sx gets me nowhere. But I had an overwhelming meltdown today when the burning, panic and sorrow got to me. I will hold if I get desperate (which I am, come to think of it) but when I think of adding more time to this torture, I just can't do it. It helps so much to know you are with me, though I wish you weren't suffering too.

P

MirandaJane

 

MJ,

 

I say do what you need to do to stay sane. If holding helps then do it. Try not to think of it as losing time but giving your brain a chance to keep healing. If you just keep plowing through until you are off, you will still have some healing to do at the end so I don't think a hold loses you time in the healing process. But we are all different (like holds don't work for barb as she stated above), so I hope you figure out what's best for you! Hang in there. We are with you  :smitten:

 

Hope

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Benzo barb, when you refer to burning, where is you burning? I'm down to 3 mg of Valium and have chest, throat and stomach burning. Also the muscles in my arms hurt so bad, and the fatigue is awful. Is this withdrawal? I have been holding on 3mg for 4 weeks waiting for the symptoms to ease up. I too feel like I'm dying! My thoughts and prayers go out to all who are trying to be benzo free.
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sjs - the burning for me is mostly in my arms, along with arm pain deep into muscles. Horrible as it is, I think the depression and exhaustion are worse. It's hard to say which part of this torment is worst. Your sx are definitely withdrawal; I hope they let up soon.

 

As far as holding, I'm not sure the CNS is "catching up" or healing while you hold. I think the body is simply getting what it wants: a steady dose of benzos. When we start to cut again, the sx return. So I think we are just delaying the inevitable when we hold, though I'm sure it's nice to have a break. As for extended postwithdrawal sx after a fast withdrawal, I'm not sure. Reports on this, both on this site and Ashton's work, are mixed. But then, we are all different.

 

Thanks everybody for your support.

MirandaJane

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