Vindication

[[Ca...]]

I don't even know if I'm posting correctly, I can't navigate around, can't retrieve any responses if any, I click on my messages but the new icon doesn't load anything. Today is 30 days off Vali X 2 daily X 4 or so years.  Last week was one of the most her horrible doctors appointments I ever had, where I was ripped apart for testing positive for three different benzos, which I never had.  It came with all the warnings of your gonna die, that I'm not gonna see you to your death, but I insisted on a new urine test. So I go in today and I'm rapid tested and it comes back negative. The irony is if I was loaded up on benzo's one week ago I sure as heck would not be clean today, but the doctor insists no mistakes, urine test are 100% and everybody's a liar. If anything would you have led me to use again it would  have been my doctor.  I stuck to my guns, and have dealt with the anxiety, the fogginess, and if no one else's is,  I'm very proud of where I am today.  One of the hardest things I've dealt with is like most people, hearing that it gets better over time just doesn't compute. And I surely know that some people, many people, have taken much more or for much longer time.  Certainly I am not out of the woods by any means, but often I feel much better. Sleep is still an issue, but when I do sleep I sleep for many hours and I feel good sleeping. I don't wake up with anxiety from that sleep, so maybe it's restored, I don't now.  Of course I am always waiting for the next shoe to drop, and then I often regret saying anything.  Certainly I can't dismiss those who state that it does get better, and I would cautiously tell those people that it's true and those either starting or into this with drawl, to keep it up.  Since I can't see replies to anything I post, I can only hope that somebody reads this and gets a little bit of faith out of it. I've never thought I would ever have to worry about a physician leading me astray, but when suddenly things are right, the arrogance and cockiness prevents them from saying otherwise. Regardless I left there and I knew 100% even last week that something was very wrong.  Again though, who can argue with a rapid urine test.  My respect goes out to all of you and again while I wait for the shoe to drop and feel horrible, there is that very small light appearing at the end of this, can only hope it gets better from this point on.  Peace to all and happy holidays

[[be...]]

Congrats on the 30 days. It sounds like you are well on your way with the healing process. :smitten:

[[ol...]]

That's good you are sticking  to it.  Congratulations!     

[[Ca...]]

Since I still cannot navigate around benzo buddies, I know this will fall on the wrong thread but I type anyway. So today is 47 days Valium free. (Vali 10mg X 4-5 years). Being its 47, the very day I picked to re-eval how I feel, as if no better I was ready to run to a psychiatrist and would be in their hands. I can now say, finally, yes it does get better. The rampant anxiety has quelled tremendously, sleep has returned, can even fall asleep without any of the psychological meds the dr wrote me(Remeron was the worse for me). I sleep more soundly, am awaken easier yet cam fall back to sleep. Advice: I just don't have any. Why- because I know how horrid it is to just "put up" with the w/d, it seems so never ending. I do believe that the only way the brain heals is with time. I am grateful that I didn't cave since I was a cold turkey w/d, I just kept telling myself what if, what if life changes and we can't get these medication. What if there is a shortage, etc etc. I missed so much work this last 47 days, spent nearly all my time in bed, hating life. But I hated having ever taken benzos to begin with, so blame laid on me. I was a poly drug w/d, pain meds too with Suboxone as a maintenance med. I did relent on pain meds, with a pain dr and only after an odd comment by my addiction specialist led me to believe it wasn't as bad as I thought. Her comment was "I don't think the pain meds were as much of an addiction as it was Tolerence". Yea, no crap. So I've started a low dose oxycodone prn, with my prescribing physician right on top of it- if I did have any advice it would be to be very careful with poly drug withdrawal. The pain meds returned last week, so haven't been on long; between the spine and fibromyalgia, it's just been a quality of life thing. I can say this, if given the choice I'd happily w/f pain meds over benzos anyday. I'm not dispensing any advice here, I think we all know what meds are hurting ourselves and we all need that motivation and help to kick them. No one believe me when I say that pain meds do just that, they quell the brains interpretation thus they make the pain timetable even if it's a fake feeling. Quality of life, I'm back to 9/10 things I now do that I wasn't motivated before. Things like: eating out with friends, cooking, cleaning, showering 2x daily lol, going to work, enjoying days off. Never thought I'd see that contentment again, and of course am waiting for a strong PAW to kick in and I'll be back to hating life. I hope not.

 

Anyway peace to all of you. Of what your going thru is going to give you back even 10% of your life, do it. Quality is very important, and with no excuses I can say it's much better. Took a lot less time than many speak of, longer than some lucky people go thru, so I individual base, thus so hard to ever say what the real time line is. I'm told the amount of benzos used v. time used plays a big role. And I'm grateful I didn't convince my dr to increase my dosage or add other benzos to it(once wanted I ask for Xanax on top of the Vali, glad I didn't). The only think I can agree with is that it just takes time and it does get better. No idea if my brain is truly making GABA, I would hope so. Here to GABA! Peace to all of you. One day I'll figure out how to get to the right threads and I'll post more. Happy holidays all.

C

[[er...]]

Hey great job!!!

 

Congratulations, and I really hope that "the other shoe never drops!" : )

 

Let's tell lots of people to NEVER ever do a benzo, no matter what the f..K happens!

 

Eric