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I messed up :( total despair and about to lose it all


[bi...]

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I could not take the insomnia any longer from the withdrawal. 3 weeks ago I cheated and had one milligram of Klonopin so I could get some sleep after 6 days of no sleep. The week after I screwed up again due to no not sleeping. I ended up taking one milligram one night and a half a milligram the next night. I took 60 days off from work to get through this withdrawal and I screwed it up. Been into two mental health facilities over the past 60 days to try to get over the depression from the withdrawal and it is only gotten worse. My most recent failure was last night where I have an additional milligram to fall asleep. I'm not sure how to get through this without sleep as the insomnia makes the depression worse. I have come to terms that I am going to lose my job over the next several weeks. My wife and daughter and I will most likely have to move in with her parents. I feel like I have lost my dignity and my identity. I have never lost a job in my life and this pill has taken my soul from me and I have lost everything because of it. I am not sure how I can fight this battle any longer. The depression is relentless and the insomnia makes it all worse. I feel like I am losing my mind and I have no hope. If anyone could offer any guidance to someone who feels like they are complete lost soul I would appreciate it. I've cried every day the past few months. Thank you.I am apparently too weak to fight this demon. The toll this has taken on my family is unsurmountable.
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It doesn't take much to become dependent. If you have outside stressors, like supporting a family (which is an Enormous stressor) then might I suggest a micro taper? It's just a suggestion. I went through it all man,  I've been here for YEARS and the ones who cold turkey are the ones who hit a wall and end up losing the most.

 

Do you have a psych doc? I would talk with them about where your at, and how your suffering from a cold turkey.

 

IMO, it might be in your best interest to stabilize on a small dose, manage your priorities, regain control of your life THEN begin a very slow liquid titration.

 

 

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I can relate to exactly what you are saying. I don't have a wife and children but I had to shutdown my business because of this and I have go on for 11 months and I still feel like crap. The thing is you have a family and that is the reason to live. We all have intrusive thoughts of bad things that are going to happen to us in the future. You still have your job so relate to them you are ill (you don't have to tell the why) and you need to take more time off.

 

You have to take care of yourself and of your family. So you have taken some doses it is not the end of the world. You cannot change what has happened. Don't beat urself up over it. Move on and do the best you can, that is all anybody can ask of you. Take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon. It sounds to my like you still have acute symptoms and that phase lasted 60 days for me.

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Oh Billy,

I am so very sorry.  Please hang on.  It will... It will get better.  The past is gone.  All you can do is deal with right now so take a lot of SLOW deep breaths.  In through the nose out through the mouth.  Since you are dealing with insomnia you might want to visit that group as well for suggestions so as to not keep going back on which may be causing kindling.  Do not panic about that (easier said than done) or beat yourself up.  I know the sheer terror from insomnia and all the pain it causes.  It is like walking carrying a baby and you are on a rug and it gets pulled out from under you.  You are trying save the baby and yourself.  I can share somethings that have worked for me... they may or may not help.  The first is acceptance which I did not do for a long time but struggled and was very afraid of even trying to sleep.  I eat a lot of banans - at least one before going to bed.  It is simple.... may help may not.  I take a very small dose of magnesium glycinate not citrate so as to not upset digestive track.  100 mg in am and another 100 at night.. may help may not.  There are no sure answers.  I really feel like time is the answer.. not comforting because you don't know how long.  maybe days.. maybe weeks.... I was told by my present pdoc after firing 3 others I would sleep when tired enough.. i asked even if benzo brain and she said yes.  I will try to share more if you want

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Simple things ... KISS.. Keep It Simple Stupid (me not you-)

 

Try to elminate all caffeine, sugar as much as possible,

I eat a lot of turkey

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Dont beat yourself up. Insomnia is the devil and almost impossilbe to tolerate.

Read MTfans posts. She is inspirational.

You are very early on in your WD so insomnia is at its worse. Keep off all drugs and soon you will be seeing some improvement.

You are not a failure and you will rise again.

Be strong.

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OK, you only took 1mg last night and then 3 weeks ago, correct?  imo, you have c/t so you need to stop using starting and stopping.  It is not helping you.  Your poor brain has to heal and it WILL.  It is harder to do a c/t but it is what it is.  I have done it unknowingly.  YOU WILL GET BETTER... YOU WILL SLEEP... YOUR DEPRESSION SHOULD GET BETTER, but it is sorta like cutting your hand.... if you keep picking at it, will it heal if you keep messing with it?
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Oh, by the way, just reread your post.  YOU are in no way weak.  YOU are very strong for what you are going through.  KEEP FIGHTING the best you can.  Have you looked at diet to see if there is anything you can eat or not eat to help with sleep?
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I would wait to see how bad my symptoms were before I started taking it daily again. What you took were low amounts and one dose and I'm not sure if everyone gets kindling or restarts due to taking one dose. Try to stick with not taking and test the waters anyway. I know all about the depression, the despair, everything is the same for me. I'm hoping you feel better soon.
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Hi, Sorry you are suffering  :'(  I am  33 days with no benzos today and I am having the same problems as you: Insomnia and really bad depression. I finally broke down and saw a pdoc this week because I could not take it anymore and I did not feel safe.  I was super hesitant to go but he was great. I have had terrible reactions to SSRI's. I was not sure what he was going to say.  Well, I started low dose wellbutrin 75mg and it is already helping with my depression and best of all no side effects for me. And because the wellbutrin helped my mood, I was able to be active today and tonight I am actually tired enough to sleep. Also in the last 30 days I took a rescue dose of Ativan in the ER and another evening I took a .5mg xanax after 3 days of insomnia.  Both times I was in a really bad place and the rescue doses where the right thing to do.  And it did not set me back at all. 

 

  Lastly looking at your signature did you tapper of 2.5mg of Klonopin  in one month "September 2016 2.5mg klonopin per day (.5 am, .5 mid day, .5 dinner, 1.0 bed)"  This is crazy fast !!!  I started at 1.5mg of K and tapper over 7 months.  I did the diazepam crossover and I agree with you diazepam did increase my depression but I did it anyway because I tried 4 times to tapper directly from Klonopin and I could not.  I encourage you to find a good PDoc and let them help minimize your suffering.  And  do what is best for you and your family and what keeps you safe.  take care

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I'm so sorry for the things you are feeling. I know exactly how rough it can be. I am 32 and I have a 13 year old son who has always lived with me. After being on xanax for 3 years and constantly using it as a means to deal with levels of stress, I became very depressed and started to feel numb inside. Now that my son is older he notices a lot more. When I went into a detox facility a few weeks ago my mother was going to keep him until I got home but after I was gone he said that he wanted to with his father so I could get myself together and learn how to be happy again. I really feel overwhelmed with the idea that I allowed this drug to cost me everything. But at the end of the day, I had no idea how long this withdrawal process would take and my son shouldn't have to see me this way. I still have a problem leaving the house and I am terrified to drive. I'm more depressed than ever and I know right now he has more stability than I am capable together. While I was in detox the psychiatrist told me that the way these drugs are designed it is nearly impossible not to become addicted them to them. Remembering that helps me get through the tough times. I'm sure most of us didn't seek a means of getting high when we started taking benzos. We were just seeking relief from our doctors. None of us were out buying drugs from dealers, we took a prescription from our doctor to a pharmacist. It was all legal and nothing felt wrong about it. It truly could happen to anyone. I made a huge mess before I went into detox and I don't even have the means to start cleaning it up but I am happy to be on the other side of the dependacy. It will get better in time. I know there isn't much comfort in that when you are going through this long withdrawal and it seems that no one can understand that but it has to get better. If you are working with a doctor during your withdrawal process tell them about the things you are experiencing and think about any options they may give you. I am currently taking Remron at night. It helps balance out the depression so that I don't cry all the time like I did at first and it helps me stay asleep at night. I never wanted to be on an antidepressant, another reason I chose to go the benzo route but right now I feel I need to be on something. I hope you feel better soon and begin to find some comfort.
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I did CT off of 2.5 mg Klonopin. I think that is why I am going nuts. I do not feel safe

 

Contact your prescribing doctor and tell them what is going on and that you would like to reinstate and do a slow controlled tapper.    I am assuming your doctor knows you quit ??    There is a safer more tolerable way to do this, so that it does Not ruin your life.    I understand the desire to be free but slow and steady is the only way to do this.  I had 4 failed tappers before this last one, so even if you reinstate this time there is nothing to stop you from completing a successful tapper in the future.  please take care of yourself.

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