Am I alone with this? Broken heart

[[Ni...]]

I jumped from .25 in late Feb, so it's been 8 months? The jump off wasn't too bad and I was able to go out and do things I normally wouldn't have during intense withdrawal. Fast forward to the past few months and I'm a mess. Is this me, I'm naturally an anxious person with phobias that trigger anxiety attacks? Is this still my brain settling? I really want to believe that this is NOT me. If it is then living like this is not living at all.

I'm not able to even think about starting a job, or creating friendships or meeting a new bf. Just the thought terrifies me and makes me want to take something to go back to feeling numb. I'm not craving it but I'm not used to living an adult life without it. At 16 I was put on psychotropic meds and that all was a hell I would much prefer to never go back to again. So I'm scared and it's making me so depressed. On top of that I'm just so tired of my life as it is. I'm stuck here and nothing is changing. I live at home in a tiny NYC house with my sisters and parents. The city itself drives me insane. I have no escape, nothing to move forward with. All day long I sit around with my mom who is depressed herself. She keeps telling me to see a therapist. I don't want to see one because I've been seeing therapists since I was 10 and none of them helped me. I know what would help me but it's not going to happen and dragging out all my demons while in an emotional state right now while having them tell me how to breath, journal or do yoga while drinking tea makes me want to go into a rage. I've seen about 8 different therapists.

In July my ex of 2 years (about 3) decided to dump me in a really cruel way. I was only there for him and was loyal and his best friend. The love was gone because he had his own pill issues that put a damper on being intimate. But I came back from a really nice vacation and was looking forward to moving out and starting over with him and he looks me in the eyes and says "I only see you as a friend, I'm not attracted to you". Although I'm a good looking woman, my self esteem is low because of my health issues. So he could have said anything but he had to be nasty and ruin my worth. He walked out and seems happier like I never existed. I know he had and has his issues but having a fat, balding man who suffers impotence issues tell me I wasn't good looking hurt me. After my break up I withdrew from life and was dealing with a flare up of my ulcerative colitis. During that time I started talking to a friend of mine from years back. We are both science nerds who met through a club for saltwater aquariums. We both had broken hearts and he wasn't happy with his life. So after a few weeks we fell for each other. I'm 32 and never in my life have I fallen so hard for anyone before. He made all my ex's look like jokes and he made me feel like there are better guys out there. We spoke every day and he did such sweet stuff for me. Honestly I did love him as insane as people think I am. It's not a rebound love .. it just happened when I wasn't looking and it swept me away. I never felt like this about anyone or anything. He is perfect. Anyway... because of his religion (he is not happy with) we can't be together or else he will be shunned by family and friends. At first I thought I stood a chance and that he was miserable and would run, but now we are friends and we both know it's not going to change.

Since all this my anxiety came back 110%. I'm not sleeping good, I lost 17 pounds, I've had horrible anxiety attacks that made me run home. I dropped my friends, my hobbies, my bedroom is a mess, I can't stop thinking about this guy. But I'm not living anymore. Everyday is the same .. I feel dead inside. I just want a normal life but I'm starting to think I'm just forever broken with this anxiety.

So my question to everyone. Do you think this is post acute withdrawal? A wave? A terrible heartache? Will it get better? Will I function the way I wish I could? I thought the chemical withdrawal during the taper was bad. I feel like someone died now mixed into this depression and anxiety. Do hearts break that bad?

I'm tired of being alone 😔

[[Ma...]]

Ugh- first: 

 

I read in your signature that you have been on pills from the year 16 til 32.

I think what you were feeling with that last guy was a REAL FEELING WITHOUT ANY DRUG.

Of course it is bigger than everything before!

And of course your nervous system and all the emotions are "fresh", like a baby, and tend to switch easily into fear and panic, and heartbreaking feelings.

In your signature you wrote that you are now - the first time in your life - finding out who you are, what you like and so on.

Others learn to cope with feelings, and discover themselves as teenagers, you are doing it now, so it must feel like in puberty somehow.

 

You know you are pretty, thats good. You know you can make a withdrawal after years of addiction. Thats great.

A fat guy with sexual problems left you, that hurts but its is good for you, - but hey!! you are young and your body needs to be touched the way you love it !!- that will be so great for you, feeling a good sexual touch without drugs in your body!!!.

The other guy loves you, but cannot touch you or be in a relationship with you. I would not be a friend of him, I would not want a person in my life, which I cannot get.

 

Its like you tested out, what you need. Real love and real sexuality. You deserve it. And you will definitly get it.

Go for it, and grab it! I am sure you will get out of the sadness and pain and after that! it will be great.

 

.. in the meantime I would make new experiences with myself in any matter I need Its YOUR heart, your body and the world is full of people, chin up girl! 

 

Marigold

[[Da...]]

I know I responded to your previous post abt this. I broke up with my GF about 60 days into WD because she was totally unsupportive of me after I got out of rehab. We lived together for 12 years. One big problem was the fact I did not want to have sex with her, and 10 months out now I still don't. She is an attractive woman too. Now she wants to get back together but no way. After 10 months I have not had sex with anyone, but I still don't want to have sex with her.

 

I think what happened with your BF has nothing to do with physical attraction, I believe it has a lot more to do with DR/DP. I knew I did not know myself and I had lost connections to other ppl before I knew the name of it. The problem is there is nothing a person can do to bring it back. It is just gone and if it will come back on its own or not I have no idea. I cannot diagnose him with that but it sounds like the same thing I went through.

 

 

[[Ma...]]

I know I responded to your previous post abt this. I broke up with my GF about 60 days into WD because she was totally unsupportive of me after I got out of rehab. We lived together for 12 years. One big problem was the fact I did not want to have sex with her, and 10 months out now I still don't. She is an attractive woman too. Now she wants to get back together but no way. After 10 months I have not had sex with anyone, but I still don't want to have sex with her.

 

I think what happened with your BF has nothing to do with physical attraction, I believe it has a lot more to do with DR/DP. I knew I did not know myself and I had lost connections to other ppl before I knew the name of it. The problem is there is nothing a person can do to bring it back. It is just gone and if it will come back on its own or not I have no idea. I cannot diagnose him with that but it sounds like the same thing I went through.

 

... but I think couples can stay together even for years without sex. Were you unable to give any tenderness? I think even then it can be possible to make some arrangements, you know..