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Where are my 1 year friends?


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I quit benzos September last year cold turkey. Had been taking both valium and Xanax for around 7 years. From July to September last year I was having interdose withdrawal, though had not idea what was causing my crazy symptoms at the time. fastforward 2 months later and I stopped taking all my bnezos, just decided all these synthetic pills are not helping. My interdose withdrawal symptoms were extreme fatigue, racing heart episodes and intense anxiety. My first week off I became very ill and went to the urgent case and they said I must have a bug. Then soon after I was sitting at work, didn't feel like a human, resting heart rate was high, blood pressure soring, felt like I was dying. Looked online, realized I was in benzo withdrawal hell and walked into my P=doc office and demanded to be seen, I was losing grip on reality and my sanity. I told him at that point I quit benzo 2 weeks ago, and he just looked at me. Said well that's not good, you should really taper. I refused to get back on them so then began my journey that brings me today.

 

I went through acute from jump to about month 3. Then from month 3-9 I felt like I was healing more each month, went back to work, started leaving the house again. Heart racing episodes and adrenaline rushes went away. Then around month 9 I have a life change that brought on some great stress. Before I knew it it was feeling like acute all over again. All I want to be is at home though have to work. Afraid to go out with anyone outside of my inner circle. Making small talk is hard, I feel out of it. I am having near daily heart racing episodes, left shoulder pain, left rib pain and muscle twitching all over. Some nights I sleep and others the insomnia is back with force.

 

The worst part is I constantly feel as if I am dying. I think having that long of window and thinking I was near healed and then being tossed back into it has taken a toll on my mind. I worry all day about when my next heart racing episode will happen, where will I be, will people notice, etc. It is a vicious cycle and I try so hard to not think like this. I feel as if I will never heal, though reading success story after success story I know that I will heal. Time being the only cure just makes it that much more miserable.

 

Anyone around 10 months - 14 month, what are you experiencing? What are your windows like? What are your waves like? What symptoms are you still struggling with? Just want to hear from others what their life is like at this point in recovery? Does anyone know about what month healing happens for most of us? What usually happens right before being healed? I am stuck in a now 3 month wave and just looking for hope. Thank you in advance for all that reply.  :)

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Hi blue,

 

I am at 18 months  since my c/t.  At 10 to 14 months I was still having waves that lasted several days  to a week.  I had anxiety, insomnia, left side chest and  rib pain, worried more about everything, flips or butterflies in stomach sensations.  A good friend from here would keep reminding "Up to two years Meggie"  and I am finding she is right.  At 18 months I still have sleep issues and the other above symptoms only occasionally.  It will get better.  Unfortunately is a slow process.  Hang in there, you have come a long way!

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Almost 13 months here.  I had 10 days of 6-7 hours sleep each night.  It was such a relief and was also my longest window to date.  I started my period yesterday and I slept really crappy.  Full bladder every 2 hours with choppy sleep and lots of jolts.  It would be nice if my waves only come around my period now.  I could deal with that until full healing takes place.  Very scared that I might get a lot worse again.  Just 2 days ago, I spent a few hours at tjmax and filled up a cart with new clothes- something I have not done for myself in 18 months.  It's such a good feeling to want to take care of myself again- and to actually want to wear something other than yoga pants and tshirts!  I have not touched my hair (other than a homemade haircut) for 21 months.  That will be the next thing I do!  Not feeling well enough for that yet... Especially today. 

 

Btw,  I almost always feel like I'm dying too.  We are pumped with such toxic energy and it makes us feel less than human- like very scared, caged animals.  I hate it so much and cannot wait until I can feel like I have a good chance of living a long life again. 

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Thank you for your replies Meggie and Sleepless. Knowing that others have gone through this or are currently going through this helps me to feel not so crazy! I swear in these waves sometimes I will spend all day convincing myself not to drive to the hospital and waste money. I can go from feeling like absolute crud one minute thinking I am about to drop dead to feeling like myself again and then moments later back to a symptom shining through. Does anyone else experiences symptoms like that? For example. For the past 3 days I have felt very bad, thought my symptoms were some horrible disease, looking up brain tumor symptoms online and thinking I should go to the hospital to have a million scans all over my body. Then last night I am watching TV after a long day, almost had panic attack for no reason driving home from work. I eat dinner and am watching TV just feeling full of adrenaline and anxiety, then boom my body feels totally normal. It lasted rest of the night and slept well. Woke up today with toxic feeling and adrenaline surge though drove to work and here I sit, feeling okay minus my left shoulder and left rib/chest muscle pain. Just absolutely bizarre!  :idiot:
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Hi,

 

I will hit the 1 year mark in a week from a CT off Xanax. Yep, told my doc that I wanted off and she said "stop taking them then" and proceeded to tell me there are no withdrawals. What an ass! Anyway, it's amazing to realize it's been a year, I didn't think I would survive a week. I have been in a wave for almost 2 months now. The cog fog, insomnia, entire body muscle soreness and the crazy thinking has been non stop. Prior to this wave I was ready to write my success story. Ugh!!!! I went out of town for a wedding last weekend and when I got home I was tired and laid down for a nap. I woke up 12 hours later!!! I still felt tired though and my thinking is it was my brain that just needed to shut down for a break. Very strange. Looking forward to my next window, hopefully soon! I love what Sleepless said about feeling like a scared, caged animal. That is exactly how this feels. Feel better buddies, we will get there!

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Blue,

 

Everything you described above is typical and I have definitely had that happen.  I remember going out to dinner with my husband and we were supposed to go grocery shopping afterwards.  Well in the restaurant, I began to feel very anxious and started having chest pain.  He had to drop me off at home and go shopping without me because I could not go.  And then there were many months of being able to drive some days and other days not.  And I too had health anxiety with every symptom, googling everything and spending tons of money on supplements!  It takes time to heal.  I am sure you know this, but do not drink any alcohol!  Stay away from things that touch gaba receptors.

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Floridablue-

 

I'm laughing at myself this morning- a bit embarrassed!  Sorry I unloaded my females issues onto your thread, lol!  I just noticed you are male, and for some reason I assumed you were a female! 

 

Katio-

 

Wow, a 12 hour nap?  Did you fall asleep close to bedtime?

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