Help 2 : I reinstated big time !!!!!

[[To...]]

Guys as you know I registered and committed to this forum and I've been trying to help out as much as I can and all day I've been posting trying to help people out because I feel this is my duty. I know so much about benzo's it drives me insane and I want to help wherever I can. I am trying to be as open and honest about everything as I possibly can. Otherwise what's the use of getting involved in a forum like this. To make a long story short I reinstated again. I tried to do a crossover to 15 mg of Valium today and I failed. It didn't do anything for me and by the time as I was trying to go to bed it got so bad I took a Xanax 1 mg again. I'm at my wits end here. Yesterday I did the same and there was a couple of days ago at the start of the week I took one too both on top of my other stuff. I'm terribly disappointed again and I need some help or advice here. You guys are all I've got. Nobody in the real world will understand any of this. I feel like I will never ever get off of it again this time. I took 3 so called "rescue doses" of 1 mg Xanax this week and yes I want to die. I feel deeply ashamed and guilty about it. It's the worst feeling in the world. This taper has become one big joke, that is if you can still call this a taper lol. And the worst thing of all I just gave advice to a person that took 2 mg of Valium because he thought  he was having a heart attack. I mean if this person will read I reinstated the equivalent dose of 20 mg of Valium what is this person supposed to think. He had every reason but I was weak. Not that it really matters because my advice was solid but still. I don't know how much of this I can take anymore. I keep asking myself is it still worth trying to get off. I'm at my 3rd "rescue dose" now this week and was off for about 3 weeks. What are you guys supposed to think of me again now ... I feel I let this group down and am being a weakling to say the least. This is just a nightmare. I wish all of this would end. Please give me some advice, I'm getting on my last nerve here. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm starting to think I should have never used the nickname Total Relapse .... This whole thing is turning on me and getting into one big joke. I wish I had a Zolpidem but I ran out, it seems to be the only pill that can help me when I get this upset. Oh man what an utterly pathetic joke this has become. I'm a pathetic human being. So much for the tapering.    :'(

[[so...]]

I'd say stop being so harsh on yourself everyone has messed up at one point and carry on with your taper, are you still tapering? And just try not to do it again

[[To...]]

I was holding at the equivalent dose of 15 mg of Valium. For some reason it doesn't seem to kick in anymore. I just did the crossover to Valium as from today from Clozan 10 mg. I been messing up my taper really badly lately. Call that a taper ... Yes I already stopped the Xanax which I was taking almost every day 3 weeks ago, this week I reinstated 3 times Xanax 1 mg. Thank you so much for your reply. 

[[so...]]

When I take my 7mg dose I don't feel it kick in either but I'm assuming because I started tapering at 10mg anything lower than that I'll be tolerant to

[[Ra...]]

TR,

 

OMG, Please if I can say one supportive thing to anyone here right now, let me say this, this is not your fault!

 

I have been feeling so awful that I took extra yesterday at the advice of my psych. so, instead of .25 in the morning, I took .5. This morning I think I will have to do the same. That's not going in the direction of getting off this stuff. But my god how much can a person take?

 

I can totally understand what is happening. This is suffering at its worst. And you probably just want relief from it.

 

You ARE supporting people and you NEED support as well. Just because you are offering support doesn't mean you aren't also going through it.

 

You being honest and sharing how hard this is is being REAL. This is REAL. And it is painful.

 

You are doing the absolute best you can in the situation you're in.

 

I hope you can believe that I can hear how painful this is. And that I completely understand that pain.

 

And that I'm so so sorry for it all. For you and everyone here.

 

God Bless you.

 

~R

 

 

 

 

 

[[so...]]

You can get back on track total relapse. How about before you relapse next time you post in here first and tell us what you are feeling before you do. Give us a chance to talk you out if it and support and remind you of what your goal is

[[Ry...]]

Hey, you helped talk me out of an updose. If you feel like you're going to reinstate again, I'm always here to talk. I get that you feel guilty for it, but what's done is done and all you can do is not do it again. Don't pile guilt on top of everything else a taper brings.

[[be...]]

Stop the guilt Total. You support a lot of people here and no one is here to pass judgment on your dilemma. We all get into these messes at times. Whether we updose, reinstate or freak out over a cut, we are all here for you. Today I'm going to try to cut 1 mg of Valium as opposed to the .5. Maybe just .75 so if I mess up I mess up. I might not be walking in a few days. But maybe I'll be fine. Having said that Xanax can be rough. So can Ativan and Klonopin. If I had my druthers though I would not have crossed over to Valium. A lot of people believe it's the only way...the Ashton way, but it was clearly wrong for me. I find, and have from the beginning, Valium insufferable. But if your determined to cross over I can't see that 15 mg is enough to start. No wonder you take your rescue doses. I would have been too. So it's just my 2 cents but I'd try cutting small amounts of Xanax every 2 weeks or so. Then when I got very low with that, and only then, I might try the Valium. But I doubt it knowing how I react to it now. Hindsight. If I only knew.  Anyway no matter what, post away. And above all don't give up. You will always have support here. Forget the rescue doses. Start fresh. B  :smitten:

[[To...]]

Thank you so much for your replies and support guys. It meant a lot to me and your posts sure spoke to my heart. It was very heartwarming indeed.   

 

I reinstated Xanax 1 mg 2 days in a row the other week and 1 time couple of days before. I hadn't used any in 3 weeks. I have a weird relationship with Xanax. I can go a month without taking it, then all of a sudden I do a streak of 2,3,4 or 5 days in a row, then stop again for 2,3 weeks then again maybe 1 time. That period before I was 3 weeks off it I was taking it anywhere in between 2 and 5 days a week. Anyways it sure is hard to explain my Xanax use but one thing's for sure ... I'm not getting a refill for this poison, I don't even like the way it makes me feel anymore, it does very little for me. Then when I come out of such a streak of daily use of Xanax I want to go 15 mg of Valium again like nothing happened and this is a big mistake.

 

When I tried to go to sleep yesterday I had only taken 15 mg of Valium and I didn't feel a single thing of it. I was just laying there in pain being tortured. That's when I would take out the Zolpidem, because it's the only thing that can help me in those situations but I ran out !! So I had to take the stupid Xanax once again and by evening I was in such utter despair and depression I took another one ! While we're at it right ... It doesn't do anything for me anymore and I don't like the feeling, it doesn't help me sleep anymore, just some kind of Xanax induced coma and numbing, it wears off after just a few hours these days. I've been in bed all day and night yesterday but I sure as hell wasn't sleeping, just laying there being tortured and numbing away once in a while, I'm starting to hate my life ...   

 

Sure thing Benzo Barb Valium is not the magical, miracle wonderdrug to get off the other benzo's. I have come so tolerant to it that I don't feel one single thing anymore when taking it, not a bit of relief and I have to use this to get off benzo's ...   

 

15 mg of Valium on Sunday and it was like being tortured and skinned alive ...   

 

What am I supposed to do here ...     

[[so...]]

Maybe you have to taper from a higher dose of Valium. Like 20mg maybe? I'm really not sure.

[[To...]]

Maybe you have to taper from a higher dose of Valium. Like 20mg maybe? I'm really not sure.

 

 

  For today I will go no less, you can bet your house on it. Funny I was just thinking the same thing before I came on here.

 

 

Thanks !     

[Guest [su...]]

I  asked myself is it really a good time for me to even start a taper? Maybe not..Because my life is pretty rough at me at the moment and I am under really bad stress. Maybe it is better to get stable and hold for some time. Until if feel OK in my heart, mind body and soul?

 

How is it around you? Is it really the best time to do this now? A mess? Or do you have good support?

 

I am so like u. Just wanna jump this crap and threw  the poison away or force a doctor to eat them like candy (morbid thoughts  .

But ask yourself. If it is time without alot of stress and be honest to your self. And forgive your self 

I m not ready but my doctor ( the Nazi one u know), she push me every time I meet her..Next time I m gonna freak out. And tell her what I think and even talk to her boss.

And after that I will change to another psycho doctor like all the others with no clue about benzo. I wrote my Nazi doctor an e mail that I said I will taper for a year..She went nuts. Said u got maximum 3-4 months. F*** her. I send her some voodoo power thoughts that she one day will meet the Demon Valium/Xanax or other benzo 

 

Feeling angry today but I cry of being powerless....

Hold on..We can do it!!! You are never alone

[[To...]]

I  asked myself is it really a good time for me to even start a taper? Maybe not..Because my life is pretty rough at me at the moment and I am under really bad stress. Maybe it is better to get stable and hold for some time. Until if feel OK in my heart, mind body and soul?

 

How is it around you? Is it really the best time to do this now? A mess? Or do you have good support?

 

I am so like u. Just wanna jump this crap and threw  the poison away or force a doctor to eat them like candy (morbid thoughts  .

But ask yourself. If it is time without alot of stress and be honest to your self. And forgive your self 

I m not ready but my doctor ( the Nazi one u know), she push me every time I meet her..Next time I m gonna freak out. And tell her what I think and even talk to her boss.

And after that I will change to another psycho doctor like all the others with no clue about benzo. I wrote my Nazi doctor an e mail that I said I will taper for a year..She went nuts. Said u got maximum 3-4 months. F*** her. I send her some voodoo power thoughts that she one day will meet the Demon Valium/Xanax or other benzo 

 

Feeling angry today but I cry of being powerless....

Hold on..We can do it!!! You are never alone

 

 

  OMG !!!!! I enjoyed reading this one, that was one funny post !!

 

Us forcing doctors ?   

 

I have the same thing going with what you wrote in bold.   

 

I have zero support by the way and it's never a good time.   

 

 

My thoughts are running so crazy today I even been thinking to go see that one super Nazi doctor I know for loads of candy but I bet my house on it he won't prescribe anything. I'm pretty convinced this one would Cold Turkey me in a heartbeat without any remorse whatsoever. It would even make him sleep well ...  F***ing Nazi scum ... 

[Guest [su...]]

I  asked myself is it really a good time for me to even start a taper? Maybe not..Because my life is pretty rough at me at the moment and I am under really bad stress. Maybe it is better to get stable and hold for some time. Until if feel OK in my heart, mind body and soul?

 

How is it around you? Is it really the best time to do this now? A mess? Or do you have good support?

 

I am so like u. Just wanna jump this crap and threw  the poison away or force a doctor to eat them like candy (morbid thoughts) .

But ask yourself. If it is time without alot of stress and be honest to your self. And forgive your self 

I m not ready but my doctor ( the Nazi one u know), she push me every time I meet her..Next time I m gonna freak out. And tell her what I think and even talk to her boss.

And after that I will change to another psycho doctor like all the others with no clue about benzo. I wrote my Nazi doctor an e mail that I said I will taper for a year..She went nuts. Said u got maximum 3-4 months. F*** her. I send her some voodoo power thoughts that she one day will meet the Demon Valium/Xanax or other benzo 

 

Feeling angry today but I cry of being powerless....

Hold on..We can do it!!! You are never alone

 

 

  OMG !!!!! I enjoyed reading this one, that was one funny post !!

 

Us forcing doctors ?   

 

I have the same thing going with what you wrote in bold.   

 

I have zero support by the way and it's never a good time.   

 

 

My thoughts are running so crazy today I even been thinking to go see that one super Nazi doctor I know for loads of candy but I bet my house on it he won't prescribe anything. I'm pretty convinced this one would Cold Turkey me in a heartbeat without any remorse whatsoever. It would even make him sleep well ...  F***ing Nazi scum ... 

 

I put a benzo spell on your nazi doctor....some nasty voodoo spells.. Happy to maybe made you laugh. If not force works?  What shall we do?

 

Yeah let's goes nuts I feel pretty crazy anyway and force or just ask nice because this is such a safe medicine ( they don't know a shit about them ) according to them. So let's make a bet with those nazi doctors to take some pills. Let's add Lyrica as well and some SSRI to. And say well eat this and I see you in a month. Then we go CT together.

Who will end up in a straight jacket? Not me...I guess the doctor will

 

I know what a terror w/d is...

[[To...]]

I  asked myself is it really a good time for me to even start a taper? Maybe not..Because my life is pretty rough at me at the moment and I am under really bad stress. Maybe it is better to get stable and hold for some time. Until if feel OK in my heart, mind body and soul?

 

How is it around you? Is it really the best time to do this now? A mess? Or do you have good support?

 

I am so like u. Just wanna jump this crap and threw  the poison away or force a doctor to eat them like candy (morbid thoughts) .

But ask yourself. If it is time without alot of stress and be honest to your self. And forgive your self 

I m not ready but my doctor ( the Nazi one u know), she push me every time I meet her..Next time I m gonna freak out. And tell her what I think and even talk to her boss.

And after that I will change to another psycho doctor like all the others with no clue about benzo. I wrote my Nazi doctor an e mail that I said I will taper for a year..She went nuts. Said u got maximum 3-4 months. F*** her. I send her some voodoo power thoughts that she one day will meet the Demon Valium/Xanax or other benzo 

 

Feeling angry today but I cry of being powerless....

Hold on..We can do it!!! You are never alone

 

 

  OMG !!!!! I enjoyed reading this one, that was one funny post !!

 

Us forcing doctors ?   

 

I have the same thing going with what you wrote in bold.   

 

I have zero support by the way and it's never a good time.   

 

 

My thoughts are running so crazy today I even been thinking to go see that one super Nazi doctor I know for loads of candy but I bet my house on it he won't prescribe anything. I'm pretty convinced this one would Cold Turkey me in a heartbeat without any remorse whatsoever. It would even make him sleep well ...  F***ing Nazi scum ... 

 

I put a benzo spell on your nazi doctor....some nasty voodoo spells.. Happy to maybe made you laugh. If not force works?  What shall we do?

 

Yeah let's goes nuts I feel pretty crazy anyway and force or just ask nice because this is such a safe medicine ( they don't know a shit about them ) according to them. So let's make a bet with those nazi doctors to take some pills. Let's add Lyrica as well and some SSRI to. And say well eat this and I see you in a month. Then we go CT together.

Who will end up in a straight jacket? Not me...I guess the doctor will

 

I know what a terror w/d is...

 

 

  No problem. How much for the voodoo spell ? Do you need pictures ? I'll send you the money for the dolls and pins !!

 

I have 5 P docs from over 10 years ago and 2 GP's that needs to be handled.     

 

 

Just remember to leave my current one alone ! She's a benzo- wise doctor who helped me a lot and make it happen that I get prescribed big large boxes of 100 5 mg Valium and loads of other candy to do my taper !!! Remember I need Valium to taper down ok ??!