Right now, I have to make The Call and ask for x two weeks early. I can't do it.

[[Li...]]

Hi buddies,

 

Is it too soon to call you buddies? You certainly have been the most positive, real people I've met and can be honest with. 

 

Quick backgroud - I came to this board because I was going to run out of xanax very early. I have run out a day or two early max. But stress got the best of me, coupled with bad self-destruction tendencies, and today is the day I have to make The Phone Call about running out TWO WEEKS EARLY.

 

My doctor already approved a refill on the condition this is the only time she will approve it and we will start working a plan. I am meeting with a therapist regularly now so things are moving...more positively. It doesn't feel positive at all when you are addicted but I know this is what must be done. 

 

Yet here I am.  I am filled with shame and maybe that's good. I don't want to feel like this ever again. But not knowing how the pharmacist will respond and if the insurance will allow it....I'm just scared. 

 

I have two groups they can say no and if they do...I know I'll have a seizure.  6 mg a day for too many years.  1% of me considered buying it off the street but that's laughable, stupid and even more humiliating. I wouldn't even know where to go and it's just...no. It's insanity. I literally would just end up driving to somewhere that is in a bad town of town and start asking people. That sounds like a good idea, right?!  I'm not doing it.  No.

 

I told myself I was going to call three hours ago and I'm still sitting here. No phone call.  The humiliation.

 

Stinks.

 

I don't know. Thanks for listening, as always.  I'm starting to feel withdrawals already. It's so hard, to deal with rebound anxiety. The insomnia and panic attacks, just would almost rather die, really and truly.  Guess I did this to myself, no time for self-pity here.

 

Ugh.

 

Thanks for the ear . Hopefully I'll have called by the time you have read this.

 

~Libby

 

PS Mods, I'm sorry if this is the wrong forum. I'm not on a taper yet so...I didn't think it belonged in that board but don't know?

[Guest [ch...]]

Hi Libby,

 

So you're saying the doctor already verbally indicated he/she would give you the refill, but now you need to make the call to that doctor to actually get the script? Please make that call now. At your Xanax dose, seizure is a risk if you suddenly stop. With a valid script from your doctor, the pharmacy and insurance company won't block it. You have a medically valid reason for it - it would be dangerous to stop cold turkey. Driving to the "hood" and asking the local drug dealer for Xanax is *not* a good plan! Call your doctor.

 

Once you've secured a supply to hold you for this month, you can start on a taper. We're here to support you in that.

 

All the best. Keep us posted.

 

Chessplayer

[[Ch...]]

Yep.  Pick up the phone.  We'll wait right here and be cheering you on.

[[Li...]]

Hi Libby,

 

So you're saying the doctor already verbally indicated he/she would give you the refill, but now you need to make the call to that doctor to actually get the script? Please make that call now. At your Xanax dose, seizure is a risk if you suddenly stop. With a valid script from your doctor, the pharmacy and insurance company won't block it. You have a medically valid reason for it - it would be dangerous to stop cold turkey. Driving to the "hood" and asking the local drug dealer for Xanax is *not* a good plan! Call your doctor.

 

Once you've secured a supply to hold you for this month, you can start on a taper. We're here to support you in that.

 

All the best. Keep us posted.

 

Chessplayer

 

Hi there. . Yes, that's exactly. My doctor said yes to two weeks early, just call it in.

 

I made this mistake of going to a legal message board and these lawyers ripped into this man who wanted his script ONE week early (and wanted to file malpractice when the doctor wouldn't do it)...they just went crazy on him. "He is an addict, go to the hospital, this is your fault, you are a seeker blaming others, this is your fault, sue yourself. No pharmacy or insurance will fill early, it's controlled, they will get in trouble.  Yadda, yadda, holy CRAP!

 

I'm going to go for it. God, i hate this. thank you so much.  I feel a little less horrified?!

 

 

~Libby

 

 

 

 

[[Li...]]

Yep.  Pick up the phone.  We'll wait right here and be cheering you on.

 

LOL, thank you! You guys....I don't know. I gotta stop with this big silly love fest but you really are so great. I pray I get to your side, someday, giving wisdom and encouragment to people.  Calling right now, I am, now, go me go me go!

[Guest [ch...]]

You're overthinking it. When I crossed from Ativan to Valium for my taper, the doctor supervising my taper wrote 2 Valium scripts - for 10mg and 2mg pills so I could create various taper doses by cutting pills. And I was filling them just a week or two after filling an Ativan script (I first was going to taper Ativan, then we decided to cross to Valium). I was worried the pharmacy or insurance company would give me trouble about filling so many benzo scripts in such a short time period. But it was no problem. I don't expect you'll have any problem either.

[[Ch...]]

Yep.  Pick up the phone.  We'll wait right here and be cheering you on.

 

LOL, thank you! You guys....I don't know. I gotta stop with this big silly love fest but you really are so great. I pray I get to your side, someday, giving wisdom and encouragment to people.  Calling right now, I am, now, go me go me go!

 

Take the bull by the horns, no time like the present.  Let me see if I can think of any more trite platitudes while we wait to hear what the outcome of the phone call is...

 

 

[[Li...]]

OH, I Blew it. 

 

I just blew it. Thank God you are strangers on the net. Now you are going to see how bad this has me and think less of me.

 

I don't know even where to begin.

 

One the good news...

 

The xanax ER was refilled, no problem.  Relief of some sort.

The OTHER xanax, will have to be "rewritten" so insurance refused it. What" Why?

 

Because I left out a huge, critical detail to you. If I can't tell you, can't tell anyone. I'm certainly telling my doctor. I wasn't trying to be a liar, I was too...ashamed? Denial? I honestly have no idea.

 

I can't finish. I'm just going to drive to my doctor. 

 

Silly not finish...

 

The doctor that initially subscribed Xanax made me see her once a month. I did that for 5 years.  In that five year time, she disappeared suddenly. I now know it's because she was given warnings by BOMEX (medical board that watches doctors). 

 

December of last year she told me, after 5 years, she would no longer be prescribing xanax to anyone. We had one month left.  I was petrified. 

 

Found a new doctor. Order restored. I waited months to see her, she's popular.

 

Everything was fine.  Until August.

 

Out of the blue, and I have nothing to hide now, my former doctor called in a prescription of xanax for me.  Guys? I'm not kidding about this. For someone like me, crippling along, it felt like a gift. It was a very tiny dose compared to what I was used to but I took it.  Because I'm an addict.  Because I'm an addict.

 

I left that out, didn't I. I was chicken, that's why.  How do you tell people I want to get well but when I get a free bottle of xanax, yes, I picked it up. 

 

And here we are now. This is why I ran out early. I didn't run out early. I went through the smaller bottle quickly and then finished off my bigger one. If I had never had the little bottle, I would be on track. 

 

This is my fault. I know. 

 

But now I have to go somewhere, I don't know where. My EAP at work? They have doctors? Show up at my new doctor and have her abolustely repulsed by me? 

 

I'm going to bring all my bottles to proof to her that, if I have anything going for me, I didn't ask for it and it's a small, small dose compared to what this body is used to.

 

Am I even making sense? 

 

I can't do this. I can't own up. She's already furious. 

 

Where do I turn? 

 

Do I got to my old doctor?

 

Oh, god. The insurance, I understand. They refilled two weeks ago. But it was a small dose that soothed me through my dad's hospital stay.

 

Whatever, I'm rambling.

 

Sorry to lie, somehoe believe me it didn't feel like lying. It felt like desperation.

 

Bye, sorry, sorry, sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

The doctor who started me on Xanax

[Guest [ch...]]

I don't understand. Your regular "big bottle" Xanax prescribed by your new doctor, is that the Xanax ER? What amount is that? The "small bottle" phoned in by the old doctor, is that the Xanax regular release? What amount is that? Your signature says you have been taking 3mg ER and 3mg regular release per day, is that not accurate? How does picking up 1 extra "small bottle" of Xanax cause you to run out of your regular "large bottle" of Xanax early? I'm sympathetic, I want to help, but I'm not understanding your situation.

 

Self-deprecating ("I am an addict") is not helping you at this point. You have an illness (Xanax addiction) caused by doctors/pharma companies, and you need help with that illness. Stop feeling guilty and get the help you need.

 

With affection and concern,

 

Chessplayer

[[Ch...]]

It is what it is, your body is dependent, that doesn't mean you're an 'addict'.  Trying to keep yourself from going into withdrawal is not the same as addiction.  It's dependence.

 

What will it take to be rewritten?  Call the doc and explain that part.  Then I'd go down and pick up the rewritten prescription.

[[Da...]]

I think you are under estimating people compassion here. Speaking for myself only I am also an addict and I have been clean for nine months now. If you need help from your EAP then contact them. There is nothing to be ashamed of, tons of us needed help to stop taking the pills. I went and spent 10 days in a residential rehab program. That we definitely not the end of the world for me and should not be for you either.

 

I feel for you and not in a way that I'm judging you, I have exactly the same problem. I would have been thrilled if a doctor over prescribed me. I would rushed down to the pharmacy and picked it up. I think that everyone here agrees you should post whenever you want to, no judgements here.

[[br...]]

Honestly just be thankful that you have a doctor that you can access and that help is available in your area. A lot of us don't have that help and have to literally either grovel to doctors that don't understand and force us into C.T. or go out of area (me) to get help.

 

Also you are not a bad person. We got hooked on the benzos through no fault of own. It happened and now we have to pick up the pieces and get on with it. Unfair, but we have to fight back. We all make mistakes. Forgive yourself, learn, and move on

[[Li...]]

I don't understand. Your regular "big bottle" Xanax prescribed by your new doctor, is that the Xanax ER? What amount is that? The "small bottle" phoned in by the old doctor, is that the Xanax regular release? What amount is that? Your signature says you have been taking 3mg ER and 3mg regular release per day, is that not accurate? How does picking up 1 extra "small bottle" of Xanax cause you to run out of your regular "large bottle" of Xanax early? I'm sympathetic, I want to help, but I'm not understanding your situation.

 

Self-deprecating ("I am an addict") is not helping you at this point. You have an illness (Xanax addiction) caused by doctors/pharma companies, and you need help with that illness. Stop feeling guilty and get the help you need.

 

With affection and concern,

 

Chessplayer

 

I was a wreck when I wrote that. Let me try again in English I'm going to put it in a list form because it helps me follow...

 

My current dosage with my new doctor:

 

Daily:

3 mg Xanax ER

3 mg Xanax (the regular quick acting type)

6 mg total

 

This has been working well. Not a miracle, but getting me through.

 

The below is key!

 

On Aug 30, my old pharamacy suddenly called me and said my xanax was ready.

This made zero sense. NONE.

I didn't call it in. My new doctor certainly didn't.

 

So who did.

It was from my former doctor who I had had no contact with for 8 months. 

The same doctor who had her license suspended for overprescribing xanax AND cut me off, and all her patients, in one month. (AKA This is your last month and then you need to find a new doctor for xanax).  Exact words.

 

Below is also key!

As I said, the "surprise bottle" of xanax was Aug 30.

In two days was the biggest presentation I had to give in my life.

I now have a bottle of xanax waiting for me. 

 

Yes, I picked it up. 

It was a very small dose for me....

.5 mg "as needed" (as opposed to the normal 3 mg of the REGULAR Xanax, please remember I take 3mg of Xanax er as well))

 

I justified it by decided i would just add the tiny .5 xanax to my current dosage (3mg) during presentations to help.

well, that didn't work out.

I started added to my current dosage every day. 

A LOT. 

Enough that I ran out of both two weeks early. (wasn't hard to run out of .5 xanax daily. I think that's two weeks, I need to do the math)

 

Bottomline, I bite off more then i could chew.

I thought these little "baby doses" would last me forever.

Well, they don't.

 

So, out of shame, I lied to my doctor.

How do I tell her a) I ran out two weeks early and b) another doctor gave me a light dosage that I went through and was too embarrassed to tell her.

 

Do you understand at all?

 

Since I last wrote this, I saw my therapist who had a no show and he made me feel less jsut fine.  He said I needed to come completely clean with my new doctor.  Thankfully they know each other.

He mentioned several times to say that he and I had met and he supported that I continue to receive care from her. That I had made a mistake based on how my brain chemistry had changed...the fear got the best of me.

 

Oh, you guys, it's just complicated.

 

Last bit...

 

The insurance company saw I filled on August 30.

Even though it's a smaller dosage they will not refill any xanax unless it's completely rewritten.

 

So that's where I stand.

 

I left a message with my new doctor, coming 100% clean, apologizing, asking for her help and hoping she will still be willing to see me.

 

A bit strangely, I also left the bottle from the other doctor at her office so she can see the dosage was much smaller then what I normallly use.

 

Now I am waiting for the phone to ring.

 

She's a very tough lady but I understand her being upset.

I hope we can work it out.

 

Long, emotional day. 

 

Thank for reading.  I'm on pins and needles waiting for her call.

 

 

 

 

[[Li...]]

I think you are under estimating people compassion here. Speaking for myself only I am also an addict and I have been clean for nine months now. If you need help from your EAP then contact them. There is nothing to be ashamed of, tons of us needed help to stop taking the pills. I went and spent 10 days in a residential rehab program. That we definitely not the end of the world for me and should not be for you either.

 

I feel for you and not in a way that I'm judging you, I have exactly the same problem. I would have been thrilled if a doctor over prescribed me. I would rushed down to the pharmacy and picked it up. I think that everyone here agrees you should post whenever you want to, no judgements here.

 

Thanks so much Davis. Your words about being "thrilled" at being overprescribed made me feel so much better. I don't know why but I just feel like this is some big character weakness of mine, there's something wrong with me alone though I know benzo does a number on everyone.

 

And the second thing was 9 months clean!! Congratulations.  When you can't go one day clean, 9 months makes ou sound like Thor/Wonderwoman, whatever fits! Honestly, very impressive.  Keep that up!

[Guest [ch...]]

I get it, you got a little bit extra and that led you to take a lot extra so you ran out. I hope you get a supply for the rest of this month. Keep us posted.

CP

[[Li...]]

Honestly just be thankful that you have a doctor that you can access and that help is available in your area. A lot of us don't have that help and have to literally either grovel to doctors that don't understand and force us into C.T. or go out of area (me) to get help.

 

Also you are not a bad person. We got hooked on the benzos through no fault of own. It happened and now we have to pick up the pieces and get on with it. Unfair, but we have to fight back. We all make mistakes. Forgive yourself, learn, and move on

 

I never thought about that, it's humbling. I'm sorry you have to go through that or anyone does. Honestly I don't know what CT is but sounds absolutely horrible. If it's related to having to obtain xanax, then I know it is. And groveling to doctors makes my skin crawl. 

 

I wonder...doctors, of all people, know how it changes our body chemistry. We aren't off 'partying' with our supply. We are just living. It's keeping us from insomnia and nightmare and panic attacks and all that rebound anxiety. They KNOW this. They know it. Why would there be groveling?  (I'm not doubting you, please understand. I'm doubting the doctors. I'm furious you or anyone is facing that).

 

Mistakes seem to be all I make in life, now in my 40s so it, being honest here, gets harder and harder to stay hopeful and certainly to forgive myself. But I do appreciate your words very much.  Thank you 

 

It's only those who have been there who "get" it. 

[[Li...]]

I get it, you got a little bit extra and that led you to take a lot extra so you ran out. I hope you get a supply for the rest of this month. Keep us posted.

CP

 

Thanks CP 

[[br...]]

C.T. is cold turkey and it is horrible. It basically happens when a person just stops taking the benzo with no form of slow, or any other kind of proper withdrawal. Look it up on the special forum header and you will see how dangerous and nasty it can be. Sometimes people do C.T. to themselves for whatever reason, but sadly many of get denied the withdrawal help we need by our own doctors, and without access to a decent benzo withdrawal schedule, have to C.T.  Usually these denial doctors are the same doctors that over prescribed benzos in the first place. I'm afraid the term 'grovelling' is all too real. This is what begging for help, while being treated like an addict can feel like. In fairness we could say that the majority of  the clueless doctors out there are not sadistic. Just terribly ignorant,busy, and with no concept of how bad things can get in the 'Benzo World'. A good addiction specialist doctor is to be treasured.

 

I am older than you and I still make mistakes. It is part of life and learning. Very often it is not even our mistake but another persons that we got swept into without our knowledge or consent .Benzo addiction belongs in this class. Again love yourself and be proud of what you have done already.