I really need help now

[[Ma...]]

I could really need some help.  I am in my late 60's--I am a pretty healthy woman, strong, exercising every day, really lucky.  But over 8 years ago a psychiatrist decided I needed to take 2 mg of clonazepam every night to help a huge generalized anxiety that I had.  I was too stupid to really know what he was doing, and so I continued to take the clon. all this time even though I knew it wasn't making me feel good or helping the anxiety.  Thank God I have a fabulous doctor now, have for the past 6 years, helping me.  We finally decided that I should stop the clonazepam which I did at the end of may, tapering off little by little until I had my last dose about 18 days ago.  I was stupid and not prepared for the effects of this withdrawal.  My doctor is very experienced and is wonderful to me and he promises that I will get through this and that he is going to be with me every step of the way.  But daily things are worse, the worst being the dizziness and the mind things that are happening such as feeling as though I am disconnected from my body and the truly hopeless thoughts that this will never get better.

 

It is so hard to concentrate and to even try to read other posts on here.  Intellectually I think I know that I will survive but I am at a point that I don't want to do this anymore and I wish there was a way out.  I have an amazing husband and children and grandchildren and I am used to being in charge of mu life.  Not any more.  The thought that this is going to continue for a long time is something I cannot deal with.  I hope there are some people out there who can relate to what I am saying and that have some hopeful things to say.  Any hope would be most helpful.  Thank you all so much.

[[Ch...]]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I am just a few years younger than you are and four years post taper.  Life is good again, I am happy and content with no complaints.  You'll get there, too, but right now you're in the 'acute' phase of withdrawal.  This is typically around a month, give or take.

 

The way out is simply time.  Until then, trust that my words are the truth...you will be okay with a little more time.  Recovery from having taken a benzodiazepine for a number of years (30 for me) takes time.

 

Maybe this will give you a little reassurance.  I bolded a few especially important points if the entirety of this passage is overwhelming right now.

 

Challis 

 

Recovery Tips [nobbc]http://www.psychmedaware.org/recovery_tips.html[/nobbc]

 

1. Recovery from being an accidental addict to benzodiazepines is serious business. It takes time for the central nervous system to heal and for neurotransmitters to stop being sensitive. None of us had the faintest idea that this kind of situation lay in front of us. So we are dealing with shock at what has happened as well as the real physical and mental/emotional symptoms of withdrawal.

 

2. Recovery is not linear, as it is with other illnesses or injuries. If we cut our hands, we can actually see the cut heal and the pain diminish over time. In benzo withdrawal we can be well one day and very sick the next. This is normal and we have to look at our healing differently.

 

3. Recovery is an individual thing, and it is difficult to predict how quickly symptoms will stop for good. People expect to be completely better after a certain period of time, and often get discouraged and depressed when they feel this time has passed and they are not completely better. Most patient support programs tell clients to anticipate 6 months to a year for recovery after a taper has ended. But some people feel better a few months after they stop taking benzos; for others it takes more than a year to feel completely better. Try not to be obsessed with how long it will take, because every day you stay off benzos, your body is healing at its own rate. If you do not follow this particular schedule, it does not mean there is something wrong or you are not healing. Even if you are feeling ill in some respects, other symptoms may disappear. Even people in difficult tapers see improvements in symptoms very early on. So don’t let these time-frames scare you. The way you feel at one month will not be how you will be feeling at three months or at six months.

 

4. It is very typical to have setbacks at different points of time (these times can vary). These setbacks can be so intense that people feel their healing hasn’t happened at all; they feel they have been taken right back to beginning. Setbacks, if they occur, are a normal part of recovery.

 

5. When people are in recovery, they have a lot of fears. One is that they will never get better. Another is that their symptoms are really what they are like — perhaps what they have always been like. Both of these fears are stimulated by benzo withdrawal. In other words they are the thought components of benzo withdrawal, just as insomnia is a physical component.

 

6. There is no way around benzo withdrawal and recovery—you have to go through it. People try all sorts of measures to try to make the pain stop, but nothing can shortcut the process. Our body and brain have their own agenda for healing, and it will take place if you simply accept it.

 

7. When you are having a bad spell, healing is still going on. People typically find that after a bad spell, symptoms improve and often go away forever. Try to remember this when times are hard.

 

8. There is no magic cure to recovery, but you can help yourself by comforting and reassuring yourself as much as possible. Read reassuring information, stay away from stress, ask your partner, family and others for reassurance, and go back to the things you did at the beginning if you are experiencing really tough symptoms.

 

9. When we start to feel better, it is very typical to try to do too much. We are grateful to be alive and we have energy for the first time in weeks or months. But this can be a dangerous time. When we do to much and take on too much too early, it re-sensitizes the nervous system. It doesn’t prevent healing in the long term, but it can make us feel discouraged. So try to pace yourself, even if you are feeling good.

 

10. You do need to respect your body during recovery, although you don’t need to make drastic changes to your lifestyle. Exercise, in any form is critical—even if you can only walk around the house or to the end of the block. Eating well and avoiding all stimulants is crucial. Regular high-protein snacks can help with the shakes and the feelings of weakness we have during withdrawal and recovery.

 

11. Recovery is all about acceptance, but this does not mean passive acceptance. Set small goals for yourself that are achievable. Try to keep exercise happening. Work at your recovery even if that means accepting you are sick—for now. You wouldn’t be hard on yourself if you were in a traffic accident and had injuries; you would work at rehab. Try to take the same attitude and approach to benzodiazepine withdrawal.

[[Ma...]]

challis 99, bless you for taking the time to reply.  I truly am hopeless.  As I have said intellectually I sort of know things will be okay eventually. And I am blessed to have a fabulous doctor who is willing to walk with me day by day to get through this.  But I cannot take advantage of him and I know I am  making my husband crazy.  At this moment I am watching my life fall apart around me because things I have been doing in the community and in the world are simply things I cannot do.  I can barely sit in a chair and try to read or something like that because I feel so dizzy and so shaky and so unavailable to think and do what I have always done----you are right in that quote--I was a fool---although I had read about what withdrawal could be like I never imagined it could be this horrible.  I have such anger for the doctor who originally had me take this---and truly to no benefit---and at myself for being so stupid and not questioning.  I truly do not believe I can do this one more day---but I don't know what else do to.

 

Many years ago we lost a young child and we were healed in so many ways.  Somehow this is even worse than that because I have no resources or ability to get the kind of help I got for grief. Although I do understand the idea that I had to go through the grief to get to the other side---and over the years I have helped, I think, a lot of other people in grief.  But this is something so different yet I realized I have no choice.  Thank you for giving me hope although the way I am feeling right now I really don't think I am going to make it.  But bless you all here and your willingness to share.

[[Di...]]

Out of curiosity, I was wondering what your taper schedule was like.  What timeframe?

 

 

Sorry you are feeling so bad. 

[[Ch...]]

challis 99, bless you for taking the time to reply.  I truly am hopeless.  As I have said intellectually I sort of know things will be okay eventually. And I am blessed to have a fabulous doctor who is willing to walk with me day by day to get through this.  But I cannot take advantage of him and I know I am  making my husband crazy.  At this moment I am watching my life fall apart around me because things I have been doing in the community and in the world are simply things I cannot do.  I can barely sit in a chair and try to read or something like that because I feel so dizzy and so shaky and so unavailable to think and do what I have always done----you are right in that quote--I was a fool---although I had read about what withdrawal could be like I never imagined it could be this horrible.  I have such anger for the doctor who originally had me take this---and truly to no benefit---and at myself for being so stupid and not questioning.  I truly do not believe I can do this one more day---but I don't know what else do to.

 

 

So, as a woman, mother, wife...we think we need to take care of it all.  This is a time for you to put yourself first.  You will recover from this, trust me, but for awhile you must put your own well-being first.  Many of us haven't put ourselves first since we were little girls, but this is a time to do so.  And it's okay.  You can catch up with everything later, but for now do only what you must do and let the rest wait.  Or give yourself permission to let someone else do it. 

 

Let your husband fend for himself for awhile.  Ask him to help with house chores for awhile. 

 

And let the anger at your doctor go.  He/she had no idea this would happen.  Truly.

 

I remember when I had to take it a minute at a time, or an hour at a time.  I remember saying aloud that I wanted to die.  Not commit suicide, just die to avoid the misery...then miraculously be revived when I wasn't in such misery any more.  If you are feeling suicidal, know that this is common but must be taken seriously...let your husband know, let your doctor know, take care that those feelings don't get out of control.  You will not die from withdrawal, even though you may want to sometimes.  One person here referred to withdrawal as 'licking the streets of hell' and it can be that way at times.

 

Many years ago we lost a young child and we were healed in so many ways.  Somehow this is even worse than that because I have no resources or ability to get the kind of help I got for grief. Although I do understand the idea that I had to go through the grief to get to the other side---and over the years I have helped, I think, a lot of other people in grief.  But this is something so different yet I realized I have no choice.  Thank you for giving me hope although the way I am feeling right now I really don't think I am going to make it.  But bless you all here and your willingness to share.

 

I'm so sorry for this loss.  I lost my mother horrifically and thought I wouldn't get through those months and years following her death, but I know the loss of a child must be worse.  My mind can't even go there.

 

You do have a resource now...this forum.  This is what got me through it, the reassurance that I wasn't going crazy, that I would get through it, that all these bizarre symptoms were actually normal.

 

Hang in there with us.  Keep posting. You will make it.  There is a pot of gold at the other end... it's worth the suffering to come out the other side.

 

You can do it.  We're here to walk the path with you.

[[Ki...]]

Maticopa,

 

Challis is right....you have US as a resource now, and this forum is 24/7 and you will always be able to find people willing to lend an ear or offer advice. You CAN do this, even if you don't want to.

 

I'm 13 months into recovery now and some days are still quite challenging (today being one of them) but overall I have done a tremendous amount of healing. Everything you are feeling is 'normal' at this stage of recovery.

 

In the early stages I read the Success Stories, almost obsessively, and they provided much comfort.

Here is a link to the success stories....I hope they'll bring you comfort as well 

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=89.0

[[Ia...]]

In general if it takes a year for you to recover and feel better it is a short time considering your life.  It's either take he drugs and be medically induced or live your life!  You got this!  This forum kicks ass!  It is so hard at first and you might get scared but you'll have good days and bad.,, just keep going!

[[Ma...]]

I am not good with computers so I don't know how to respond to a particular answer or thoughts some of you have given---good grief.  But thank you for trying to answer me because I really need your thoughts and I don't know if I am answering right. One of you asked about my taper schedule. Well I was on 2 mg over 8 years and it didn't even help me and I didn't even like it--but with my now doctor who is wonderful,  i started at the end of May this year and went fomr 2.0 to 1.75 for a bunch of days and then to 1.5 and then to 1.0 and then to .75--we didn't really have a good plan but I thought I was wonder woman and at the end of May 21 to August 20 I was at zero!!! nothing, nada.

I was so stupid because during this going down I didn't have so many issues but after being done, everything started to be so horrible.  I am now at about 18 days of nothing, nada, zilch,---but I am so sick and so horrible and so wanting to die.    Thank God my doctor knows what I am doing and he knows me and he knows how sensitive I am to so many drugs and he knows this whole process and he also knows that there is no predicting what can happen.

I am losing it because I don't want to continue to live..  I know I will have to, but I don't want to,  I cannot do anything about it, and I won't do anything stupid, but I want to die because I cannot live like this.  But I know I don't have any choice.  So I simply don';t know how to live one more day.  Thank you all of you who are out there.

I am so lost,

[[Ia...]]

It seems hopeless but it is not..: the taper was quick but either way it is not going to be easy.  Benzos have some of the worst withdralw of any drug.  You have to be strong and go day by day.  You can do this... 18 days is incredible!  Congrats

[[Ma...]]

Thank you for being there.  Where I am it is about 5 in the morning and it is dark outside.  It is about 19 days since I totally stopped clonazepam.  My doctor is an expert in this plus many other things and he is wonderful to me.  But I cannot take up all of his time.  I sort of knew it would be bad but I had no idea is would be this bad.  I started towards the end of May at 2 mg of clon. for over 8 years---and I tapered off a bit at a time until about 19 days ago when I totally stopped. No more. And each day seems to be worse.  I had started about 3 and a half years ago on a project to ride an exercise bike every day for over an hour---in two times a day.  And the past few months even more each day. sweating like I had taken a shower.  I have continued to ride the bike but yesterday I was so dizzy and upset and sick I simply could not ride at all.  It is horrible.  I am so antsy and scared and feeling as though I am going to explode and die.  Some of the things some of you have said make me feel as though I cannot do this at all.  My doctor knows me well and he among many other things has worked with people who truly have been abusing and addicted to benzo drugs.  I simply was taken poor care of by a doctor who I now know was horrible to me.  But I feel so stupid for not doing something much sooner.  I cannot write anymore.  I need hope.  I really need hope.  I need to know that I can survive

[[Di...]]

Thank you for your reply Mari.

 

You did a pretty quick taper...and I hope you feel better soon.

 

Just take one day at a time.  And as others have said, time is the healer.

 

Keeping you in my prayers for a speedy recovery. 

[[Ki...]]

You can survive. You will survive.

 

Right now you are in the acute stages of recovery, and IMO, it is the most challenging. This stage of withdrawal does not last forever. I know how difficult it is to find the inner strength and belief that you will heal from this, but I truly believe the people who've walked this road before us when they say we will recover 100%.

 

I'm glad you have a kind and supportive Doctor that you trust, that will help you. Unfortunately, even very well intentioned doctors are sometimes don't understand the full scope of benzo withdrawal and the need for a slow methodical taper. Your taper was quite fast, but that doesn't mean you won't heal.

 

Have you had a chance to read The Ashton Manual? There is a lot of great information in there and maybe you could share it with your doctor is well.

 

Stay strong 

[[Ma...]]

You are all amazing for being so available and supportive.  Forgive me if I cannot always respond to private messages--I actually do know how to use a computer but right now I am pretty bad at a lot of things.  Actually my doctor is so knowledgeable about benzos and how hard they are.  I have been working with him for 6 years on a lot of things and he is a naturopathic doctor, hormonal specialist, is brilliant and accessible and knows so much---he also happens to be working in what is really not spare time with a clinic in our area and he works with people who have been on a lot of drugs and stuff and we have had major conversations about the fact that clonazepam is probably the hardest of all of the benzos to get off of.  I knew this going in and I know that when I am through this that we will probably have solved a lot of issues that I have had and that we have not been able to solve.  He knows me really well and he knows how sensitive I am so so many things.  He admits that with all he does know--that he simply cannot predict or know how I, or anyone, will respond or be or react in a particular situation.  In spite of everything, I was just so unprepared for how awful this is and has been.  The worst part is being without hope and feeling as though this will never end.  I am a really strong and healthy person in so many ways--but this simply has destroyed me and I could not have imagined how bad it is.  And I thought that as the days passed I would be better, but instead I am worse.  Thank you all for being there.  I just really need hope.

[[be...]]

We were both on 2mgs of clonazepam/Klonopin long term.  We both have been existing in a world that words cannot describe, try as we may.  Sounds like we have both long since lost our ability to function despite having once been a highly functioning people. 

 

We had no idea what the Klonopin was doing to us or what was happening to our minds but more importantly, we did not know what to do (if anything) about any of it.  Therefore, I am grateful for the finally gaining the knowledge of what had made such a disaster our lives.  We have pinpointed the culprit and are thus afforded a solution which is huge.  We figured out that we had to get off klonopin and endure all that goes with it if we were to ever have a prayer of feeling better.  Short of figuring this out, we were screwed for life. 

 

I was certain for years that I had just gone crazy along the way somehow and had nearly gotten to a place of acceptance with it all. lol  I'm relieved to know that my symptoms are Klonopin related.  Previously, I was unable to even finds words to describe what I was experiencing day in and day out for years until I read other posts here on BB.  I glad it is the clonazepam because now there is a solution!  Things were completely hopeless short of and until recognizing this factoid. 

 

I am glad you are here (for selfish reasons) but am sorry about the circumstances that brought you here and the suffering you have endured.  I am going to be where you are in a few months from now so it helps to have some of the fear of the unknown revealed by seeing how you are doing.  It gives me (and others) a very good idea of what to expect so thank you for taking the time to share what you are experiencing here. 

 

I know it isn't always easy to write but am glad that you are posting despite not feeling dizzy and likely struggling to make out the words on the monitor at times.  I once was thrown into to long term benzo withdrawal syndrome after a hospital failed to give me any klonopin for five full days.  I became completely psychotic.  One of the things that I distinctly recall is how I was completely unable to read anything on the PC monitor screen.  Everything was too blurry.  I also just lost my glasses the other day and am so frustrated because I know that getting an eye exam and new prescription for glasses is not a good thing to do in the midst of a benzo taper because of the vision problems. 

 

I hope to be of help to you if possible if even only to listen and let you know that I am aware of what you are going through.  I'm listening.  I am glad that you are choosing to put up with the unpleasant things that you currently are in the name of healing from long term benzo use. 

[[Na...]]

You are not alone.  I am 66, female, day 89 for me.  Very intense acute withdrawal, don't be afraid of the disconnected feeling, it's just part of the process.  Everyday  I have said I can't do this anymore, but we do.  I know it's harder on us seniors, and we are continuing  to compare our recovery time to each other.  It seems like most buddies are younger, and healing faster than me.  I have past the average 60 day mark, with no improvement, but we have to go forward.  If I had any other injury I would not expect to recover as fast as a younger person.  We will get there in our own time.  Hugs!

[[Ma...]]

nanagetwell, and bezonotmyself--bless you for writing and responding--I am really losing it because I simply was too stupid for words and never expected things to be like this.  Thank God as I have said I have an amazing doctor--although he is super but knows me well and simply cannot tell me how and if I can survive this.  I think I probably did a taper too quickly but I got to the point that I could not go one dealing with taking clonazepam when it truly was not helping and was most likely hurting. 

 

I started May 21, having been on 2 mg of clon. for at least 8 years.  I spent 24 days at 2.0/1.5--then 12 days at 1.5 mg--then 29 days at 1.0 mg and then about 20 days at 1.0/.5 mg--I didn't have truly horrible effects but I consider myself someone who is powerful and strong---I have been on a regimen over 3 and a half years of riding an exercise bike an hour and a half a day---I thought I was invicible--NOT--I took my last dose about 18 days ago and flushed the rest down the toilet--not a good idea I know but important to me.  And I assumed I would gradually get better--my doctor is multi-talented and has worked with people who have been addicted because they LIKED this drug----along with his many other wonderful talents---he has told me that my age and my sensitivity to everything of which is he totally aware---has made this probably worse for me than a lot of people.  He often deals with people who could be my children and they seem to recover more quickly.  I am glad I am getting this out of my system, but I think it is going to kill me.  I certainly would like to be gone from this earth---I have no capacity to do anything and I am making my family crazy. 

My doctor has been with me and as I was tapering we decided together at a point to just stop totally---I think he knew more than he would tell me about what might happen, but actually I didn't want to continue more than I had to.  I pray that I will survive this and that eventually I will be able to look back and be glad.  Right now I don't know how I can live another day.  But I know I have no choice.  Thank you all for being there  And I send blessings to you all

[[so...]]

Maricopa Mom,

 

I am glad you found this forum.  To ease your fears, age has little or nothing to do with the speed or duration of your recovery.  As a matter of fact, we seniors have more patience and coping skills than younger people.  The younger folks are suffering just as long and just as intensely as we are.  It is proven that, regardless of age, all of our brains have the same ability to heal.

 

You are suffering from the same morbid thoughts as the rest of us...that we can't do this one more day, that we will never heal 100%, that it will take several years to recover, that there is something seriously wrong with us that others aren't afflicted with, that the benzos have caused permanent damage...the list of intrusive thoughts is endless.  They are all LIES that this recovery process induces, and nothing more.  They are not the truth.  The REAL truth is that we all heal 100% from this.  We end up better than before because we are going through a major recycling process where things are being fixed inside us that we weren't even aware were impaired.  We will emerge from this even better than we were before benzos.

 

You might find comfort in reading the Four Phases of Withdrawal in the Post Withdrawal Board sticky noted in pink at the top of the list.  It will give you hope that your brain knows exactly what to do to fix this and is doing so right now.  How you feel today will not be how you feel in a few weeks or months from now.  Acute is the hardest phase and you are plowing through it day by day.  It gets easier.

 

Distraction is the best thing you can do to help yourself get through this.  Find whatever helps you pass the hours each day.  Diet is important.  I eat a healthy hypoglycemic diet that stabilizes my blood sugar levels.  Steer clear of processed foods and chemicals in foods and cleaning products.  Avoid alcohol.  Strenuous exercise produces more cortisol and adrenaline, which will make you feel worse, so limit yourself to moderate walking.  Exercising until you sweat is a sign your cortisol and adrenaline are in high gear.

 

You will make it through this.  It is a journey that is like no other.  Your family will never understand what you are going through, but your buddies on this forum know EXACTLY what you are dealing with.  Stay on the forum, post and read as often as you can for support.

 

We are all here for you.  We have been where you are and we know it gets better.  I give it all to God and He has been by my side the entire way.  Whatever higher power you believe exists, hold onto blind faith that you will be completely well someday.  Despair is a product of our impaired brains right now.  Accept the doom and gloom as just part of the process, not reality.  You will heal 200%.

 

Sofa

[[Ma...]]

Sofa, thank you for taking the time to write.  Although I have to tell you, reading that I might be better in months or a year is not helpful because I am at a place that imagining months or longer is so horrible that I really am not going to make it  Truly.  I realize I have no choice but I feel as though I am going to die and I wish I would.  I pray that I will make it to the other side but right now I truly doubt that.  I think you people are stronger than I am--and I simply don't and cannot do much more.  Pray for me.  Thanks for being there.

[[so...]]

Maricopa,

 

Everyone is unique when it comes to how long this takes.  You could be finished with this tomorrow. Remember how miraculous our bodies heal.  Don't compare yourself to anyone else.  You focused in on a small part of the bigger picture I gave you.  It's what our brains do in recovery, feed the fears.  You have no need to fear anything.  Withdrawal cannot hurt you.  Yes, you feel crummy sometimes, but that's it.  You are not sick or damaged.  You are recalibrating.  Finding balance.  Your brain is doing its job healing you. 

 

You are strong.  Everyone on this forum is a warrior.  Most people who take these drugs stay on them for life.  The few who decide to stop the drug madness go through the discomfort of withdrawal and get to the other side, a new fresh drug-free life.  I have children and grandchildren I want to play with and dance with and giggle with.  So do you.  And we will very soon.

 

Sofa

[[Di...]]

Hang-in there Mari, and all others. 

 

[[be...]]

Maricopa Mom,

 

One coping skill that I use when I feel as bad as you sound to be feeling today is to tell myself that my only job is to simply breathe.  Seriously.  To heck with everything else!

 

I feel like I am just dying sometimes too.  Of what, I am not exactly sure though.  I tell myself, "Well, that is ONE autopsy report I would be interesting in reading."  I wonder what the official cause of death might be.  It makes me laugh and helps keep things in perspective. 

 

It is helpful to remind yourself that you experiencing the effect of a medication, Klonopin.  Crippling as the intense feelings may become, your only job is to breathe when it gets 'that bad.'  It helps me to think this way and I hope it helps you too.

 

I really hope that the video attached hereto is not offensive or against the rules.  I have shared this with friends before which is also how I came upon it.  It makes me laugh hysterically which is a good thing.  Humor is good and that is my only purpose in posting it here.  I am hoping that it will bring others as much joy as it has me.  It literally makes me laugh out loud.  Enjoy!

 

[[Ch...]]

This is one of my best coping strategies:

 

Breathing gif:

 

http://i1261.photobucket.com/albums/ii589/challis99/breathe-gif_zpstuxdwviu.gif

 

Breathe in as it opens.

Breathe out as it closes.

[[Gr...]]

MaricopaMom, you CAN and WILL survive this!  In fact, it'll make you a stronger person with a gratitude for life you never had before.  I've been tapering off of Clonazapam for almost a year now and the withdrawal has been hard, but doable.  We must keep reminding ourselves that we will make it through this -- to be patient and give it time.  We are blessed to have this forum and all the wonderful people on here to help us through this.  The dear ones on here have been so helpful to me and I've learned a lot.  Get ahold of the Ashton Manual and read it.  Post on here as often as you want to - no question is too dumb.

I also, trusted the doctors that had me on the Clon. 3 of them!  None of them warned me.  In fact, the last doctor (who was the head of the detox unit here in my city for 10 years!) said it wouldn't be a problem going off of it as it was a low dose.  When I later confronted him about my withdrawal he said I must be "sensitive".  Grrrrr.  But I've forgiven him and moved on.  To healing!  And you are also! 

[[Ma...]]

I appreciate all of the input.  I am not sure I will make it though.  I am not sure I want to make it because this is so much more awful than I ever expected.  I realize that most likely I did this too quickly.  My doctor knows so much---the doctor I have now who is great---but he has shared with me that with all of his knowledge, it is so hard to know with an individual person what the result it going to be.  I started around May 21 on 2 mg of clonazepam per day---and now I am at September 8th with about 18 or 19 days at zero----so from May 21 to August 21 I went from 2 mg to zero----perhaps too fast---but here I am now and I flushed any leftover pills down the toilet which I know is a bad thing---but it was liberating to do that and I will never take anything like that again.  At this point I don't really care.  And I am a strong and powerful woman used to making things happen and I don't see that ever again being my life.  Who knows.  But bless all of you for being here.  Each day is worse and I don't see any future.  But thank you all in any case.

 

 

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[[Jo...]]

I appreciate all of the input.  I am not sure I will make it though.  I am not sure I want to make it because this is so much more awful than I ever expected.  I realize that most likely I did this too quickly.  My doctor knows so much---the doctor I have now who is great---but he has shared with me that with all of his knowledge, it is so hard to know with an individual person what the result it going to be.  I started around May 21 on 2 mg of clonazepam per day---and now I am at September 8th with about 18 or 19 days at zero----so from May 21 to August 21 I went from 2 mg to zero----perhaps too fast---but here I am now and I flushed any leftover pills down the toilet which I know is a bad thing---but it was liberating to do that and I will never take anything like that again. At this point I don't really care.  And I am a strong and powerful woman used to making things happen and I don't see that ever again being my life.  Who knows.  But bless all of you for being here.  Each day is worse and I don't see any future.  But thank you all in any case.

 

You'll make it.  Of course you don't want to go through this, none of us do.  And you may want to die, but you won't.  All I did was think of my husband and family and friends.  If you did something to hurt yourself, just think of what they'd go through.  So that kept me going, personally.  Because I didn't really care to live this life.  But I kept going, and you can too.

 

You need to work on letting go of having any control over this, or being powerful.  You're human, you're suffering, and that's ok and the way it has to be right now.  You'll have to find it within yourself to know, deep down, that you will get past this.  Not when you want to, but when your body is ready.

 

And to be honest, your doctor sounds wonderful but isn't really a main factor in this.  The support will be wonderful for you but in the end, we have to do this on our own.  Live with ourselves and our symptoms day after day, minute by minute.  You need to find the strength within yourself to keep going.  And know that you will not be in a good place mentally or physically sometimes.  Acceptance is key here.  Research and google all that you can dealing with acceptance of a horrible situation. And luckily your situation is temporary.  This is temporary. 

 

The main thing I've found during all these months is the self talk we have.  What I say and think to myself absolutely matters (think positive affirmations).  The more you say and type how you will not survive, you will die, how you would like to die....that makes a difference.

 

 

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