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My Story


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Once upon a time there was an an ambitious young boy ready to conquer the world. I had my life plans set by the age of 15, a classic overachiever. But this came with it's flaws, overthinking. By the time i was in college my overthinking was causing me sleeping issues, at first they were mild, but after a while it really started messing with me.

 

I wanted to get my MBA while i played college soccer, and eventually go over and become a professional soccer player while running my own business. I already had a scholarship and i already had a businessplan, what could go wrong? Well, after my first year in college i decided i needed to sort out my sleeping issues. At this point they were causing me big problems. I had started to get anxiety and was depressed, at the time i had no idea what this was, none at all. My lack of sleep was messing with my head. So i made an appointment with a GP and asked for something that could solve this sleeping issue. He said i should take Diazapam, i had never heard of this so i asked "is it addictive?" He said "no, not at all" Then i specifically asked again, "it really doesn't cause addiction?" Again he said "no" and went on to explain "all pills come from chemicals found in nature and are compressed into a pill form, so you don't have to worry, it's natural". Yes, he really said that. What an ignorant moron!. This was but the first of many pathetic doctors i had in my life. I later went on to sue him, but that's a story for another time.

 

Anyway, after this amazing speech i of course trusted his decision. I started on 10mg Diazapam at night time. And that first night of taking the pill I FELT AMAZING!!!! I thought i had found a magical pill, forged by lady Galadriel herself in the Lothlórien forrest.

This was it! My life was back on track! I was sleeping again, i was focusing on my MBA and training, everything was just perfect it seemed. In fact it was not, i had just signed a deal with the dark lord Sauron.

 

Days turned into weeks, turned into months, turned into years. A decade had gone by. I got my MBA, opened my own business and was living a great life, traveling the world with my girlfriend, bought a house, a car and anything else i wanted. I was playing soccer as a semiprofessional, it was almost my dream life. All this time i told no one that i took medications, i had reached 40mg Diazapam and 70mg Oxazapam. And now even this dose wasn't doing it for me anymore. I wanted to go up to 50mg Diazapam and 100mg Oxazapam. I went and talked to my GP again, this time he said, "no I can't increase the dose anymore, stay on what you have or quit using the meds" So i did the only sensible thing, found another GP. In fact it was a desperate attempt to keep this false dream-life continuing. The new GP refused to give me any more and said YOU HAVE TO QUIT THESE DRUGS! I sensed the seriousness in his voice. "They will end up killing you" I was in shock! "Kill me?" I went on to tell him about my last GP and how he had given me these pills and these high doses. And was told they were completely safe, My new GP was amazed, and said you will end up dead, i have seen it happen over and over again to young healthy guys and girls. That's when i knew i had to stop, enough was enough. I had lied long enough and i had been riding this benzo train for long enough. Time to face reality.

 

So quitting, that should be easy enough right doc? Well, as you all know, this is the beginning of a horrorstory, even thinking about it hurts.

I went against the doctors advice, he said i should taper over months, i said i could do it cold turkey. BIG MISTAKE. After the third day i almost went in shock, my body froze and i felt like i was dying. I had an extreme seizure. I was rushed to the hospital and they gave me Diazapam to stop the seizure. I now understood, this process will be long and horrible. No shortcuts.

 

I had an advantage going into this, i knew alot about supplements and diet, my body was very strong and athletic. Also, i had my own business and did not have to go to work. I had the money to check into a fancy schmancy clinic for detox and rehab, but i didn't want to. In fact, i hated the idea, i wanted to do this on my own. I alienated all my friends and family, even my girlfriend. The benzo's had made into a HUGE ASSHOLE after a decade i had become a different person, cold, emotionless, sterile. I didn't know it at the time, but i realized after i had recovered, I had been being a douchebag for years!.

 

I ended up isolating myself, i was like Quasimodo. I lost 65 pounds and i though i was going to die. I was seriously malnourished. The reason i didn't eat was two fold, one because my stomach was on fire, and two because the lower weight i had the more effect the doses i took had. I was going down 1mg a day from Diazapam and 5mg Oxazapam. That was way too fast, but i just wanted to end this addiction at the time, I had no patience. That was the wrong philosophy for sure. There are no shortcuts with benzo's, that's what i learned. Even though i continued with this plan i don't recommend anyone else do the same. Go down much much slower.

 

During the taper i didn't sleep for days on end, my record was 7 days with no sleep at all, at that time i was a zombie, the walking dead, i couldn't think at all and everything was a fog. A whole shitload of withdrawal symptoms started, and some of them lasted for 3 years. My eyes hurt, i was almost blind for weeks, i couldn't feel my feet and hands, extreme migraine's, convulsions, puking, loss of balance, my blood circulation had almost stopped, my hands were ice cold. I was dizzy, lost the ability to speak and hear. Couldn't read. I had heart palps, extreme cramps all over my body, shaking like i had Parkinson's. Fever, cold, hot, cold, hot, cold hot. That's just 1% of my symptoms! My mind was destroyed, i had reached the depths of hell. And i seriously thought i would never climb back up. At this point i didn't care anyway, if i lived or died, that's how cruel these drugs are.

 

I made a recovery plan when i was able to think and write again (check out my 1000% recovery post). And i followed that plan every day. I took all my life and energy to do so, but it worked. My best friend was a smoothie, that says it all.

 

 

Fast forward 3 years and I'm a different human being, i learned more about life and myself in those 3 years than i had my whole life. I learned it the hard way, but i learned it. There was more to life than a career and money, life was so fragile and i had seen it first hand. One thing we have alot of during recovery is time, nothing but time in fact. I spent that time reflecting on everything, pondering existence. I came out of this a better person, 100 times the man i had been. We are so lucky living in the western hemisphere. But sill we feel like the world owes us something. The truth is that no one owes us anything. "There's no fate but what we make for ourselves" Yes that's right, i quoted Terminator 2, Hehe. But it's true, we make our own future everyday. As I'm writing this i look back at how i was 2 years ago, i couldn't even read properly and here i am quoting the terminator. Life always finds a way, (that's Jurassic Park by the way). Nothing is permanent, it's never to late to change things, change life philosophy, life direction, life choices. I used to think life was very black or white, but boy was i wrong. Life is full of choices and colors. My secret to overcome the benzo's was simple, i wasn't about to lose my life to a fucking pill, no fucking way. I got angry, it was me against the benzo. Evertime you hit me I'll hit you harder! I lost all fear i previously had in my life, after being hit by the benzo truck nothing scares me anymore. Nothing even compares to the hell i experienced. When i now see my friends crying over spilt milk i laugh. I notice how big babies people are, when we slightly experience something bad we run away and cry about it. And hide behind a pill. It's not how it's supposed to be. Our ancestors would slap us in the face if they saw how big pussies we have become. Now that i have healed i notice how well my body handles sad emotions. Gone is the depression and anxiety, you just have to let you're body work it out by itself. Our body is amazing, for millions of years it's been refined and has learned to handle all kinds of things. We just have to let it work things out by itself and not confuse it with pills.

 

That's the right word, confuesed, benzo's have confused our body and we now need time to readjust. I remember crying for the first time in years, i had lost the ability to cry while on benzo's. I was such a relief, before i was frightened of crying, now i embrace it. It's just a human emotion. I took me 1 year to learn how to laugh again. Now i laugh every day! I'm engaged to my lovely girlfriend and have started my business up again! I'm back to loving movies, music, traveling, reading, training, sex, cooking, chess and just living life. It's just 3 years, it's nothing, you have the rest of you're life to live in peace and happiness. Everyone on this forum will heal, that's a guarantee. If i did it so will you. The important this is how you re-enter life after this ordeal. Hit the reset button, it's a fresh start. This is the beginning of you're new and improved life!  :)

 

 

 

 

 

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Thank you for sharing your story!  Sounds like you took the rough road but made it through regardless.  I also admire your honesty.  It's not easy to take a look critical look at yourself.  Years of drug use had changed me into somebody I didn't like as much as my original self.  When I was younger I also had a hard time realizing what really made me happy.  Was it success?  A good relationship?  Now I know it's loving yourself and appreciating what you have in life.  And when benzos take away your happiness it is something to cherish once you get your well being back.  Congrats on how far you've come!  By the way Terminator 2 is easily one of my favorite movies. :thumbsup:
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Thank you for sharing your story!  Sounds like you took the rough road but made it through regardless.  I also admire your honesty.  It's not easy to take a look critical look at yourself.  Years of drug use had changed me into somebody I didn't like as much as my original self.  When I was younger I also had a hard time realizing what really made me happy.  Was it success?  A good relationship?  Now I know it's loving yourself and appreciating what you have in life.  And when benzos take away your happiness it is something to cherish once you get your well being back.  Congrats on how far you've come!  By the way Terminator 2 is easily one of my favorite movies. :thumbsup:

 

Thanks buddy! :) It's probably the hardest thing we will ever do in out lives, ditching benzo's. I was pretty young when i started on the pills, so i had much to learn. Looking at yourself with x-ray vision is really tough, and i'm my worst critic. But it's better to examine yourself and grow/learn, instead of going around being that young stupid guy all the rest of you're life.

I think you will end up loving the new you as much or maybe even more eventually  :) I really takes time to get into that mode, where you start loving life again, after benzo's, i'm sure you'll get there! I watch Terminator 2 once a year, huge moviebuff.

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Man! What a great story! Thanks for sharing! A huge encouragement. I am still battling through this mess and have a lot of fight left in me! I wasn't on benzos for many years as you, but I was on a high dose for about a year. It's been the toughest thing I've ever been through. But I just want to say congratulations on your recovery and thank you for posting your story. I in so many ways am similar to you. Thanks again brother, and best wishes!

 

    ldm27    :thumbsup:

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Thanks for sharing your fantastic story of discovery and recovery! I know you will inspire so many here on BB by telling us about your journey. Beautifully told too!

 

Thanks again, and best wishes to you for a great life ahead!

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Man! What a great story! Thanks for sharing! A huge encouragement. I am still battling through this mess and have a lot of fight left in me! I wasn't on benzos for many years as you, but I was on a high dose for about a year. It's been the toughest thing I've ever been through. But I just want to say congratulations on your recovery and thank you for posting your story. I in so many ways am similar to you. Thanks again brother, and best wishes!

 

    ldm27    :thumbsup:

 

Thanks man!  :) This is a battle you will win, trust me. Even a year on this poison is enough to ruin person. I no time you'll be back stonger and better than before, best of luck buddy!

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Thanks for sharing your fantastic story of discovery and recovery! I know you will inspire so many here on BB by telling us about your journey. Beautifully told too!

 

Thanks again, and best wishes to you for a great life ahead!

 

Thanks you!!  :) My goal is to help as many as possible getting off this poison. If i can inspire only one person i would have succeeded  :)

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I've just your other posts as well. You're doing a lovely thing by encouraging people! It's such a gift to others to reassure them and to show them by your example that things can be better. I don't think there's one person on BB who doesn't need reassurance.

 

You've certainly inspired me, and I will share your Success Story with some of the people in my circle. I know it'll touch them as well.

 

  :smitten:

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I've just your other posts as well. You're doing a lovely thing by encouraging people! It's such a gift to others to reassure them and to show them by your example that things can be better. I don't think there's one person on BB who doesn't need reassurance.

 

You've certainly inspired me, and I will share your Success Story with some of the people in my circle. I know it'll touch them as well.

 

  :smitten:

 

Thank you so much buddy!  :) I'm glad i could inspire you, that means alot. When i was doing my recovery all i read online was how you'll never recover 100% and that people were permanently injured. Well i wanted to prove them wrong, i took me 3 years, but i did it! And if i can do it, so can anyone else on this planet! Certainly someone as strong as you guys on this forum  :)

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What an amazing story!! CONGRATULATIONS!! You have guts. That's what it takes to get through this.

 

Thanks!!!  :) I'm really impressed by you're progress! You know 60 is the new 40 right? so you're only 44  :) You have you're entire life in front of you!! Soon you're healthy as a salmon in the summer stream! :)

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Milkyway,

 

What a great success story you wrote from the heart.  I feel like I WILL make it through this mess someday.  Thank you so much for giving back with your story of hope and triumph!

 

Sofa

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Milkyway,

 

What a great success story you wrote from the heart.  I feel like I WILL make it through this mess someday.  Thank you so much for giving back with your story of hope and triumph!

 

Sofa

 

Thank you! :) The people on this forum are toughter than most people, that includes you! I'm sure you will makes through this with much to spare, and become better person and a stronger spirit. We don't know what were made of until we are put to the test :)

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Congratulations! This is a very inspiring story. I needed this encouragement today. Thank you for taking the time to write this. Wishing you a wonderful life ahead!
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Congratulations! This is a very inspiring story. I needed this encouragement today. Thank you for taking the time to write this. Wishing you a wonderful life ahead!

 

Thanks Grace!  :) I'm glad i could inspire you.

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Hello

 

I just want to thank you for writing your story.

I found it very inspiring and it helps so much read this.

Wishing you a brilliant future.

Thanks once again! 

 

Lib  :thumbsup:

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Oh wow, what an inspirational fab person you are. I have read and re read your story and it's comforting that I can relate to so much. So it's helps me to think, ok, maybe then. This robs us of so much and strips us down to be naked and distraught, that we feel lost forever. It's people like you that keep us going. Thank you so much.

 

:smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

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Oh wow, what an inspirational fab person you are. I have read and re read your story and it's comforting that I can relate to so much. So it's helps me to think, ok, maybe then. This robs us of so much and strips us down to be naked and distraught, that we feel lost forever. It's people like you that keep us going. Thank you so much.

 

:smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

 

You're too kind Marj, thank you so much!  :) I'm just glad i can inspire people that need it, i had no one when i was at my lowest in life. I don't want others to feel like i felt. The road is long but you will find happiness and peace in the end, that i promise you  :) Soon people will envy how strong you have become  ;)

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thank you Milky way, your story was very well written and I really needed to read this today. thank you so much, I wish you continued success !

:D

just a question for you, were you with the same girlfriend all the way throughout your healing? my boyfriend left me and I am so heart broken

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