Desire/Connection/Accomplishment

[[si...]]

Today I am one year free of benzos. I take no other medications.

 

I fear that this is going to continue to be a long road to healing.

I could talk about the symptoms that I have, but I would like to comment on the feelings that I don't have anymore, that I believe are being caused by the wd  symptoms.

I no longer have these feelings no matter how hard I have tried to get them back in the last year.

The desire to do anything that I found fulfilling in the past.

The sense of connection to people,my life,or this world we live in.

The good feeling of accomplishing a goal or a task no matter how small or how large.

The excitement of planning and going out to do something fun or looking forward to a event.

 

These are things that I believe make us human and without them life is very hard.

 

I don't want to be the old me, not that it was a bad thing. But I just want these feelings back before I die and some sense of a calm, peace of mind.

 

I know I had these feelings in the past but it is getting harder and harder to remember.

 

 

 

[[Sh...]]

I hear you Silveralpha. Everything you have described, I too feel.  You are NOT alone.  Like I am sleepwalking through my life.  I do all the normal things - cook meals, maintain a pleasant living environment, exercise, socialize a bit, keep up with my hobbies.  But there is just no joy in it.  I feel as though life is passing and I'm not a part of it.  I have been off benxos for 13 months now so we are on a similar timeline.  The intense suffering of acute is just a memory and my physical symptoms are improving.  Yet I realize every day I still have a lot of mental and emotional  healing to do.    I can only press ahead and go through the motions, hoping this is just another phase as we heal from this mess.  I will never be the person I was before but maybe I can be better in some ways now that I am fully aware of the fragility of the human condition. 

 

XX

She

[[Tr...]]

Congratulations on the one year anniversary. You're talking of many of the feelings I have coming off of an antidepressant. Your post is painful to read. It's always difficult to tell if these issues come from changes in the brain based on taking the medications, or if they're the natural state of affairs, or if they're based on circumstance.

[[we...]]

Hi silveralpha,it is  ahuge accomplishment that we survive any of it.You are right though,who wants to be the old version of ourselves,but to have drive,and joy and connection is so human to want those things.I believe that there are hidden gifts in all of this benzo crap.I really do.Even though we don't feel the way we used to this is allowing me to say"that's enough"when people cross my boundaries.I get cranky and tell people when i am mad,and when I am hurting.I cry,and there is nothing stopping me now.The old version of me,put on a strong front.I would let people walk over me with few boundaries,I would hold things in when I got hurt,and I tyred not to cry,because in my mind that was not not being strong.So going thru all this has made me a little more real about what is really going on,and for me that is one blessing that this horrifying experience as brought me.It has also allowed me to weed out the people who had not fully had my back and brought forward those who do,Really.Often I have cry ed lately and said"where did she go".I am still here,my brain is just preoccupied with healing,which it has never had the opportunity to do,because i was covering up my lack of boundaries and my stiff upperlip,with medication.Now the Vail is off and its bare me.Scary as it is I know that there is more gifts coming from all this and the wonders of being authentic.True blue Wendy!!!

We are really truly meant to go through this crap to get to know and not take for granted all the good experiences of joy and happiness.Its coming,Its coming for you and me and hopefully all the people who have been thru this!! :)wen

[[Ia...]]

YOU ARE DOING GREAT!  You were on that stuff for a long time so it will take a bit longer.... YOu will make it.

[[Da...]]

Hi Silveralpha, I can so relate to every word you are saying. The things you have listed are things that I maybe believe I had at one time. But I think it is also easy to glorify the past and remember good things not bad. But the feeling of accomplishment for doing anything is definitely not there anymore. It is like I'm numb to all these feeling. I also lost the feeling off being connected to both myself and others (DR/DP). As much as I want to get those feeling back it just does not seem possible. At least I don't think there is anything I can do to bring them back. I'm hoping they do come back at some point for both of us.

 

This thing is so difficult and the mental aspects of it are so hard too.

[[si...]]

Thanks everyone,

I have been a member of this site for a long time. There was a time when I couldn't  even look at a computer. Then I started reading posts and then progressed to replying.

So yes it has been a long hard road and very slow healing.

This has been said many times, but I will say it again. This is the only place that I can relate to how others feel. I know you know how I feel and made me feel not so all alone.

 

[[sl...]]

Well, here we both are, one year off.  This day last year I had some crazy symptoms pop up like intense hallucinations (my first night off!).  they have greatly subsided; yet, sleep is still a huge problem and because of that, I can agree with everything in your post.  Today is in my top 20 worst days of my life, but I'm praying that the new year will bring a lot of positive change. I can't handle this terrorizing torture at night and feeling like I just lost my entire family in s

 

 

[[sl...]]

Sorry-  I will finish...

 

"... But, I will keep hanging on for my beautiful little girls that need a mother.  Prayers and hugs to you.

[[si...]]

A year ago, I thought for sure I would have written my success story by now. I wish it was today.

I don't want to discourage those that are behind me in wd.

But I have to be truthful with my experience. I also want those that have the same amount or more time in this than I do, to know that they are not alone.

I guess if you felt great and didn't have any problems with wd, you wouldn't be on this site.

 

Here's to the next year.

[[Ma...]]

Today I am one year free of benzos. I take no other medications.

 

I fear that this is going to continue to be a long road to healing.

I could talk about the symptoms that I have, but I would like to comment on the feelings that I don't have anymore, that I believe are being caused by the wd  symptoms.

I no longer have these feelings no matter how hard I have tried to get them back in the last year.

The desire to do anything that I found fulfilling in the past.

The sense of connection to people,my life,or this world we live in.

The good feeling of accomplishing a goal or a task no matter how small or how large.

The excitement of planning and going out to do something fun or looking forward to a event.

 

These are things that I believe make us human and without them life is very hard.

 

I don't want to be the old me, not that it was a bad thing. But I just want these feelings back before I die and some sense of a calm, peace of mind.

 

I know I had these feelings in the past but it is getting harder and harder to remember.

 

 

Hey Silveralpha,

 

congratulation!! 1 Year free. Wonderful. Be proud of you. What a goal and you made it.

 

While I was reading your post I thought about other posts you wrote here on the board and I must say that I found your posts quite empathic and connecting to other buddies here. Some of your words helped me a lot. Of course the inner feeling is not always the same as others feeling towards you, but I wanted to tell you this.

 

I am able to feel now again and I am sad that this has not happened to you yet but I am sure it will. I have seen people who were zombies and now are living normal lives which I had never ever thought they would be able to. I really really wish you that you can connect and feel the way you want very very fast. Perhaps you might see it as a protective function not to feel everything yet? I don't think that there is a damage in your brain or so.

If that would be nothing would have changed at all.

Don't give up and don't loose hope. I appreciated a lot of your posts silver alpha

 

[[si...]]

Thank you Marigold, You are very nice.

[[Ma...]]

Thank you Marigold, You are very nice.

 

YOU, too!!

I think the problem is that you cant feel now that you are already feeling. As I wrote, you cannot be un-emotional writing all these posts like you did.

Its that f+++ alien-like-feeling that WD gives us :ticked off:

I hope some wonderful little thing will wake your soul up soon

[[Ia...]]

If like me sleep is an issue, do your best to sleep.... I am delirious today and have to sleep tonight so it is benadryl and tea.  No sleep makes your mind say and do crazy stuff

[[si...]]

Marigold, I agree we feel to much of the wd sxs. All of the negative thoughts and pain that we try to push out of our heads.

[[Ma...]]

Marigold, I agree we feel to much of the wd sxs. All of the negative thoughts and pain that we try to push out of our heads.

 

Yes. As if we were pregnant with a very weird baby. Or parasite

I use to ask me the question "if you had less pain would you still think that...." and I feel that if you would have less pain due to the WD, there would be hope that you will be connected and happy again, soon. Right?

If this is right, you can be sure that there is hope for you..