The heartbreak begins...

[[re...]]

So I did a cut on the 27th and am feeling very unwell.

 

I had the opportunity to see my grandson on Saturday... (tomorrow) and I had to say no... that I was not feeling well.

 

It is always very hard when we enter the fall/winter season. I love fall and winter but I don't love all the expectations and pressure I feel. And this year I am already feeling quite determined to say no to this visit and no to that. And it is so hard to explain. If don't don't taper now... when?  :'(

[[Ma...]]

So I did a cut on the 27th and am feeling very unwell.

 

I had the opportunity to see my grandson on Saturday... (tomorrow) and I had to say no... that I was not feeling well.

 

It is always very hard when we enter the fall/winter season. I love fall and winter but I don't love all the expectations and pressure I feel. And this year I am already feeling quite determined to say no to this visit and no to that. And it is so hard to explain. If don't don't taper now... when?  :'(

 

 

If you keep taking the drugs it may be that your grandson will lose you sooner than it has to be.

If he gets older or now he will understand how brave you are.

Do it. As you can see in my signature - I took every drug in this earth. Now I am feeling much better!

[[re...]]

Thanks Marigold...

 

I am determined to continue my taper. That is why I feel such heartbreak. I can't take drugs to function anymore for the Holiday season. I have to say no... I am determined to say no...  And I already feel the battle... and ultimately the heartache on this holiday weekend.  :'( 

 

 

[[Ma...]]

Take a look into the post-withdrawal-board and you will see that we are all still struggling but many of us are having better times than under benzos.

 

Its a time full of tears, but what about the windows in which you might feel overwhelming love for example?

Look forward to this!!

 

Best wishes,

Marigold

[[Ge...]]

Redwoods,  is there any way you can see your grandson or other understanding family members?  There are days when there is no way I  am going to function.  Then I  have days when I can force myself to see friends or my sister and so far it always helps me.  I keep the duration of the visits to a tolerable level because I can get overwhelmed and stimulated if I push it too much.  I truly hope you feel better soon.

[[be...]]

I haven't seen my grandkids since Easter. Breaks my heart. But even though I'm really stuck at 13 or 13.5 mg right now I'm continuing my taper. I deliberately asked the kids and grandkids over for October 2nd. My signature shows a lot of drugs too plus there were more I quit and just didn't mention. Today I'd be hard pressed to see anyone but I spend my days thinking to my self about not ever taking these again. I just tell myself the 13 mgs of Valium right now is only 1.3 Ativan and mentally that helps. No matter what I'll see the kids. Try not to have the negative thoughts of tapering. I'm positive I can do this. That's what I tell myself and try not to think except in the moment. The anticipatory anxiety is a killer for me. Take it slow. I sure know how you feel about grandkids though. Got the t shirt but don't want them to believe I'm constantly ill. Eventually we will heal and be able to hug and cuddle them way more than on these drugs. I keep my hopes up no matter what. B

[[re...]]

Thanks all for the support and encouragement... 

 

The thing is... every fall, winter season I have taken  additional benzos to get through. But I'm wanting to be very firm and not do that... and in order for that not to happen I have to not participle. I can't survive mentally lots of noise and interaction in withdrawal.  I know this about myself. I don't want to drug myself in order to survive. I am at 6.5 mg diazepam and I feel the recent cut but I am going with it... And I will continue to go down. And I am going to beat this thing! But in order to do that, I need to know what triggers me to want to take additional benzos and it is my son and grandchildren and any family other than my husband. Even being out and about does me in. I can hardly do that. For the most part my days are spent in my own prison at home. It's what has to happen in order to succeed. I have been on this ride too long 

 

Thanks all!

[[ti...]]

I just started tapering last  month and already took two rescue doses. The holiday and insursnce seasons havent even started

I think i am going to he divorced by the end of this

[[be...]]

If that's what it takes redwoods then do it. I too am a prisoner pretty much in my own home so I do understand. And yes October 2nd I will feel a bit overwhelmed and that's an understatement. But I will set it up that I will not make a cut until October 3rd. I will set it up with a cut one week prior and let the cards fall as they may. I too will be thinking about 15 minutes after they arrive that it will be nice when they leave. I'm lucky though they do only stay for about an hour. Also, we have a motor home and will head south in January for 3 months. For some reason I can handle the motor home. I guess I treat it like an extra home and it's just me and my husband. Christmas will be a nightmare but who knows. I might feel ok. Anyway you have to put yourself first while withdrawing. It really is the best way. I hear you loud and clear on that.  B

[[Ge...]]

I agree. Do whatever you can to take care.  I am thinking about you tonight .  All of you for that matter.  Hugs, Gee Gee