Loneliness during tapering

[Guest [He...]]

Hi BBs!  I'm about 1/3 of the way through my slow taper and just need to hear some encouraging words from those who have made it through. Unfortunately, although my husband is supportive of my getting off benzos he is not wired to really dig in and learn about benzo w/d and what I'm going through so I really don't have anyone to keep me positive and motivated to keep going during waves. That is why I'm here and hoping for some support.  Right now, most of my mental sxs are mild but the physical ones have escalated over the last few days to the point that they are bringing me down. Basically I feel like I have the flu with anxiety and "mild" panic (if there is such a thing) thrown into the mix. This process is so frustrating!!!  Last week I had 3 days where I felt really good and then on Sat the wave came crashing in!!    I know this is normal but I am struggling with the loneliness of this process and wish there was someone I could talk to that really understands.  While most family and friends understand they can't really relate. My sister thinks that I should not be addicted to benzo after only 4.5 months use because she has been using Xanax for 10 yrs now and has never had to increase dose or reached tolerance. So, while she is supportive, she certainly cannot relate.  Unfortunately there are no support groups in my area outside of 12 step programs at addiction center and in order to be a part of the group, you need to see one of their counselors and I'm staying far away from any addiction centers and hospitals for fear of being forced into a rapid taper and use of other meds. Even my p-doc said he is surprised I'm having such a hard time tapering because I haven't been on that long. This is discouraging and frustrating!!  So I'm here looking for encouragement and acknowledgement that I'm not crazy and what I'm going through is real and that I am on the right path to recovery.

[[be...]]

Hey. Yeah it can be lonely but you're not alone. My husband is very supportive but unfortunately at times he just doesn't get it. Unless someone else is going through the same thing I'm convinced they can't possibly understand. It's not their fault so we have to just plug along and yes it becomes very lonely at times. But I see your signature and you are almost home free. In the meantime try to enjoy your windows and accept the waves as the healing process. You've been on them for a relatively short period so don't fear your cuts. I know you hurt but I think you'll do great when you're done with them. Very little post acute withdrawal if any. In the meantime there are many great people here to support and help you out. Honestly no one else can understand including doctors. Anyway, post and you will get support. It does help with being lonely too. Hang in there. Better days are ahead. B

[Guest [He...]]

Thanks for your words of support and encouragement Barb!  It really helps.  I try not to overload myself on the BB forum as sometimes I read things that scare me.    But, I do post every once in awhile just to strengthen my resolve to keep moving forward.  I only hope that the anxiety I feel during tapering is much less intense once the drug is out my system.  I'm often confused between what is w/d induced anxiety and what is anxiety I had before going on benzos.    I know I have work to do to learn how to manage stress and anxiety w/o meds but I also know that I did not feel this bad before taking Xanax.  I had a few panic attacks and insomnia but was not in jaw clenching, nauseating, DP/DR, unmotivated, anxiety all the time so I'm going on the assumption that this is benzo related.  I do not take any other meds and do not drink alcohol.  Overall, I'm in good health but I'm missing my normal ambition and drive to exercise and socialize because I feel like crap most of the time.  Sorry for venting!  Acceptance of this situation is REALLY hard for me.  Still can't believe this has happened and that my old life just disappeared in a puff of smoke 6 mos ago.  I am so desperate to be back to my normal self; the one with confidence, who loved to travel, was active, and enjoyed the company of others.  Where is she?  Inside still I hope.   

[[Ry...]]

Trust me, you're not crazy for feeling the effects of withdrawal. I'm kind of alone on this one too even though I have a few people who really get it. Unfortunately, they're in other states and chatting with someone on Skype isn't the same as having them around. My boyfriend accepts that it sucks but literally thinks that I can will away the physical w/d symptoms because one time he was cold and willed his body to warm and it worked. Literally. He told me this last night. I wanted to punch him in the face. 

 

It sucks not having direct support but know that doing this alone will have you stronger than you can ever imagine when it's all over. It's lonely and it's terrifying at times, but that's what this board is for. Or at least it's what I'm using it for.

 

Good luck and you're gonna make it through, with or without people.

[[Be...]]

There is nothing more frustrating than people suggesting that WD can be overcome through 'mind over matter' / will power / determination.

I have a very good friend who simply will not buy into what has happened to me, and clearly thinks if only I pulled myself together, this could be more easily managed.

It's damaged our friendship pretty badly I'm afraid.

I'd love to be able to throw a switch and give the sceptical 24 hours of WD.

[[Ry...]]

There is nothing more frustrating than people suggesting that WD can be overcome through 'mind over matter' / will power / determination.

I have a very good friend who simply will not buy into what has happened to me, and clearly thinks if only I pulled myself together, this could be more easily managed.

It's damaged our friendship pretty badly I'm afraid.

I'd love to be able to throw a switch and give the sceptical 24 hours of WD.

 

I pretty much said that exact thing to him. I told him he can have the w/d and "will it away" and have fun in the process. It was the worst thing he could've said to me.

[[Be...]]

There is nothing more insulting.

People in WD often go through more trauma in a day than most people will in THEIR WHOLE LIVES.

This friend of mine has been infuriatingly sceptical from the start of my long journey into hell and still clearly thinks I could just snap out of it with some effort EVEN AFTER I QUIT MY BELOVED JOB OF 18 YEARS over it!

One night when I was agonising over how I could get back to work when I was so dreadfully ill (in July while I was still holding out for a miracle) he said I should get some smart new clothes and that would give me the required 'boost'. I wanted to put him through a window.

I know he wouldn't last a day in WD.

Very demoralising :/

 

[[Ry...]]

On a positive note, it goes to show how strong we actually are even when we feel like we're crumbling.

[Guest [He...]]

Trust me, you're not crazy for feeling the effects of withdrawal. I'm kind of alone on this one too even though I have a few people who really get it. Unfortunately, they're in other states and chatting with someone on Skype isn't the same as having them around. My boyfriend accepts that it sucks but literally thinks that I can will away the physical w/d symptoms because one time he was cold and willed his body to warm and it worked. Literally. He told me this last night. I wanted to punch him in the face. 

 

It sucks not having direct support but know that doing this alone will have you stronger than you can ever imagine when it's all over. It's lonely and it's terrifying at times, but that's what this board is for. Or at least it's what I'm using it for.

 

Good luck and you're gonna make it through, with or without people.

 

Thanks for sharing this!  I know how frustrating it can be when someone clearly doesn't understand and then tries to tell you it's all in your head and you just need to put yourself out there in the world and you will be all better!  I can barely get off the couch to go to the bathroom sometimes how I can I go out to the movies or dinner with friends?  Funny but I had chemo 7 yrs ago and felt just as bad but no one told me to just get over it!  They don't seem to understand this is the same thing. Physical w/d from benzos is almost identical physically to chemo and the top it off with the mental sxs and you have a really debilitating situation.  Well, I'm glad I found BB as it has been a life saver for me. Thanks to everyone who responded. You are my life line!! 

[[Be...]]

The scale of people's suffering compared to the level of understanding / support they get is horrifying. I keep seeing people who have come through awful diseases like cancer say that WD was harder.

[[so...]]

Chemo was horrific, but at least there was an endpoint and a purpose. And after the crap days you start to feel a bit better.

 

Benzo withdrawal is an entirely different monster. Chemo makes you feel sick, but in a predictable way. Benzos make you feel sick in an unpredictable way, and you feel like you have somehow lost yourself as well.

 

The sympathy and care I got from family and friends when I was going through chemo was lovely. With the benzo problem, I am on my own. They don't understand that this is just as real.