18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[dr...]]

Well...tonight is wild salmon, escargot, and portobellos....all grilled in mid 60's weather.  I'm inviting siggy cause his story was just so entertaining to me. 

 

Sofa-all my cortisol and morning stuff just stopped recently. I didn't even notice because I was so damn happy not to have my head symptoms. Even on a subpar day like today I just felt a few palps at 5am and they passed.  That's when I realized that I haven't had them.  Also, my mid morning glutamate storm hit today and it was yucky but 1/10th of what it could be.  Keep trying to look for the things that have lessened. 

[[Si...]]

Nova, my wife has never seen the movie Halloween! That may have to be one we watch soon. I'll have to let you know when I have another entertaining dream. 

 

I agree about the loved ones not understanding. I have to tell her I come on here a lot because all of you are the only ones that REALLY understand what I'm going through. Enjoy your lovely dinner, I'll be by in a moment! 

 

I did see a story today about Muhammed Ali and it made me thankful at least that I don't have Pakinson's. I have to constantly try and make myself feel better by realizing some people have terrible diseases that will never be cured. Doesn't make the pain easier, but some perspective.

 

I took some Advil earlier because my head is hurting really bad. It now hurts almost as soon as I wake up. It maybe has taken a small bit of the edge off.

 

Hey Nova and others. Hope everyone is having as pleasant if an evening as you can.

[[Li...]]

    Had 4 days wave vary hard put me in the bed each day. Today took my son fishing been 2 years for me being in a boat, was scared and depersonalized as the trip progressed it seemed to pass some. We caught some fish brought them home and cleaned and fried some for supper. Been along time since we did that, it was good to do it and thankful I could, there has been times lots of times when I didn't thank I would ever live this long. coming to believe that we do heal, Tomorrow is another day. Will see what it brings. Thanks for support. 

[[so...]]

Drew,

 

Thank you so much for your reassurance that the cortisol adrenaline whatever eventually disappeared.  Man oh man, I cannot wait for this to go away. 

 

Love, Sofa

[[He...]]

Drew,

 

Thank you so much for your reassurance that the cortisol adrenaline whatever eventually disappeared.  Man oh man, I cannot wait for this to go away. 

 

Love, Sofa

 

Sofa,

I used to be jolted awake at 4am every morning....(what is it with that time???).  It really does go away!  I can sleep, blissfully, until my alarm goes off.  It will happen for you, too! 

HH

[[so...]]

HH,

 

Thank you so much for your comforting words.  I don't know what I would do without you.  This 4am cortisol alarm has gone off every stinking day since I started the fast taper of Gabapentin.  I think it has to do with REM sleep, or so I'm told by acute care doctor.  We supposedly go into REM stage about 3 or 4 times per night.  After the last REM cycle, we wake up, but our brains were running while we were asleep, so we awaken with a rush or jolt of cortisol.

 

I did a botched up and down taper of the Gabapentin for a month and was so sick I jumped off at 700mg.  Quit taking occasional Ativan too, after 3 mos use.  I hope I didn't land myself in protracted land because of my screwy taper and CT.  This is unbearable.  I'm still clinging on to everyone's reassurance that this eventually goes away.  Hope is all I have.

 

Thank you, Sofa

[[No...]]

Sofa ... nothing is "botched" for you ... you are healing ... there is no "optimum" way to get off the drug(s) ... we each have our own path to freedom ...

 

The whisper of "botched" is a benzo lie ... you are drug free - wow ... amazing ... you can stay drug free - a great blessing ... and you will heal - the gift you are giving yourself ...

 

One day at a time ... in the beginning, a long, long time ago, I really had no idea of what this journey would hold for me ... a Buddy once said ... we are giving ourselves "possibilities" ... even in the darkest days of our healing we are creating our life ... a life where we can be present ... a life that is not tangled up in the drug(s) ...

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... a crappy night of lousy, broken sleep ... woke up with the "big congestion" and the head pressure that feels like your face is falling off ...

 

Oh well ... another day in paradise ... at least it is not snowing, yet ... 

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Even if you have a lot of work to do, if you think of it as wonderful, and if you feel it as wonderful, it will transform into the energy of joy and fire, instead of becoming a burden.

 

TULKU THONDUP RINPOCHE

 

[[No...]]

Lately I have been feeling a lot of "this is where I started from - I am back there all over again" ... which is not true, and it is what things are feeling like today ...

 

Went for a walk ... and it felt like the walks I tried take back four or so years ago ... stressful and confusing ... and the physical stuff playing loudly ... and the narrative "you are permanently damaged" starts playing ... and again, not true, and it is what I feel like ...

 

And reassurance and encouragement is helpful and welcome ... and it feels like just another day of pushing that damn rock up the hill again just so it can roll back into position so I can do it again tomorrow ...

 

Sorry for the downer post ... and this is how I am feeling ...

[[dr...]]

good morning all...

 

Nova-just remember the window you had where it all went away.  That is PROOF that you are healing and not stuck like this.

 

I had that wonderful feeling of an eyelash or something being stuck in one of my eyes night.  Went away by morning.  Now go a bit of front pressure behind eyes.  This symptom screws me up in ways that makes it hard to concentrate and gets me boaty when I walk.  I keep reminding myself that this is temporary and I used to have this with many other shit symptoms.  I also remember the last two weeks where I woke up with no head stuff at all.  that is my future not this

[[so...]]

Nova, 

 

As usual, your words are so soothing to me.  You are right.  Everyone trudges through the muck, regardless of whether they tapered slowly or CT'd.  There doesn't seem to be any pattern that I can detect as to why some people heal before others. 

 

Bottom line:  We all heal.  Like Siggy said, we don't have an incurable disease, thank God.  We have a temporary condition that will eventually right itself with TIME.  The time goes by so slowly, which is why we torture ourselves with the "what ifs" and make this process more difficult.  The amnesia we get about the better days we have rips our focus away from the inevitability of healing.  Instead, we throw ourselves into the choking quicksand of the present moment and think we will remain in our current state.  It is simply not true.  Based on thousands of success stories, 100% healing is the logical and natural conclusion.

 

Thank you, Nova.

 

Sofa

 

 

[[Aq...]]

Well, I am still in the thick of it.  Was really horrible last night.  Nausea, extreme anxiety, dizzy, hard to breathe - feels very much like acute all over again.  Trying to push through.  Hopefully this is a shorter wave than my last ones that seem to last for weeks. 

 

Nova, your posts are really helpful.  I am right there with ya.  Thank you.

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... no let up yet today ... getting bashed around pretty hard ... mentally I am bouncing around pillar to post a bit ... nothing unusual in that ... just a lousy way of doing things right now ...

 

Back to ye olde go slow and wait out another one ... you know, this seems to get tougher to do the more times you have to do it ...

[[Si...]]

Hey Nova, don't worry about complaining to us. We ALL have been there before. You are usually one of the first ones to come in an pick someone up when they are suffering here too. So you've earned all the encouragement we can send you. When in a window you never can see how you feel so terribly in a wave, and vice versa. I think my 3 week wave from hell may be ending soon. I don't want to jinx it of course and we never want the windows to go away. Keep moving forward as best you can my friend.

[[dr...]]

ugh..my head pressure is ramping to the worst since I felt good....why is every symptom the worst when we have it?   When my business partner comes in I may leave and just work form home after that.  I hate the feeling that I "give in" to my symptoms even though there are no heroes in this.  If I can be more comfortable and work why not?  It's a weird ass pride thing with me.  I also get those fears that I will get in the habit of giving in to symptoms but time and time again that hasn't been the case.  As soon as I feel better I am out and about.  stupid benzo brain.

[[No...]]

Hi Siggy ... sure hope your wave is ending soon ... yep ... this one is messy today for me ... part exhaustion, I think ... and part just plain old stuff ... this neck stuff is making it particularly rough ... not constant pain, just jolts sometimes when I move ... sort of like sciatica of the neck ...

 

Been feeding it ibuprofen, one per day ... but I don't want to do that every day ... don't want to get into a "reliance pattern" ...

 

Oh well ... it will pass ...

[[No...]]

Hey Drew ... it is in the instruction manual ... every symptom is always the worst when we are having it ... 

[[Si...]]

Thanks Nova. Yeah this one was nearly the most brutal that I've been in. I hope that means that it was a lot of healing going on, because I don't really want to say the terrible things running through my mind.

 

Drew, I say if you can work from home and be more comfortable, do it! I occasionally have worked from home, but they really don't like it at my company for some reason. I came into work twice after not sleeping for two nights in a row. Talk about pure torture. Mind boggling. 

 

Hope you both feel better soon.

[[Li...]]

  Hang in the you guys

[[so...]]

Does anyone else get full body inner vibrations?  Like you're on a vibrating bed?

[[Te...]]

Sofa...yes....to body vibration ...mine moves around.....like my left foot...vibrated the other day for most of the day.....it's in hands......elbows....have tingling feeling all over body......oh and twiching....which I don't cope we'll with.....my fingers vibrate......

 

It's between vibrating or buzzing......

 

Burning pains too.....

 

For some reason all these symptoms have amped up in the last two months......

 

Does your whole body do it a lot? Or would you say it's short duration ?

 

Hugs! TM

[[dr...]]

No vibrations here.  Hope they don't show.

 

I got home around noon and worked from here til three.  The pressure in the front of my head is making me so boaty and weird. I handled it as well as could be expected until I got some weird sensation like there was a balloon inflating/deflating for a few seconds. Sent my health anxiety up. Meditated and calling it couch time soon. It's amazing how something different always pops up to scare me.

[[so...]]

TM,

 

Mine has happened 4 times in 11.5 months.  It lasts about 20 seconds.  What is this?

[[so...]]

Drew,

 

I'm sorry you're getting hit with the head pressure.  These symptoms scare the cr*p out of me when they just come out of nowhere.

 

Just more of the same sh*tstorm I guess.  Like any storm, they all pass.  Hang on Drew.  You're okay.

 

Love, Sofa