18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[dr...]]

Marj-when I get that it can be scary...literally I feel like can't move and even keeping my eyes open is exhausting

 

Nova-soup sounds tasty...in teh next few days I am thinking of roasting a duck.  Never coooked one before.

 

I fell asleep at 9pm.  My fiance laughs at me now.  She goes to bed around midnight.  I am at work at 7 and she around 10:30   Slept okay...no nightmares but some wakeups.  Brain a bit better but I still feel I can't handle any stressful situations.  Just sitting here at work and talking on phone is hard for my brain.  I am taking it as low and slow as I can until it relaxes again.  It was so nice feeling closer to normal for a bit.  I keep reminding myself of how much is not here anymore including those terrible morning yucks...  It is discouraging but what can I do....

 

  On the plus side I think I found a headache trigger...that half glass of red wine gave me a bad headache(think it was that).  So hard to tell but I am 2 for 2 so it gets put on my verboten list for now.  White wine and bourbon seem okay although I don't really drink right now (1-2 drinks total per week)so no biggie.

[[No...]]

Drew ... I roast them very slow ... and there are many other ways to do it ... and if you are getting a quality duck, which I would expect you to do, the fat is very useful afterwards ...

 

Funny how those triggers show up ... regarding my neck stuff, I figured out this morning that if I reach with only one arm no neck response, if I reach with two I can get the response ... and it usually only happens when I am reaching like you are putting something in the oven or taking something out of the fridge ...

 

So, I am thinking there might be something mechanical going on ... I have a physio guy who can check it out for me ...

 

Hope you have a quiet day ... I got a big flare around 730 this morning, lasted a couple of hours and has faded out ...

[[Si...]]

Hi everyone. I'm sure most people may not be interested in my progress, but it helps me track it when I write it here. I probably should have started a blog a long time ago, but never did.

 

I was almost passing out on our sofa last night. Went to get into bed and was awake. I really hate that. I eventually did fall asleep, but it took a while. Then I had a nightmare that woke me up at 5am. Some crazy kids playing with spears stabbed me in the shoulder. ugh. Was awake for a while, but managed to fall back asleep for a little bit. Then the crazy morning depression hits and is still smacking me around.

 

Glad you got some sleep drew.

[[dr...]]

I read your nightmare and busted out laughing at my desk...my brain is so fried from stress I had to stop thinking of kids stabbing you with a  :idiot:spear... I get tje crazoest shit nightmares too.

[[dr...]]

suddenly I have a maniacal laugh and can't stop....oh boy...

[[so...]]

Hey Buddies,

 

I have nightly nightmares.  Someone is always trying to kill me.

 

The other night I was crawling in and out of portholes in a ship, men chasing me, trying to stab me through the portholes.  Where does this sh*t come from?

 

Another night Tina Fey was laughing maniacally riding a dragon amusement park ride.

[[Se...]]

The maniacal laughter.  I can identify.  Sometimes I'll be sobbing, then suddenly beset with that laughter.  Kinda like that girl in the padded room from that Cars video in the 80s - "Who's Gonna Drive you Home Tonight".  Crazy, crazy stuff.  Yeah.

 

I cannot seem to get in the shower.  It's hard to stray from my bedroom, yet I have oodles of household chores awaiting me.  (Fun, fun, I know.  )  I am living in my PJs these days.  I absolutely hate it.  But the will... the motivation is just not there.  And when I push myself, as I did last night, I grow very frustrated and angry and start saying things to family members that I always regret.

 

I have been anxious and moderately depressed at times before benzos, but nothing to this degree, and nothing even remotely for this duration.  Sigh.  What else is there to do but wait it out... some more.  We will have the patience of saints after this.

[[Si...]]

Ha yeah drew, pretty wacky stuff. Glad you got a chuckle out of it. Of course I didn't feel it in my dream when I got stabbed, but I reacted like I did. Then half a second later, wide awake. At least the nightmare decided to wait until later to hit me. I'd be pretty angry if it were around 2am. I don't usually get many nightmares. I actually use to not remember dreaming before benzos. It's only been recently where I remember them.

 

Serenity, I agree, I barely had any problems before starting this garbage. Probably like most people, run of the mill anxiety and depression.

[[Te...]]

Went to dentist today ...I go every three months...due to non stop teeth pain....and upper top left gum and pressure....anyway teeth cleaning ...makes my mouth sooooooo much worse....afterwards..

And I have the head and jaw squeezing pains.....why is it ...if I bend over even just slightly....my head squeezes worse...or it feels like its feeling up with fluid or something....this is just crazy..

Went to have foot message....but didn't help with relieve any head or jaw pains....

 

Hope everyone is staying strong......

 

Hugs! TM

[[Se...]]

TM - You're so brave, going to the dentist every three months.  I went recently after a three-year hiatus.  No dental problems, thankfully, but the experience was an anxiety-provoking one.  When hygienist asked me if I'd been experiencing any issues, I told her about the all-over tooth/dental (nerve) pain and how it was due to benzos.  She said she'd never heard of that before, so we proceeded to discuss it.  She was very intrigued and after she handed me a couple trial toothpastes for sensitive teeth, began asking me all these questions.  In the end, it turned out her sister is on what she thinks is clonazepam (she said it was an anxiety med), and is having trouble with it because when she decreases her dosage, guess what?  Yeah.  So, she asked if I had any good info. that she could pass on to her sister.  I told her about Ashton and cepuk.org and stressed the importance of very slow tapering.  She wrote everything down and said she was very shocked and sorry for what had happened to me, but appreciative of the info. to pass along.  Lovely girl.

 

It's interesting... seems I'm realizing opportunities to educate people about these drugs on a one-to-one basis in my life travels these days.  A very good thing.  It always makes me feel a tiny bit better when I can do so. 

[[dr...]]

Ha yeah drew, pretty wacky stuff. Glad you got a chuckle out of it. Of course I didn't feel it in my dream when I got stabbed, but I reacted like I did. Then half a second later, wide awake. At least the nightmare decided to wait until later to hit me. I'd be pretty angry if it were around 2am. I don't usually get many nightmares. I actually use to not remember dreaming before benzos. It's only been recently where I remember them.

 

Serenity, I agree, I barely had any problems before starting this garbage. Probably like most people, run of the mill anxiety and depression.

 

Sig-i thank you for making me laugh all day!  I just keep picturing you as an actor in the movie "Lord of the Flies".  All these kids chasing you around the island with spears

[[Te...]]

Yes..my dentist office....is very nice.....they listen......they know of my  burning mouth issues...and terrible teeth pain.....especially the root canal extraction area....they go slow when cleaning which helps some...

The girl that cleans my teeth ....believes benzo might be the cause....her mother takes 6 mg of Xanax a day....for sleep issues ....her mom says it doesn't even help with sleeping anymore...and her doctor refuses to give her anymore....if she cuts dose she said she is a mess....I aslo told her about Ashton..

All I do is educate....if anyone asks...

 

How are you doing Serenity?...I feel I'm getting worse instead of better....gosh I pray...it means I'm healing....wish I'd done a slow taper everyday...

 

TM

 

 

 

 

[[so...]]

Serenity,

 

When someone asks, I take the opportunity and the time to warn others about psyche drugs also.  I figure I'm paying it forward.  If I were healed, I'd be paying it back.  Oh well.  It's all about helping each other. 

 

Do you think all our symptoms are anxiety-related?

[[Si...]]

Ha yeah drew, pretty wacky stuff. Glad you got a chuckle out of it. Of course I didn't feel it in my dream when I got stabbed, but I reacted like I did. Then half a second later, wide awake. At least the nightmare decided to wait until later to hit me. I'd be pretty angry if it were around 2am. I don't usually get many nightmares. I actually use to not remember dreaming before benzos. It's only been recently where I remember them.

 

Serenity, I agree, I barely had any problems before starting this garbage. Probably like most people, run of the mill anxiety and depression.

 

Sig-i thank you for making me laugh all day!  I just keep picturing you as an actor in the movie "Lord of the Flies".  All these kids chasing you around the island with spears

 

You're welcome! I read that book way back when I was in high school. Hoping tonight has more pleasant dreams.

[[dr...]]

Maybe you'll  be one of the teenage girls in the movie Halloween...okay...okay...i'll stop

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... regarding the anxiety issue ... and perhaps many of the issues related to recovery ... and these are just my reflections ...

 

It is possible that many of these things are connected to our stress response ... and here stress is not a "negative" thing ... it is a response to stimulus ... any stimulus ... whether it is a lion chasing us or someone smiles at us, and everything in between ...

 

One way of looking at the stress response is "hey, something is happening - what do I do" ... and as we know, many of the responses are instantaneous ... and with many of the pathways in our brains being messed up right now our "responses" can also be unexpected, not the way we have responded in the past to similar situations, and quite "foreign" to us ...

 

And because we are recovering from what could be said to be a brain illness our responses can be confusing to us ... and sometimes make no sense at all ...

 

I feel there is probably not much we can do "directly" to mitigate our stress response while we are healing ... we can be aware of the confusing nature of our stress response while we are healing ... and we can trust that all will return to normal when things get straightened out ...

 

This is another one of the many possible symptoms that may show up during this healing process ... what we can do is have compassion for ourselves, recognize when our response is "over the top" or inappropriate to the stimulus that occurs, and carry on as best we can knowing that things will eventually settle down ...

[[Se...]]

TM, I thought I was getting better around month 13.  One night, I realized I'd been feeling pretty "human" again for a few weeks, even though I still had symptoms, and I entertained beginning to draft a success story!  Well... that window has since closed, and for the past couple of weeks it's been quite bad again, with some very odd acute symptoms rearing again.  You know... the usual crap.  I've been bedroom-bound for pretty much the last three days.

 

I'm so sorry to hear you're still in a bad way this far out.  Have you experienced any windows in your recovery at all?

[[Se...]]

Hi Folks ... regarding the anxiety issue ... and perhaps many of the issues related to recovery ... and these are just my reflections ...

 

It is possible that many of these things are connected to our stress response ... and here stress is not a "negative" thing ... it is a response to stimulus ... any stimulus ... whether it is a lion chasing us or someone smiles at us, and everything in between ...

 

One way of looking at the stress response is "hey, something is happening - what do I do" ... and as we know, many of the responses are instantaneous ... and with many of the pathways in our brains being messed up right now our "responses" can also be unexpected, not the way we have responded in the past to similar situations, and quite "foreign" to us ...

 

And because we are recovering from what could be said to be a brain illness our responses can be confusing to us ... and sometimes make no sense at all ...

 

I feel there is probably not much we can do "directly" to mitigate our stress response while we are healing ... we can be aware of the confusing nature of our stress response while we are healing ... and we can trust that all will return to normal when things get straightened out ...

 

This is another one of the many possible symptoms that may show up during this healing process ... what we can do is have compassion for ourselves, recognize when our response is "over the top" or inappropriate to the stimulus that occurs, and carry on as best we can knowing that things will eventually settle down ...

 

I like this explanation, Nova.  Yes.  We are no doubt experiencing an amplified stress response that is physiological... due to injury of some type.  Like you say, we can have compassion for ourselves, not beat ourselves up, and carry on as best we can while the healing is still occurring.

 

I will say that as clarity begins to return (esp. in windows), I can now pretty much tell which part of me is running the show... whether it is the lower, limbic "me" or the higher, neocortex "me"... and can begin to tell that lower, limbic me to go take a polite hike when it starts getting too bossy.  Not every day, of course, but sometimes.  More and more.

 

[[No...]]

SerenityNow ... yes ... and perhaps part of our compassion can be "not blaming ourselves" ... acknowledging what may be happening ... and just quietly moving on ...

 

Seems so much of this is simply a patience game ... and there is nothing simple about it ... living this process for a few months is one thing ... living it some a year or two is another ... and living it for longer is another thing again ...

 

Acknowledging/accepting we are sick ... and getting through the day as best we can ...

[[dr...]]

I agree with what you wrote nova. My response is all screwed up right now. I have compassion for myself it's the rest of the world including those closest to me who decide when it's enough for them. It's in a "joking" remark about my invisible illness or something like that.  These are the people closest to me who really car so I can imagine what others think.  Almost everyone around me has compassion fatigue or feels helpless so they all react weird. Also, most are disturbed by how I spend time on here. "Stupid site, friends, bad influence, etc.... I know this is a familiar story. It all comes back to no validation from the medical community.  They screwed us up and hung us out to dry. 

[[so...]]

Nova and Serenity,

 

You are very wise owls.  When the constant anxiety and hyper-vigilance goes away, I know I'll be done.  I'm sure it's the last thing.  Everything I have is related to my CNS in overdrive.

 

I get anxious about being bored for crying out loud!

 

Heal!  Heal!  Heal!  Heal!  Heal!

[[so...]]

Drew,

 

You are right about family not understanding what we're going through and I also get lectured about going on this forum all the time.  They don't understand how lonely it is to feel so lousy and, as a result, detached from the world.  We put on pretty good masks and so they don't realize how truly awful we feel.

 

Today was a moderate day.  I only begged God to take me for about an hour.  That's improvement!

[[No...]]

Drew ... yes ... and ... ultimately, this is my process ... my life ... I will make the decisions ... I will take responsibility for my healing ...

 

That said ... yes I know those around me have been dragged through this muck along with me too many times ... and there is little or no validation for our process out there ...

 

And ... the only way I will get to the other side is to maintain my focus on the goal ... live one day at a time as best I can ... hear what others may have to say ... and carry on as I see fit ...

 

No one else can fix this for me ... I cannot even fix it for myself ...

 

Finally, only I know what a place of reassurance and acceptance BB has been for me ... day in and day out ... others do not have to understand ... during my healing I cannot be all things to all people ... my focus is on being there for myself ...

 

We need to be proud of what we are accomplishing ... proud of our steadfastness ... proud of our endurance ...

[[No...]]

Sofa ... you are not alone with this one ... "I get anxious about being bored for crying out loud!" ...

 

Oh well ... tomorrow is another day ... 

[[so...]]

Thanks, Nova.  I keep reading the success stories over and over again.  I have to hold onto the happy endings to all this suffering.

 

Every morning at 4am when I wake up with the cortisol surging, I know I'm in it yet another day.  The grind of this process is rusty and brutal.  I cry every single day, but it doesn't last as long as it used to.  I just need to know this isn't a life sentence, that's all.

 

Thank you everyone for your friendship.

 

Love, Sofa