18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[Si...]]

Homemade chicken soup with dumplings ...

 

Been a yucky day again ... had two walks ... and they were not easy ... just hanging on and hanging out ...

 

Not feeling well ... so ... put in enough hours to be able to put another day in the books ...

 

We will get through these days ... one at a time ... 

 

That's what we had on Monday! Well it was really Southern (US) style chicken and dumplings. It's a bit thick the way we make it. Sorry you're not feeling well. I'm feeling really pretty terrible this past week. Mostly the insomnia and depression that comes with it. Was doing fairly well before that for a few weeks. Had a few waves, but the insomnia wasn't ramping up much past once a week or so. Now it's hitting me again every other day. I just got my calendar that I've been keeping out and reviewed it. Originally I was just marking days with little to no sleep as a zero and then others as a good day no matter how much sleep I got over 2 hours. Beginning in July I started to record actual hours per day. Back in April I only had 2 sleepless days the whole month, but in May I had 11!

[[Mi...]]

Homemade chicken soup sounds yummy!  I just may have to spend the day in the kitchen tomorrow!

I love soups especially this time of year in Minnesota!  Fell asleep with the window open last night! Lol, could see my breath this morning!  In my bedroom brrrrrr! 

I think I am packing up as soon as I get well!  And my high school son graduates!    I really love our seasons and summer time is beautiful with all the lakes! But this winter coming, forget it!  I have never seen the ocean so I think that's where I will be headed first! 

 

I am fuzzy today!  Ugh.....    I truly thought I was out of this head stuff!  Haven't had it since July/ August!  Starting slowly to feel stoned again! I really hate this!  But normally when this hits big everything else goes away!  So I guess I am back to hot tea the couch and watching the birds! Oh well it could be worse right?..  ???

 

:smitten:

[[Ko...]]

Hi 18-30 month Buddies,

 

Just spent 2 hrs reading all your posts.  I find it reassuring. You all sound so positive even though you're suffering so much. It's good to hear some of you are feeling a little better. I'm sorry that some w ho were feeling better have now been hit with another wave. W/D is so unpredictable and so damn miserable.  The only thing we know for sure is that we all will eventually heal.

 

I'm in the middle of my 23rd month. So thought I'd be a little better by now. I've gone into another acute phase. My lower legs were burning so much I thought they were on fire. This lasted for 3 days.

On top of that I had full body Akathesia where I couldn't sit or stand still. It felt like my nerves were all firing at the same time. That lasted about 8 hrs. I'd say this week has been the worst ever for me.

I finally have a little relief tonight or I should say morning. The burning is mostly gone.  Still having difficulty walking with weak legs and boatiness. Looking forward to seeing some better days soon.

 

Thanks to all of you for your posts. They really help me to keep going.

[[Si...]]

Yep feel like crap again today. I slept last night, but not very well. Very broken and not deep.

[[Co...]]

Good Morning ... this is indeed a goofy ride for me ... got slammed most of yesterday, fell asleep for a couple of hours in the evening, woke up totally "poisoned", and then, everything dropped away over half an hour ... watched tv for a couple of hours, went back to sleep ...

 

Woke up after some more sleep back in the soup ... sitting here now almost laughing ... there certainly are "levels" to this suffering for me ...

 

I am beginning to understand that little statue of the laughing Buddha ... that pot-bellied guy sitting there, cross-legged, laughing ...

 

Hmmm ... or maybe I am a little ways around the bend this morning ... doesn't matter ... better than staring up out of a rabbit hole ... 

 

.......Nova....so sorry....right there with you.  I have been right at 85% for weeks....doing things.  living my life with a few random lingering sx.....this morning....a panic....full on panic with shakes,palps, dizziness and  feeling like ' I am dying'....residual physical and mental anxiety...sidelined to bed with hot pack. It is beginning to burn out, but damn... I haven't had one of these for such a long time. . 

      Nova....I am so sorry that you are doing the w/d dance again after your long days of windows. ....I have been lurking from time to time on the thread  and you are , as always, so 'it is what it is until it isnt'..  I am once again following your posts for encouragement and finding my zen....

      Wishing you better days and windows again.....coop

 

[[Si...]]

Hi Coop, Sorry you got hit this morning, but at least is seems to be petering out soon.

 

I've been in one of the most terrible waves the last week and a half. It's really really getting to me. I have an MD appt. shortly. He put me on Vit D supplement a few months ago and needs to recheck the blood levels. Not sure what else I should ask him? Wishing there was something to take this excruciating pain away. I'm not doing well lately. 

[[Co...]]

Sofa and Sig.  I think Jen is right... if you didn't have it before w/d , it is most likely going to heal. 

      I personally think anxiety and depression are 2 sides of the same coin and that there is a lot of interplay between the 2.  Sofa, 20/21 months is so great.  I have read several success stories in which people heal completely but have random brief relapses. I am not ready to write a success story ( especially today), but at 23 months I am at a consistent 85%  I can still get bouts of anxiety and hours of d/r from time to time...they play off of each other or stand alone.  I am convinced that eventually it will clear up for us and we will return to our lives as they were..  coop

[[Co...]]

Sig,....so sorry ..a week.and a half feels like forever after you have had some sustained enduring improvement. How much D does your doc have you on. A few years ago my pdoc put me on 10,000 iu a day.....it made me sick.  It takes alot of D to be toxic, but you can get sick from too much. Your doc should look at your calcium as well as your D

    Sig, I hope you feel better....these last few months of healing seem tough because we are so close but still getting hit sometimes.  Good luck at the doc.  coop

[[Co...]]

Hi Everyone,

Well, this late wave has not let up yet and I'm dealing with chest, neck, and head pressure.  I hate "the squeezes" with a passion!  I've had the chest and head pressure before, but the neck thing is something new.  This go-round has caused my old health anxiety to rear up, and I have been finding myself taking my pulse just to see if it is acting normally.  It's not fun to have had a respite for a significant period of time and then have a late wave pop up, but it is what it is.  Dusting off my coping strategies as best I can to ride this out until it passes....which I know it will.  As Nova pointed out, we simply reload for tomorrow.

 

I wonder how long the occasional wave will randomly pop up.  This one has been up and down for about 2 weeks.  I keep trying to remind myself that I DO know how to get through these.

 

Lots of love and healing sent your way!

HH

 

 

 

    How are you doing now HH? ..  I seem to be experiencing the same  ig drop back into sx after guite a long time of hovering between 85%-95% with some very nice Effortless Mind days.  Yep, discouraging and a little scary....wondering if I can get hit this hard ( full blown panic with lasting residual anxiety and sidelined to bed....haven't been sidelined to bed for months). .....So just wondering if things have come back to normal for you.  I really hope so..  thinking of you.  coop

[[No...]]

Korbe .. your better days are coming ... you show so much fortitude staying with this process ... it will settle down for you ...

 

I complete 2 years dancing with this dragon on the 23 ... so we are very close time wise ... and we will get out of this ... I promise ... 

[[...]]

Coop, good to hear from you, so sorry you are in the dumpster. You will get out again soon though, I'm sure of it. Look how far you have come now. Your brain is doing some more fine tuning and releasing the  final dregs of the evilness of benzos. It's all just so exhausting and here we are trying to get on with our lives with this 'thing' lurking in the shadows, waiting for us to let our guard down. I had a better day today after a horrid week so far in which I have cried a ridiculous amount. I have been busy, maybe too busy, parents evening after work, which I must say I am incredibly proud of my boy. Prepared dinner then went to pick my daughter up from station. She was talking ten to the dozen and I suddenly felt a panic come over me. I'm just telling myself it's my brain just adjusting. I think I have become better at not giving these feelings as much attention and have come to realize they will pass, which they will. This surely has to be a fantastic skill to cope with our future lives. It must be hard to feel consistently better, waiting to be completed only to be caught out again. Coop, you have dealt with 1000x worse and have come through. This is just the beast petering out, as it is so weak now. Nearly there 

[[No...]]

Well ... the adventure continues ... went to my doc the beginning of the week ... I felt there might be something going on ... I was concerned with how long this cough and congestion stuff had been going on and wondered if there was any connection with the neck stuff and the right side head pressure ... you know, maybe something other than this drug process ...

 

Was told, well you know you look okay and your lungs sound okay and well, if it gets worse come back and see me ... very satisfying consult ... 

 

Went to a walk in clinic this morning ... the inside of my right ear is inflamed ... my neck is a bit swollen and the nodes under my jaw are swollen and my lungs sound a little packed ... got a chest x-ray and that was pretty much alright ... seems I probably have some sort of upper respiratory  infection that has been lingering for a while ... and the exhaustion I have been feeling is probably connected as well ... no fever ...

 

Hmmm ... like this is not serious ... but, I have brought it up for several months with my doc ... what is the matter with some of these people? ...

 

Anyway ... need to do some antibiotics for a few days ... should clear things up ...

 

Onward ...

 

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Marj....you are such a kind person. I am very glad to hear that you have arrived at that place of being able to realize that you have been in that panic place thousands of times and it passed. It doesn't make the panic easier, but it really helps to keep it from escalating into that 'second fear' that Baylissa talks about in her book. That ability to say to myself " I have been here a million times, I did not die...I got through it and it passed"....that was probably the first thing that signaled a turning towards a better phase of healing. You have had a long stretch of sitting in 'sx all the time with a chance of a sunbreak'....soon that will evolve to ' reliable improvement with a chance of sx'....You are doing such a fantastic job of holding your life....and your kids' lives together through such a terrible process.  You are getting so far out there... you are close to a step up in improvements.  Hope the crying becomes less ... but it really helps.  Wishing you some laughing and smiling times.....coop

 

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... yep ... up and down, round and round ... they just keep playing our song ... maybe we could unplug the speakers ... 

[[so...]]

Thank you Buddies for the reassurance,

 

Reassurance.  I'm going to have that tattooed on my butt.

 

Love, Sofa

[[Si...]]

Just wow! 

 

So the MD I went to knows my whole back story about the benzo thing and how my sleep is so wrecked. Told him I was still not sleeping very good. He suggested I take Ambien! Wtf? Then of course I tried to talk to him about benzo recovery and how the z-drugs are pretty much similar to benzos. He wasn't having it. And he totally argued with me about withdrawal lasting very long. He said "Doctors don't know everything, but we study this stuff a lot. There are no papers on what you are talking about." I said just do a quick Google search. He sAid he had before. I asked him how in the hell I have all these crazy problems now that I NEVER had before taking this shit. He didn't really have an answer other than sleeplessness can cause issues. Ok when the hell would insomnia cause tinnitus and burning skin? Muscle twitches etc.? How do doctors still not know about this stuff? He literally said that you can't trust what other people say about something. I said there are a lot of people going through this. Makes me so angry. He did write a script for Amytriptaline, which I'm very hesitant to even try. I'm so desparate for relief. Why does everyone thing we're crazy and making this all up?

 

Sorry for the rant. I can't remember the amount of Vit D they prescribed. I think it's something like 20k iu's. They too the blood work today since I've taken one every two weeks for three months. Said the goal is to at least get me in the 30's up from the mid 20's.

[[Co...]]

Hey Nova,....what the heck is with these long lingering late physical sx?.  Totally wierd.  I am still getting the tight neck and shoulders too....now leg pain at night....I know....you go in for the same sx over months and the advice is... if it gets worse come back in....I don't want it to get worse, that's why I am here now...duh..  Glad you went in and I hope the antibiotic helps clear it up....yep.  back and forth...we could have rowed this boat over every sea and ocean by now.

      Yep, onward.  ...coop

[[Co...]]

Korbe, we are close in our timelines. I will hit 2 years on Nov 3....meaning at the end of Nov I will have completed 24 months.If it's any consolation I hit what I called Acute 3 in months 16/17-20/21.  It was exactly like acute . After it lifted my baseline went up alot and stayed at a pretty steady 85% with some good windows and Effortless Mind days. ...

....You are close Korbe and I am glad to hear that the burning legs is fading out...hold on Korbe.....you are going to get to the end of this....coop

[[Te...]]

Nova.....glad you went to doctors.....I hope the antibotic.....clears up the infection..

 

Coop it's nice to hear from you.....you sound up beat....you give me hope......

 

Update....I slept better last night....and my tingling...prickly...feelings has slowed down quite a bit....if I could get the twitches...and mouth issue to give me a break....oh and the tight muscles.....yuck

 

Everyone have a great evening....

TM

[[Co...]]

Sig....rant on buddy..  we're listening...

    Most doctors just don't this at all....just keep doing what you are doing even if he doesn't believe you.

      Be careful with the amytriptaline... it is a tricyclic and old drug used for depression but in lower doses used for other things. In acute I took hydroxzine for about a week. It helped. It is an antihistamine ....easy to discontinue when you don't want to take it anymore....

    Sig, I am so sorry you can't sleep....hope your D comes back ok... ...don't worry about your doc....you know what's true..  just keep moving forward....Green had goid luck with Unisom...have you tried that? . I am sure, like you said, you have tried every otc sleep aide known to man. Hydroxzine is a prescription drug but not a risky one I don't think...

    Wishing you better healing.....coop

[[Si...]]

Thanks coop. Yes I tried hydroxyzine early on and tolerated it well. My biggest problem is that antihistamines make me hyper, which is the opposite of what I need. I'm in such a dark depressed state now I'm not sure if I should go on a A/D or not? I was really really really trying to avoid any psych meds. My wife is super worried about me of course. I'm worried about me too. I've never been suicidal until recently. I just feel like it's going to go on forever. Especially the sleep problems just ruin me. I could cope all of this better if I could just sleep normally. I don't know how much more staying up all night over and over and having to still go to work etc I can do. I'm sorry everyone for talking like this. I just feel so unbelievably powerless with this. I feel like almost all the joy in my life I'd gone. Can't sleep. Can't eat or drink what I want. Feel terrible all the time. I just need some ray of light that this will end.

[[Co...]]

Ohhh....Sig... so sorry....the dark days seem a Hu deed years long.., .of course when it is that dark you have to do whatever you need to do to keep your feet on this earth. You have to have some pleasure and joy along the way... or what are we doing this for. Amitryptoline is at least an old drug ...maybe safer (?).....I truly hope you catch a breath here pretty soon.

    Thinking of you Sig....really really wishing you a sunbreak.. 

                coop

[[No...]]

Siggy ... you could refer anyone who is interested to "Mad In America" ... all the studies and papers are there ...

 

Benzos, ADs, and anti-psychotics ... all the background anyone could wish for ...

 

My response to folks who say they have studied this stuff is to ask "who wrote your textbook" or "who wrote the paper your read" ...

 

Sorry your are in this dark place ... an AD may or may not help ... I can say the science shows they are no more effective than placebo long term ... and they can cause many of the same issues as benzos long term ...

 

Short term they may help you get through this time ... and the placebo effect of using them short term may also help ... the sense of helplessness that can overcome us during this process is a hard nut to crack ...

 

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... I seem to be someone who is kind of prone to low grade infections from time to time ... have had a few most of my life ... they usually go away fairly quickly when they show up ... just part of my nature I guess ...

 

And ... I am probably pretty worn down ... I have been at this process for over four years now ... not surprising something has to bend a little now and then ...

 

What gets my goat is not being heard ... and responded to with some sort of compassion ... oh well ...

[[No...]]

Sofa ... the only issue with derriere tattoos is that you have to sit on a mirror to "read" them ...