18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[so...]]

Thank you so much for talking to me, HH, especially with what you've been through today.

 

Vitamin C used to rev me up, so I only tried it 2 times, I think in month 6 of withdrawal, which was horrific anyway.

 

I will try it again.  Do you recommend a particular brand?  I have Ester C timed release.  Maybe that's the wrong kind.  Please let me know a good brand.

 

HH, I'm so sorry you had to butt heads with the panic beast.  You've got this, HH.  No relapse.  Just a few more cobwebs left.  Weird and disheartening how we have to deal with crap that comes out of nowhere.  Baylissa said she was completely healed at 26 months and I'll bet she had a few dust bunnies to pick up at the end too. 

 

Don't be discouraged.  You're not falling into the rabbit hole, just wiping up a few leftover tidbits from your wild ride.

 

Love, Sofa

[[He...]]

Thanks, sweet Sofa! Now that it's mostly passed, with the exception of the yuck that always hangs around for me after a panic attack for at least a day, I realize that today was not as bad as it used to be. It just felt awful because I haven't felt like that for a good while. Amazing how it used to be that way, and worse, every day. Hooray for healing!

 

I would drink a packet of Emergen-C and it helped quite a bit. Everything revved me horribly early on, but after I passed a year or so the vitamin C seemed to lower, and even stop, my panic.

 

I hope this anxiety leaves you quickly and you are able to sleep tonight! 

 

[[Mi...]]

Sofa,

 

I don't know if you saw my post from last Friday!  I don't know how to quote and my kiddos are sleeping!  Lol! At 34 you would think I would be more computer savy!

 

Anyways I am so sorry!  Other than the anxiety/panic, this throat thing is the absolute worse!  Long story short I finally worked up the courage to see a ENT!  He scoped my throat!  Said it was perfect no cancer, growths, or anything!  He went to write me a script I am sure a relaxer of some sort! So I came clean about the benzos!  He was the oldest doc I ever have seen practicing!  He said well then you certainly don't want to go down that road again and kindly put his script pad away!  He took my hand and said he knew it was my muscles contracting in my throat as I was symptom matic at the time of the scope!  He swore in all his years he has never had a patients throat actually close from this And if I were the one in a million that it did happen to, it would cause me to faint or pass out and at that very moment all the muscles would relax and my air way would reopen immediately!  So that would truly be the very worse case senerio! 

 

I know it's so scary as I have been circling with the anxiety, gut, and throat for awhile now!  My last 3 big sx!  Fingers crossed!  And it's the absolute worst!

 

You will be ok!   

[[Mi...]]

Healing Hope,  I had a attack again this past Saturday and yes it sucks!  But like you said we have been through the worst of it and survived!  Try not to let it get you down!

 

 

[[dr...]]

Hi all....almost having a symptom free night. Off to read in bed.  Hope his continues. Nite

[[dr...]]

Oh...HH...a panic attack always sets me back for a day or so.  It's that feeling of confidence loss. You'll be back to healed self in no time. Sorry it hit you though.

[[He...]]

Healing Hope,  I had a attack again this past Saturday and yes it sucks!  But like you said we have been through the worst of it and survived!  Try not to let it get you down!

 

 

 

Thanks Jen! I'm sure trying to muster up my coping skills that used to do the trick. It seems I've gotten a bit lax in my ability to stoically move forward after being wrung through the wringer.

 

Thank goodness tomorrow is another day! I'm hoping for a restful night. My sleep hasn't been a problem for a long time, but this panic today has left me feeling pretty awful.

[[He...]]

Oh...HH...a panic attack always sets me back for a day or so.  It's that feeling of confidence loss. You'll be back to healed self in no time. Sorry it hit you though.

 

Hi Drew,

Does it set you back for a bit? That's good to know.  I'm still not back to normal and it's been 8 hours now. I'm still feeling like I have pins and needles under my skin and almost on the verge of tears. I'm worried about sleeping tonight in a way I haven't for many, many, many months. Ugh...

[[dr...]]

Yes...I had one yesterday and I was still in my thoughts until about lunch today.  It's that vulnerable and fragile feeling coming back to put doubt and fear in our brains. Also, you have adrenaline still in your system thus the symptoms.  It will definitely fade.

[[He...]]

Thanks, Drew. I'm sorry to hear you had one yesterday! Do you ever get chills after yours? I'm laying here, hoping to sleep, and keep getting chills. Actual goosebumps on my legs. I just feel beat up....as you said, very vulnerable and fragile.

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... still in the soup ... did get a couple of hours sleep ... also had a computer issue last evening which did not help my stress response thingie ...

 

Thought I would post this little ramble ... it may be helpful ...

 

How do I get through a stormy day, or week, or month, or year ...

 

The first thing that comes to mind is I have a resource that I trust ... and this resource helps me to stay out of the doubt rabbit hole, when I am willing to do so ... and sometimes I am not so willing and I go down for a visit ... and there is never anything new there or anything helpful ... just thought I would check anyway ...

 

The source I trust unconditionally is the website "Mad In America" ... Robert Whitaker and company ...

 

Some of the things I have learned there ...

 

1.  so far there is no evidence of permanent damage from benzo use if you come off the drug and take the time to heal ... and for me, until someone finds convincing evidence otherwise that is what I am going with ... the folks on that site know their stuff ... and can analyze the evidence and report on it honestly ... there is a tremendous amount of information made available on that site ... and I trust it ...

 

2.  and ... so far there is no evidence for permanent damage from the use of antidepressants and antipsychotics ... the jury is still out ... folks are still looking ...

 

3.  we know why these drugs cause problems ... and we know that healing from their use is possible ... for everyone ... and we know some of the effects of continued use of these drugs ...

 

Some of the things I have learned from BB ...

 

1.  BB is a marvelous and precious "community" resource ... and everyone is welcome there as long as they practice the decorum required by the site ...

 

2.  all communities are messy ... that is the nature of the beast ... most folks do not like to do housework ...

 

3.  communities can be overwhelming until one finds their way around ... and perhaps finds a niche or two where they find unconditional support and reassurance ...

 

4.  everyone posting on the site has an issue with psychotropic drugs ... an evolving, ongoing issue ...

 

5.  we are all unique ... we all have a story to share ... and your story is not my story, and my story is not your story ... and we can share stories ... and there are boundaries to be maintained ...

 

So ... I have two threads I try to stay connected with ... the evidence and the stories ... one does inform the other and vice versa ...

 

How I try to live and how I try to tell my story is informed by the evidence ... and I am seeing more and more that those gathering the evidence are listening to our stories ...

 

What I have learned about our experience this healing process ...

 

1.  this healing is not linear ... I do not have a broken leg ... I do not have a disease that follows a known healing path ... the best descriptor I have heard is that it is like a spiral ... an ascending spiral that gets larger and larger as healing progresses ...

 

2.  the knowledge we have about this healing path is contained in our stories ... science, as such, is not yet helpful in any significant way ...

 

3.  for me, this healing path is likely best supported by our knowledge of the old ways of healing ... Time and letting our bodies do their thing ...

 

Hope this is a bit helpful ...

 

 

[[ja...]]

Very helpful Nova, thank you for posting this. I have resolved in my mind not to try and figure this healing process out anymore, that seems to only lead to more anxiety for me. After being at this for so long now I am learning that time is key. To think I had a Psychiatrist want to take me off in 3 days and say I would be better right away just blows my mind. I can't believe how very few doctors don't  understand how bad this can be for some, I guess we are the minority. Anyway today is going to be an awesome day!!!

 

Love Jackie :smitten:

[[Mi...]]

Beautiful post Nova!   

 

Today is definitely not the worst day I have had throughout this Journey!  But trying to find the fuel needed to maintain being a living breathing some what functional  person! For the rest of this ride how ever long that will be!  I am finding it quite hard the past two days to stay a float during this waviness I have been experiencing since Saturday!  Idk, I want to just crawl under the covers hang up a sign that say due not disturb until I am well!  And in all honesty if it weren't for my hubby and kiddos that's exactly what I would do! Put a mini fridge in my room order groceries and just call it quits for the remainder of my sentence!  I am so sick of the doubt I get! The ones that say, "it can't be the WDs just go get some meds and you will be able to function again".  I want to scream out loud and jump up and down!  I used to take my kiddos on mini vacations solo over there school breaks while hubby was working! I used to have one goal in life One thing on the bucket list, travel see the world!  I used to jump in the car on a Friday and drive see where the road would take me, maybe go through a state or two!  I used to be ok before the meds and you are really suggesting I take more??? 

 

I experienced heart burn for the very first time 5 years ago and it scared the shit out of me!  I really thought I maybe was on the verge of a heart attack!  I calmly walked in to the ER and said I was experiencing some chest pains and boom!  After a 5 minute exam I was diagnosed with Anxiety disorder! Never had I ever experienced a panic attack or any kind of emotions that stopped me from living life! Never experienced depression! Sure I had become more cautious after having my children!  I no longer wanted to sky dive!  When my kiddos were real sick I would stay up all night and watch them sleep ect.......    But, isn't this normal parent hood stuff?  Who am I to argue with a educated ER doctor?  So I swallowed my first benzo! And I will admit I felt pretty darn great!  Huh, maybe they are right?    Omg, how that 1/2 hour changed my life!  Went to the doc for a follow up!  Another 5 minute conversation no warning no nothing! They were given to me like CANDY, ....  It's my fault no one force feed me but I never abused them took daily exactly how they were prescribed!  A year went by and weird weird things started to happen! I started having real anxiety experienced a real panic attack!  I started to lose my mind! I started working less not wanting to leave the house! Omg, They were right I do have problems!  So I started higher doses and they added buspar!  I was ok again for awhile!  Again thinking they were right omg I am not ok!  Then bad again so they added a SsRi to the mix!  Finally my sister saw me have a melt down!  I had hid what was happening from everyone pretty well until I couldn't anymore!  I thought for sure if they new how bad I was they would admit me and I would spend the rest of my life in a jump suit and rubber room! No one told me about tolerance, just kept adding and adding! My mind kept spiraling it was to the point I no longer knew if the sky was really blue, purple,it could have been yellow!  My sister said you can't see this right now but you haven't been well for a long time!  Ever since the pills! In one of my melt downs I gave them to her and she flushed them and said you are the strongest person I have ever known and you are fine! It's these damn pills!  Well that almost killed me!  As did the ER doc who tapered me in three days!  Then I found myself the next day in a shrinks office who explained the ER docs good intention but his tapper plan was not long enough I surly would need a 8 wk tapper!  Yep 8 weeks! Dry cut!  And then she was actually surprised that I spent 6 weeks in my closet! 

 

Well 2 years later and I am so not fine!  And now I am plagued by this anxiety that cripples me! Forget the road trip or work! Some days I can't even make it through a grocery store!  And I just pray that God gives me the strength not to completely come un glued next time someone says, just go get a script you will be fine! 

 

And for anyone out there wondering if it's really just you? Is this WD? Are the doctors right?  As I was before writing this post!  Hold on strong to your intuition!  Keep fighting those doubts! It's the poison we were all on! 

 

Wow well that was quite the rant sorry!  But it does feel better now! I think I may have needed to write this post for me!

 

I truly hope everyone is having a ok day

 

And I truly hope tonight at my daughters bday party no one in my family suggests I go see a doctor for a script or say, I know what your going through! I used to get a little nervous before I learned yoga ect......    Because I am hanging on by a very small thin piece of thread!   

[[dr...]]

Miss Jen...I read your post I am filled with sadness...nothing you wrote per se...just all the stories we have and what has been taken away from us.  THere really are no photos or such to put a human face on all the suffering here.  I know on another thread we all posted photos of ourselves to humanize us to each other and the world who may be reading our posts.  I am not ashamed, it was not my fault, we didn't do anything wrong and the same goes for you.  We trusted our dr.s  that is our only mistake we know know and almost everyone of them has abandoned us to being crazy

[[Mi...]]

Thanks Drew! The picture thing sounds really cool! 

I  actually thought last Friday was it! I hadn't felt normal like I did Friday in years! And I had never gotten to the 100% mental window like that!  And it came crashing down on me Saturday!

I guess I am not dealing well with it! I had forgotten what normal was like! It's like I met myself for the first time in years! Through out this whole journey anger hasn't been a emotion of mine!  Scared, worried took up the whole darn space! And I have never been a angry person Never!  But boy am I mtg this new emotion!  Yesterday I stated down the mtg anger path! I started in with the anxiety and worry! And then I meet the angry me I guess! Lol!  I put my shoes on and ran and ran and ran around the lake!  Haven't been able to do that in years either! But I couldn't stop! I must have ran miles! Idk maybe this is a emotion I need to meet for awhile!   

 

[[dr...]]

My Wheel of Misfortune landed on better sleep this week.  It's the polar opposite of Bankrupt on the wheel.  I wake up at 3 for a bit but last night I slept from 10:30 until 6:30...mind you several wakeups from nightmares included.  Had another zombie nightmare last night    I think you should get a free spin and try and land on Tranquility instead of Anger

[[Mi...]]

Tranquility, that sounds like a much better place!  Zombie nightmares huh? So you wouldn't have had fun this past wknd at the haunted zombie corn maze huh?.  I know what you mean though! One of my hubby's favorite TV series is back on this month. It never used to bother me but I find the violence in it to really aggravate me!  I am glade you have found some sleep!  That is one thing I am grateful for! I usually always sleep through the night now and it's a 50/50 shot if I wake up in a panic or not but it's SLOWLY.....  getting there!    And you will get there Drew!  I am off to pick my daughter up early from school as we have a special bday lunch date! And, I am bound and determined to make it throughout her special day!  So wish me luck please I am going to need the good vibes

 

 

[[so...]]

Hi Buddies,

 

All I can say is thank you thank you thank you, Nova, Jen, Drew.  Bless your hearts, all of you.  I need you by my side during this, locking arms, swaying to and fro, sometimes more fro than to, fall over, get back up, dosey doe.  What a square dance.

[[Mi...]]

Oh Sofa, I sure want to turn in my dancing shoes for a new sparkly pair!

 

Drew, where is this thread you are talking about to humanize the process I like that and wanna join in on the pic? 

 

Nova, hoping your having a good day! I am going to check out that web site Mad in America later!

[[dr...]]

Oh..it was a spontaneous thing...I think it was on the working thread or a blog..you can post here

 

I have a noon apt out of the office.  I worked from home and my stress response is starting to elevate.  Started with aconversation with my fiance about the wedding.  I am retarded right now.  Anything remotely stressful makes me dizzy and weird in the head.  Onward

[[so...]]

Drew,

 

I so relate to your any-kind-of-stress dizziness/drunk/drugged response.  It starts for me at 4am when I awake after REM sleep.  Very chemical in nature, since I can't help what my brain thinks about in my unconscious sleep state.  It takes me half the day, every day, to get beyond the initial early morning wake up call.  When this leaves, I'll be on my way to complete healing.

 

Nova,

 

I am wrapping my soothing soul blanket around your shoulders while you're in the poop soup.  You will get beyond the crashing symptom waves today.  My plastic eight ball says so.

 

Love, Sofa

[[so...]]

HH,

 

The shivers!  I get them every day!  Almost like the rush of fever shivers.  Then they go bye bye......till the next day! 

[[No...]]

Hi Gang ... still revving up and down ... got out this morning ... ran some errands ... enjoyed the warm sunshine ... did not die ...

 

Had a long chat with she who must be obeyed last evening ... her comment ... yep, your sick ... again ... and this time around you know it ... 18 months ago you did not know it ... now I know where you are ... back then I didn't ... there is a lot of "short-hand" in that conversation ... you know how husbands and wives can get ...

 

The gist ... this far out most of us have enough clarity to know what is going on ... we may not "understand" it ... we may need to hoot and holler sometimes ... or speed walk up hills ... or run around lakes ... but we "know" where we are ...

 

And there is anger, and frustration, and buckets of tears ... but we know where we are ... we can read the signs again ... well at least read them some of the time when the fuzzies and foggies aren't there ...

 

And ... knowing where we are does not fix anything ... does not lessen today's suffering ... only that maybe, perhaps, for a while once in a while, we can relax a bit and rest ... knowing we are safe again ... knowing we are getting there ...

 

 

[[No...]]

Mad In America is not a support site like BB ... it is an information site ... and there is a humongous amount of information there ... perhaps ... take your time with it if you decide to have a look ...

[[No...]]

Jen ... thank you for your story ...