18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[...]]

Marj,  I used to completely come unglued when my sx would Rev!  In all honesty sometimes I still do! But, I always went way back in my mind to a few nights after my cold turkey!  I always imagined  I was going to that place again and worst case senerio! Since I truly almost died....    Then I think I am surly going to loose my mind again and be locked in my closet for wks on end like during acute!  And I start down the path of will I not recognize my house again? Will I not recognize myself in the mirror again?  Will I Will I Will I Again..........        My naturopath has helped me BIG TIME with this!  And releasing some of theese emotions/ traumatic beliefs!  ( Idk I am pretty messed up just from the experience of all of this I guess?...). But Anyways I really have to literally yell out loud stop!  My worst fears have NOT Once come true!  I have literally never went that far back! And my naturopath says, He PROMISES AND KNOWS, my body has healed to the point I will never go that far back again with this benzo experience!      But for me the anticipation of how big will this wave really get is WAY WAY WORSE then it actually ever gets!    And, if I can find that comfort and really accept it during a mild to moderate wave I ride it out much much better! 

 

So today if you can, tell yourself I am still here, I have experienced the very worse and I have survived!  And right now this wave is as big as it's going to get! There is absolutely nothing more going on this is it!  And I am surviving it.  Yes I am scared and that's perfectly fine! But I have felt this 100% stronger than I feel it now, and I am just fine! 

 

You are doing great don't forget to be ever so kind to yourself!    Give yourself that mothers love, you know the kind you would give to one of your children if they were experiencing this!   

 

 

 

 

Oh Jen, thank you so much for this. I read each word you wrote with such delight. it was like getting a big bear hug from a dear friend. You know we have gone through so much that lead us to taking these pills and now we are going through even more after taking them. Having hit rock bottom we are pulling our selves back up. The way you describe the fear is so precise, only a fellow survivor could do this. I too sometimes say STOP out loud when the thoughts are running wild. It's crazy and i believe a lot of our feelings are driven by these faulty thoughts that  are always negative and undermining. I get so frustrated with myself at times or being ridiculously sensitive and at times feel like I've lost my sense of humour. One comment that is meant in jest can have me sobbing when other times I can find something similar amusing. The over analysing is so annoying and upsetting.

 

My day has not been too bad really apart from a deathly start made worse by no sleep. I've had very little anxiety or pain and my neck is near normal. The day changed with an event like I described above when one of my kids made a sarcastic but in jest comment that had said effect on me. All is fine now but at the time the sinister thoughts telling me I am changed from my former fun loving self had me unravelled for a while. I'm ok now and just need some decent sleep. Yes how much we fear we will lose our minds in the moment we always pull through. That has to be spirit strengthening, right? 

[[No...]]

Marj ... yes, we always pull through ... we are the fortunate ones ... we have found our way off these drugs ... we have found enough reassurance and support to help us along our way ...

 

And yes, these "surprise" stressors then send us for a loop ... makes no sense other than we are sick from the drug ... I suppose one way I could plot my healing curve is how my response has changed over these months ...

 

We will see our way out of this ...

 

Hope you have a good day tomorrow ...

[[Si...]]

Hunker down and clamp on the surf board Nova.

 

Marj, the poor sleep stuff does suck. Somehow we soldier on. You'll probably get a good sleep tonight. The sleep thing seems to go up and down through this too.

 

Drew, I can't tell you how many times I've blown up at other drivers here in Atlanta. We have a special breed of self centered here. People will speed up to block you from merging a lot of times too. I try to be more calm now as to not set myself off. It's hard though. Hope your having a nice night.

 

Sofa, Jen, satch hope tonight and tomorrow are good for you. I know the days of watching the clock until I could head home.

[[No...]]

Hi Siggy ... I seemed to have had a not too rough evening ... things have been quiet the last few hours ...

 

Hope you get a good sleep tonight ... another day in the books ... 

[[dr...]]

Too much suffering here today

 

I got my massage but could keep feeling the post migraine anxiety pushing through. Decided to skip whole food market shopping but went to the mall like an idiot!  I really need some new clothes and figured I do it.  Got hit with sweaty shakey fun times.  Brain started frying frm stimulation. Got home but the damage was done. Back of the head felt almost numb and painful if that can make sense.    started to get health anxiety of a stroke.  That's all she wrote as fear escalated. I meditated and am back  under control but still feel close to another episode.

 

I also had a myofascial release massage for an hour on Saturday.  I now have new areas of muscle/nerve pain where she worked on. That was three days ago and I'm not sure if that's a good sign. Oh this life is a pathetic way to live.

[[No...]]

Drew ... the mall ... hmmm ... oh well ...

 

We know how to put things back together for a while after a storm ... and you are right ... this is a lousy way to live ... for a while ...

 

After the mall ceases to be a challenge you could try a nascar race ... 

[[Si...]]

Glad you're getting back on track nova. Just have to enjoy the good days and grit through the bad.

 

Drew sorry you're getting hit too. I hate that pressure in the back of the head. The most I can do to reduce it is a long hot shower, some aspirin and usually some aromatherapy. Hope it's sorts out before you hit the sack.

[[Si...]]

Drew ... the mall ... hmmm ... oh well ...

 

We know how to put things back together for a while after a storm ... and you are right ... this is a lousy way to live ... for a while ...

 

After the mall ceases to be a challenge you could try a nascar race ... 

 

Yeah come on down! We can go to the Atlanta Motor Speedway. If the loud cars don't set you off, the rednecks will for sure! 

[[dr...]]

Sig-it was more of a numbness in the back which scared me because that's new and unusual

 

I've been to the LA speedway to arch nascar.  Btw-I only went in nordstroms to buy ties and passed due to the prices.  I thought I'd be tactical about my trip but I still failed.

[[Si...]]

Sig-it was more of a numbness in the back which scared me because that's new and unusual

 

I've been to the LA speedway to arch nascar.  Btw-I only went in nordstroms to buy ties and passed due to the prices.  I thought I'd be tactical about my trip but I still failed.

 

I've had the numbness a few times. No fun at all. I've been to a few drag strip races, but I've never been to a NASCAR race. This was way before benzos, but I use to go to a 24 hour grocery store around 2am because I hate dealing with people. I get a lot of my dress wear from Macy's. I don't think I've ever even bout anything at Nordstrom's. We do have a few here though.

[[No...]]

Hey Drew ... you didn't fail ... your just got bush wacked by the benzo-sniper ...

 

And something new showing up usually gives me a jolt ... and these "new" things tend not to stick around too long, usually ...

 

Sometimes I think they are just a passing side effect of other healing going on ... that's probably just wishful bs on my part but it has been known to keep me out a health fear rabbit hole or two ...

[[Si...]]

Hey Drew ... you didn't fail ... your just got bush wacked by the benzo-sniper ...

 

And something new showing up usually gives me a jolt ... and these "new" things tend not to stick around too long, usually ...

 

Sometimes I think they are just a passing side effect of other healing going on ... that's probably just wishful bs on my part but it has been known to keep me out a health fear rabbit hole or two ...

 

Well I think your guess is right. I feel that way too. Last week when I was in one of the worst waves ever and my whole head and spine were burning like crazy, all I could think is that it was trying to do some massive healing. While I've had the burning, in never had it all the way down my spine and never that bad since acute. It's been a minor blip the last three days truly weird bs for sure.

[[dr...]]

Gentleman, start your engines...uh...rather lets quiet them down and all hopefully have a pleasant night in neutral.  Nite sirs

[[No...]]

[[Mi...]]

Marj,  So happy to hear that your day got better! Little anxiety, little pain, and neck near normal! That's wonderful!  Yes I believe our spirits are strengthening, absolutely!  And, yes only only fellow survivors can truly understand this!  My husband actually said tonight, he wished he could spend just a day in my head so he understood it better!  I told him even if we could change minds for a day I love him way to much to ever do that to him! 

 

Drew, I chuckled when I read your post! I did the exact same thing this evening! I was feeling better and went shopping like a idiot as well!  I wanted to pick some stuff up for my daughters bday Thursday!  I got the throat closing sensation half way through!  I felt defeated also!  But then I remembered when I wouldn't leave my house! Then when I had to have someone with me!  So I guess just getting there even if it's only for half the list is progress right?  Be kind to yourself your doing great!  I just experienced this numbness also about a month ago and That's exactly what I thought! I was convinced I was having a stroke! It went from under my neck down my arm half my face!  You really can not make this shit up!  And I am a total wreck when I experience a new sx! It's the worse!  With the massage I also have had similar experiences with acupressure! It seems to rev up for a couple days after but then mellows out and is way better than before the accupressure! I think our systems are just so sensitive! 

 

Nova, A few hours of peace way to go! That's Fantastic!  Hopefully your  getting into a sun break!  Soak up some sun for all of us!

 

Siggy, You sound like you are still be doing well!

 

Sofa, I remember those early mornings waking up to pure anxiety! It gets better I promise! Sometimes I am surprised with it but not often! Stay strong!

 

Hoping everyone gets a good nights rest!        :smitten:

[[Mi...]]

Drew, I was reading a thread somewhere else on here and you mentioned adding a Dr. to a benzo wise list? Where is that list exactly? 

[[dr...]]

I'm not sure. Just email a moderator and they can get it to you. 

 

Jen-your as stubborn as me. Lol.  The thing is this symptom w the head sensations seems to be worse than ever but who the hell knows.  Just darn scary at times.

[[Mi...]]

Yes Drew, I truly am extremely stubborn! Lol!  If my family had only three words to describe me, stubborn would defiantly be one of them!

 

[[Si...]]

Barely slept 2 hours last night. No idea why. Woke my wife up too with my tossing and turning and then she couldn't go back to sleep either.

 

[[No...]]

Feeling miserable and grumpy and "put upon" ... in the thick of it again this morning ...

 

So ... no joy ...

[[No...]]

Hey Siggy ... think I have watched this movie before ... fed up with the re-run ...

 

Things may pick up for us as the day moves on ... I hope ...

[[Mi...]]

Hey Everyone kinda freaking out! Woke up with the anxiety pretty rough morning!  I recently talked with my counselor! It wasn't great!  I hadn't went in a long time. But anyways, she really thinks I am not experiencing WD anymore and have PTSD!  Which of course is making me panic!  This is why, at about 18 months my head really really cleared! I barely ever get the stoned feeling or vertigo! I can focus on things! It takes me a little longer to make a grocery list or pay bills but nothing to extreme at all!  Most of the time I feel in control of my thoughts!  I hardly ever feel like things aren't real anymore! I would say I have improved to a 90%baseline in this area!  But, my anxiety and panic are still extreme when they surface! And physically I feel like I have got ran over by a bus from time to time! I would say its a good 50/50!  My stomach is in a constant vice grip! I get weird sensations, the shakes, numbness, on fire feeling ect....    And just a general not well feeling!  My depression has lifted but I still get on a emotional roller coaster ride from time to time!  The agoraphobia has improved! As I have stated before, I have went from being trapped in my closet to trapped to my town! But this is huge progress I believe in only a 20 month window?      But, I still get really down on myself for having to live the no plans plan!  It's just way to stressful when I don't!  I so badly want to go back to work, make plans ect.....         

 

Anyways I guess what I am wondering does this seem normal to you all?  Am I doing the right thing by just riding this out?  Or do you guys think my psychologist is right?  It's very concerning to me that my head feels so much clearer but I still have all this other crap!  Which I didn't have before these drugs!   

 

In all honesty I used to be dramatic maybe mild anxiety would pop up from time to time BUT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE I AM EXPERIENCING NOW! 

 

 

Thanks for listening!  Hoping you are all enjoying a sun break today? 

[[No...]]

Jen ... one of the "ironies" of this process is ... the return of clarity ... and still the physical stuff persists ... and in many ways it is tougher to get our head around this suffering when clarity is present ...

 

PTSD is a very tough thing to diagnose ... it is now in the vernacular like depression and bi-polar and trauma ... yes it does exist ... and it is unlikely that we come out of this process with it ... it seems to be self-correcting ... or self-healing ... as we move through our healing ...

 

And ... I probably do not have a clue what I am talking about ... and most of the "professionals" out there do not either ...

 

It seems to me that we are on a healing path ... and this is verified by so many others who have come before us ... when this benzo healing is complete then it may be time to figure out if there is anything left over that needs to be dealt with ...

 

I believe that because this healing process engages us "entirely" adding in an adjunct process may be counter productive until this benzo process is complete ...

 

I have not worded this post well ... sorry ... having a very rough morning again ... if it is too confusing just ignore it ...

[[No...]]

Jen ... bottom line ... everything you have described sure sounds "normal" for this process ...

[[Mi...]]

Thanks Nova!  And yes the return of clarity!  I soooo longed for this but in all honesty I think now that's it's back it's all most tougher to deal!  Idk if that makes sense either bad morning here to!  I guess what I am trying to say is feeling stoned through out this process was easier than really feeling it I guess!  Idk,  I guess I don't handle this crawl out of your own skin anxiety very well!  And all of this other physical shit!  I think I liked the days when I felt stoned and watched the birds better!  Although I never want to go back only forward so I guess this is forward?  Yuck! 

 

I really hope you have a better afternoon Nova!