12-18 month support

[[je...]]

Nova-- sorry you are still revving, but I think you are very brave going out in -22! I don't think I've ever even been in weather that cold, so I can't even imagine.

Green-- I know its so hard when we hear about people reinstating. When I was about 10 months out a fellow buddie on here posted a success story, I was happy for him but a little jealous since we were about the same time off. He just posted the other day that he started taking Valium again because of panic attacks and he was up to 15 mg-- he decided to c/t again and is now back on the boards. I don't know why but this really bothered me, and I couldn't stop thinking about it... Makes me wonder how many others do this.

 

 

I've been doing really good guys. Friday night we took our boys to a movie and then our favorite pizza restaurant. I had 2 slices of pizza and no benzo belly afterwards. Yesterday I baked Valentine cookies with the kids and they made Valentine cards. I had pretty much no sx  both days. Last night my father in law made a rude comment to my husband that he told me about and I spent some time in the bathtub crying. I can't stand my in laws-- they are very negative people. I guess iam still sensitive to stress and negativity but overall doing well. Jenny

[[No...]]

Sky ... they are what are called "Nordic Walking Poles " ... YouTube or the web will show how they are used ...

 

I like them in the winter because packed snow is never level and they give me a good sense of balance and I am not stressing my ankles as much trying for balance on the uneven surfaces ...

 

And ... absolutely no help on ice ... use a dog sled for ice ...

 

And ... during the non-snow weather they can be used to enhance walking ... adds some cardio to walking ...

 

And you do not need the super expensive ones ... chromium - titanium - uranium - delirium ...

 

I have had a set for years made by KeenFit ... well priced and durable ...

 

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone,

I've been having a decent weekend for the most part, but I'm battling some chest anxiety/tightness off and on today and my stomach being clenched.  Boy I hate this feeling. It doesn't bring as much fear as it did before I got my heart checked, but it still unsettles me.

 

This weekend has been busy and i have spent it watching basketball and volleyball games, with today being at a tournament.  Last night we stayed in the hotel and we won't be home tonight until early evening. Thankfully Mr HH is with which helps tremendously! I'm tired, a little wavy, but having a fun time. If I could just lose the chest/stomach tightness I would be one happy camper!

 

That's sad to hear about the reinstatements. I think that probably happens a lot. Feeling as badly as as we can, not having support like this thread, and possibly even having Drs say it's not withdrawal, it would be easy to reinstate. I'm so thankful for the support here! I also know it gets better. I can feel it within myself, even on these wavy days.

 

Ok, back to the gym for the start of the championship bracket play. Wishing you a good day!

Love,

HH

 

[[No...]]

HH ... glad to hear you are enjoying yourself even though wavy ... have a fun afternoon and evening ... 

[[pe...]]

Nova-- sorry you are still revving, but I think you are very brave going out in -22! I don't think I've ever even been in weather that cold, so I can't even imagine.

Green-- I know its so hard when we hear about people reinstating. When I was about 10 months out a fellow buddie on here posted a success story, I was happy for him but a little jealous since we were about the same time off. He just posted the other day that he started taking Valium again because of panic attacks and he was up to 15 mg-- he decided to c/t again and is now back on the boards. I don't know why but this really bothered me, and I couldn't stop thinking about it... Makes me wonder how many others do this.

 

 

I've been doing really good guys. Friday night we took our boys to a movie and then our favorite pizza restaurant. I had 2 slices of pizza and no benzo belly afterwards. Yesterday I baked Valentine cookies with the kids and they made Valentine cards. I had pretty much no sx  both days. Last night my father in law made a rude comment to my husband that he told me about and I spent some time in the bathtub crying. I can't stand my in laws-- they are very negative people. I guess iam still sensitive to stress and negativity but overall doing well. Jenny

 

So glad you had some good times this weekend! A movie, pizza, and cookie making with the boys sounds like so much fun. Sorry your father in law said something unkind. My father in law has said a few awful things to me, always when my husband was not in ear shot. But then I'd always tell on him and my husband would yell at him. My hero. My father in law has been kinder lately, but I try to steer clear. I think I'll always be somewhat sensitive to the things people say, but it will get better as we heal.

 

Hang on to those good times with your guys. That's what it's all about!

Peace2

 

 

[[pe...]]

So helpful to hear Sky and others mention dr. It's one of my lasting symptoms and such a bother. It's amazingly easier to manage when I don't have my glasses on. But... Then I can't see. Ho hum.

 

Still tired, exhausted really. My boys were each up twice in the night which means very little sleep for the mama. I can only hope we sleep better tonight. Back to work in the morning. Boof.

 

HH- how are those games going? What amazingly athletic daughters you must have. Looking forward to spring break? I sure am!

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Nova, the exact same thing happens to me sometimes. Wake up with the yuk..but have to take the poor dog out ( where is The Dog Whisperer when you really need him?)...go outside with anxiety and intrusive thoughts...they disappear or at least lessen while outside...the minute I come back in they descend on me again.. Luke my apartment has a curse on it.. ( jk)  I have often tried to figure this out.. I havent..lol. From month 6 or so going outside has been a help. ...Sometimes I think it is the counter sensation of wind, sun, rain on us physically...doesn't matter...I will take it.

. ..So glad you got out and things are easing.

...I got up this morning with the residue effects of the wave I have been under....but half way through the day...a window. I would say at least 2  hours of near effortless mind day. It dimmed but not entirely closed . Headache gone ( no help from otc meds), no depression...some health fear and some intrusive thoughts that I think are left over trauma from this long wave. ...Me too Nova, strokes and heart attacks...what the heck.  Never had unreasonable fear of these. Now the only available channel for health concerns...rather radical channel...

.....Nova, we are going to be okay...if w/d hasn't knocked us down we have hearts of steal ....coop

[[Co...]]

HH, nice to see you. ..you are sounding pretty good in spite of the "a little wavy"...Your posts are encouraging. Even though you are still having ups and downs you are engaged in your life . I am hoping for that. Having said that I know you push through a lot to do all the things you do. ...Health fears. I read so many buddies who are hounded by them. Most of us I think. I am glad that you had the heart evaluation to reassure you that your heart is strong and healthy, but that benzo voice is so unreasonable and all the body sensations that come with this are strange and scary. ...You are brave . ...coop

[[Co...]]

Jenny, I am so glad you are feeling on the up side of this up and down ride. I love Valentines Day with all of the love notes that little kids love to write and recieve. Crying in the bathtub...so sorry.  It is so hurtful when the people who are precious in our lives are unkind and insensitive. .My dil is very direct and can be harsh.  I have found it more difficult to bounce back from during w/d. I am glad your husband has you to feel bad for him when his father is unkind. ...The bathtub is a good place for a cry.  ....I hope you keep feeling better...and have some of those cookies...coop

[[Co...]]

Peace, ...I hope your boys are feeling better. Wish there were 3 days in the weekend. D/R...I hate it, makes me feel like I have dementia...seriously. It also effects my visual perception in a way that I can't explain...like out of focus but only slightly. Like the difference between HD and not. ..

....You sound like you are holding your ground. Maybe we are all going to emerge from this week of waves.

.....Wishing you some sleep Peace, ...and sunbreaks....coop

[[Gr...]]

Green, you are so right. Even though we are gar from healed...so much better in general than last year. Like you, I was bedbound...I was terrified to take the dog out, terrified to take a bath ( what is with the bath/shower phobia.. I have read it over and over), I could not go shopping, going to the doctor was out, having a conversation caused me to panic and get lightheaded, 2 trips to er, health fears 24/7 , dizzy every day ... bizarre intrusive existential thoughts....This last wave has been really really hard...and long lasting. It is lifting ...slowly. ...Looking back on last year I realize that the ability to putter all day and get little ( very little) things done. I have not had a bed day for months previous to this wave. Conversations come easy, but I still can't talk too long or the spacey lightheaded thing starts circling. ...Really what I can't do yet , basically, is get back out there as in re-entry, but I think that will come...just like you said Green ....we are all going to get better...and go to Nova's house ..on the sea and eat chicken stew...lol....thanks so much Green...Wishing you effortless mind days.....love to you....coop

I know you're in a wave, Coop, I hear it.  it's going to break for you soon, and there's a very improved baseline coming.  love you, too

[[Gr...]]

Green ... yes ... I know getting out would be helpful ... and the footing has been very poor this past week and the wind has made things very cold ... I miss being out ...

 

And things will be improving soon ... I stayed up late last night, late for me anyway ... and got a few hours sleep ... woke up very "congested" ... that is easing, and I feel like the beast is waiting in the background ... waiting to pounce again ... we'll see ...

 

It is -22 C with the wind here this morning ... the converter says -7 F ... and will not warm up much today ...

 

Hoping everyone has a pleasant day ...

 

 

Wow, -22, that's cold!  Don't have anything like that down here.  I couldn't go out in that, not with my fake asthma.  Hope the weather breaks for you soon.

[[Gr...]]

This is odd ... feeling lousy ... got bundled up and went out for a walk with my walking sticks ... Nordic poles ... great for winter stuff ... out for 25 minutes and could have gone on further but started getting cold ... its now -22 C with wind chill ... enjoyed myself ... did not have heart attack or stroke ... always a bonus ...

 

Came back in ... and everything is still revving ... go figure ... will go out again this afternoon ...

 

Things are not as harsh as yesterday ... but still the dr ... congestion ... benzo guts ... and the always around head pressure ...

 

Maybe I should take up winter camping ... 

 

Have a good Sunday Folks ...

 

 

Wow, you are the tough Canadian!  Walking sticks and -22 degrees.  I'm impressed, Nova.

[[Gr...]]

Green, you are so right. Even though we are gar from healed...so much better in general than last year. Like you, I was bedbound...I was terrified to take the dog out, terrified to take a bath ( what is with the bath/shower phobia.. I have read it over and over), I could not go shopping, going to the doctor was out, having a conversation caused me to panic and get lightheaded, 2 trips to er, health fears 24/7 , dizzy every day ... bizarre intrusive existential thoughts....This last wave has been really really hard...and long lasting. It is lifting ...slowly. ...Looking back on last year I realize that the ability to putter all day and get little ( very little) things done. I have not had a bed day for months previous to this wave. Conversations come easy, but I still can't talk too long or the spacey lightheaded thing starts circling. ...Really what I can't do yet , basically, is get back out there as in re-entry, but I think that will come...just like you said Green ....we are all going to get better...and go to Nova's house ..on the sea and eat chicken stew...lol....thanks so much Green...Wishing you effortless mind days.....love to you....coop

 

True. Some things are so much better, but what is the bath thing ? Last year I was terrified, just terrified and now, it takes planning, careful planning.

 

Peace was talking about DR and I have to say, I  have gotten more used to it, but it's still really going on in  a heavy way. Just freaks me out less, I guess.

 

Green, so sorry about your nurse friend, that is awful. It's good to remind us that what we are doing is not easy, nobody thought is was, but you know what i mean, we have to take the time to appreciate how hard it actually is.

 

Today's daily special, is anxiety without vibrations. But the day is really beautiful, nice and sunny.

 

Have a  nicer day, everybody.

 

Sky, I get the DP/DR kind of heavy, and lately my heart does a little pitter patter with some cortisol chemical surges thrown in.  I got used to the DR.  I know I have it when I can't remember  something that happened, a conversation or a movie, just the other day. It's almost like stuff I don't remember from benzo days, like I'm not make new memories now.  I saw a ballet I liked, and the minute I left I the theater I couldn't pull up one tiny visual memory.  Some things, if people remind me, I kind of remember the fact of it, but don't have an emotional, a feeling memory.  And this is from right now.  I read something by the woman with he Liz Taylor avatar, she said the same thing, that even though she was healed, she still wasn't always making new emotional memories.  I knew immediately what she was talking about.  I think it's to do with the DP/DR, being out of it, my new memories are not good either.  I sure do hope this one clears up.

[[Gr...]]

Nova-- sorry you are still revving, but I think you are very brave going out in -22! I don't think I've ever even been in weather that cold, so I can't even imagine.

Green-- I know its so hard when we hear about people reinstating. When I was about 10 months out a fellow buddie on here posted a success story, I was happy for him but a little jealous since we were about the same time off. He just posted the other day that he started taking Valium again because of panic attacks and he was up to 15 mg-- he decided to c/t again and is now back on the boards. I don't know why but this really bothered me, and I couldn't stop thinking about it... Makes me wonder how many others do this.

 

 

I've been doing really good guys. Friday night we took our boys to a movie and then our favorite pizza restaurant. I had 2 slices of pizza and no benzo belly afterwards. Yesterday I baked Valentine cookies with the kids and they made Valentine cards. I had pretty much no sx  both days. Last night my father in law made a rude comment to my husband that he told me about and I spent some time in the bathtub crying. I can't stand my in laws-- they are very negative people. I guess iam still sensitive to stress and negativity but overall doing well. Jenny

 

Yes, it bothered me, like I felt so bad, survivor guilt, there but for the grace of God go I, or just felt bad one of us might have taken a bad road.  She might be fine on the Effexor and get off later with no problems. 

 

I hate your FIL and would like to punch him in the nose!

 

And I'm very happy to hear things are going well, better, and would love a V. Day cookie

 

Jenny, you and I have to toughen up.  There are so many bullies in the world, and they thrive on making other people feel bad.

[[Co...]]

Hi Green, ...how are you doing?...Yes, I am wavy ..but I think it's getting better...no headache today ( crossing my fingers) .  Only mild head pressure and zaps.  And 2 hours this afternoon og effortless mind. It dimmed down but not entirely closed . Just that left over fear that hangs on after a bad wave of physical sx.  Afraid to hope. Afraid to push it too much...confidence very wobbly but that is how a bad wave always leaves me.I puttered all day.  The key words...all day. I didn't need to be in my bed to feel ok and safe. Haven't seen those days for months prior to this wave. I think my baseline will stable out again once I feel confident again and stop looking over my shoulder for sx every five minutes.  Boy this stuff puts us through the wringer.

.....I will be so happy for all of us when we are done with this.

Are you at a steady baseline? ...Hope you had a good weekend and ignored your Christmas boxes.. Our most important job right now is to heal.  In whatever way our minds and bodies tell us to. ..everything else is second on the list...coop

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... after an up an down day, things came on again last evening ... I got a few hours of broken sleep ...

 

We give our temperatures in Celsius ... so I am not as tough as some of you say ... right now it is -27 C with the wind chill ... only -16 F ... 

 

Good to hear you had a pretty good day ...

 

3 AM here ... oh well ... we get through this stuff ... day by day ...

 

[[He...]]

Hi Nova,

Joining you in the middle of the night party, though mine's the west coast version. It's 2:00 here and I've been awake for about an hour with revving going on. Stupid chest anxiety. It's settling down so I'm hoping for more sleep.

 

Only -16?  Yep, still can't imagine!

 

Hope you got more sleep. I'm going to try to drift back. 3 more hours until my alarm goes off.

Love,

HH

 

PS, this is an obscene time to be awake! 

[[No...]]

HH ... I am often up and about at this hour ... I started today at 2:30 AM ... hope you get some more sleep ...

 

[[je...]]

Peace, Coop, and Green-- thank you for your kind words after my rant about my fil. I know I definitely need to toughen up, iam so sensitive and my feelings get hurt so easily now-- I just rethink it over and over.... My husband told me he knows his dad is an insensitive jerk, but just let it go. I feel like I've let so many things "go" that its just hard sometimes.

 

P.s. Peace-- your husband sounds like a keeper!

Green-- you had me laughing out loud for real with your comment about punching my fil ! I love all of you!

Jenny 

[[sa...]]

I thought I was in that place, and now I'm getting crushed by the 12-14 month waves, lol.  Just when you think you have a handle on this crap 

 

I just discovered BenzoBuddies two days ago. "Just when you think you have a handle on this crap" is exactly how I feel. I went c/t almost exactly one year ago. I'm currently struggling through a wave of intense anxiety, fear, panic and despair. It started about five days ago. I'm flattened. I'm scared about taking showers. I don't cook. I avoid stores and I can't imagine driving. And it feels like I have no future.

 

But in the spirit of the original post on this thread, I wanted to say that I do have windows. They're not terribly good windows and I don't get 100% clarity by any stretch. But last month I was sending out resumes and cover letters for better jobs. I got three interviews. I felt somewhat capable. In retrospect, I'm kind of glad that nobody offered me a job because if I'd taken it, I'd surely bomb out of it today. I work a couple of minimum wage jobs to pay bills and, miracle of miracles, I'm able to handle them day to day. (They're within walking distance so I don't have to drive. That helps so much.) I certainly couldn't have done that when I first went c/t.

 

So it must get better. And I realize now that I'm writing this as much as a reminder to myself as to anybody else.

[[Co...]]

Oh, Nova....I hope you can go back to sleep...sleep...the elusive healer. I missed seeing your post earl

ier. I see HH was up in the tiny wee hours of the morning. I hate this drug as much for what it has done to my friends as for what it has done to me. I did sleep from 230-630...but am a little revved with some nausea anxiety...hoping it will burn off by noon....another putter day...better than 24 hour health fear and headache....I will take it...Will probably check in again through the day....Wishing you some sunbreaks Nova.......coop

[[Gr...]]

I thought I was in that place, and now I'm getting crushed by the 12-14 month waves, lol.  Just when you think you have a handle on this crap 

 

I just discovered BenzoBuddies two days ago. "Just when you think you have a handle on this crap" is exactly how I feel. I went c/t almost exactly one year ago. I'm currently struggling through a wave of intense anxiety, fear, panic and despair. It started about five days ago. I'm flattened. I'm scared about taking showers. I don't cook. I avoid stores and I can't imagine driving. And it feels like I have no future.

 

But in the spirit of the original post on this thread, I wanted to say that I do have windows. They're not terribly good windows and I don't get 100% clarity by any stretch. But last month I was sending out resumes and cover letters for better jobs. I got three interviews. I felt somewhat capable. In retrospect, I'm kind of glad that nobody offered me a job because if I'd taken it, I'd surely bomb out of it today. I work a couple of minimum wage jobs to pay bills and, miracle of miracles, I'm able to handle them day to day. (They're within walking distance so I don't have to drive. That helps so much.) I certainly couldn't have done that when I first went c/t.

 

So it must get better. And I realize now that I'm writing this as much as a reminder to myself as to anybody else.

 

Sagehen,

 

Welcome!  It truly does get better.  When I wrote that post I was in a bad place.  Benzos rob us of a lot, but most of all they rob us of hope, especially through this long, arduous withdrawal process. 

 

You're in the right place, there's hope here.  Whether you just read the posts or drop by and post yourself, you'll get support.  At the least you'll know that your symptoms are normal, if I can use that word, lol!, and you'll have enough strength and courage to keep going, and the belief you will get better and your life is going to be amazing.

 

Hang in there!

[[Sk...]]

Oh, Nova....I hope you can go back to sleep...sleep...the elusive healer. I missed seeing your post earl

ier. I see HH was up in the tiny wee hours of the morning. I hate this drug as much for what it has done to my friends as for what it has done to me. I did sleep from 230-630...but am a little revved with some nausea anxiety...hoping it will burn off by noon....another putter day...better than 24 hour health fear and headache....I will take it...Will probably check in again through the day....Wishing you some sunbreaks Nova.......coop

 

Sagehen, can't imagine going cold turkey without bb ! Welcome !

 

Coop, you said that you feeel the intrusives pounce on you at home. I feel exactly the same, they pounce on me at the shopping mall ! It is awful, but I never thought is was the place, I thought it was the coincidence. I can't concentrate, I am just there for the ride, like a kid, mr SKy does the shopping, so i thought that was the reason.

 

I also have tantrums like a kid. Yesterday, I could not find my snow boots, and I just had a tantrum, just like that. Oh well, this too shall pass.

 

I am in my wavy day today, and I have a lot of work to do, I am working till 11 pm and then at 7 am the next day.

 

Have a better day, may not log in later. Hugs to all.

[[Co...]]

Have a better day Sky. I feel a little wave trying to lap at my knees too...the pattern of a better day followed by a wavy one is so exhausting....we can do month 16 together...I've got your back friend....coop