12-18 month support

[[dr...]]

Coop-hope you feel better. 

 

I'm okay.  Migraine stuff finally left.  Have some stuff but can function.  Very busy days.  I had a two hour meeting, two hour lunch, two hour meeting, and then performed last night.  between my last meeting and performing I meditayed as my brain starts buzzing from too much stress.  It helps.  I worked a short day today and caught up on sleep this afternoon.  Ear hissing which is a warning signal to relax.  Will listen to it.

 

 

[[Co...]]

Nova, glad to hear that your day was better.  Have a good night..and a rev-less day tomorrow.  coop

[[Co...]]

Thanks Drew, ...You sound so in command of your sx.. you put me to utter shame. I developed another migraine this afternoon . They make me crazed with anxiety...also the hissing ( perfect description) ears ...the migraine leads to complete health fear. I resorted to miniscule chip of atenolol. Takes the headache right down, but I don't how...it's about 1/8th of the prescribed dose of 12-25 mg. ...I worry about it though because it also backs down the anxiety that comes with the migraine...I don't want to be anxiety dependent on another med. I know beta blockers are not benzos but they do impact anxiety...that tiny dose also chases my b/p back down too. I am sure it is all a loop of self feeding sx.

.....You are doing a beautiful job with this Drew...keep posting  you are encouraging us.. Rest easy ....coop

[[dr...]]

Thx coop...the only reason I'm doing ok is because my body isnt doing all the weird physical things right nowLol. 

 

The beta is used for migraines and it has nothing to do with benzos. I wouldn't fret that.  I have betas so I should probably take one next time. One doc gave me a migraine spray once the attack starts but I don't want to do anything with that. Migraines come from chemical/neuro stuff like serotonin so it's only expected we'd get them.  Can't wait for this to be over.  I know...I Know... Preaching to the choir. 

[[Co...]]

Drew, the beta really does knock the migraine down ...even atenolol which is slower acting than propanolol...but lasts longer than the propanolol. You could try 1/2 your dose.  Also tons of water seems to help if you are not too nauseous. ...Although I think meditation as a first line of defense makes sense. ...I was so encouraged by HH's  earlier post about month 18 ...and PianoGirl writes in her success story that she was 100% reliably healed at 17 months.  You sound like you are going step over the finish line before that...hope so. ..

.....thanks Drew.  Wishing you another good day tomorrow.  coop

[[Sk...]]

HH and Nova,..  desperately hoping for an 18 month turn around...back in a miserable wave today. Yesterday..heaven...today hell. I think Sky said she was getting 'even/odd' every other day pattern of window/wave . This is the worst stretch I have had since summer..

....Can't say that I am ' pushing ' through but I am still standing on my feet...

.....HH you are sounding better, encouraged and ready for the last mile. We are all right behind you cheering you on. 

.....Nova, you sound like you are emerging from a bad wave.  and still standing.  however I have to tell you, standing on NO feet is never going to happen.  ..coop

 

Coop, pushing is great but knowing exactly when to stop, is even  greater and, most importantly, it's vital for the healing process.

 

Today, is my wave day and it's awful, but I don't really know what to think. That is, when I don't have my wave day, I am ok, but I have terrrible anxiety, so what is worse ?  You get my conundrum ? this is so typical of wd, you have to choose between two evils !! Actually, you don't get to choose at all, they happen all the same !

 

Ok, off I go, everybody I hope you are having a great  weekend full of unexpected healing .

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... sitting here enjoying a quiet Saturday morning ... about an hour ago, seems like somebody just picked me up and slammed me against a wall ... well, there goes Saturday ... time to hunker down and weather through another one ...

 

Maybe this is a return of the "every other day" process like others are going through ...

 

Sure would like to know how I "push" through this ... can't see straight ... bouncing off walls when I move ... tossing things across the room when I reach for something ... feeling like folding up into a ball ...

 

Maybe some can push this stuff around ... all I get is more dizzy and more anxiety ... that's my little "push" rant ...

 

We are all unique ... we do what we can ... as we can ...

 

Guess I will be around here today ...

 

Hope you all are having a better day than I am right now ... guess I am a little pissed off ... not sure at what ...

 

[[Sk...]]

Nova, sorry you are  feeling that bad, but you are in good company.

 

I agree, I think pushing yourself means making yourself sicker. Maybe these push through everything, don't miss a day of work etc. are aiming at buddies who are feeling sorry for themselves but I don't think anybody in this thread belongs to this category.

 

When I push myself, it is only to put food on the table, but I am very aware that I am doing damage to myself, to my healing. And I  have been through too much to be embarassed to admit that wd, has been a big financial blow to my family's finances. I should  not have to be ashamed of that, the doctors and companies who put this stuff out there, should be embarassed and should enjoy a bit of the hell their  carelessness has provoked.

 

SOrry, I had to vent, this is nuts, I am at 15 months out, I have been called crazy so many times in this time, but I am so not crazy, if this experience hasn't driven me nuts, nothing ever will.

 

ANd this is just another post of mine, that is unfortunately posted at tthe wrong time , and will get no replies and will be overlooked.

 

WOW, I am in a funk today !!

[[No...]]

Sky ... you will not be overlooked ... FUNK is the operative word today ... I got up to get a glass of water and the room was moving again ... can't push through that ...

 

Weathering ... that is where I am ... until this one passes ...

 

Hang on, my friend ...

 

[[Co...]]

Nova,...you and I are riding the same wave. DAMN!.  I am so sorry Nova that you are going through this .  And Sky. My head pressure and headache is back.  Anxiety of course is talking trash to me. I did sleep for 5 hours on and off.  Yep, the dizziness....I have a movie date planned with my granson plater today...I am going no matter what.....I would only take myself out feeling like this for my grandsons

  ...Nova, my heart is with you....you don't deserve this...none of us do. ...I will be on today too until I leave...this just has to end I am getting scared.  Headaches every day ( except one when I took ibuprofen) is playing havoc with my health fears. Yes, " like someone picked me up and threw me against the wall". . I don't know how pepole get through this awfulness. .

......Nova and Sky....you are not alone today...I am right there with you.  Hoping this lifts for all of us... coop

[[Sk...]]

Coop, you go to that movie !  :)I can't think of a more festive occasion to " push" yourself for, nothing more worth the trouble.

 

And then, tell us all about it, of course.

 

Wish you  the best, hang in there !

[[No...]]

Coop ... my friend ... I hope you are able to be with your grandson today ... there has to be some meaning somewhere ... and some caring connection ...

 

I don't get what I used to call headaches ... just what I am calling this really hard pressure in sinus, ears and face and head ... and today seems my nerves are out for a fiery stroll ...

 

We hang on ... we weather through this ... there is a finish line ... just too blurry today to see it ...

 

[[Co...]]

Nova, your zen acceptance of this puts me to shame. It is only with half of my brain that I know this is w/d.  The other half is an internal Google search of every human disorder..and a few that don't appear on Google because my benzo mind made them up.

.....I hope the room stop moving for you Nova...cozy up in your recliner .. .coop

[[Co...]]

Sky, thank you for being so honest about what 'pushing through' looks like for you. Me too, I am also embarrassed to say that in a wave ' pushing through' is ...at best puttering, simple cooking, laundry and taking the dog out . I will say that up until last week I had not seen a total bed day in a long time. It is hard to be here at 15/16 months off...Sky...Wishing you relief from your anxiety....coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... there is no shame in this ... just sometimes confusion and no meaning and endlessness ... and we are all moving through them with courage and steadfastness ... warriors and witnesses ...

 

Acceptance ... some time ago I did something rather odd ... I made a rough calculation of the amount of the drug I had taken for some twenty or so years ... and I just sat there and looked at the number I came up with for a long time ...

 

And I had a few thoughts ... some folks are not affected by the drug as I have been ... some folks can come off the drug without adverse consequences ... and folks all experience the process of withdrawal and recovery unique to themselves ... consequences or no consequences ...

 

When I saw the number I said to myself ... okay fella you are having consequences ... and in time you will get through this ...

 

And that is the reason I never tell folks what they are feeling or what they should be doing ... I only speak of what I am experiencing and what I have done and am doing ...

 

So, yes, there is acceptance in that ... and I am glad that in my saner moments I can see that ... and I believe I hear acceptance in all of us ... perhaps sometimes we just don't feel it in the moment ... and I believe it is there ...

 

We are all special and unique ... and wonderful in our own ways ... we just have to keep going ...

 

Now, if I can find the plug, I am going to unplug this moving room ... boatiness is for fishermen ... and I don't fish ... so someone got this messed up ...

 

[[Gr...]]

Good morning everybody.

 

Today's day specialty, is crushing anxiety on the house ! No vibrations, no palps, but crushing anxiety, even brushing my hair is upsetting on days like this.

 

Arrrgh, no way out of this, is there ?

 

Have a better day everybody.

 

r you guys selling?  moving?

[[Gr...]]

Good morning,

I just reread Lostdogs success story and found something that jumped out at me that I didn't really notice before, probably because I wasn't there yet. He wrote that after 18 months he started getting better but wondered if there would always be lingering symptoms. That's where I am now, mostly ok....my recovery doesn't really stop me from doing anything...but I still have some very uncomfortable chunks of time. I've been worried that THIS is healed. It was good to read that Lostdog felt the same.

 

Praying for healing for all of us!

Love,

HH

 

A lot of us on this thread use Lostdog as a reference.  He was so, so sick, suffered terribly, and got better. 

[[Gr...]]

I've read somewhere on hear that gabba receptors start to grow back at around 18 months, not sure if that is true but that would explain why so many people heal between the 18-24 month mark.

Nova-- so glad to hear you are feeling better!

 

I'm feeling so much better today too, everything has lifted to a very manageable level. I went on another hike last night, a much harder hike-- all uphill and I wasn't dragging I was moving fast. I felt fine afterwards-- no exhaustion, no joint pain or muscle weakness.  Sounds like we are all getting a big break from this recent wave. Jenny

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi all, I see it's been a rough past week for a lot of you.  Sorry to hear, at least for some of you it's getting better.  Just gotta keep pushing, keep challenging yourself, keep saying yes to everything.  Do everything you don't think you can do, then when you're done, do some more!  This withdrawal preys on those who are lazy, and are apprehensive about everything.  If you're really feeling that bad and can't think, feel dizzy, fatigued etc.....lay down, rest, you deserve it, it helps.....but don't let resting become the norm.  Depression is right around the corner from that.  Ok, that's my speech, now here's a little crazy story.

 

I think my last update was a couple weeks ago.  I was having a horrible day, was facing a lot of hours plowing in the blizzard Massachusetts got.  Even a rescue dose kept crossing my mind, just to take the stress away from having to drive during that dangerous snowy chaos. (thank you for talking me out that coop) I tried sleeping from 7 till 1am before hitting the roads but I couldn't make that happen.  I tried sleeping at 8am, that didn't happen either, had to plow all day. Long story short I ended up in a really bad place after almost 40 hours without sleep.  I was completely nervous, tired, seeing things, acting weird......when a wave mixes with sleep exhaustion it's like month one all over again!  Sick stuff, will try not to let that happen again.

 

Since then we keep getting nailed with snow, my body is so beat from shoveling and lifting stuff I shouldn't even be lifting. (37 year old with spine and tendon injuries, I feel 80 dammit) This winter has been quite the test.  I haven't given up yet so I guess I'm passing.  All this snow removal work would be a lot easier if my I didn't have a 3rd grader and all this housework and homework to keep up with at the same time.  I have almost lost my mind several times over the past couple weeks.  Just so much stress and responsibility for one healing man to deal with.  My wife has her own issues so it feels like it's just me living here.  We won't get into that....

 

Hey, 4 more days of snow coming to Mass from Saturday till Tuesday morning.  Wee, cha-ching.  Hopefully I can drag my butt to the Foreigner concert Tuesday night in Northampton!!  Hopefully I'm not revved up, oh well, if I am, I'm going anyway, I have to be tough.  If I skip plans it just makes me feel worse after, just say yes people!

 

M, you are my hero.  Keep going, dude, you've got this, don't look back, just go!

[[Gr...]]

HH and Nova,..  desperately hoping for an 18 month turn around...back in a miserable wave today. Yesterday..heaven...today hell. I think Sky said she was getting 'even/odd' every other day pattern of window/wave . This is the worst stretch I have had since summer..

....Can't say that I am ' pushing ' through but I am still standing on my feet...

.....HH you are sounding better, encouraged and ready for the last mile. We are all right behind you cheering you on. 

.....Nova, you sound like you are emerging from a bad wave.  and still standing.  however I have to tell you, standing on NO feet is never going to happen.  ..coop

 

Hang on, Coop, this will pass, they all do, we're getting there.

[[Gr...]]

Nova, sorry you are  feeling that bad, but you are in good company.

 

I agree, I think pushing yourself means making yourself sicker. Maybe these push through everything, don't miss a day of work etc. are aiming at buddies who are feeling sorry for themselves but I don't think anybody in this thread belongs to this category.

 

When I push myself, it is only to put food on the table, but I am very aware that I am doing damage to myself, to my healing. And I  have been through too much to be embarassed to admit that wd, has been a big financial blow to my family's finances. I should  not have to be ashamed of that, the doctors and companies who put this stuff out there, should be embarassed and should enjoy a bit of the hell their  carelessness has provoked.

 

SOrry, I had to vent, this is nuts, I am at 15 months out, I have been called crazy so many times in this time, but I am so not crazy, if this experience hasn't driven me nuts, nothing ever will.

 

ANd this is just another post of mine, that is unfortunately posted at tthe wrong time , and will get no replies and will be overlooked.

 

WOW, I am in a funk today !!

 

Sky, you're one of the sanest people I know!  You are not crazy.  And this withdrawal is changing you in ways you never dreamt were possible, you're going to come out of this happy and healthy.  and the lessons are tough, I know, but I don't believe they set you back or have a negative effect on healing.  It just feels like it's too much right now.  it will get better.  hang on

[[Gr...]]

Coop ... there is no shame in this ... just sometimes confusion and no meaning and endlessness ... and we are all moving through them with courage and steadfastness ... warriors and witnesses ...

 

Acceptance ... some time ago I did something rather odd ... I made a rough calculation of the amount of the drug I had taken for some twenty or so years ... and I just sat there and looked at the number I came up with for a long time ...

 

And I had a few thoughts ... some folks are not affected by the drug as I have been ... some folks can come off the drug without adverse consequences ... and folks all experience the process of withdrawal and recovery unique to themselves ... consequences or no consequences ...

 

When I saw the number I said to myself ... okay fella you are having consequences ... and in time you will get through this ...

 

And that is the reason I never tell folks what they are feeling or what they should be doing ... I only speak of what I am experiencing and what I have done and am doing ...

 

So, yes, there is acceptance in that ... and I am glad that in my saner moments I can see that ... and I believe I hear acceptance in all of us ... perhaps sometimes we just don't feel it in the moment ... and I believe it is there ...

 

We are all special and unique ... and wonderful in our own ways ... we just have to keep going ...

 

Now, if I can find the plug, I am going to unplug this moving room ... boatiness is for fishermen ... and I don't fish ... so someone got this messed up ...

 

 

Nova, it's normal when we're in a tough wave to compare ourselves to others.  it's also poison in recovery, for me anyway.  everybody is different.  my own unsuccessful withdrawal in 2009 was way easier than this one.  I guess that's the kindling. 

thing is, I'll always get surprised when other BBs don't have one of my worst sx, and I always get horrified when I hear of some terrible sx they have that I don't.  ex.,  I rarely get tinnitus.  some ppl are haunted by it.

 

bottom line, I truly believe, from what I've read, all that I've personally witnessed, no matter how bad our wd has been, how debilitating, how old, how young, how long we used, it takes two years.  I mean, I really still cannot work.  Not enough stamina to get through a day. still have feelings of weakness and fatigue.  and lots of ppl on here are going to work every day.  I used to worry about that.  I don't now.  I believe it's two years, no matter what, give or take a few months on either side.  I believe that because Lostdog got better, and eastcoast, they were both really, really bad, I could relate to their stories.  And then we have people who didn't use for very long, some suffer terribly, some don't, but they still seem to take the two years, and feel really better.  I meet a lot of nurses who had pill issues, who got slammed really bad, and they all say two years.  Standard answer, standard time to heal.  when we're in waves, we just get scared.  hang in there.

[[Co...]]

Sky, ..you are so NOT crazy.  And you could never go unnoticed here on BBs. You are a beautiful,caring funny and wise ...and compassionate presence here on the 12-18 month group. It would not be what it is without you. I look forward to your posts every day. ..

......You and Green are my '15 Month ' jump buddies. ...So glad to hear that you don't take it in for a second when people have you the crazy eye. I get that too from my dil sometimes. If it wasn't for the support of all of you here on this thread I would think myself that I am crazy. It is the benzos and the w/d that are crazy...not us. ...I am thinking king of you Sky. ....coop

[[Co...]]

Green, bless your heart for the encouragement. I think I have combed through every success story and I think 90% of them are 18-24 month healers...most 24 months. Some say they started feeling sx drop away and the scraps of life returning around 18 months. PianoGirl had a great success story  too...and Tink's is really encouraging

.......I don't think anyone should feel bad about not working. I have tried to let go of any and all feelings of guilt about what I can not do through w/d....It is really hard not to be able to plan anything with confidence...living one day at a time sometimes adds to the feeling that I am 95 and truly dying. Just thinking about doing an event sometimes causes me anxiety. I have learned ( sadly) to get up in the morning and let the day lead me. I only do simple open ended fun things...things that I can back out of at the last minute if I have to. I have lost friends who don't understand and missed out on events that killed me to miss...but it is what it is...

.....Green you sound like you are holding on to your baseline. I really think that is where we see our real healing...on the baseline between windows and waves. Hoping sick and scared is not my new baseline.

....thank you so much for coming back on and supporting us. ..love love to you Green...thank you for telling us about the nurses...24 months...I am not even thinking about protracted until at least 26 months....off...coop

[[No...]]

Green ... thank you for your words ... I don't feel scared today ... just pissed ... and perhaps that is just another side of scared ... who knows ...

 

We just keep moving on ...