12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Drew ... that is good news ... hope things continue for you ... 

[[je...]]

Hi buddies,

I feel pretty crappy today. I'm physically exhausted and I'm very dizzy. My brain still feels like its burning and just feels weird. Sorry to hear Nova and Coop had a rough night, but happy to hear you got through it. Jenny

[[je...]]

It's the feeling of being stuck, of not making headway, of being on that dang merry-go-round we spoke of months ago, that gets to me. It's beating me down. What worries me the most (when my health/imminent death fears aren't raging) is that I have been saying the same things for so long! I looked back at my posts from this time last year and I could have written them today. How is that possible?

If I'm being honest with myself, there are some differences, my anxiety was very bad all the time then. Also I tended to downplay how I felt when I wrote because it was too scary to express the full truth. my good days weren't as good and my bad days were much worse. But I feel like there is just too much that is still the same.

I'm not sure what that means. Its discouraging, for sure.

 

 

Yes!! HH I could have written this post myself.. Stuck, I feel stuck. Sometimes I sit here and question if I have healed at all, I know that I have but the benzo lies seem to be getting to me.

[[pe...]]

Hi Buddies-

So glad to see you getting the support of each other.  I also can't believe that my little fam is getting hit so hard, so far out. It's nothing mere mortals could get through. Good thing we're beyond that, have surely achieved some kind of superhuman powers by this point.

 

I'm ok. Except for a blip at the beginning of last week, I've had about two weeks of feeling ok. I still have dr, weird thoughts, etc. but it's a different caliber. I am finally thinking I might be ok after all, not yet, but someday. Feeling like this doesn't have to end in catastrophe. I'm also just tired and sad, wiped out from where I've been with these things. A nightmare of memories, the thoughts I've entertained, the moments of terror, the absolute craziness of visual hallucinations and paranoid thinking. It's a lot to digest. The monster the medications made me into really shows me that we are made up of some parts light and some parts darkness. I'm hoping the light keeps coming back, I hope I can forgive myself for the darkness and also respect its presence in me. Somehow I have to heal from this.

 

I hope I get to stay on this new floor of healing, knowing that hope has little to do with our healing. I love you all and always send peace to you all.

 

Peacetoo

[[Co...]]

Oh, Jenny....so sorry to hear this...what the heck is going on . This has to be one of the worst weeks for people early into the second year. The burning brain sx is so difficult to live with. My heart is with you and I hope it lifts for you  ery soon. The battle fatigue exhaustion is descending on all of us in the past several days. It is completely amazing to me the endurance that is on this board. Now I know why people don't get off this stuff. ...w/d is not for sissies. I don't think I know more than 1 or 2 people outside this group who could endure what we have endured...and continue to endure.

....I really don't know how we have lasted this long except that we keep passing the hope around to one another.

  ..Jenny, Nova had such good advice for me last night...honor the battle fatigue...go slow ( I know how impossible that is with 2 kids)...don't push right now, just do what you have to do...I really don't have any effective tricks for for head sx as they torture me at thier will and I feel pretty defenseless against them...as Nova says, " time is our remedy"...but really.  .15, 17, 18 months .  time starts looking like a lifetime.....I am thinking of you...Haven't you had head pressure/burning all along? ...One day we are going to get up and not have any head pressure, zaps, migraines or squishy brains. This stuff is unbelievable....Feel better Jenny....coop

[[je...]]

Thank you Coop! I'm at a loss as too how long this w/d lasts. I see now why so many give up after the first year, this is not easy. I will never give up and will keep fighting, but damn I am tired. I am soooo thankful I have each of you here with me holding my hand. How are you doing today Coop? Seems like a lot of us are getting hit hard right now, but we will get through it. Jenny 

[[Co...]]

Peace, .. amazing...you are right where Green and I were when we both felt the shift...we both pretty much said, ..yeah, the sx are still there but I just feel the healing beneath them . It is wonderful to hear you say that you are now feeling that this does not have to end in catastrophe. ..even though it's still tough. ..Peace, you have nothing to forgive yourself for. The black corners of our minds are exactly where the Benzo Beast hides out.  the dark thoughts are not ours. 

......You are just sounding in such a good place.  You deserve it girly. Yep, we are all super heroes.  This truly is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. There will be an end to this. If I was a millionaire I would send everyone plaNE tickets to my city and we would have the biggest celebration ever when we are all across the 24 month mark ...I honestly don't know where I would be today without the support of my friends here....reinstated I think.. So glad to see you Peace.  Happy baseline to you!  coop

[[No...]]

Peace ... good to hear you are feeling in a good place ... I don't even think about the dark stuff ... not until this is over ... too hard to determine what is what right now ...

 

[[je...]]

Peace, I truly thrilled for you! You sound great! I think your baseline has improved and that's what you are feeling now. It will just keep getting better as time goes on. Jenny 

[[No...]]

Jenny ... I am with you ... had a pretty quiet day until mid-afternoon and things started tightening up again ... head, neck, shoulders and chest ... and both ears are stating to ache ...

 

Oh well ... can't get a refund tonight ... too much snow out there ... will have to wait til morning and see how things are ...

 

Keep going, my friend ... nobody around here is giving up either ...

 

[[Co...]]

Nova,...sorry to hear that. Did your zaps leave? ...I wish I had some good tricks for body pain and tightness....you have heard them all...and none of them helped me much when I was screaming with neck/shoulder/back pain.

    Do you have any relief tricks for your ears? ...I am still just puttering around ...I will be on through the evening...if I remember any chest tightness ear ache magic....

.....what a view you must have 12 floors up over a bay and inlet...nice.  coop

[[pe...]]

Though uninvited, at this point, I have all these ideas of visiting you all in the fabulous places you live. Something to look forward to. 

[[Co...]]

Might Girl, you have a standing invitation to my house any day..any time. It would be so great ( huge day dream) to meet everyone in person...

[[No...]]

Peace ... come in the Fall ... that is the best time ... there is a room waiting ... and anybody else who can get up this way ... 

[[No...]]

Coop ... not as heavy duty as yesterday ... and was pretty good until mid-afternoon ... funny ... not tired yet ... of course I did sleep until 8 this morning ... I will be sticking around until I am ready to sleep ...

 

[[No...]]

Gonna get some rest ... hope everyone has a good evening ... 

[[Co...]]

Goodnight Nova, ...Sleep well.....coop

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

I finally got home from a long day at work (it's just after 9:00).  I have had a REALLY good day!!    I slept good last night, woke up without anxiety, felt optimistic and happy all day, and I still feel good.  I didn't have any squeezing....which, now that Nova mentioned it, I believe is my fascia being all tight.  No burning.  Nothing! 

My day went from a busy day at school teaching, straight to helping with set-up for a large fund-raiser later this week, to a meeting for a school sponsored cross-country trip my daughter is going on over spring break.  Phew!!  I'm exhausted, but I feel NORMAL. 

 

I hope you all have a good night of sleep and wake up in a bright window.

 

Love to you all!

HH

 

[[Co...]]

HH.., that is wonderful happy news!...So So happy for you. You are so very close. Your post gives us all such a boost of hope...I just can not wait to get to month 18 ...I think  things will be greatly improved. ..Sleep well HH.  Happy dreams to you....coop

[[Sk...]]

Though uninvited, at this point, I have all these ideas of visiting you all in the fabulous places you live. Something to look forward to. 

 

This would be lovely, after all we have been through we do need to get together when this is over and compare war stories.

 

I am really very ill today. Big vibrations, heart palps and head pressure. I am beginning to think this is not necessarily connected to my period but is a wave.

 

I am going to rest now, feel awful,

 

everybody have a better day. 

[[No...]]

Good Morning Sky ... sorry to hear you are feeling awful ... get some rest if you can ...

 

I am in the soup with all flags flying this morning as well ... got woken up too early with ice beating against the window ... the storm was still going ... tried to go back to sleep a little later and the symptom symphony started playing way too loudly ...

 

So ... another puttering, go slow day ...

 

Be Well, my friend ...

 

[[Sk...]]

Have 3 lessons back to back now don't really know how I will pull them off.

 

But it might be a good thing, take my mind off things, I had not felt this bad in a long long time. Reminds me of HH's post, in which she said a year ago she was still feeling the same in some ways. THis wave reminds me of the old days.

 

Everybody, hang in there.

[[Co...]]

Sky, ...so sorry you woke up to a wavy day. We seem to have a communal wave going on here. I will be thinking of you this morning. Are you free of health fears. I think they deepen our waves, but so often go hand in hand with sx. Can you rest and take care after your classes?..

....Sky, I hope your day lightens up as you go along. I will be on and off the boards through the day if you want conversation. ..We are 15 month buddies...so close to month 18..  we are going to get through this tough wave.  Thinking of you today Sky....coop

[[Sk...]]

Thanks Coop, no I am not having health fears,just the usual ones. I am  just worrying about the future, death of mr SKy, routine things !! ;-)

[[Co...]]

Nova,...that's quite the storm...still rainy and gray here today too...dreary.  reflects the wave we are all riding today. I hope your day rolls you out of the drearinses of this long stretch of cycling. I want to hear that you walked to the market with some bounce. Are you cooking up something...such a good distraction. My wave is sitting on the fence . It lifted temporarily for awhile last evening..the head zaps were on again off again with a time of none. No headache this morning but temple zaps with warbling ear and congestion in ear....Doing my go to distraction too.. .clean clean clean...putter putter.  Take the dog out ( it's sooo cold, but sometimes the cold air actually helps the head pressure).. My daughter is coming later this morning and I am give shopping a quick go around. ..So looking forward to a life that is not this ground hogs day putter movie. I do have a movie date with my youngest grandson this weekend...I will be going even if my head is exploding.I am afraid of backsliding to that place in my taper where I was afraid to go any place alone.

......Rest easy Nova...chop wood carry water....fold laundry..  coop