12-18 month support

[[je...]]

Hi Lisa-- the fact that you ARE getting windows is good news! If you weren't ever having any good days then that would be concerning, but you are having windows-- so that means you are healing even if you don't see it. 

 

Peace-- your post was beautiful  love ya girlie!

[[pe...]]

Lisa,

I agree with Jenny. I rarely if ever get anything like windows. It is survival everyday for me.  I've always thought that your frequent better days were a good sign.

I just received the copy of Bliss Johns Recovery and Renewal in the mail yesterday. And I find myself carrying it around like a security blanket, as physical proof to myself that drugs do this and people heal.

 

Lisa, we are here for you. Improvements are coming for all of us.

 

Peace2

[[je...]]

Sky- you so deserve a day out enjoying some chocolate and shopping! I hope you enjoyed yourself 

Nova- thank you for always making me laugh 

Welcome Texas mama! Great to have you here 

[[...]]

It saddens me to read the suffering...takes me back to early on when I spent so much time wondering how this drug could be prescribed!

 

Sky, oh my gosh, YES! I to spent such a long time, unable to spend money on myself, feeling unworthy. Your words resonate with me as I can feel the feelings while reading your words. I'm so happy you were able to treat yourself! I remember so vividly the first time I bought something for myself, about a month ago, and felt "good" about it! Another sign of our healing!

 

Lisa, I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. I feel the same as you do, when I'm not feeling well, that I just want to "go". I have not suffered with the health or death fears that others have. When I'm feeling good, those feelings are gone and I'm so happy to be alive and have the time with my beautiful family! I pray that you get relief!

 

Peace, I loved your post! What a long and arduous process we are all enduring! I wish I could hug you and make you feel better! I think it would be so reassuring to hold someone who truly understands what we are going throughout!

 

Coop, I'm sorry you are in a drawn out wave! But the improved baseline is so awesome! What a slow process we are enduring! You are such great support, along with Nova, who is always there with something supportive!

 

Welcome Texas! You certainly hit the jackpot with this group of awesome people! I'm in Texas as well!

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning, Folks ...

 

I read a book some time ago, I don't remember the content, and the title has stuck with me all these years ... "The Kindness Of Strangers" ... so, this is a reflection on a book title, not the content ...

 

And yes, all the kindness from strangers that is exchanged here on BB is a daily miracle and wonderful to witness and participate in ... all this holding and sharing and caring and loving ...

 

And ... there is another person here on BB that I often ignore ... that I sometimes do not want to recognize ... that I do not want to acknowledge because of all the suffering and confusion they remind me of ... too often it is all too easy for me to engage with others so that I can stop, for however long, remembering ... acknowledging ...

 

Someone too close to home ...

 

Perhaps the cruelest side effect of my experience with this drug and its aftermath is that I became a stranger to myself ... a discontinuity ... a brokenness ... someone who does not belong anywhere ... a phantom ... someone not part of my story ... an interloper ... a disruption ... an experience of suffering that does not make the least little bit of sense ...

 

And ... I try to turn away ... to ignore ... to distract from ... to stop, for however long, being overwhelmed by their presence ...

 

And ... for a certain amount of time during this process of recovery this was necessary ... perhaps ... and for me, there has been a cost ... a debt to be dissolved ... a forgiveness to be expressed ... a kindness to be accepted from this stranger ...

 

This stranger is the healer ... this stranger is the grace that brings equanimity ... this stranger is the blessing that brings steadfastness ...

 

Perhaps the close, personal, face to face, relationship that I long for is right here in the room with me ... perhaps I am far enough along that I can now accept the kindness of this stranger ...

 

Each day I accept the kindness of the strangers on BB ... each day I am nourished and encouraged by each of you ...and each day I give kindness and nourishment and encouragement to other strangers ...

 

And ... perhaps, for me, this is another lesson in acceptance ... an acceptance that I am the wave and the window ... that there is nothing, any longer, that I need to distract from ... to ignore ... to fear ...

 

Perhaps there is no stranger ... only kindness ...

 

That I am the kindness that I seek ... that I am the grace and the blessing that nourishes myself and the world ... I am necessary ... without me there is a hole in the fabric of life ... never to be restored or repaired ...

 

As are each of you ... you are all necessary ...

 

Be well ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[No...]]

Lisa ... I can relate ... 

[[No...]]

Hi GMIT ... you were on early for Texas time ... hope you continue to do well ... you have so earned this ...

 

[[...]]

I am doing pretty good! Went through a rough patch, but SO much better than ever before! I can feel I'm slowly coming out of it!

 

My sleep pattern is off, but I'm ok with it! I fall asleep early and up between 2-4. I don't mind anymore! No time to worry about that! I'm focusing on optimism! I was always an optimist but feel much of that was sidelined throughout this healing process! I am working very hard to pull myself out of negative thoughts (as difficult as that is in a wave)!

 

How are you today?

 

[[No...]]

GMIT ... I often close down for the night by 7 or 8 pm ... and then up after 2 AM ... seems okay for me ... got a long rest last night ... 8 or 9 hours ...

 

Ah ... optimism ... the gift that keeps on giving ... and always comes with a smile ...

 

Keep going, my friend ... we are getting out of this ... one breath at a time ...

 

Always nice to have good news from Texas ...

 

[[Sk...]]

It saddens me to read the suffering...takes me back to early on when I spent so much time wondering how this drug could be prescribed!

 

Sky, oh my gosh, YES! I to spent such a long time, unable to spend money on myself, feeling unworthy. Your words resonate with me as I can feel the feelings while reading your words. I'm so happy you were able to treat yourself! I remember so vividly the first time I bought something for myself, about a month ago, and felt "good" about it! Another sign of our healing!

 

Lisa, I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. I feel the same as you do, when I'm not feeling well, that I just want to "go". I have not suffered with the health or death fears that others have. When I'm feeling good, those feelings are gone and I'm so happy to be alive and have the time with my beautiful family! I pray that you get relief!

 

Peace, I loved your post! What a long and arduous process we are all enduring! I wish I could hug you and make you feel better! I think it would be so reassuring to hold someone who truly understands what we are going throughout!

 

Coop, I'm sorry you are in a drawn out wave! But the improved baseline is so awesome! What a slow process we are enduring! You are such great support, along with Nova, who is always there with something supportive!

 

Welcome Texas! You certainly hit the jackpot with this group of awesome people! I'm in Texas as well!

 

GMIT,  I just cried reading your reply. It' s incredible how much better we feel just reading that someone else felt the same way.

 

I am about to have my period and this "about to" is awful. my body is vibrating as if there were a little engine inside and my heart is nuts.

 

Last night, I held on to mr Sky and my other childhood teddy bear all night long.

 

My little teddy bear marched me through my childhood, walked me bravely through nightmares at night. I had been thinking about him for a long time, so at Christmas when I went home, I  decided to bring him with me. He is in tatters but as brave and gallant as ever and is helping this little child, which is how I feel, march towards healing.

 

Mr Sky said, about my period, "once a month ? it's the other way around, you are better once a month and then the period ends up by taking up the whole month, one way or another !!"

 

 

LIsa, you wrote a beautiful  post, it mirrors the confusion and suffering we are going through, and I am so sorry you are suffering so much. From the outside I do see some good things happening, though. You have a good therapist, a good husband, you have written a beautiful post. I do see the artist screaming to get out again.

 

Hang in there, eat because your brain works better with food, it needs food so badly, the right food.

 

[[He...]]

Good morning!

 

I slept great last night, from about 10-6, and woke up with only a small buzz of morning anxiety and no feelings of dread. I think this wave is on its way out.  Today is 19 months for me.

 

I realized something yesterday morning. I accidentally was drinking regular coffee on Thursday and Friday!!  No wonder I felt so sick and revved up!! Several months ago I mistakenly bought a box of regular k-cups for my Keurig, but same brand and the box looked identical (minus the all important word "DECAF"). I guess I forgot it was up there, but I ended up brewing regular coffee and drinking the first caffeinated beverages I've had in over two years. Yikes! It was especially not good to make this mistake during my period, which always brings a wave of its own! It amplified all my symptoms: the body pain, the head and chest pressure, the nausea, and of course the jitters.

 

We just need to get through this patch, that's all. We are on this trail to freedom, to health, and we just have to keep going and pushing forward.....because at the end is being 100% healed from the benzo-induced damage.

 

I wish you all well today. Praying it's a good day with a wide open window. 

[[Fr...]]

You are all so sweet and encouraging.  I think this thread is a wonderful example (as Nova said) of the kindness of strangers and I love the line (as Peace mentioned), no one gets left behind.

 

Coop - grandchildren do sound like great motivation to keep going.  I worry that my sons will be married sometime soon and I won't even be able to attend their weddings.  I tried going to church last night and we had to leave after communion because the pain was too severe.

 

Yes the window days are great but a new pattern started in the last few days.

 

Now the windows are about a day and a half and the waves are a day and a half.  I'm not gaining any ground because as the windows get longer, the waves get longer too.  I almost prefered it the other way because at least I could plan and making it through a shorter wave was maybe easier.  The wave started yesterday around 1PM and I am still suffering badly with pain and feeling flu-like and trouble swallowing (lump in throat).

 

I keep looking toward an imaginary light.

 

It's got to get better, right? 

[[Gr...]]

Good morning!

 

I slept great last night, from about 10-6, and woke up with only a small buzz of morning anxiety and no feelings of dread. I think this wave is on its way out.  Today is 19 months for me.

 

I realized something yesterday morning. I accidentally was drinking regular coffee on Thursday and Friday!!  No wonder I felt so sick and revved up!! Several months ago I mistakenly bought a box of regular k-cups for my Keurig, but same brand and the box looked identical (minus the all important word "DECAF"). I guess I forgot it was up there, but I ended up brewing regular coffee and drinking the first caffeinated beverages I've had in over two years. Yikes! It was especially not good to make this mistake during my period, which always brings a wave of its own! It amplified all my symptoms: the body pain, the head and chest pressure, the nausea, and of course the jitters.

 

We just need to get through this patch, that's all. We are on this trail to freedom, to health, and we just have to keep going and pushing forward.....because at the end is being 100% healed from the benzo-induced damage.

 

I wish you all well today. Praying it's a good day with a wide open window. 

 

HH,

Congratulations on starting month 19. So glad to hear this wave is on its way out.  I also woke up kind of "normal," and it's such a nice feeling, a nice way to start the day.  Hope this continues for you forever.

[[Gr...]]

Just an fyi, ....there is a very encouraging success story by Mathewonline.  page 9 of the success stories. ..He posted at 2 years, 2 weeks 2 days off.  Describes his waves as sequentially worse from one to the next, slow pattern of improvement, chronic discourage mentioned . .and totally better at 2 years

....I think we we can heal at any point. As someone said earlier...you never know what tomorrow will bring.. and it could be the day you heal.. but for some of us this week has been fraught with feelings of " when when when will this end.  Will it ever really end. 24 months for me, seems like the next goal post to focus on .  If I cross the finish line sooner I will be shouting from the rooftops. 24 months seems like kinda of a sure shot , taking from the success stories and the Canadian addiction specialist's summary.  An end in sight kind of flagstone..Hoping....and pretty much believing as I sit here swirling in anxiety and health fear.  ...coop

 

Coop,

I get so fogged out and lost in my waves, I forget when they started, I think, and only seem to take note when I'm in really bad shape.  Good news, I'm back to having those wonderful clarity things later in the day, where I am myself, and I even found myself laughing out loud.  Laughing like that, I realized how long it's been since I laughed out loud.  Now I'm in and out, wavy and feel good, back to that, which is way easier than feeling bad all the time.  Hope this breaks for you soon.

[[Gr...]]

Green ... sorry for the "normal" confusion ... was  "foggy" here yesterday ...

 

We just keep going ... what more can I say ... I would love to ignore this stuff and get on with a life ... and I can't ... for now it is part of my life ...

 

There are times when I just want to hunker down in my foxhole and wave my middle finger at the world high over my head ...

 

Doesn't have much effect other then giving me a little shoulder exercise ... 

 

Hope you have a quiet weekend ...

 

 

Yeah, this has been very, very hard, too long.  and, yes, for now this is our lives.  Every day I try to accept that and make the best of it. 

 

BTW, has anyone had a very, very painful scalp, too tender to touch, forget brush?  I swear you can't make this stuff up.

 

I'm going to check out the pain link now.

 

 

I had the painful itchy scalp.  It was crazy. Had this while on klonopin several years ago.  They prescribed me a $400 prescription shampoo. Can't make this up.

 

Hey, Drew,  I vaguely remember having this problem on the benzos.  Now the tenderness morphed into tiny blisters that break and scab.  Pleasant, right.  Yuck, actually.  No, we sure can't make it up

[[Gr...]]

Green , thanks so much for your reply...you totally get this...and I am so sorry you ( and all of us) are going through a tough wave. I am discouraged by this one but I do know it will get better. So wierd that you would mention the tender scalp. .my entire head is sensitive too...and it was brain zaps ( that I haven't had for awhile) that triggered my health fear and anxiety today. The diagram that Nova posted helped me get rational but I am just in no mood for this ...but tomorrow is another day and one day closer to being done.

....thanks again Green.. the support on this thread is incredible. ....better than 400$ shampoo...lol ...Drew, you are right...can't make this stuff up...

....Sleep well buddies. Wishing windows for all of us for tomorrow....coop

 

Coop, my dear buddy, you go slow and easy, this is going to end, mine is already starting to break up a little.  Yes, things have gotten a little intense since we both turned the corner around Christmas, it slowly morphed from good/bad, to mostly bad.  But remember when we're feeling bad we don't feel the healing, and there's absolutely healing going on.  I just wrote in a post I had that weird feeling worse and weirdly feeling like something good was in the works.  Waves do bring healing, and this one will, too.  Hang on, Coop.  I know I've said that a million times, but this really is going to end.  I will check out Matthew's success story.

[[Gr...]]

Green ... sorry for the "normal" confusion ... was  "foggy" here yesterday ...

 

We just keep going ... what more can I say ... I would love to ignore this stuff and get on with a life ... and I can't ... for now it is part of my life ...

 

There are times when I just want to hunker down in my foxhole and wave my middle finger at the world high over my head ...

 

Doesn't have much effect other then giving me a little shoulder exercise ... 

 

Hope you have a quiet weekend ...

 

 

Yeah, this has been very, very hard, too long.  and, yes, for now this is our lives.  Every day I try to accept that and make the best of it. 

 

BTW, has anyone had a very, very painful scalp, too tender to touch, forget brush?  I swear you can't make this stuff up.

 

I'm going to check out the pain link now.

 

Sue,

 

OMG I had this a couple of nights ago. I was sort of itching, and then it got soo worse. I started to scratch it, absent mindedly, you k now ? THen when I realized what was going on, I forced myself to ignore it !! HUrt a lot, but then it got better. I didn't read other posts on it, and did not give it much thought !

 

Oh why  did I ever take this medecine to start with ?

 

Now I have little scabs on my scalp from itching.  that's very attractive, isn't it? 

 

hang in there, home stretch time.

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Thanks, Nova, for your encouragement this morning and always.

 

It's just so hard to understand how I can feel 100% and then be thrown back into The Pit, over and over again. It certainly doesn't FEEL like that is healing! I just feel mentally and emotionally beaten up.  This second year has been the most challenging, even though I was considerably more miserable last year.

 

Tomorrow I hit 19 months. That gives me 5 months of healing before I hit two years. I'm trying to remind myself that a lot can happen in 5 months.....

 

Sorry. I don't sound grateful for all the healing that has taken place, nor the fact that my life has continued on without significant change throughout this process. I am profoundly appreciative of those facts! Waves just have the ability to make me feel like a scared, small child.

 

I hope your shoulders, back, and neck release for you today!

 

HH,

 

5 months is an eternity, lightyears, in withdrawal time.  don't even think that way.  one foot in front of the other, live each day as best you can.

[[Gr...]]

HH, today too I feel so angry and tired and childish and, and, and more !!

 

I have had some really bad last days, and I am exhausted. ANd I need to vent, but i have been venting forever, 15 months of venting, arrgh.

 

My palps are wild, my mood bounces around and my vibration are back and my handwriting is crazy again.

 

SO I am just so angry. It's because of my period, but you know ? there always seems to be a reason . ANd then there is the 15 month wave, and then the big 16 month wave. I don't know if there are really these waves, I am just saying I feel like a hamster running on  a wheel.

 

When do We get to catch some breath ? I have been running on a wheel for 15 months, not even the happiest of hamsters would want that. SOrry, but my day was pretty horrid.

 

Hey, Sky.  Funny you mention anger, I found myself feeling that way.  I was kind of surprised, like where did this come from.  Thank goodness I'm so separated from most of my emotions by the DP/DR, I think, that I can examine them before I act on them.  That's actually a benefit for me in withdrawal.  I don't think I used to filter emotions this way before.  Hard to remember, though

 

I'm sorry you had a hard day.  It's going to take a little time to settle down after being away for so long, I think

[[Gr...]]

HH, Sky and Nova....well we have quite a little Breakfast Club here this morning. I was awake all night too..I slept from 4-6 and now have a headache from hell....Sky I am also 15 months and Nova, I think you are closing in on month 16?....HH I am with you with the torture of having good days crashed up onto the rocks when the waves roll in . I was really feeling the healing ...now a 13 day wave...the worst since month 6/7...I spent a few hours last night reading success stories and progress logs.  Nit very many people healed in the first 12 months..  ...a mojority of people were done , with thier total lives back ...work, relationships, love of life...everything by month 24....I am trying to concentrate on that.

......Sky, HH and Nova...I am sending you huge hopes for relief from the waves today...love, coop

 

Coop, that's what I'm hearing.  People I talk to, two years, they all say the same thing.  There has to be something to it.

 

We should have known this from the beginning, because it's out there, clearly stated wherever I look.  But I think most of us, me for sure, were suffering so badly we couldn't deal with "2 years."  We needed to hope an end to the madness, the awful suffering, was closer, any moment now.  2 years, though, that's it.  No matter how bad off you are, whatever your level of function, I think it's the same two years.  The good addiction doctors know this.  Doesn't matter what the medication was, even alcohol, this is paws, and it's two years.

[[Gr...]]

HH-- I completely agree with you, this second year is proving harder for me too despite feeling better. I think its because we are so exhausted, and I'm feeling discouraged.... I keep thinking about lostdogs success story-- he said months 12-18 were the hardest because you are so tired, after 18 months he said he was on auto pilot just getting through each day but not seeing any real healing, then by 24 months he was healed... We are all close.. Jenny

 

Jenny, I think about lostdog all the time, it gets me through the doldrums, I call them.  I wrote an entry where I said this feels like a marathon.  By mile 18 I had nothing left, no reserves, and it seemed like I had such a long way to go.  That's what it feels like, even though the worst is over, I just don't have anything left to get me through to the finish line.  But we do, we find the strength.  and when I can't find the strength, I just stop thinking, try to shut down all the voices in my head, the ones that say I'm too tired to make it, like I did when I ran that marathon, and just put one foot in front of the other and keep going. 

 

That's what we do, we just keep going.  And we're going to get there.

[[Gr...]]

Hello buddies wondering if I could join in. I'm a year out except for 4 days in July when took benzo for 4 days was told it was a muscle relaxer...not in benzo family ...but it was generic brand of Xanax....thank you......doctor...

 

Anyway Im struggling.....super bad......need to know I'm not alone....love to join ....

 

Welcome, Texas mama! 

 

Of course you can join.  Love to have you.  Our goal here is to stay sane,  , support each other, until we heal.  It looks like 2 years is the number, some a little more, some a little less.  But the second year is a lot better for a lot of people.  Glad to have you.

 

[[Gr...]]

I'm here and reading everything. I'm sad for all the symptoms I'm reading, but I'm surprisingly not discouraged. You are all amazing, the most amazing humans I've ever had the pleasure to know. Who can do this silent torture day after day? We can, we do. It's nothing short of amazing. And I hold tight to all the lines that you've given me, maybe 'no one gets left behind' resonates the most. We have seen each other through so many waves and cheered through so many windows. I find myself at a loss for anything new to say. Keep going. I love and admire each of you. That's the basics of it.

 

I hold you each while I read your posts. I want to hug Jenny in person and Coop and Sky (with her chocolate croissant!) and Green and Nova and HH. Oh, my goodness it feels like forever and so many exchanges and patience and love. And all of the people who've joined us and left us. All equally amazing. These are good threads that Coop and Green started. If we have to go through this 'bad' thing, this is a good place to be.

 

My youngest son is three and a half and laid out on the couch with the flu. He's been vomiting all day and we encourage him not to be afraid, to listen to his body, trust that it's working toward wellness. And he's amazingly calm and just observes what his body is doing and what it feels like. What a little teacher I have in front of me.

 

I hope the next posts are the turn around posts. I hope to hear about your sun breaks. But it's ok if we take more time. Because we've done this for so long. And that length feels like it could break us, but it won't. Despite our whining (I win first prize) we are made of beautifully strong stuff.

 

Bless you all and the better days ahead.

Peace2

 

Peace, that was a beautifully written post.  I hope you're feeling as good as you sound.  Yes, we are all made of strong stuff, and no, you didn't whine, you are our Mighty Girl, Coop and I marveled at your strength and courage.  And when this is over, our victory, our triumph, that becomes part of who we are.  The memory of the suffering will recede. but we will always know we have a secret reserve of strength and endurance, that we've been tried and tested, beyond normal human limits, very close to beyond, lol, and we did it.  I think that's why the success stories sound so "from the other side," because of that crossover from unbearable pain and suffering, to the other side, to healing.  Okay, lol, mind just dried up, no more words!

[[Co...]]

HH, such good news.. I made the same mistake on pupose a few weeks ago. Puposefully had a full leaded latte..paid for that.

.....I agree with Green.. 5 months is light years . I can't believe how strong you and Peace are in keeping your lives put together, caring for children. working...keeping up with school family and social events. I have no doubts at all that you are going to see 100% healing. It is completely the Benzo that terrifies us with lies about not healing. ...You are healing g and getting so close. .  We are all right behind you... coop

[[Co...]]

Hi Green, thanks for your post. ..So glad to hear that your afternoons are back to clarity..I hate the cog fog. How are your body aches?...Mine have mysteriously disappeared ...overnight...unbelievable...they have been replaced by scalp or muscle spasms in my left temple and behind my ear. My health fears are fully engaged ( working on better self talk). I think my wave is trying to lift. I had better sleep last night. So maybe I will find my way back to a good baseline.

....You are sounding better Green...You are so right.  we still have months in front of us before we see month 24, but I am hoping we see more good healing by month 18 to keep us in the marathon all the way....the finish mark is in sight....love to you Green...Wishing you steady improved baseline and effortless mind days.....coop