12-18 month support

[[Co...]]

Nova, ....so sorry that you have the tinman sx. Seems to be torturing a lot of us . I have had it on and off since month 13. For me, some things work sometimes and others work at different times...just to make it more difficult. Sometimes even my go to Epsome salts bath soaks don't work. The Arnica that you recommended to me when I first got it helps alot....just not every time. If I am desperate I cave and take 200 mg of tylenol, but often get rebound pain. I took Ibuprofen for a couple days and got wonderful relief....and elevated b/p. I am having some luck with a stout ginger/tumeric/cyenne pepper tea. Gentle yoga on the days when moving through range of motion doesn't hurt. ...

.....Sometimes none of it helps. I will say that it is slowly getting better. I am having luck with hot milk and tumeric at night ( better if the milk is frother and ' doctored' with a little raw honey....good luck Nova...hope this lets go of you soon.

  .Nice to see you...wish you felt better....coop

[[He...]]

Struggling off and on today.  UGH!  My stupid period always makes for a crappy day or two....sometimes more than that.  It will pass, but I am feeling that acid/burning in my veins, head pressure (feels like I'm being compressed), and some internal vibrations.  I really want to have a good day tomorrow so I can travel with the basketball team.    Fingers crossed that the yuck I woke up with today will be GONE.

 

Reminding myself that this still would have been considered an "OK" day last year at this time is NOT helping me any....it feels like a CRAP day today.  I'm feeling like having a small tantrum. 

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are both in it too, Coop and Nova.  Big hugs!! My tantrum is for all of us. 

[[dr...]]

Hi Folks ... this neck and shoulder tension is driving me nuts ... and getting slowly worse over the last week ... and now seems to be affecting the back of my throat ... and none of my usual "interventions" seem to be helping ...

 

I posted a query out on the big board ...

 

Sorry I haven't been around much the last couple of days ... this is quite annoying ...

 

If anyone has a suggestion or comments I would appreciate it ... heat, arnica, showers, relaxation ... no effect ...

 

 

 

Have you tried getting a upper back/neck massage?

[[be...]]

Buelah,...you are sounding so close to the end of this rocky travel. You had such a hard time. I am so happy for you that you can feel healing and trust that spring is going to be a spring of complete healing. Are you at month 17/18?...I am so hoping to be where you are in another 3 months. I really thought that I was getting close for the first 3 weeks of this month, but now I am 8 days into a wave that is acut-ish. I thought it was lifting last night.  but not so much.

.....We are getting uncharacteristic spring like weather here in my part of the PNW....eastern Washington . ..I actually did hear birds out the other day and we have had Temps in the 55s .. so nice to take my dog out. ...You live by a pond? ...nice.

  .......So nice to read of your improvement...you are going to have a great spring... a few more weeks.  Love to you Buelah....coop

 

Coop - 18 months out. I'm jealous of your weather. We got five more inches here in Ohio and freezing rain this morning. Our temps are in the mid 20's....brr.

Yes, I live by a pond, there's a beautiful park across the road from where I live. The ducks cross the road everyday and come visiting ( begging for food ) people in the neighborhood...lol. I keep a bucket of dried corn and fruit by the door to feed them and they leave me duck poo......yuk. In the summer they stand under our bird feeders and catch what the birds drop, they are so fun to watch.

[[li...]]

Just stopping by and reading some posts. It's funny but there are days that go by and I do not see my feelings and issues as w/d related. It just occurred to me as I read some posts that I no longer label my feeling as w/d and sometimes I have to remind myslef that hightened anxiety may very well be w/d. I just thought I would share that as it is just another marker of healing. I know that all of us will be healed by year 2. We are all going to heal. God bless you all and rapid healing to all! With love to all.

 

Life

[[dr...]]

Grrr...my post just got deleted. 

 

I was saying I need an early warning system to let me know when I overdo it. I do so much and then it all came to an exhausting end today.  I feel sooo tired that any movement or thinking is so hard to do.  I felt energetic until I wasnt.    Our bodies definitely don't have a high threshold on many levels.

 

I have to perform soon and then I have only a light day of work tomorrow.  After that, nothing til Saturday.  I always forget to mention here my sleep is so poor. I sleep so lightly that I'm waking up around ten times a night and hardly ever feel rested.  Zzzzz

 

 

[[Co...]]

Beulah...., living across from the park and having ducks that come to visit sounds so fun.  You have a good spring waiting for you and you deserve it 1000x over...Wishing you windows tomorrow....coop

[[Co...]]

HH...., I will join you in the temper tantrum...enough is enough. ..crossing my fingers for you too...Wishing you a great game tomorrow...coop

[[Wh...]]

Why,...welcome to the thread. You are in the right place. Any one of us who are in the second year could have written your post. Many of us have been hit with a mini-acute wave somewhere after the 12 month mark, but are logging  improvement in between the days of sx. I think it is very telling and reassuring that in a string of good days you are " happy happy happy". I think ( hope ) that whoever we were before benzos is who will be after healing...minus some wear and tear from w/d. Your post sounds very similar to what we are all experiencing to some level or another.

.....I am just a few days from stepping into month 15 and am plowing through a too long house visit from acute 2.0 ....I was gaining the best improvement yet at the beginning of Jan ( month 14). ...windows, sunbreaks and some effortless mind days in 1or 2 day stretches every 3 or 4 days. I thought I was at a reliable 95% . ....Then an 8 day wave that is just now trying to lift. All the sx that you mention. I also feel traumatized by the long let up and recurrent of sx. Take comfort in the fact that you look like most of us here. ...As for your rapid heart rate. If I understand you correctly, it comes down when you are not at the doctor's office. My heart rate has bouts of 80-90....also goes up at the physician's office...or even thinking about the doctor. My b/p does the same thing. At home , if not in an anxiety it is 115/70...go to the doctor it is 150-160/ 90...same if I am having anxiety or panic. I take a very small dose of atenolol ( a crumb off of a 6 mg half tab) on an as needed basis. I asked my doctor not to make me take a b/p reading in the office and I monitor it at home and take my previous 3 days readings in . The further out I go the fewer b/p and heart rate spikes I have. The atenolol helps my heart rate too. Hot Epsome salts /lavender bath soaks also help both. ..

.....As I read through success stories it seems that the average /typical healing time is somewhere between 18-24 months. Some months back one of our buddies posted an article written by a physician who specializes in medication addiction/dependency w/d . He is Canadian and is convinced that true healing ( including resuming a normal life and work) requires 24 months. ...but in my experience the second year, though still difficult does not look nearly as bad as year one. My waves are still full of acute like sx but they ( up until this one) are shorter in duration and further apart with better baseline and more frequent windows and sunbreaks.

  ...I know you will find support and good information on this thread, it is manned by hugely caring compassionate smart and wise people....hoping your wave passes soon....cooperten

Thanks Cooperten! Yeah I definitely stress when I go to the doctors, but only have blood pressure issues when I am there. I guess it is called "whitecoat hypertension". Who knew there was a term for it. I have never had heart rate issues at a regular doctor appointment. Then again, as I mentioned before, I stay out of the doctors office when I am going through waves, but made the mistake the last two times of feeling crappy, of going! I should know better by now! LOL But I just have a hard time accepting that this is still an issue when I felt so great! I will keep my fingers crossed for every one that this path of our lives soon turns to brighter days!

[[Co...]]

Life, ..So good to see you...thanks for coming by with words of encouragement....you sound 200%....great for the rest of us to hear it...we are catching up.  Thanks Life...coop

[[No...]]

Posted this over on the big board in the little thread I started looking for confirmation and advise ...

 

Thanks for your replies folks ...

 

I believe this is recovery related ... just got 6 hours of sleep and felt great until I rolled my shoulders ... the top of my shoulders lit off and radiated down my shoulder blades ...

 

I am going to see an osteopath next week that I spoke with last year ... I have been very sedentary for a very long time ... the only exercise I could tolerate was walking ... some days for hours, some days had to turn around and come home after five minutes ...

 

I have practiced Tai Chi and some forms of Qigong for over thirty years ... all the while feeding myself the drug ... and about six years ago I had to stop entirely because of the sensations of energy chaos firing off in my body ... terribly frightening and debilitating ... and nobody around here, myself included, could put 2 and 2 together and impart some wisdom to me ...

 

What is curious, I started some very slow and "undirected" practice about three months ago ... I know where the "edges" are and am working slowly towards them ...I suspect what I am experiencing are some blockages that need to be worked through ... over the past three years I have not been able tolerate any massage or acupuncture ... or any "small" intentional body exercise ... other than walking most days ...

 

The throat issue I mentioned feels like a "grab" when I sometimes swallow, or yawn deeply, or cough ... probably some form of spasm ... always at the back of my throat and under my right shoulder blade ... I cannot intentionally initiate it ... and is very intermittent ...

 

I will see the osteopath next week and we can explore and see what is what ... slowly and intentionally ...

 

Once again, thank you for your replies ... never a dull moment in recovery land ...

 

Always good for me to receive confirmation ... helps keep me out of the rabbit hole ...

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... 2 AM here ... got six hours of solid sleep and woke up feeling chipper ... and rolled my shoulder blades ... holy crap, Batman ... yep this is me and my body "waking up" after a 25 year slumber ...

 

Did Rip Van Winkle have these issues? ... doesn't say anything about benzos in the text ... 

 

So ... onward and upward ... it is what it is until it isn't ...

 

[[No...]]

Hi Whyowhy2013 ... sorry I didn't welcome you sooner ... been a little "pre-occupied" the last couple of days ...

 

I too have an "allergy" to doctor's offices ... or rather doctor's ... most of the offices are usually neutral ... seems to be mostly the people who work there that bring out the "best" in me ...

 

Hope you find this thread encouraging and helpful ...

 

[[No...]]

Coop ... sorry about your multi day wave ... we will climb out of this place and dance again ... 

 

And everyone else ... sorry, my focus is fading again ... hope you all have a good day today ... 

[[Gr...]]

Did you all see this from Dezlaz?

 

Hi everyone,

 

I don't post here often as I have been benzo-free for 8.5 years. Lately, I've been talking with a few people who are approximately 12-13 months off the poison. They all question their own recovery, as I did, too. Putting in a full year and not being recovered is depressing. I was there. I know the fear. I worried that I would be in that boat forever and left behind. I read all the old timers stories on Benzo Liberty and Benzo Friends sites. I was not on this group at all until years after I healed when I was requested to help a person with burning vagina....one of my 24/7/365 symptoms since swallowing the first Ativan. I read the stories about how the old timers recovered and I so longingly wanted to be in their boat, but the symptoms were still so horrible at one year off that I was convinced I would be sick and tormented forever.

 

How could I suffer any longer? Time moves like a snail in withdrawal.

 

I was 100% wrong, obviously. My breakthrough was just around the corner. I was stunned that symptom after symptom started dropping off after 16 to 18 months. It didn't happen overnight. But, it did happen. And, your recovery will happen, too. The depression, anxiety, fear, pain, insomnia, nausea, etc...all stops and the body normalizes. Peace returns. No more feeling like a prisoner of war in your own flesh. Just peace and relief from the torture you endured for so long.

 

Just thought I'd remind you all that your miracle is coming. If I can recover, anyone can. and, WILL!

 

Hugs and healing,

Denise

 

Peace, thank you sooo much for this.  Meant a lot.  I needed something positive. 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Nova,

It's Ground Hogs Day for me. Blah. I posted this on the main withdrawal thread:

 

I have seen a fair bit of improvement but I am left with this intermittent creepy feeling. It is gloomy and dark and accompanied by some intrusive thoughts. Ugh. It's awful. It doesn't feel like the regular anxiety I've come to know, nor does it feel like depression. It's just sticky and uncomfortable and leaves me feeling like a crazy scary person. People write about their fears, what if the thing you're afraid of is yourself?

 

Yikes. But that's me today.

 

How are you? How's your book coming along? 

 

I sure hope their absence means Coop, Green and the rest are having fantastic days!

 

No, Peace, not fantastic, lol.  Still really hard.  I have very heavy DP, DR, cog fog, lots of body aches and pains, and other odds and ends.  And that tight chest that feels more like asthma, even though I know perfectly well I don't have asthma.  I don't come on too much now because I'm trying really hard to ignore the symptoms, trying not to think about them.  But it's hard.  If I stop to think about it, I will freak out.  So I try not to think. 

The positive. I think sleep is improving.  not so much quantity, but the quality.  it seems better.  and I dream now and then.  I still don't get my housework done, but the improvement is I no longer worry about it (that one's for you, HH!)  And another positive is even though it's still tough, I truly believe we're all going to get better.  Like Dezlaz says, 16 to 18 months, and things will start disappearing.  So hopefully by spring we'll all see some real improvement.

 

Thank you again for the Dezlaz post.  she's

[[Gr...]]

I have no recent updates I'd like to post, I have no words of wisdom, I didn't even read the posts from the last few days.  I have nothing to say except for this small blurb about my day, and soon to be a hellish night.

 

Everything went wrong today, almost crashed my truck into a dingbat who ran a light this afternoon, doctor couldn't get my sons script correct, went back and forth between doc and pharmacy for 2 hours till that was corrected, my neck and back hurt from doing storm prep, NOW I need to prepare for 24 hours of plowing in a blizzard over here in Mass.  All my long lost symtoms are suddenly back.  I'm super nervous, jittery, totally brain dead, DP, head pressure, head pain, burning mouth....yada yada yada. 

 

I have access to ativan....the thought is strong.....I would love to take a single pill and make plowing in this blizzard so much less intimidating and stressful.  I just want the anxiety to go away!  Will one dose 15 months out totally ruin my progress?  I'm strong enough to resist this urge but for some reason I'm posting this thought for all to read.  I think I know why I'm doing it, and I'm very sure I know the reply you folks will give me.  Won't be hitting the roads for another 5-6 hours so hopefully a miracle window comes along and saves me from this bad dream I'm living in.  I'll tell you what, this chamomile tea sure as shit ain't cutting it!!!  I need a wave.....of mellowness to wash over me.

 

Mike, whatever kind of addicts we are, accidental or otherwise, that "switch" in the brain has been flicked, we crossed the line and can never go back.  That's how I think, anyway.  now that  these brain receptors have been altered and adapted, and adapted back, I don't think I can ever take certain medications safely again.  I just don't know what reaction I'll have.  I don't know if I could quickly become dependent again, and perish the thought, have to deal with this horror, or something possibly worse.  or some crazy paradoxical reaction, which is possible for a couple of years.  It's a wild crap shoot.  The fact you crave the meds just means you're brain isn't better yet.  I get that a lot.  I even dream about them.  It's just because we feel so damned bad.  I was going through some old boxes and found a bottle of Xanax about a week ago.  I just stared at it.  I was having an awful day.  I looked at the pills and believed that taking one would make me feel better, normal.  I flushed them.  But I really wanted one.  I just don't want what goes with it.

 

Mass got hit really hard.  I'm down in NY.  Really didn't get anything.  10 inches. 

 

hope everything worked out.

[[Gr...]]

Hi everyone,

 

I hope you are doing ok. After a somewhat dicey start with some physical anxiety (due to my period starting), my day has been really good today. Nothing particularly big happened, just a regular day teaching, but I felt good the whole day!

 

I'll be hitting the 19th month mark this Sunday and I think I have turned a pretty big corner with that last huge wave I experienced. I still have some doubts/fear about truly being healed by 24 months, but I think that stems from being only a few weeks removed from that wave. It's that not trusting my body thing, but like all other symptoms, I'm sure it will go away in time.

 

I'm starting to feel like I'm coming back to myself in an authentic way, not just faking it. Maybe after my many many months of "faking it until I make it" I am finally shifting into "making it"?  It's premature to positively declare that, but what I DO know is that I am enjoying music, I am dealing with stressors, I am laughing more, I enjoy being alone, I enjoy being with people, I am remembering how it feels to be content. Reacquainting myself to the authentic me after 5 years of being dulled down by klonopin and another year and a half of struggling through withdrawal symptoms....priceless! I'm starting to believe in my soul that this is going to be absolutely worth it when it's over.

 

Love to you all!

 

HH, I am so glad you're seeing some improvement.  Yes, this is definitely going to be worth it.  I lose sight of that.  It's been so long and hard, I forget why I'm doing it, I forget I'm going to feel better, that we all are.  Glad you can feel that today

[[No...]]

How are you doing Sue? ... I am okay ... muddling along ...

[[Gr...]]

How are you doing Sue? ... I am okay ... muddling along ...

 

Mike, I'm muddling, that's a good word for it I guess.  Trying not to think too much.  But I missed you guys, so here I am, thinking again! 

 

How have you been?  I already know, I read everything, caught up.

 

We're getting there, it's just so damned slow. 

 

In spite of what you still have going on, do you see any improvements? Are things disappearing?

[[No...]]

Sue ...

 

Can't say they are "disappearing" ... they are mostly certainly lessening ... and overall easier to be with ... and I mostly feel like things that have been dormant or messed up are slowly waking up ... into what I guess passes as normal ...

 

Sort of having to learn again what's normal ... and be with it ...

 

So ... yes, that is progress ... better than last year ... better than last month ...

 

[[Wh...]]

Posted this over on the big board in the little thread I started looking for confirmation and advise ...

 

Thanks for your replies folks ...

 

I believe this is recovery related ... just got 6 hours of sleep and felt great until I rolled my shoulders ... the top of my shoulders lit off and radiated down my shoulder blades ...

 

I am going to see an osteopath next week that I spoke with last year ... I have been very sedentary for a very long time ... the only exercise I could tolerate was walking ... some days for hours, some days had to turn around and come home after five minutes ...

 

I have practiced Tai Chi and some forms of Qigong for over thirty years ... all the while feeding myself the drug ... and about six years ago I had to stop entirely because of the sensations of energy chaos firing off in my body ... terribly frightening and debilitating ... and nobody around here, myself included, could put 2 and 2 together and impart some wisdom to me ...

 

What is curious, I started some very slow and "undirected" practice about three months ago ... I know where the "edges" are and am working slowly towards them ...I suspect what I am experiencing are some blockages that need to be worked through ... over the past three years I have not been able tolerate any massage or acupuncture ... or any "small" intentional body exercise ... other than walking most days ...

 

The throat issue I mentioned feels like a "grab" when I sometimes swallow, or yawn deeply, or cough ... probably some form of spasm ... always at the back of my throat and under my right shoulder blade ... I cannot intentionally initiate it ... and is very intermittent ...

 

I will see the osteopath next week and we can explore and see what is what ... slowly and intentionally ...

 

Once again, thank you for your replies ... never a dull moment in recovery land ...

 

Always good for me to receive confirmation ... helps keep me out of the rabbit hole ...

 

Hi Nova-

You may have a pinched nerve running under your shoulder near your neck area. That could be what is causing the issue with your throat and especially if you are having pain in your shoulder. Inhave had similar issues where ai actually feel like I have strep but all it was, was a pinched nerve. This is also very possible with a lot of muscle tension due to withdrawal! I hope this issue resolves itself soon for ya! 

[[No...]]

Whyowhy2013 ... thanks for the info ... saw my doc this morning ... no strep ... lungs good ... throat okay ... sinus still off kilter ... and lots of muscle tension ...

 

This old fart is just plain out of shape and full of sn*t ... I guess my wife is right ... I am full of it ... oh well ... will see osteopath next week and see where that goes ... doc has got me using saline nasal spray ... doc says our sinus drain over a litre a day ... which we do not notice ... when things get a little inflamed or thickened up we notice ... so the spray ... probably all fallout from that three week cold that still has a couple of claws in me ...

 

Other than that feeling pretty chipper ... except for the cute little anxiety blast on the bus this morning ... sure would like to know where they come from ... when I find out I am going to turn off their power, water, and garbage collection and see how they like it ...

 

Have a good Friday, Folks ...

 

[[He...]]

Whyowhy2013 ... thanks for the info ... saw my doc this morning ... no strep ... lungs good ... throat okay ... sinus still off kilter ... and lots of muscle tension ...

 

This old fart is just plain out of shape and full of sn*t ... I guess my wife is right ... I am full of it ... oh well ... will see osteopath next week and see where that goes ... doc has got me using saline nasal spray ... doc says our sinus drain over a litre a day ... which we do not notice ... when things get a little inflamed or thickened up we notice ... so the spray ... probably all fallout from that three week cold that still has a couple of claws in me ...

 

Other than that feeling pretty chipper ... except for the cute little anxiety blast on the bus this morning ... sure would like to know where they come from ... when I find out I am going to turn off their power, water, and garbage collection and see how they like it ...

 

Have a good Friday, Folks ...

 

 

Glad to hear you checked out good today, with the exception of some residual from your cold!

 

And about your anxiety blast....HOLY SMOKES, I had one too.  Must be something in the air?   When you find out about where they come from, please share.  I'd like to evict mine also.

 

Hope you have a great day! 

[[je...]]

Hi Buddies,

 

I just looked at my calendar and realized Ive been in this wave for about 3 weeks now.. It has been cycling all over the place--started with nerve pain, hands and feet completely numb, body weakness, joint and muscle pain, then I got apathetic, sad/lonely feeling, health anxiety, head pressure and the back of my brain is burning and tingling--oh yeah and the physical exhaustion. Last night I got a moment of clarity and realized this is all w/d because for a while there I thought I MUST have a serious illness. This morning I woke to heart palps! I don't get heart palps EVER, so it just confirmed to me that yes, this crazy ride Im on is all w/d. I will say that Iam able to function through this wave, and that I haven't been bed ridden--couch bound yes, but not bed ridden. Also, I wasn't thrown into full on depression but more of a sad/apathetic blah mood. So, I guess those are improvements--not much but I'll take it. I broke down yesterday and had myself a good cry, Im just sad that we are all still dealing with this... Im so thankful for this forum, otherwise Im sure I would be on some sort of drug or worse. Im in need of a hug..  Jenny