12-18 month support

[[mr...]]

Hi all,

 

Drew's post reminded me to stop in and say hi

 

I skimmed through many of the posts to catch up, as I was traveling this weekend.

 

In a few words, I am doing well, all things considered My "cycle' started today, with minimal uptick - I am so grateful, as it felt like this day was a long way off yet. Very grateful for the recovery that is happening all the time.

 

Garton, Floc, & others: the feeling of "physically well but mentally still healing" is one that I experienced very much the past few months. Just recently, this has lifted even more and I find myself much more mentally "stable" consistently - less "swayed" by "scary" commercials/shows/reports/etc (drew), less "dark" thoughts, more capable of handling more/doing more, having "desire" and "motivation" more, etc. We are healing, no doubt.

 

My break is over; back to work now

 

Love to you,

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Hi Mrs., ....nice to see you...wondered what you were up to. You sound very good...thanks for the upbeat post.. we needed to hear of healing today. Happy to hear that you are back at work and doing well.. keep it going sista.  ..coop

[[He...]]

Hi everyone,

 

I hope you are doing ok. After a somewhat dicey start with some physical anxiety (due to my period starting), my day has been really good today. Nothing particularly big happened, just a regular day teaching, but I felt good the whole day!

 

I'll be hitting the 19th month mark this Sunday and I think I have turned a pretty big corner with that last huge wave I experienced. I still have some doubts/fear about truly being healed by 24 months, but I think that stems from being only a few weeks removed from that wave. It's that not trusting my body thing, but like all other symptoms, I'm sure it will go away in time.

 

I'm starting to feel like I'm coming back to myself in an authentic way, not just faking it. Maybe after my many many months of "faking it until I make it" I am finally shifting into "making it"?  It's premature to positively declare that, but what I DO know is that I am enjoying music, I am dealing with stressors, I am laughing more, I enjoy being alone, I enjoy being with people, I am remembering how it feels to be content. Reacquainting myself to the authentic me after 5 years of being dulled down by klonopin and another year and a half of struggling through withdrawal symptoms....priceless! I'm starting to believe in my soul that this is going to be absolutely worth it when it's over.

 

Love to you all!

[[dr...]]

Nova-hope you're feeling better

 

HH-you are in the homestretch.  Doing great!

 

Hi mrs

 

Coop-like the photo

 

Gm, sky, lm, Jenny and everyone else I hope all is well

 

 

I had a decent day.  Had a two hour appt with a tough client.  Had chest pain and some fidgety stuff but it passed.  After the meeting my head felt fried and my body was exhausted.  I see I'm now able to handle things that used to be pure panic really well but I'm fried right after.  Felt the same way after jogging two miles yesterday.  After that appt I had one in a clients house for another two hours. He's a retired cardiologist.  Lol.  I drank an espresso and had a wonderful time.  Just recently I would have been sweating and panicky.  I had some Gi pain and bloating but I deal.  After I got home I did a three mile hike up a decent hill.  All in all I'm healing and still out of that wave. 

[[mr...]]

Ooooh, dat's a good post, HH!

 

Coop, thanks for the post Life is returning to normal - thank you Lord!! How are you feeling? I hope a little better

 

Sleep well gang!

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

HH, Your post is wonderful!...You do sound like you are rouNing the home stretch...so happy to hear that things are good again .. You are so close to healing ...very encouraging for the rest of us...thank you for posting...Wishing you absolute healing....coop

[[Co...]]

Drew,...you are pretry amazing...you sound so good and so 'can do' even with sx. ....I also still feel fried after a push with sx. and completely tired. A very good friend came over to my house yesterday and we had a wonderful long visit with a lot of animated conversation....and some emotional conversation ( her mother is not well)  I love this friend and feel  completely comfortable with her but I had increased head pressure and d/r with our visit . ...

......You are rounding a corner too Drew. So good to hear that...coop

[[dr...]]

Thx coop!  What I find very encouraging is that the fried feeling after we push is at such a higher stress level before we fry than before. Make sense?  

 

[[Co...]]

Drew, yes...it makes complete sense. Last year at this time getting my dog out for walks was an act of courage. I was so scared all the time and dizzy . Pathetic but true..I was afraid to leave my bed. ....Now even on bad days we go out 3/4 times a day and I can manage most of the normal things of life like shopping cooking recently going to movies , going out for coffee etc etc but I often still have the sx that you speak of while doing those every day things. I want to get to the place where I am doing those things without the sx...

.....My wave is lifting, but it has been 10 days since my last window and all of Jan I was getting windows or sunbreaks almost every 2/3 days...until this last wave. So really hoping for that pattern of windows/sunbreaks 2 or 3 times a week to return.

......coop

[[Sk...]]

Hi everyone,

 

I hope you are doing ok. After a somewhat dicey start with some physical anxiety (due to my period starting), my day has been really good today. Nothing particularly big happened, just a regular day teaching, but I felt good the whole day!

 

I'll be hitting the 19th month mark this Sunday and I think I have turned a pretty big corner with that last huge wave I experienced. I still have some doubts/fear about truly being healed by 24 months, but I think that stems from being only a few weeks removed from that wave. It's that not trusting my body thing, but like all other symptoms, I'm sure it will go away in time.

 

I'm starting to feel like I'm coming back to myself in an authentic way, not just faking it. Maybe after my many many months of "faking it until I make it" I am finally shifting into "making it"?  It's premature to positively declare that, but what I DO know is that I am enjoying music, I am dealing with stressors, I am laughing more, I enjoy being alone, I enjoy being with people, I am remembering how it feels to be content. Reacquainting myself to the authentic me after 5 years of being dulled down by klonopin and another year and a half of struggling through withdrawal symptoms....priceless! I'm starting to believe in my soul that this is going to be absolutely worth it when it's over.

 

Love to you all!

 

HH, great post.

 

It just reminded me of one thing; I don't think I have healed yet, but life is back. In all of this, sometimes I manage to watch a film, that is a lot, but  it is not a regular thing by any means. I do manage to laugh, and a lot too. I go out and do almost normal things. Yes,t here is tons of madness in between all that, but a year ago there was only the suffering and the madness. 

My face looks like I have aged ten years, it's not my benzo eyes saying that, it's mr Sky who just can't believe how my face mirrors exactly what is going on . But I do know that will get better.

 

But on a good day, I am even able to write on this keyboard, albeit very slowly.

 

Anyway, yesterday I went to bed so early, I was so tired and had pains everywhere but at least, there was no mental anguish and I will take pain over mental any day. I felt like I had had a bad beating.

 

A couple of months ago I could not have read some posts without my head spinning terribly if there weren't any paragraphs. So I know I have come a long way, but it's a hard process all the same.

 

I am so glad to have my life back, benzos had changed me and my personality and my life was falling apart. I was about to lose mr SKy before, for crying out loud ! I am glad not to be in  coma anymore, I am  glad  of many  things. ON the day when I am well, I am so well.

 

Sorry for rambling, HH's post inspired me !

 

HAve a nice day.

[[sa...]]

HH -- good to hear you are doing better. I feel the same way. This last wave passed and I feel much better now. I'm gong to my son's IEP meeting this morning, which is something I could not do before maybe a month ago. I think life is slowly coming back. I don't think I'm done with waves though. I'm trying to do as much as I can now though. A little exercise later today for the first time. Hopefully doesn't rev met up. That's what I'm seeing -- that I don't get a revved up as I use to with every little thing.

[[He...]]

Good morning,

 

Actually, I am wondering if they ARE good mornings. How are your mornings, generally? Mornings are my worst time. They used to be full of bad anxiety, but now it seems to be more physical symptoms, like some burning nerves and that weird squeezing sensation in my torso and head, and a heatwave or two. Usually by the time I get to work, or shortly thereafter, it is mostly gone.

 

I hate feeling like this in the morning.

 

Anyone else?

 

Wishing you all a great day!

 

 

[[Co...]]

HH, yes...in this wave ( a week now...after 3 weeks of good), I am waking up with dread and depression much like acute. Discoursging. Like you, after I have been up and about for an hour or so it gets better. In acute I had the classic w/d mornings from blue hell and had to fly out of bed the moment I woke up. I am now doing that again. It helps. Morning has always been my favorite part of the day and I am usually at my best in the morning. ...I will be so glad to see this current wave roll out. It seems particularly long. ...Looking g forward to Spring and better days.

.....Sky, we will get our mornings back. Time marches on and each day we are closer. ...Hoping your (and mine) morning opens up to a very good day....coop

[[Co...]]

*.. HH...that post was directed to you, but I adressed Sky in it too....cog fog here....and posting and listening to the news at the same time... obviously my brain can't do that yet*....have a very good day HH .....coop

[[Co...]]

Sass....you are sounding so much better than you were a couple of months ago...so glad to see it. IEP meetings are stressful even when we dont have benzo w/d along for the meeting. Wishing you well ....coop

[[sa...]]

IEP went well. 10 people in a room and I was able to keep it together. I haven't been to one in two years. So I think now when I'm not in a wave, I'm pretty good. Mornings are better. I don't get the anxiety in the AM as bad as I use to. I think since November things have changed a bit. Better baseline. I still go to acute in a wave. I also tend not to do as well in the second half of each month. I track my days and there is a bit of a cycle to this where I'm pretty good the first half of the month and bad in the second have with bad waves then.

 

It did feel good to be out in the world though. I'm still planning on returning to work Monday or Tuesday as long as I get a decent day and no wave. I'm nervous about that though. It's weird not having been there for 10 months. Also wondering what people will think of me.

 

 

[[Co...]]

Sass,....so glad you posted again, you describe the " return to acute" in a wave so perfectly. ...It is also wierd that you mention better days at the beginning of the months. I have noticed that as well, but I thought it was just my imagination. Going back to work is so huge. I am getting ready to return to my grandson's classroom as a volunteer. Every time I get a wave my confidence wobbles. ...Sass.. I am so encouraged by your post and so happy for you that you are getting back into your life. ....coop

[[sa...]]

Green -- The nice thing is that the beginning of the month use to be bad, but now it's good along with most of the middle. My stats that last three months are 11 good days out of the first 15 and 4-5 good in the back 15 days. Back side is where I'm getting the acute waves that stop me from doing everything. All the nausea, fear etc...

 

I hope I'm not setting myself up for disaster with work. I planned the come back at the beginning of the month to give me the best shot of going back on a good day. I figure once I'm back if I get a bad day it may be more manageable. I couldn't return on a bad day. That would be a disaster.

 

 

[[Co...]]

Sass,...I notice that we are only days apart in our jump date. I jumped on Dec 3 /2014....My current experience is very similar to yours....better, but still acute in waves, not work ready on bad days, managing day to day life, health fears, increased good days that sometimes come in 2 day strings with a not so good day or two in between, and the first 2 weeks or so of the month good ...followed by some longer wavy strings at the end week/s of the month. That pattern of good beginning of the month- not so good end of the month pattern is so strange.. Luke the whole thing start to finish is not bat strange.  Thanks for the reply Sass.. so helpful. ...Wishing you sunbreaks through this last week of Jan.....coop

[[Co...]]

*Dec 3...2013*...I celebrated one year off this Dec. *....not navigating the qwerty this morning..

[[be...]]

I'm with you guys on the mornings. However I must say they are getting better. This time last year it was rough getting my stiff body out of bed. I would wake up on auto pilot and walk like the tin man to the living room sofa where I would just sit and stare out the window. Now when I wake up I actually yawn and stretch, I go turn the tv on to hear the morning news... last year I couldn't watch tv.

I still have the morning anxiety and pain but it is very slowly getting better.

 

I can feel that spring will be my turning point. I can't wait to wake up to the birds singing in the sunshine and warm air. I won't be looking out the window at them, I will be outside feeding the birds and the ducks on the pond . I'm so excited for spring!!

Hugs!!

[[Co...]]

Buelah,...you are sounding so close to the end of this rocky travel. You had such a hard time. I am so happy for you that you can feel healing and trust that spring is going to be a spring of complete healing. Are you at month 17/18?...I am so hoping to be where you are in another 3 months. I really thought that I was getting close for the first 3 weeks of this month, but now I am 8 days into a wave that is acut-ish. I thought it was lifting last night.  but not so much.

.....We are getting uncharacteristic spring like weather here in my part of the PNW....eastern Washington . ..I actually did hear birds out the other day and we have had Temps in the 55s .. so nice to take my dog out. ...You live by a pond? ...nice.

  .......So nice to read of your improvement...you are going to have a great spring... a few more weeks.  Love to you Buelah....coop

[[Wh...]]

Wow! I am so glad I found this thread! I am 13 months off Ativan and 9 months off Ambien. I can't decide which one is causing my issues! I tapered part of my Ambien while I was tapering Ativan, so my last 5 mg of Ambien seemed a moot point. I slept better after that, just had a little irritability. But the waves from either still come. This last wave came with a vengeance!

 

For the most part, I have a few day wave each month, but nothing too extreme until this month. I felt wonderful! I have been doing nutritional cleansing which could be part of the massive wave I am in, but I want to lose the weight I gained after I stopped taking the meds! When I am feeling good, I have absolutely no symptoms, I am happy, I have a full time job, help my husband run a business, take my kids to their sport activities, and run my own hobby business on the side. I am happy, happy, happy!

 

But, when this last wave started, I lost it! Made the mistake of going to the doctor, only to have her tell me, "well your heart rate is a little fast...follow up with a cardiologist"  . But when I take my heart rate 50 other times during the day, it's fine and all my blood work came back normal. So I am guessing, this is withdrawal...again...It seems as though I have forgotten what withdrawal was. Call it my own PTSD of sorts! Nonetheless, I have been hit with massive health anxiety, racing heart/heart palpitations, muscle tension, head pressure, inner vibrations, nausea, wooziness, muscle spasms, insomnia, and fatigue. Its been almost 3 weeks of this now and I just keep hoping that I will wake up "tomorrow" and it will be over. I am still waiting for my "tomorrow". This thread atleast calms in knowing that this is normal.

Thanks for starting it!

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... this neck and shoulder tension is driving me nuts ... and getting slowly worse over the last week ... and now seems to be affecting the back of my throat ... and none of my usual "interventions" seem to be helping ...

 

I posted a query out on the big board ...

 

Sorry I haven't been around much the last couple of days ... this is quite annoying ...

 

If anyone has a suggestion or comments I would appreciate it ... heat, arnica, showers, relaxation ... no effect ...

 

[[Co...]]

Why,...welcome to the thread. You are in the right place. Any one of us who are in the second year could have written your post. Many of us have been hit with a mini-acute wave somewhere after the 12 month mark, but are logging  improvement in between the days of sx. I think it is very telling and reassuring that in a string of good days you are " happy happy happy". I think ( hope ) that whoever we were before benzos is who will be after healing...minus some wear and tear from w/d. Your post sounds very similar to what we are all experiencing to some level or another.

.....I am just a few days from stepping into month 15 and am plowing through a too long house visit from acute 2.0 ....I was gaining the best improvement yet at the beginning of Jan ( month 14). ...windows, sunbreaks and some effortless mind days in 1or 2 day stretches every 3 or 4 days. I thought I was at a reliable 95% . ....Then an 8 day wave that is just now trying to lift. All the sx that you mention. I also feel traumatized by the long let up and recurrent of sx. Take comfort in the fact that you look like most of us here. ...As for your rapid heart rate. If I understand you correctly, it comes down when you are not at the doctor's office. My heart rate has bouts of 80-90....also goes up at the physician's office...or even thinking about the doctor. My b/p does the same thing. At home , if not in an anxiety it is 115/70...go to the doctor it is 150-160/ 90...same if I am having anxiety or panic. I take a very small dose of atenolol ( a crumb off of a 6 mg half tab) on an as needed basis. I asked my doctor not to make me take a b/p reading in the office and I monitor it at home and take my previous 3 days readings in . The further out I go the fewer b/p and heart rate spikes I have. The atenolol helps my heart rate too. Hot Epsome salts /lavender bath soaks also help both. ..

.....As I read through success stories it seems that the average /typical healing time is somewhere between 18-24 months. Some months back one of our buddies posted an article written by a physician who specializes in medication addiction/dependency w/d . He is Canadian and is convinced that true healing ( including resuming a normal life and work) requires 24 months. ...but in my experience the second year, though still difficult does not look nearly as bad as year one. My waves are still full of acute like sx but they ( up until this one) are shorter in duration and further apart with better baseline and more frequent windows and sunbreaks.

  ...I know you will find support and good information on this thread, it is manned by hugely caring compassionate smart and wise people....hoping your wave passes soon....cooperten