12-18 month support

[[Mi...]]

I have no recent updates I'd like to post, I have no words of wisdom, I didn't even read the posts from the last few days.  I have nothing to say except for this small blurb about my day, and soon to be a hellish night.

 

Everything went wrong today, almost crashed my truck into a dingbat who ran a light this afternoon, doctor couldn't get my sons script correct, went back and forth between doc and pharmacy for 2 hours till that was corrected, my neck and back hurt from doing storm prep, NOW I need to prepare for 24 hours of plowing in a blizzard over here in Mass.  All my long lost symtoms are suddenly back.  I'm super nervous, jittery, totally brain dead, DP, head pressure, head pain, burning mouth....yada yada yada. 

 

I have access to ativan....the thought is strong.....I would love to take a single pill and make plowing in this blizzard so much less intimidating and stressful.  I just want the anxiety to go away!  Will one dose 15 months out totally ruin my progress?  I'm strong enough to resist this urge but for some reason I'm posting this thought for all to read.  I think I know why I'm doing it, and I'm very sure I know the reply you folks will give me.  Won't be hitting the roads for another 5-6 hours so hopefully a miracle window comes along and saves me from this bad dream I'm living in.  I'll tell you what, this chamomile tea sure as shit ain't cutting it!!!  I need a wave.....of mellowness to wash over me.

[[Co...]]

MikeJ. , ...man oh man...my heart is with you! I have been listening to the news all day. Praying for everyone in the path . ....Just my opinionn, but I would do anything before taking an ativan ( same med I w/d from)  I have been exactly where you are...wondering about a rescue dose in an extreme minute. I was medically reinstated at month 6 for 3 days and I believe it set me back. Many BBs have used a rescue dose from time to time...some say it didn't effect their w/d ...others say it made things worse.  So it's a crap shoot. .

.    I have used benedry a couple of times for crazy ongoing panic and it helped...not proud to say that but it was a better choice than a benzo. A once or twice  dose does not require gradual weaning. My best relief has been beta blocker use for panic. I was prescribed beta blocker for b/p spikes and was eventually able to use it only for panic ( which sends my b/p to the 180 /90 range). beta blockers take a little longer to back down the panic but it is very effective. Some physicians prescribe propanolol ( beta blocker) for situational anxiety/panic. .  In no way am I suggesting medication ..but all of us had moments of sheer panic and desperation. I would try one of these first .  You have come so so far and so recently you posted a near success story. ...Having said all of that, I am so thinking of you in the mess back east. Wishing you safety...keep us posted..  coop

[[Co...]]

Sky, ...I don't think any of us are going to be protracted. We have all experienced signs of healing...it's just all so unpredictable .... and it takes so long ...way to long. ...You have been so brave through so much. I am remembering your posts a few months back when you were having days on end of heart sx.  I really don't know how any of us do this. Before benzo w/d I would have been racing to urgent care with any one of these s/x...now I just wait it out because I have had the s/x for so long over and over that I know it will go away in time....So looking forward to not living like this anymore for any of us. ....We are getting closer and closer every day....Sleep well Sky....coop

[[Mi...]]

Thanks Coop.  I don't think I want a crap shoot to decide whether I have set myself back or not.  Getting set back would be a very depressing thing.  These last couple weeks have been mediocre enough, I don't need anymore problems.  Another thing, I think I would feel totally embarrassed (to myself) if I took a rescue dose.  To me that would be a real showing of weakness.  During the last 15 months I have been many things, weak is not one of them.

 

Thank you for getting the urge out of my head.  I was expecting a bigger slap across the face, but your slap appears  sufficient!  lol 

[[Co...]]

Mike...lol...it would never be my intention to ' slap' anyone in the face. Believe me, every time I have an anxiety or panic I fantasize about the months following my initial prescribed ativan stopped my anxiety dead in its tracks. I thought it was a miracle drug. But in truth it was only a matter of weeks before it was not working and it took bigger doses ...eventually any dose just increased my anxiety/panic and brought all the other s/x of tolerance. Now I try to remember that it made things worse not better. Even when the cardiologist insisted that I reinstate for 3 days until I could get an appointment, the ativan didn't help me. ...

.....You are definitely not weak.  None of us are. You are not weak to consider a rescue dose. I think all of us have had at least one moment of unbearable panic in which we thought of it. ....I hope all goes well for you in the storm. ...We had a horrific ice storm here about 18 years ago.  The whole world was frozen solid. Looked like something right out of Twilight Zone. The trees were dripping with frozen icecicles ..power lines down everywhere. 10 days of no power...We had a 2 year old on nebulizer treatments for an upper respiratory infection....so....thinking of you....coop

[[Mi...]]

Thanks again, always thinking of you folks as well....

 

Gonna try to get some sleep before the insanity starts.  Hopefully I wake up a new man at midnight.

[[He...]]

Good evening,

 

Today was just OK, not a wide open window, nor anything too terrible. I'm just rather blah.  Bluesy, I guess. I have had some times of just feeling weird, some chest tightness, some random nerve pain and zinging. I think it's some of the creepy agitated feeling Peace spoke of, not anxiety but definite unease.  I wish my nervy stuff and other weird sensations wouldn't be primarily in my chest. I'm (mostly!) relieved of my heart attack fear after wearing the halter, but I still hate feeling anything "off" around my torso. I'm really tired from my weekend and I'll be heading to bed early tonight.

 

I have to go to the dentist tomorrow to see about a tooth that started getting sore a few days ago. UGH!! I have major dental work fear! The funny thing is my dentist is actually a friend of mine and his wife is one on my best friends....and I'm still scared to go. Lol. Tomorrow he is just going to look at it and tell me what needs to be done, and I'm hoping it's nothing too drastic.

 

The good news to report is that I'm getting chunks of time throughout the day where I don't even think about w/d. I've yet to have an entire day, but several hours at a time is a great start. That is probably the most significant change after my last brutal wave.

 

I hope all the East Coasters are staying safe with this blizzard. 

 

We are one more day closer to 100%! I can't wait until we are all there!!  It's closer than we think.

[[pe...]]

Thinking of you, Mike. There is noway I could plow during a snow storm even in perfect health. Bless you. Report back later and let us know how you are.

 

Hi HH,

Sorry you're feeling the funk, but so glad you're getting those effortless mind hours. This whole thing takes too damn long and I have to remind myself of all the healed people who say just when I thought I couldn't go on, it all went away. Complete healing could come at any moment.

 

Coop,

Bless you for your new sweet picture. Didn't think I could adore you anymore than I do and then you go post that sweet picture. I'm sorry you're also getting the yuck. Oh, my. Tonight it's claws are wrapped in so tightly that I'm yelling for mercy. Not because my symptoms are worse than they've been, they're not. They're better! But it doesn't seem to matter to my tired soul. I just want a place where it all stops and have to remind myself that this is how we feel and we keep going anyway.

 

I truly love you all and am praying for our healing and happiness. Let tomorrow bring light to all these dark places.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Hi Peace,....so glad to see you here. You are sounding better! ....yep, I had the same yuk you had last week. I am just emerging ( I hope) from a 2 day wave. It started with no appetite, depression and intrusive thoughts of death.  This far out it catches me off gaurd. Today the dizziness and panic came to play, but it only lasted about 30 minutes and things are starting to look better.  Thank you for your kind words. That is my littlest grandson..he is 4 now. I really miss their baby days...

......Peace, you are gaining g on this...we all are. You continue to astound me with your overnight field trips with 30 kindergarten kiddos and working and maintaining social connections... So glad you are back on today Mighty Girl...coop

[[Co...]]

HH...you are sounding better too. I take lessons from you and Peace on courage. I have been putting off the dentist since September. It is wonderful that you are getting hours of sunbreaks. A signal of healing for sure. ..I am so glad for you that your heart tests all came back good. Health fears sometimes have nothing to do with reality. I think they are a common stand alone sx. When I am in a window I do not have health fear at all.  You are so much better than several weeks ago when you were awake in the night trying not to go to er.  This stuff is so brutal and so absolutely unpredictable. You would think 12 months would be enough punishment.. A few more months land we will be at the end of this...A big comfort to see you on the thread tonight.. coop

[[...]]

Sheesh, hard times all around I guess!

 

Coop, it's nice to hear from you! Sorry it's cause you are backsliding!

 

I had about a month of no symptoms, but stress is a kicker!

 

Mike, hope you're getting sleep! I'm SO happy to hear you didn't take a rescue dose! I really think you would have felt regret (and possibly worse)! Check back and let us know how you are!

 

Wow! We've sure been through so much together everyone! We share deep thoughts and emotions that we can't/don't share with others! Everyone is so Awesome!

 

Funny to think that we could have family that we know their names, but don't really get to know that well...here we have perfect strangers, who have become like a family, and we don't know many of their names but some of their deepest emotions and sufferings!

 

Be well!

 

[[Sk...]]

Sheesh, hard times all around I guess!

 

Coop, it's nice to hear from you! Sorry it's cause you are backsliding!

 

I had about a month of no symptoms, but stress is a kicker!

 

Mike, hope you're getting sleep! I'm SO happy to hear you didn't take a rescue dose! I really think you would have felt regret (and possibly worse)! Check back and let us know how you are!

 

Wow! We've sure been through so much together everyone! We share deep thoughts and emotions that we can't/don't share with others! Everyone is so Awesome!

 

Funny to think that we could have family that we know their names, but don't really get to know that well...here we have perfect strangers, who have become like a family, and we don't know many of their names but some of their deepest emotions and sufferings!

 

Be well!

 

 

GMIT, I was thinking about your window, I don't know how you managed. I would be heartbroken in your shoes, but you are handling it quite well. 

 

I was heartbroken after a one day window closed !

 

It's true, we do know so much about each other !

 

 

[[...]]

How are you today Sky?

 

[[sa...]]

Watching the snow fall today. Already have about 15 inches and it's suppose to snow all day. I'm finally out of my wave today. My confidence needs a rebuild after going through that one. I'll do some shoveling later, which should be ok. I'll take it slow since exercise sometimes revs me up. Last year this time, there is no way I could shovel or do much at all, so I'm grateful for the healing I have so far.

 

Stay warm and safe everyone. Praying for windows for everybody!

[[ga...]]

MikeJ....I can so relate to what you are feeling.  At almost 19 months I still have days where I so want to pop an Ativan to help me sleep.  So far, I have been able to resist the urge and I think in the long run that gives me an increased feeling of empowerment.  The little voice in my head says, "don't do it"  you will feel horrible having given in.  That voice carries so much weight.  I know it is dead on right and I MUST avoid giving in.  Actually, pretty easy since I don't have a bottle of pills at home.

 

I wish you the best of luck as you plow through the storm.  You will make it though maybe not feeling great but you WILL do it!

 

Garton

[[pe...]]

How is it possible to have equal parts 'give up' and 'fight' sounding off in my brain? Even with the clear improvement I've seen, I just don't want to do this anymore. I imagine this is how small children feel when they don't want to go to school, the doctor, etc. And they throw themselves on the floor and won't budge. I just don't wanna. I am tired and tired of my brain telling me stories I don't want to hear.

The 'fight' part must be at 51% because for some reason I'm still going.

 

Sasquach,

I'm glad you're coming out of the wave. Take it easy with the snow.

 

Coop

I'm really not as brave as you think. I just can't spend lots of time alone, so work is the alternative since no one is going to come to my house and keep me company for the next 12 months or however long this takes…. I have been avoiding the dentist since January 2014. I have an appointment next month to check out some tooth pain. And nooooooo overnight with kindergarteners, they were third graders. A whole different ballgame, or plane - as we say in the biz.

You sound really good, overall. Hurray for your strong baseline!

 

HH -

Good luck at the dentist. How great that your dentist is a friend. It will be good to get your tooth looked at and get some ideas for what's next.

 

Hope everyone has a better day than yesterday!

Peace2

[[Sk...]]

How are you today Sky?

 

 

A lot of funny stuff from my heart today. It's like my symptoms give themselves turns, " Oh, I will fill in for you, don't worry ! " 

 

Hope you east coast guys are managing  !

 

Peace, equal parts sounds right to me. Improvement and despair. Ignore despair as much as you can.

 

Come here and tell us the stories your brain comes up with ! 

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Tuesday, Jan. 27

 

Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again.

 

Sarah Ban Breathnach

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... from the East Coast Canadian Blizzard ... well, just a medium blizzard around here ... all is shut down ... glad I am on this side of the window ...

 

Been travelling in Coop's Escher land ... bound and determined to say this is not a maze ... rather a labyrinth of the healing kind ...

 

And Peace, I know your give up/fight back and forth ... as long as I have 50.1 percent on the steadfast side all will be well ... eventually ...

 

Hope you all have a quiet day ...

 

[[fl...]]

This is why I can't write a success story:  Feel great physically, am fully functional, feel totally healed, EXCEPT, I am still struggling mightily with out of control "what-if" thinking,  thinking about death, (as in, we're all eventually going to die), and worrying about my health (which is currently good), and the health of my family.  Ruminating on how awful it would be to lose my family and be alone, also dwelling on the suffering in the world.  I would like to think this is still benzo w/d, but I'm really wondering if it's just me.  Can anyone relate?  Thanks for listening.

[[No...]]

Floc ... I am not physically free from this yet ... and it is good to hear that you are ... I am assuming that your thoughts seem over the top to you ... and I believe these kinds of thoughts by nature are pretty normal ...

 

Is there someone in your community you can speak with to help you get the measure of your concern ... within your church ... within a circle of friends ... or perhaps some type of counselor or therapist ... perhaps a non-drug prescribing one ...

 

Perhaps expressing your thoughts and concerns within your community will enable you to become comfortable with them and not feel they are by nature abnormal ...

 

Hope this helps a bit ... and if I have missed the mark, sorry ...

 

[[Sk...]]

FLoc, I don't remember exactly at which month you were, I know you feel practically healed but I would give myself time if I were you. THis sounds like benzo wd to me, what confuses you is that you don't have all the other symptoms but endless worrying and what ifs are something most of us seem to have in common.

 

Wait a little, then you might consider taking Michael Nova's advice.

 

At 15 months out, I have these thoughts round the clock, so  I know how much it hurts and cripples a person to be plagued this way.

 

Good night folks, I am off to bed, had a long day of crushing anxiety and some other things out of sync but I have had worse days. 

 

Take care and heal away.

[[No...]]

Sky ... hope you get a good rest ... we all need that ...

 

[[Co...]]

Floc,...I am just a few weeks ahead of you and still struggling with exactly the same thing. Mostly better...but the intrusive health fears and obsessive death/dying thoughts are hanging on. I had a few months of it constantly in months 4-6 and then it let up to just a come and go sx. In month 12/13 it started coming back. Obviously it is always worse in a wave. I a full out window I don't get it. I am hanging onto that ...that in a window I don't have it. I didn't have it before benzos. I am holding onto believing that whatever we didn't have before benzos we won't have after healing. I am so sorry to hear that you are enduring this torture.  It is in a class all of its own...I treasure the days that I don't have it.. hold on Floc, I think this is a sx and not a permanent irrational state of mind.  Wishing you sunbreaks and relief from the looping dark thoughts....coop

[[Co...]]

Nova, thank you for the inspiration of the morning...yes, expect goodness...and yes, a labyrinth is a much more hopeful path than a maze....You sound better today....must be all the healthy cooking. Like you, I putter putter to stay distracred. I ' cook'  kind of and clean clean clean and take the dog out ...and out ...and out ....and out . It usually works unless I am in a deep wave. At least I have a clean house and a happy dog.. but a pretty boring life. Glad you didn't get the front side of the clipper. ...It is uncharacteristically spring like in my city. I am feeling the pull towards getting back into the world ( as much as an introvert can feel pulled to jump in).

..  ..Thank you Nova for staying on the thread with us. Your words are so inspiring .....coop