12-18 month support

[[be...]]

Hey garton,

 

Im 18 mo and a week.  I'm sorry you are having to deal eith the move for your dad.  There are so many emotions tied to our aging parents. 

 

I share a lot of your continued sx and really empathise. Never quite expected this result.  But at least one thing is for sure, at least i will never ever ever ever ever have to taper off benzos again in my life.

 

Chin up

 

 

Wwwi

 

I will be 18 months off in a couple of weeks and share the same mental symptoms. It feels like I'm in two different worlds, healing and not healing.

Yep, I never never never never never have to do this again. When I'm healed enough I plan on shouting it from a mountain top.

This to shall pass.

Hugs.

[[sa...]]

Struggling today. Worst wave since month 11. Crushing head pressure, ringing in the ears and nausea. I was doing real good in Nov and Dec. I had gained back some weight and was planning to go back to work in middle February. I got the flu last Monday and that lasted until Saturday. I've been in this wave since then. I can't eat. I lost all the weight I worked to hard to gain.

 

I can't believe I'm still living like this. This is month 14 and still I can't function. I think this has really worn me down. I think things are improving and then I get an acute wave where the sxs are as bad as day one. Lots of crying and frustration. My family needs me to get back to work, but I can't even get out of bed today. The nausea is crippling as is the raging fear. So disappointed. Where is God in all of this? Why does he let this happen to us. I just don't understand...

[[dr...]]

sas-when we get sick it throws us back into waves.  That is how we know we are completely healed...that we get sick and are just sick.  No bonus of being thrown into a wave.  Baylissa specifically mentions that in her book.  Hope you feel better soon.

[[mr...]]

sas-when we get sick it throws us back into waves.  That is how we know we are completely healed...that we get sick and are just sick.  No bonus of being thrown into a wave.  Baylissa specifically mentions that in her book.  Hope you feel better soon.

 

Sasq, I will second this and make an extra mention that this seems especially true with a "tummy bug", and seems to especially aggravate fear/anxiety/nausea etc. It is my opinion & thought that this might be due to there being GABA receptors in the "gut" Healinghope literally just experienced this a couple weeks back (she is also 18+ months). Northofhere experienced it Dec 2013/Jan 2014. You can go back to read their posts, and you'll see what I'm talking about I'll bet you'll feel like they were writing about you!

 

I mention all this for two reasons. One is that you can set your mind at ease, that this wasn't just some "randomness" And two, know that you'll be back to "baseline" very soon - a couple weeks, at most I'm sure. I doubt very much that you'll need to adjust your schedule for beginning work in February - you just wait and see! 

 

Love ya buddy Just sit tight, and ride it out It means NOTHING in regard to your healing, IMO

 

Mrs. 

[[sa...]]

Thanks Drew / Mrs

 

I hope the old baseline comes back real quick. I just get to hoping that my bad days won't be so bad any more, but I've found that bad days just are not improving. Less of them, but they don't get better. I guess that's the way it is until they are gone. On a good now, the good days are much better. Just need more and more of them.

[[Co...]]

Sass, ..I am 14.5 months off and what you describe, bad days are still bad but more good days ,mirrors my baseline improvements. Somewhere towards the end of month 13 and now my good days started getting ' more good' ....I have never had a window or effortless mind day that lasted more than 48 hours, but they are coming closer together. Most of my sx are still waxing and waning...however several of them are getting less intense. The one sx that had me crazed was head pressure from month 6-11.5 It started letting up somewhere in month 12 and now I only get momentary flashes of it. I am so relieved and grateful for it to gone that it makes me  cry . It was one of my worst sx .

.....I think the fact that your good days are increasing in frequency is a very good sign. I have been reading success stories lately and it seems that alot of people do not see completion of healing until 24 months.

....You sound better than you did this Fall. I hope you have a window day tomorrow...Glad to see you on the thread today...coop

[[He...]]

Hi Satch,

Mrs is right. I was hit with the worst wave I can remember last month while I had a stomach virus. It was awful! My physical anxiety was so bad that I almost had my husband take my to the ER on two different occasions.

I think that illness, especially stomach related, can really flare up our symptoms....but they will calm down again.

Hang in there and remember that healing is happening, EVEN when you feel like you're dying.

Hugs,

HH

[[He...]]

Just a check-in:

My 10-day window seems to be closing, and the physical anxiety is back tonight. It started after trying several types of chili tonight at a chili feed. All of a sudden my physical symptoms started to hit: shaking, heart palps, head pressure, stuffed ears, jitters, body aches. It's calmed down again, but I can feel it right under the surface. Yuck.

 

I hope tonight is ok sleep-wise, but I have a feeling it may be a night of abrupt wake ups and cortisol rushes. I'm sure hoping that's not the case!

 

Other than from about 7:30 on, today was a good day. It's sure wonderful to start stringing together good days again!

 

Good night everyone. I am wishing us all a night full of healing sleep!

 

[[Sk...]]

Hi everybody, I am back.

 

I got back on Sunday, it doesn't take 3 days to cross Italy of course ! It has been a bumpy 3 days, emotions running haywire, lots of crying but worse still, crushing anxiety. Yesterday, it got so bad that I couldn't prepare for lessons and had to cancel one lesson for today. My brain just shut down, I was overwhelmed. I was sorry to cancel, I was so proud of the fact that I had never cancelled a lesson, even when I had vertigo and the room would be spinning so badly while I gave lessons.

But it was really necessary, I am so tired, my eyesight has been worse and some things were so hard.

 

The last month was so hard on me, it was an effort I really could not afford.  So I m ust have accumulated  tiredness and now my body says, don't you dare make one more effort. But I was hoping to work more, as last month I worked less.

 

On a negative note, my writing on the keyboard has gone back to being very difficult again. THat disappointed me no end, the improvement had made me see healing on its way.

Healing it still happening, I know that, but not having to make gigantic efforts to write my name, was symbolic for me. It drives me nu ts that the simplest thing becomes rocket science for me. HAve to ask mr Sky to explain an email for me, a software ( why do they have to update them all the time ? ) . All this is small big stuff that only you guys can understand.

 

I read your posts, and all of you echo this. Healing is still quite hard, harder to bare at this point.

 

I must say that I have had an outburst of intrusives, obsessive and catastrophic thoughts. So much DR/ DP. And may I just say, I am so tired of making a tally of this insane stuff.

 

Things are not easy at this stage, but we are tough and we will make through this.

 

  The thoughts, the depression are really hard though.

 

Everybody, hang in there. Your encouragement has helped me so much in this last month.

 

 

 

[[sa...]]

Thanks Coop / Healing

 

I think you are right, the virus does something to the body and puts us in a vulnerable position. I'm in my 4th day of this wave(longest since Sept). Woke up with horrible fear and anxiety pumping through me. Terrible nausea gave way to vomiting. I feel a bit less nauseous after that. No fun though. I did a guided meditation and my light therapy for half an hour today. It helped a little bit. I think on days like this I just need to go to bed and wake up the next day better.

 

For now I'm working from home. Concentration is hard though. I feel like my brain is tangled in spider webs. I'm going to wait a few days before deciding about going back to work. I'd hate to be back feeling like I do write now. I have a lot of fear about the finances at the moment. My wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer that has spread to her spine. She is out of work now and had been supporting us. This is a tough predicament. I can't afford to loose my job, but I'm too sick to return right now. I keep praying healing is soon. I don't feel I can wait 2 years. I won't have a job by then.

[[Gr...]]

Korbe, nice to see you....although I have to correct the my friend Nova's comment..lol...I am far from right about much of anything. I have made every blunder possible in this travel.

....You and I share some pathways here. Congratula tins on getting to 14.5 months out. ...I never thought in a million years that I would still be in this soup past 12 months. Then a BB shared an article by a Canadian addiction expert. The article suggested, with very good theory and research that complete healing typically takes 24 months. So I cried and screamed and then I hunkered down to finding a way to accept that possiblity. It turned out to be oddly liberating as it allowed me 'rearrange' my expectations and I eased up on asking myself why I wasn't healed at 12 months. Like Peace I did hit a wall at 12 months because the 24 month timeline not withstanding ,I had expected to be better than I was .

....I am also in my 60s ( 65)....My windows also began as brief sunbreaks . My best windows and effortless mind days have come along after 12 months and I have yet to have a string of windows lasting much longer than 2.5 days. But I do feel the healing underneath the ongoing sx. I still have bad days , but some sx are fading or outright dropped off. I try to take it one day at a time, but I still have crying days.

....Thank you for mentioning your body pain. It seems that several of us who are early into year 2 are getting hit hard with this. I also take tylenol at a low dose for it at night. It does help my sleep. I am also getting some episodes of restless leg ( sometimes total body) and  burning feet at night. My sx now seem to be more physical and not as hard mentally as in year one.

.....Even though we still have sx and bad days in month 14, we are going to heal too. We still have 9 months to go...kind of a double edged thought..

.....Thanks Korbe for coming on and letting us know how things are going for you. It helps all of us so much to see the ups and downs and healing of our friends.

....Wishing you big sunbreaks that bloom into days long windows...it's coming.....coop

 

Korbe, I'd like to echo Coop's support and good wishes. 

 

Coop, I'm so glad I read this today, for myself, too.  Things are better.  I get into trouble when I try to hurry the process. Like thinking I could possibly do a cycling trip in early March.  I set myself up for this one.  So now I get to move right into:  I can't do this trip, I still feel awful!  Then I get to focus on how horrible I still feel, how much I still can't do.  Which is a killer in w/d.  I may as well just swallow arsenic.  I was almost sitting in a pile of shit crying about my symptoms.  Thanks for posting this.  Back to acceptance, chopping wood, carrying water.  Maybe make some slow cooker chili.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Coop,

I think I'm right where you are today. A little wavy, slightly depressed or apathetic and feeling quite discouraged today. I really think it is so much harder the farther out we get.. I seemed to be more optimistic in the beginning months, but not so much now. Ready for this to end for all of us! Jenny

 

Me, too!

[[Gr...]]

Hi life! Thanks for posting, I'm so glad your doing so well and seeing big improvements. I was just thinking today about how its been 16 months! I can't believe its been this long, but I'm so thankful to have each of you. Jenny 

 

Congratulations on starting your 17th month, Jenny, and Life!

 

Jen, don't be discouraged.  It's always been hard before great healing, great strides in recovery.  And we can never see it happening, until it's happened!

[[ga...]]

sas...I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you going through this.  I just hope to offer some comfort for you in knowing that my thoughts are with you as you deal with everything that is on your plate.  I wish nothing but the best for your wife as she goes through her treatment.  My wife has been through this.  Beat cancer three times now in her mid fifties.  I know it is tough staying strong when in your own battle but hang in there.  My thoughts are with you.  Garton

[[Gr...]]

Hey garton,

 

Im 18 mo and a week.  I'm sorry you are having to deal eith the move for your dad.  There are so many emotions tied to our aging parents. 

 

I share a lot of your continued sx and really empathise. Never quite expected this result.  But at least one thing is for sure, at least i will never ever ever ever ever have to taper off benzos again in my life.

 

Chin up

 

Wwwi

 

Garton, let me add my support to that.  WWWI said it best.

[[Gr...]]

Hey garton,

 

Im 18 mo and a week.  I'm sorry you are having to deal eith the move for your dad.  There are so many emotions tied to our aging parents. 

 

I share a lot of your continued sx and really empathise. Never quite expected this result.  But at least one thing is for sure, at least i will never ever ever ever ever have to taper off benzos again in my life.

 

Chin up

 

 

Wwwi

 

I will be 18 months off in a couple of weeks and share the same mental symptoms. It feels like I'm in two different worlds, healing and not healing.

Yep, I never never never never never have to do this again. When I'm healed enough I plan on shouting it from a mountain top.

This to shall pass.

Hugs.

 

Beulah, I had that same, precise, exact feeling at around 12 months, I felt bad and still felt the healing going on at the same time.  Like having one foot in withdrawal and the other foot getting better.  And when it passed, I had great improvements.  This goes on so long it's a struggle to stay positive.

[[Gr...]]

Struggling today. Worst wave since month 11. Crushing head pressure, ringing in the ears and nausea. I was doing real good in Nov and Dec. I had gained back some weight and was planning to go back to work in middle February. I got the flu last Monday and that lasted until Saturday. I've been in this wave since then. I can't eat. I lost all the weight I worked to hard to gain.

 

I can't believe I'm still living like this. This is month 14 and still I can't function. I think this has really worn me down. I think things are improving and then I get an acute wave where the sxs are as bad as day one. Lots of crying and frustration. My family needs me to get back to work, but I can't even get out of bed today. The nausea is crippling as is the raging fear. So disappointed. Where is God in all of this? Why does he let this happen to us. I just don't understand...

 

Sasq, I doubt if this is going to help, but there's no way I could get up and go to work, and I'm two weeks ahead of you.  You have to be patient.  You will get better.  It's just very hard this far out.

[[Gr...]]

Just a check-in:

My 10-day window seems to be closing, and the physical anxiety is back tonight. It started after trying several types of chili tonight at a chili feed. All of a sudden my physical symptoms started to hit: shaking, heart palps, head pressure, stuffed ears, jitters, body aches. It's calmed down again, but I can feel it right under the surface. Yuck.

 

I hope tonight is ok sleep-wise, but I have a feeling it may be a night of abrupt wake ups and cortisol rushes. I'm sure hoping that's not the case!

 

Other than from about 7:30 on, today was a good day. It's sure wonderful to start stringing together good days again!

 

Good night everyone. I am wishing us all a night full of healing sleep!

 

HH,  food sometimes triggers me, esp. spicy food.  And I'm getting the cortisol wakeups, too -- not as severely as I've had them in the first year, but they're there and they wake me up.  Feel better.

[[Gr...]]

Hi everybody, I am back.

 

I got back on Sunday, it doesn't take 3 days to cross Italy of course ! It has been a bumpy 3 days, emotions running haywire, lots of crying but worse still, crushing anxiety. Yesterday, it got so bad that I couldn't prepare for lessons and had to cancel one lesson for today. My brain just shut down, I was overwhelmed. I was sorry to cancel, I was so proud of the fact that I had never cancelled a lesson, even when I had vertigo and the room would be spinning so badly while I gave lessons.

But it was really necessary, I am so tired, my eyesight has been worse and some things were so hard.

 

The last month was so hard on me, it was an effort I really could not afford.  So I m ust have accumulated  tiredness and now my body says, don't you dare make one more effort. But I was hoping to work more, as last month I worked less.

 

On a negative note, my writing on the keyboard has gone back to being very difficult again. THat disappointed me no end, the improvement had made me see healing on its way.

Healing it still happening, I know that, but not having to make gigantic efforts to write my name, was symbolic for me. It drives me nu ts that the simplest thing becomes rocket science for me. HAve to ask mr Sky to explain an email for me, a software ( why do they have to update them all the time ? ) . All this is small big stuff that only you guys can understand.

 

I read your posts, and all of you echo this. Healing is still quite hard, harder to bare at this point.

 

I must say that I have had an outburst of intrusives, obsessive and catastrophic thoughts. So much DR/ DP. And may I just say, I am so tired of making a tally of this insane stuff.

 

Things are not easy at this stage, but we are tough and we will make through this.

 

  The thoughts, the depression are really hard though.

 

Everybody, hang in there. Your encouragement has helped me so much in this last month.

 

Sky, yes, I'm tired of making the tallies, too.  I'm so sorry, I guess the last month took its toll.  Hopefully you will come home and settle down and feel better soon.  Get some rest.

[[Gr...]]

Thanks Coop / Healing

 

I think you are right, the virus does something to the body and puts us in a vulnerable position. I'm in my 4th day of this wave(longest since Sept). Woke up with horrible fear and anxiety pumping through me. Terrible nausea gave way to vomiting. I feel a bit less nauseous after that. No fun though. I did a guided meditation and my light therapy for half an hour today. It helped a little bit. I think on days like this I just need to go to bed and wake up the next day better.

 

For now I'm working from home. Concentration is hard though. I feel like my brain is tangled in spider webs. I'm going to wait a few days before deciding about going back to work. I'd hate to be back feeling like I do write now. I have a lot of fear about the finances at the moment. My wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer that has spread to her spine. She is out of work now and had been supporting us. This is a tough predicament. I can't afford to loose my job, but I'm too sick to return right now. I keep praying healing is soon. I don't feel I can wait 2 years. I won't have a job by then.

 

Sasq., I am so sorry to hear about your wife.  I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[[be...]]

Green- Thank you. Yes, the feeling of living in two different worlds is no fun. Let's pray healing is around the corner.

Healing, funny you should mention chili. I made a pot of chili last Sunday and woke up Monday in a wave. I started feeling strange before bedtime and knew a wave was ahead of me.

I don't know if it was the onion, chili powder, hot sauce, or what. I have noticed whenever I eat tomato sauces my symptoms flare.

I love chili and I crave it but I think it's another food that will have to be put on the back burner for a while.

These food sensitivities are a real pain.

Be well.

[[sa...]]

Thanks for the prayers gang. I so hope for healing for all of us as soon a possible. Once this is done, there will be nothing in this world that we can not handle. We have been battle tested in the fires of a hell most will never know.

[[mr...]]

Sasq,

 

I have worked my whole way through my taper and withdrawal, with my "least fav" symptoms being fear & panic, followed closely by tachycardia and anxiety.  A few others, if you're into reading posting history: our buddy drew28 on this thread, Northofhere, Sophia, and Schatje...all worked and/or lived life during taper & withdrawal, all had fear/panic/anxiety as their "least fav" (I won't give it the benefit of the doubt in calling it "worst symptoms"). Northofhere commuted one hour each way into a big city for work! Healinghope on here is a fulltime teacher. Also w/ fear/panic as her "least favs".

 

I believe in you buddy. IMO, you can do anything you need to do

 

Mrs.

[[sa...]]

Thanks Mrs. It's not the fear and anxiety that keep me from working. They are horrible symptoms. It's the nausea and vomiting that I get. It comes on strong with any wave. Seem tied to the ringing and pressure I get in my head. In the early days I was throwing up daily. Now its only during bad waves.

 

The problem is that it's hard to be at work feeling like your going to be sick at any moment. In my case, more often than not, i do get sick.

 

Lately I'd been eating better and not getting sick, but now it's back. I just have to see how long it will last. I can't be getting sick at work. That would be horrible. I have lots of meetings and people interactions. I'm hoping to get to a place where I'm not throwing up anymore and then head back to work. I feel I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to get to this point and it keeps blowing up in my face in the form of a horrible wave.

[[mr...]]

Thanks Mrs. It's not the fear and anxiety that keep me from working. They are horrible symptoms. It's the nausea and vomiting that I get. It comes on strong with any wave. Seem tied to the ringing and pressure I get in my head. In the early days I was throwing up daily. Now its only during bad waves.

 

The problem is that it's hard to be at work feeling like your going to be sick at any moment. In my case, more often than not, i do get sick.

 

Lately I'd been eating better and not getting sick, but now it's back. I just have to see how long it will last. I can't be getting sick at work. That would be horrible. I have lots of meetings and people interactions. I'm hoping to get to a place where I'm not throwing up anymore and then head back to work. I feel I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to get to this point and it keeps blowing up in my face in the form of a horrible wave.

 

No pressures And you're right buddy, that is a different story. Is there someone at your workplace that you could talk with, perhaps make some special arrangements? When my withdrawal took a turn for the worse, I came down to the Human Resources department, practically in tears because I thought I was done. I chatted with the HR manager, and found out that I had a whole lot of options available to me. I had the support of a medical professional, and was able to utilize FMLA and move to a reduced part-time schedule of 20 hours per week (with supplemented income) as well as was able to establish some special 'restrictions' while working, in order to accommodate my withdrawal. I stayed on this schedule for six months. I returned to work full time in December, and have been working fulltime since then. I have no idea if there are options like that available to you, but even just a conversation with an appropriate party at work might provide some 'pressure relief' so to speak.

 

I just wanted to share with you my experiences, sasq, just in case there might be somerhng that can help you Either way, I hope you're feeling better quite soon I'm sure you will be!!

 

Mrs.