12-18 month support

[[Co...]]

Peace, ...I lifted this from Nova's previous post...

....." there are no saints or sinners in this work...only wounded survivors"  such a great quote. 

......Wishing you a better day tomorrow...coop

[[He...]]

Peace,

You have come SO far down the healing path! It is so evident to all of us, even if you can't see it right now. It is a long and brutal journey, but you are making it through....we ALL are making it through.

 

I, too, get the fear that it will be ME that is left behind...that I will be THE ONE who doesn't heal. But, that is simply a benzo lie. We WILL heal and we will be better and stronger for doing so.

 

Praying you have a better day tomorrow!

Hugs,

HH

[[dr...]]

Hey Drew ... just curious ... how do you deep clean a coffee maker? ...

 

Good to hear you are having an "effortless" time ... enjoy ... and I am a touch jealous ... 

 

 

I put a vinegar water combo through the brewing cycle several times

 

Ahh...it was one of my best days yet. I want us all to feel so well. That is my wish. We all deserve it. We all have suffered way too much!  I know it can end at any moment but I will have this memory until my next hopeless wave. 

 

Peace-you are doing great.  When we are not well it's frustrating. I was just questioning my sanity a week ago.  Will I be stuck with this terrible health anxiety?  Sick to my stomach every day?  Poof...gone overnight. .

[[Sk...]]

HI guys, I am about to leave and I am swamped in anxiety. It is all quite confusing for my poor addled brain .

 

It's a very emotional moment  for me, my benzo brain sees catastrophe around the corner or much closer ! And I have spent a month saying " I am so sorry " every two words !!! THat and nagging !! Arrgh!!

 

Was it Coop who said she had gone through a period of saying I am sorry to every body all the time ? My mom says " NOt again, please!! " She is such a funny woman, wish I had her sense of irony and was as laid back.

 

Anyway, it is all quite confusing for my poor addled brain .

 

Take care, have a better day everybody.

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning ...

 

In the words of Mary Oliver ...

 

"Wild Geese"

 

You do not have to be good.

 

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

 

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

 

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

 

Meanwhile the world goes on.

 

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

 

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

 

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

 

 

I love Mary Oliver and I love that poem.  Thanks for sharing that, M.

[[Gr...]]

Does anyone here experience, for lack of a better word, flashbacks that are as constant as they are random?  Usually it's remembering things, whether good or bad, but feeling bad about them. Feelings of failure, even when it's not deserved.  It's a combination of flashbacks and constant mind chatter and rarely is it any good. I've used all of the techniques I've learned here, breathing, distracting etc but it doesn't stop. Has anyone found anything that has actually worked for them?

 

Thanks...WWWI

 

Hey, WWWI

 

I have it, yes, and I don't know how to stop it.  It just stops when it stops.  It's like a damned wave.  I had it the first year, worse. In some ways that was easier because my thoughts were so wildly out there, even I knew to ignore them.  Now it's tricky, because the thoughts are almost normal, except they're intense, the memories are random.  But yes, it's a symptom, and just do your best until it goes away.

 

THIS has been my life for the last 14 months !!! It is really awful and at times crippling.

 

BTW, I have not been receving notifications for updates from the thread.

 

I will be leaving my mother's tomorrow, get ready to see me break apart if for no other reason, from exhaustion. BUt of course it's not only that. I hope my mother gets to see me feeling better. Of course in my mind she's on her deathbed, so everything I do has a  finality to it. I feel so guilty at leaving her, but I will come back as soon as possible, things are financially  better  now.

 

But I feel guilty about every single thing these days. My mind is still not working straight.

 

Green, I laughed when I read your thing about your wallet weighing a ton. 

 

My mother is 67, with bad health problems. When we go up the stairs together, I am panting just as much as she is !!! And I am just as slow !! It takes me hours to go up the stairs, mr SKy looks at me in disbelief.

 

Have a better day everybody.

 

Just get home, Sky.

[[Gr...]]

I have been trying, trying to read this feeling inside me. It's like this mid level fear of everything and anger. It's the angry part that's newer and causing discomfort. Because I'm scared of the anger. It feels like so much craziness for my feelings to be out of synch with my surroundings. There is really nothing to be afraid of or angry about. And I sleep. From the time I put myself to bed until my children wake me up in the morning. So, I'm usually woken from a dream and in my dreams, I don't feel these burdensome feelings. In my dreams, my worst symptom is a mild depression. Then I wake up to it and WHAM- I'm back in all the yuck.

 

Thanks for your supportive comments. I do hate that there's so many still suffering but I am honestly scared of being left behind, of being alone

 

Hope today is gentle.

 

I am honestly scared of being left behind, of being alone

 

Never gonna happen.  And you may pull out in front of the pack.  Stay positive.  Keep your eyes on the road.

[[Gr...]]

Sky ... you are doing great ... we do what we can ... we give what we can  ... and I know your heart feels it can do more, be more, give more ... and the heart is always right ... and ... sometimes we have to rein in our giving and take care of ourselves today ... then ... maybe tomorrow we can give some more ...

 

This may be another lesson we are learning ... our "economy" ... learning our boundaries ... our hearts are limitless ... our bodies need to rest from time to time ...

 

Have a good trip "home" ...

 

 

Thanks Michael. You are right, beautifully put.

 

Peace, you are not going to be left behind but the fear is with all of us. Just some days the fear is stronger than others. ANd the rage, the rage is there. We have all had it. It comes and goes. I had so much at your " age", now it is a little better. I am sorry, I know my complaints and worries about my mom remind you of your loss. 

 

Hang in there, this too shall pass.

 

My mom might be better than I realize but I project my anxiety on her.LIke a few  months ago I did with my rage. I mean, in my state I see her much worse than she actually is. I think. But even if it were true, would I want my last words to her to be only nagging ? My nagging is loving nagging, you should do this, why don't you do that ? I am trying to control it a little but it is hard, I see the end of everything in my head. So I feel bad for that too.

 

I wasn't like that before, her being laid back always had a good effect on me and rubbed off on me, but now I am living beyond " rubbing off "

 

This is so not me, it is so wd !! I hate not being able to trust my thoughts, eyes and mind! Anyway now that I leave, I can go back to agonizing about mr Sky dropping dead.

 

Sky,

 

Fairly frequently I dispassionately think about what I will do if someone in my family dies, or if I die.  I don't do health fears, I go straight to death.  I really didn't think about these things so much before w/d.  I think it will go away as we get better.  I hope it does.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Folks ... in general, feeling crappy, yucky, the last couple of days ... with a little respite thrown in from time to time ...

 

As Green mentions ... putting on the blinders and moving one foot in front of the other ... an old song "I've been working on the chain gang" comes to mind ...

 

And this swinging back and forth ... one hour able to walk for miles ... another hour, six steps and I am ready to collapse ... one day no head pressure ... the next day the beast is squeezing my head until I feel it will pop ... and these floating aches and zaps ...

 

And the swinging emotions ... up / down / up / down ... feels like I am the yo-yo some child is enjoying playing with ... with a few spins thrown in just to keep it interesting ...

 

Oh well ... we get through this as best we can ...

 

As an old sales mentor once said ... "Smile and dial" ...

 

Be Well ...

 

 

You're singing to the choir, M.  That about says it for me.

[[Gr...]]

Nova, thanks for the Mary Oliver poem...I love her work. Eli's story is so good. I think I read it sometime this summer in the depths of despair, so good to re-visit it.

...I drop off the boards sometimes too when I am just sick of even thinking about this long travel across the high seas. I think we all take days away. We are always so happy to see you come back and hold you in our hearts when you are away. ...Drew, I read your post over on the 6-12 board and replied to it....you are on a great streak of good. Really so  happy for you. I also am back to at least an 85% baseline after a bad day yesterday. I confess to taking 300mg of Tylenol last night at bedtime. I slept from 11-8...and am having a day today similar to yours. I got the dog out 3 x, cooked lasagna, did laundry and went to coffee at the community building in my complex...just like you said...because I wanted to. Snow is falling in my city and I am settled with some ginger tea and a Turner Classic movie.. I am clear.  no real anxiety ...concentrating is effortless and I am happy with my present moment...this is the 3rd day like this this week.  not in a row ( yesterday was pretty much a day right out of benzo's playboy of acute), but this is what I know for sure.  healing is happening.

  ...I really don't know what to do about the Tylenol issue. It helps me so much with bad body pain and sleep. Just plain tylenol at half the 'arthritis ' formulation. I don't want to become obsessive about non-benzo meds and non-opoids as I don't think we should suffer one bit more than we have to.  but I also don't want to become physically dependent on tylenol ( tylenol! for the love of god)  I hope I understood the article correctly and am understanding it as...it is okay for a few days...infrequently...because if we can't even take analgesics when we need to I am doomed...

......Here's to one year done...and better healing in year 2.  for all of us..  Nobody is going to be left behind ...nobody....coop

 

Keep taking the Tylenol, but do the milk thistle.  I started it.  I think it's smart to cleanse the liver after all the junk we've put in.  There are also more serious liver cleanses, cost about $30.  But they are worth it, very effective.

[[Gr...]]

Hi all.  Mrs. here.

 

It is Saturday, January 17th, 2015.  Let it be written that today, I experienced my first 100% window / "effortless" mind.  And might I say ~ WOW!  I think I'm in love...

 

WWWI, you need to know this... Before today, I just could NOT see entire freedom from panic/anxiety, nor "trusting" myself.  I knew it was there (intellectually speaking), but it was like I had a "block" from being able to "see" it for "me" (if that makes sense? ).  Well, I'm telling you girl...I've TASTED it today.  And I can tell you, it is REAL.  And, it is COMING.  It will take you by surprise, and probably bring a tear to your eye(s) when it occurs :'(  Coop had coined the term "effortless mind", and I loved her describing it...but I also was sorta secretly "crying" inside, because I couldn't relate at all, nor could I even see it for myself.  Thank you Lord Jesus, but I cannot say that after today (do you hear that, Benzo-brain?!).  I may "forget" about how this feels tomorrow, but the fact is that TODAY HAPPENED.  And, this post helps document it

 

Love to you all -- Coop, Jenny, L4M, FJ, drew, WWWI, HH, Peace, MyR, Nova, Sky, Green, GMIT, MikeJee, and everyone else I may be forgetting (my apologies!!) -- love you all very much   Have a great night

 

Mrs.

 

Wonderful news!

 

Mrs., I am so very happy for you.  I hope you get some good mileage out of that window.  :smitten:

[[Gr...]]

Coop-

I hope it's ok if I talk to you, buddy, because I need to talk to someone. I feel sick in my mind and body. Not as sick as I've ever been but so worn down by how it holds on despite time and my best efforts. And it's not nice to talk about, but I feel like throwing in the towel. How do we face another day? How do we believe in our healing? Is it really might and day between now and month 14, month 18, month 22? My hope is so low this evening. Just lost and exhausted.

 

Sorry everyone. I am not as upbeat as I would like. I really put it on for my little boys and let it go here.

 

Peace2

 

Peace, it's going to get better, I know it is.  So many of us have bottomed out right where you are now.  Hang on. :smitten:

[[Gr...]]

Peace,btw....just yesterday I had the same scary feeling, " everyone is going to heal way before me and leave the boards. How will I ever make it through by myself in the cave".  It was a bad bad feeling of abject abandonment...and completely benzo created. . Green said, " no body is going to be left behind". and I believe that girl. ...coop

 

Peace, Coop, I believe that with all my heart, that we are all going to get better, and no one gets left behind.

[[Gr...]]

Peace, ...I lifted this from Nova's previous post...

....." there are no saints or sinners in this work...only wounded survivors"  such a great quote. 

......Wishing you a better day tomorrow...coop

 

We are wounded, we are not slain.  And we will heal.

[[Ko...]]

Hi Buddies,

Not a regular poster, but am a regular reader because I'm going through what most of you are. Since some have told ages I'm 69, and I was very active before w/d. Now I can barely walk some days. Can't wait to get back to the gym and excercise again. Anyway, I'm exactly where Coop is at 14.5 months. I have to say the body pain has been the worse I've had. I also had severe burning legs and feet. For the first time I reached a point of hopelessness last week. I had to do something so I decided to try Lyrica as I read it helped ease withdrawals and was safe to take during w/d.  The first day I took it it took away the burning legs and feet. Wow, what a relief. It seemed to help with other body pain, but not as much. It has given me hope again because it gives me some relief from some symptoms.

I still get lower leg aches and abdomal muscle pain from benzo bellie. I've been able to cut my Advil

use in half (was taking way to many of those) and I've been able to sleep a little better.  Haven't noticed any side effects, but who could tell with all our w/d symptoms.

 

Had a partial window on Thursday, but it went away that night. Yesterday and today functioning at about 50%. I get these little windows that last maybe 2 hrs and I get excited about doing something,

Like a movie and then wham I get hit and can't go. Frustrating, but at least I felt good for a couple of hours. Hope Coop is right and all this means we're healing, just wish it wouldn't take so damn long.

 

Thanks for all your posts & support

 

 

 

[[...]]

Mrs, I am SO happy for you! I pray it keeps going for you! 

 

Peace, hang in there! It does get better, you WILL heal! I've been completely symptom free for over a month, and just praying it continues!

 

Drew, you sound great!

 

Praying that everyone is feeling healed!!

 

[[No...]]

Peace ... yes ... there is a wall there ... much like the walls you have already passed through ... and as Coop says, it may not serve us well to always push at the wall ... resting against the wall for a while may serve us better from time to time ...

 

And this wall will pass away, just like all the others ... these walls of doubt and exhaustion ...

 

And there may be some expressions of disappointment and worry in our personal communities ... these folks may be a little exhausted as well ... we cannot take these away for them ... we can only mirror to them that the way out of this doubt and exhaustion is through it ... perhaps again and again ... we can be their silent witness ... showing them our doubt and exhaustion ... and showing them the way through it ...

 

And this will not be another burden for you, you are in this place and moving through it ... this is another gift you are sharing with your family ...

 

And as with many things in life, this one gets a little messy from time to time ...

 

And as Coop says, grief is often very like what we are already going through ...

 

We can make use of these walls .... we can rest a while as they do their wall-ness ...

 

And we are here for each other, day in and day out, sunny days and stormy days ...

 

[[...]]

Michael, how are you?

 

[[No...]]

Hi GMIT ... I am okay ... so-so ...

 

Had a bumpy ride falling asleep ... nerves firing in arms and legs ... not painful ... just a lot of heat ... and to ice the cake, got a dose of my vibrations for a while ... nothing to get excited about ... fitful sleep and a bumpy morning for a while ...

 

So ... I did my food distraction thing ... got a chicken broth going ... cooked my beans ... chopped the veggies for another big pot of my version of chili ...

 

Calmed down some ... the weather is on a warming push so I will get out today for a while ...

 

So good to hear you are symptom free for a month ... I wish this to "stick" for you ...

 

[[No...]]

Korbe ... Coop is always right ... this is our healing ... it is good that you are getting some respite for a while ...

 

Keep reading and drop by when you can ... it is good to hear from you ...

 

[[...]]

Your chili sounds so delicious! I never get hungry, as I have gastroparesis, but things still sound and taste yummy!

 

I am praying I am healed and trying not to think about the other shoe dropping! The further out I get, the easier it is!

 

[[No...]]

Green ... singing to the choir ... hope you all got earplugs ... 

 

This is a marvelous group ... I even learned how to clean my coffee pot ...

 

It is Sunday, Folks ... wishing everyone a pleasant day ...

 

[[Wi...]]

Greenice, Mrs, nova and all who are so responsive,

 

This thread goes by so fast I can't seem to track responses to my posts very well but I want to thank you all for your thoughtfulness and your generosity of spirit.  Thank you. 

 

WWWI

[[No...]]

WWWI ... yep ... I gave up tracking responses and just follow the thread as best I can ... some days this can be a prolific thread ... good Folks here ...

 

Most of us migrated over from the 6 - 12 thread a while ago ... some of us have been together since last Spring ... others joined later ... and we have the occasional visitors as well ... all are cherished ...

 

Be Well ...

[[Co...]]

Korbe, nice to see you....although I have to correct the my friend Nova's comment..lol...I am far from right about much of anything. I have made every blunder possible in this travel.

....You and I share some pathways here. Congratula tins on getting to 14.5 months out. ...I never thought in a million years that I would still be in this soup past 12 months. Then a BB shared an article by a Canadian addiction expert. The article suggested, with very good theory and research that complete healing typically takes 24 months. So I cried and screamed and then I hunkered down to finding a way to accept that possiblity. It turned out to be oddly liberating as it allowed me 'rearrange' my expectations and I eased up on asking myself why I wasn't healed at 12 months. Like Peace I did hit a wall at 12 months because the 24 month timeline not withstanding ,I had expected to be better than I was .

....I am also in my 60s ( 65)....My windows also began as brief sunbreaks . My best windows and effortless mind days have come along after 12 months and I have yet to have a string of windows lasting much longer than 2.5 days. But I do feel the healing underneath the ongoing sx. I still have bad days , but some sx are fading or outright dropped off. I try to take it one day at a time, but I still have crying days.

....Thank you for mentioning your body pain. It seems that several of us who are early into year 2 are getting hit hard with this. I also take tylenol at a low dose for it at night. It does help my sleep. I am also getting some episodes of restless leg ( sometimes total body) and  burning feet at night. My sx now seem to be more physical and not as hard mentally as in year one.

.....Even though we still have sx and bad days in month 14, we are going to heal too. We still have 9 months to go...kind of a double edged thought..

.....Thanks Korbe for coming on and letting us know how things are going for you. It helps all of us so much to see the ups and downs and healing of our friends.

....Wishing you big sunbreaks that bloom into days long windows...it's coming.....coop