12-18 month support

[[pe...]]

Nova-

It's a good one with a very recent follow up. It's good to see such complete healing. And how long was it? 22months? Time.

[[No...]]

Jenny ... yep ... up and down ... and when does it end? ...

 

Some days I get so "sour" I don't even feel like coming to BB ... I sit wallowing a bit in my feelings of why bother ... then I get out my crescent wrench and give myself a little attitude adjustment ...

 

I am here ... were are all here ... because we are getting through this ... and for me, there is a wonderful sense of community here that I do not have on the outside ...

 

So ... onward we all go ... muddling through this blessing we have given ourselves ...

 

And if you can, everyone, please read Eli's success post ... I know I need these views from the other side to help alleviate my often distorted view from this side ...

 

Be Well ...

[[je...]]

I just read it, thank you Peace-- very good story. Onward we go...

[[dr...]]

Happy to report I'm back in a glorious window.  Two days so far of effortless mind and only cortisol rushes after 25 minutes of exercise. 

 

The best thing about the windows are that I WANT to do things outside the house instead of have to. 

[[Wi...]]

 

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

 

That was lovely and very timely

[[Co...]]

Nova, thanks for the Mary Oliver poem...I love her work. Eli's story is so good. I think I read it sometime this summer in the depths of despair, so good to re-visit it.

...I drop off the boards sometimes too when I am just sick of even thinking about this long travel across the high seas. I think we all take days away. We are always so happy to see you come back and hold you in our hearts when you are away. ...Drew, I read your post over on the 6-12 board and replied to it....you are on a great streak of good. Really so  happy for you. I also am back to at least an 85% baseline after a bad day yesterday. I confess to taking 300mg of Tylenol last night at bedtime. I slept from 11-8...and am having a day today similar to yours. I got the dog out 3 x, cooked lasagna, did laundry and went to coffee at the community building in my complex...just like you said...because I wanted to. Snow is falling in my city and I am settled with some ginger tea and a Turner Classic movie.. I am clear.  no real anxiety ...concentrating is effortless and I am happy with my present moment...this is the 3rd day like this this week.  not in a row ( yesterday was pretty much a day right out of benzo's playboy of acute), but this is what I know for sure.  healing is happening.

  ...I really don't know what to do about the Tylenol issue. It helps me so much with bad body pain and sleep. Just plain tylenol at half the 'arthritis ' formulation. I don't want to become obsessive about non-benzo meds and non-opoids as I don't think we should suffer one bit more than we have to.  but I also don't want to become physically dependent on tylenol ( tylenol! for the love of god)  I hope I understood the article correctly and am understanding it as...it is okay for a few days...infrequently...because if we can't even take analgesics when we need to I am doomed...

......Here's to one year done...and better healing in year 2.  for all of us..  Nobody is going to be left behind ...nobody....coop

[[Wi...]]

One of the biggest challenges is to rarely feel a sense of well being.  I think if I had that, I could do anything.

[[dr...]]

Coop...my father has bad pain and he takes four Tylenol a day plus other stuff.  Don't make yourself crazy. 300mg is not much.

 

Btw-since my last post I polished my pots and deep cleaned coffee maker.  Energy....it's so wonderful.  Resting now so I don't overdo it.

[[mr...]]

Hi all.  Mrs. here.

 

It is Saturday, January 17th, 2015.  Let it be written that today, I experienced my first 100% window / "effortless" mind.  And might I say ~ WOW!  I think I'm in love...

 

WWWI, you need to know this... Before today, I just could NOT see entire freedom from panic/anxiety, nor "trusting" myself.  I knew it was there (intellectually speaking), but it was like I had a "block" from being able to "see" it for "me" (if that makes sense? ).  Well, I'm telling you girl...I've TASTED it today.  And I can tell you, it is REAL.  And, it is COMING.  It will take you by surprise, and probably bring a tear to your eye(s) when it occurs :'(  Coop had coined the term "effortless mind", and I loved her describing it...but I also was sorta secretly "crying" inside, because I couldn't relate at all, nor could I even see it for myself.  Thank you Lord Jesus, but I cannot say that after today (do you hear that, Benzo-brain?!).  I may "forget" about how this feels tomorrow, but the fact is that TODAY HAPPENED.  And, this post helps document it

 

Love to you all -- Coop, Jenny, L4M, FJ, drew, WWWI, HH, Peace, MyR, Nova, Sky, Green, GMIT, MikeJee, and everyone else I may be forgetting (my apologies!!) -- love you all very much   Have a great night

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

Welcome to the effortless mind club. 

 

Btw-we seem to have a lot of clubs now. Maybe a moratorium is needed

[[No...]]

WWWI ... your sig refers to a stillness and a sanctuary ... and I hear your deep desire for a sense of well being ...

 

I have the same desire ... and for me, these last months, it is not often felt ... so ... I come back to the breath and rest there for a while ... it is not the well being we are waiting for ... and it sometimes is a place of respite ...

 

Sometimes letting the desire go for a while is all that is possible for me ...

 

This seemingly endless waiting is the most difficult for me ... spending my time in limbo ... and ... patience and steadfastness ... how I sometimes want to scream when I hear those words again ... and ... they are my rock ... so ... I pass through my moments of funk and breathe ...

 

There are no saints or sinners doing this work ... there are only the wounded survivors ...

 

[[No...]]

Mrs ... the "effortless mind' ... it is real ... enjoy ... and you will not forget today ... you have brightened my evening knowing this has arrived for you ...

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Mrs, That is cause for CELEBRATION!!.  yay for you. I remember my first effortless mind day.  It was early this summer, I was spending the day with my daughter. All if a sudden I was happy.  happy . like I used to be, and struck with the absolute beauty of the day...and the company of my daughter. I cried to.  from relief.  From gratitude.  From sadness for the many days like that one that benzo robbed me of. It scared me a little because it just felt too good..sort of d/r on the good side. ...So happy for you Mrs. . More days like that are coming your way. ..

....I can't take credit for ' the effortless mind'....It was Life.. via his w/d specialist I think. In fact I think I was describing that very day on the tread and Life posted back with the ' effortless mind' definition...perfect description of those wonderful days that just flow with ease , absence of sx and contentment in the moment.

....Enjoy Mrs.  coop

[[mr...]]

Mrs, That is cause for CELEBRATION!!.  yay for you. I remember my first effortless mind day.  It was early this summer, I was spending the day with my daughter. All if a sudden I was happy.  happy . like I used to be, and struck with the absolute beauty of the day...and the company of my daughter. I cried to.  from relief.  From gratitude.  From sadness for the many days like that one that benzo robbed me of. It scared me a little because it just felt too good..sort of d/r on the good side. ...So happy for you Mrs. . More days like that are coming your way. ..

....I can't take credit for ' the effortless mind'....It was Life.. via his w/d specialist I think. In fact I think I was describing that very day on the tread and Life posted back with the ' effortless mind' definition...perfect description of those wonderful days that just flow with ease , absence of sx and contentment in the moment.

....Enjoy Mrs.  coop

 

It was great And I remember you describing that day Love ya girl.

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

Hi all.  Mrs. here.

 

It is Saturday, January 17th, 2015.  Let it be written that today, I experienced my first 100% window / "effortless" mind.  And might I say ~ WOW!  I think I'm in love...

 

WWWI, you need to know this... Before today, I just could NOT see entire freedom from panic/anxiety, nor "trusting" myself.  I knew it was there (intellectually speaking), but it was like I had a "block" from being able to "see" it for "me" (if that makes sense? ).  Well, I'm telling you girl...I've TASTED it today.  And I can tell you, it is REAL.  And, it is COMING.  It will take you by surprise, and probably bring a tear to your eye(s) when it occurs :'(  Coop had coined the term "effortless mind", and I loved her describing it...but I also was sorta secretly "crying" inside, because I couldn't relate at all, nor could I even see it for myself.  Thank you Lord Jesus, but I cannot say that after today (do you hear that, Benzo-brain?!).  I may "forget" about how this feels tomorrow, but the fact is that TODAY HAPPENED.  And, this post helps document it

 

Love to you all -- Coop, Jenny, L4M, FJ, drew, WWWI, HH, Peace, MyR, Nova, Sky, Green, GMIT, MikeJee, and everyone else I may be forgetting (my apologies!!) -- love you all very much   Have a great night

 

Mrs.

 

Wonderful news!

[[No...]]

Hey Drew ... just curious ... how do you deep clean a coffee maker? ...

 

Good to hear you are having an "effortless" time ... enjoy ... and I am a touch jealous ... 

[[pe...]]

There's so much good news and it hits me hard today because I am hitting a wall. I just want to be done. I'm so tired of feeling sick in my mind and body. It feels like there's no way out. Time. Yea, I've done that. A lot of it. But clearly not enough. In month 13. Oh my goodness.

[[No...]]

Saturday evening in Nova Scotia ... freakin' cold again today ... will warm up tomorrow ahead of Monday's wind and rain storm ... got to get out tomorrow and walk off some of this stale energy ... yo-yo weather ... like my moods ...

 

I don't seem to tolerate the deep cold well this winter ... and it has been icy ... stretching and moving around here is okay ... and it is not outside ... seems I need as much connection outside of here as I can get ...

 

Have a good evening, Folks ...

 

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Peace,....My heart is with you.. it totally stinks to hit that wall. I want this to be done for you too. There were days ( and still are) in which reading the success stories just made me so mad. ...You really are having a tough stretch. Nothing can make it what it is not. ...I wish I could, because I would in a heartbeat. ...Your better days are coming too Peace. Godspeed. .....love to you MightyGirl....if it helps at all, at month 13 I was pretty much where you are...coop

 

[[pe...]]

Coop-

I hope it's ok if I talk to you, buddy, because I need to talk to someone. I feel sick in my mind and body. Not as sick as I've ever been but so worn down by how it holds on despite time and my best efforts. And it's not nice to talk about, but I feel like throwing in the towel. How do we face another day? How do we believe in our healing? Is it really might and day between now and month 14, month 18, month 22? My hope is so low this evening. Just lost and exhausted.

 

Sorry everyone. I am not as upbeat as I would like. I really put it on for my little boys and let it go here.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Peace, ..I have been exactly where you are...so many times. And yes, for me there is a world of difference from where I was at the beginning of month 13 and now at month 14.5 ..and it has only been that much better in the last 2 weeks or so. The change was not overnight, but it was rather abrupt. It has not been linear ( yesterday was crap ...almost like acute).

...It is hard to explain the shift because my bad days are still bad...some just like acute, BUT..  they clear up so much sooner ( usually 12-24 hours.  more 12 hour bouts than 24). AND ..my windows and sunbreaks started lasting longer, sometimes 48 hours and they got closer together. Like 1-11/3 days of good and then 12-24 hours of bad. Not quite as good as Drew's , but even on bad days I started to feel the healing underneath the yuk ( it didn't make the yuk easier, but it made the yuk more bearable)

.....Peace, really ....that has only been in the past few weeks. Month 13 was really not very much different on the whole than month 9/10. Somehow it just happens.

.....Peace...give yourself some latitude for grieving...grieving feels like acute in many ways ( depression, fatigue, anger, cog fog, heaviness, apathy, ..it's not all about 'sad' .  all those other things are part of it too....and it comes and goes like w/d). ...The one and only thing that ever helped me when I hit a wall was to lean into it.. lean on the wall instead of pushing all your strength against it). I just had to let it be until it wasnt. I quit trying with all my might to change it. None of that made the sx go away, but I could rest in it...albeit still miserable. I distracted mindlessly in between crying and drowning in depression and intrusive thoughts. I had a very hard time believing that the particular but would ever end, even though I had been through it hundreds of times.

....Peace I wish I had better more cheerful rah rah rah platitudes but that would only belie my experience and insult your very razor edge intelligence...this is what I know..it will end, and until it does it is miserable...and in one of these months coming along it will all shift towards definite healing and you will feel it and know it even on bad days. I want that day to be tomorrow for you. .

......Peace, this is a loving accepting band of buddies. You absolutely get to feel and express what you feel for as long as you feel it. That's why we are here for each other. Every single one of us has been just where you are. Nova puts it so succinctly, " we take what we need and give what we can" ..Next week I could easily be the one scared to death thinking everyone is going to heal and leave the boards and I will be completely alone in this.  and after all you just had a loved parent 'leave'.  Nobody is going to be left behind...you or me. You would be the first one to ' be here' for me and I will never leave this thread until you and the rest of us are done. 

.......We all love you Peace.. you are fierce and vulnerable all at once...and so honest about it all...Pm me any time...get on here and rant ...and cry ...whatever it takes...we are all here..

.....love love to you Peace....coop

 

 

[[Co...]]

Peace,btw....just yesterday I had the same scary feeling, " everyone is going to heal way before me and leave the boards. How will I ever make it through by myself in the cave".  It was a bad bad feeling of abject abandonment...and completely benzo created. . Green said, " no body is going to be left behind". and I believe that girl. ...coop

[[je...]]

Peace,

I'm finding myself feeling the same way today-- how much longer is this gonna be. I've been in a lot if pain for the last week and its wearing me down I wonder how I can do another day of this. I think Coop just gave us both a lot of encouragement and hope. Hoping tomorrow is a better day for both of us, jenny

[[je...]]

Mrs!!! I'm so happy for you  you deserve this and I hope you are enjoying every second of your day! Big hugs, jenny

[[pe...]]

Jenny and Coop- I'll love you forever. Oh, how I wish I could do this alonerifht now. Suffer in the absence of my husband's disappointment and my children's immense need and worry. Oof. Let tomorrow be a better day for us all.

 

Peace2