12-18 month support

[[Gr...]]

Wwwi-- yes, I get those flashbacks all the time! They always make me feel sad as if all my memories are bad, which isn't true. I wonder if its the brain working to return some lost memories.

Mrs-- so glad you feel better today, yay!

Drew-- you are sounding better too, way to go with the exercise! Just hearing all you did is making me feel sore! A massage sounds nice, does it help with sx  at all? I've haven't had one in years, but it might do me some good with all the pain I've had lately.

HH-- you are sounding much better than a few weeks ago, feel better hun.

 

I just got back from a hour hike at one of the mountains behind our house, and I feel so weak and exhausted. This is w/d right? I just turned 40, and sometimes I worry its because I'm getting older, but damn it can't be normal to feel this bad... And stiff I forgot to mention how stiff I feel, joints ache. I hope everyone is doing well, Jenny

 

Jenny, it's absolutely withdrawal, no doubt in my mind.  Did you go uphill?  Keep doing it.  Do less, or whatever feels okay, and just build on it, keep adding.  I think we have to build up our strength and endurance.  I don't think it just comes back after a wave is over.

[[Gr...]]

I love, love, love the positive posts. I really do. But it's a bit overwhelming to see so many people crossing the finish line and I'm just stumbling towards it as I pass the one year mark. You're not all symptom free, right? For now, at least, there's still a few people rowing alongside my silly little boat? Right? Cuz, I got symptoms! Like the funk. Oh my, I've got the funk!

 

Ok, that's my childish rant for now.

Peace2

 

Peace, I don't know if it's good news or bad news, but I am not symptom free, LOL!  I'm going to be here for a while.  You may just scoot out right in front of me.  which would be okay, if you did.  And yes, I got da funk myself!  Just not as bad as year one

[[Co...]]

Green, thanks for the milk thistle tip. I am a little worried about all the Ibuprofen and tylenol my RA doc had me on for 6 years straight. I am going to pick up some and try it....coop

[[Gr...]]

Jenny, Drew and Mrs....you guys are athletes...running, walking roller blading ( for goodness sakes) and Green is bikining .....Today I did some dishes.  had to rest and put heat on my back...rested...made my bed and was exhausted. More heat...a second labender Epsome salts hot soak.. another rest. All day I couldnt stand in my walker for more than 10 minutes. ....Yesterday.  energy...way decreased body pain..happy with some bounce ..held up to 4 great hours of shopping with my daughter and still felt good in the afternoon ....This body pain  we are all going through is going to end. I read through s bunch of success stories last night and many mentioned body pain all the way through....and then they healed and it was gone.

......Hoping we are all at least walking tomorrow....coop

 

Green...bikinis.., you saucy mama, you... :

 

Mrs.

 

She means biking! It's her auto spell check, lol!  OMG, no bikini with this benzo belly, lol. 

[[Gr...]]

Green, you are so right...." just go, go lightly but go" ...stay in the moment, ignore as much as you can"...that's exactly my coping too. Today the body pain and fatigue was back .I wanted to go back to bed...but I tried to push through gently. I have had enough bed days in the last 18 months....I never want to spend another day in bed again.

.....In spite of the 'crushed body ' feeling and 200# weights on our legs and arms we are healing. Things sound so improved ( with tough days thrown in) for everyone.

.......Thank goodness for every single one of you..I could not keep doing this without you....coop

 

Coop, you're right, things are so much better.  but because there's still a long way to go, it's easy to get discouraged.  But it's so important that we try at all costs to keep our spirits up, be positive even if we don't feel like it.  I feel like I'm fighting to keep my mood as balanced as possible, because I really think I do a lot better when I do.  And I can't handle worse than this. 

[[Gr...]]

Green, thanks for the milk thistle tip. I am a little worried about all the Ibuprofen and tylenol my RA doc had me on for 6 years straight. I am going to pick up some and try it....coop

 

Coop,

 

That milk thistle, it really works.  One month.  It's the best liver cleanse, and it's natural and low cost.  I haven't done one in a long time.  should do it.

 

I would do the milk thistle, and then get a liver enzyme profile done, if you're worried about it.  I take two Advil every night.  That's Ibuprofen, I guess?

[[Co...]]

Green, ...so sorry about the ' bikining' ...lol...I am not paying good attention to Auto and she just says what ever if I am not wwatching.. .

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for the reassurance on the heart front....I believe that you all are right, I WOULD be getting notified if anything were amiss.  Hurray for being heart healthy!

 

I ended up having a GREAT day!  Today was "blast from the past day" and I ended up dressing ala 1980's...big bangs and all.  It was fun.  I did the scorebook for my daughter's game, then ran home and helped her and her friend get ready for the Homecoming Court, and then zoomed back to the school.  She was crowned the junior class Homecoming princess and was so beautiful!    I got home about 1/2 hour ago and I feel good.  Simply tired and good.

 

Peace, I most definitely still have symptoms that come and go.  When they are gone, I feel great! 

 

I hope you all have a great weekend!!

HH

[[Co...]]

HH, ....so really really glad to hear this! ...you are definitely healing....I was on the flip side...great day yesterday... funky wavy body pain today....It's amazing that we are all up and down and many of us are experiencing body pain...has to be w/d....Sleep well HH and wishing you another great day tomorrow.....coop

[[Sk...]]

Does anyone here experience, for lack of a better word, flashbacks that are as constant as they are random?  Usually it's remembering things, whether good or bad, but feeling bad about them. Feelings of failure, even when it's not deserved.  It's a combination of flashbacks and constant mind chatter and rarely is it any good. I've used all of the techniques I've learned here, breathing, distracting etc but it doesn't stop. Has anyone found anything that has actually worked for them?

 

Thanks...WWWI

 

Hey, WWWI

 

I have it, yes, and I don't know how to stop it.  It just stops when it stops.  It's like a damned wave.  I had it the first year, worse. In some ways that was easier because my thoughts were so wildly out there, even I knew to ignore them.  Now it's tricky, because the thoughts are almost normal, except they're intense, the memories are random.  But yes, it's a symptom, and just do your best until it goes away.

 

THIS has been my life for the last 14 months !!! It is really awful and at times crippling.

 

BTW, I have not been receving notifications for updates from the thread.

 

I will be leaving my mother's tomorrow, get ready to see me break apart if for no other reason, from exhaustion. BUt of course it's not only that. I hope my mother gets to see me feeling better. Of course in my mind she's on her deathbed, so everything I do has a  finality to it. I feel so guilty at leaving her, but I will come back as soon as possible, things are financially  better  now.

 

But I feel guilty about every single thing these days. My mind is still not working straight.

 

Green, I laughed when I read your thing about your wallet weighing a ton. 

 

My mother is 67, with bad health problems. When we go up the stairs together, I am panting just as much as she is !!! And I am just as slow !! It takes me hours to go up the stairs, mr SKy looks at me in disbelief.

 

Have a better day everybody.

[[Sk...]]

I love, love, love the positive posts. I really do. But it's a bit overwhelming to see so many people crossing the finish line and I'm just stumbling towards it as I pass the one year mark. You're not all symptom free, right? For now, at least, there's still a few people rowing alongside my silly little boat? Right? Cuz, I got symptoms! Like the funk. Oh my, I've got the funk!

 

Ok, that's my childish rant for now.

Peace2

 

Peace, I don't know if it's good news or bad news, but I am not symptom free, LOL!  I'm going to be here for a while.  You may just scoot out right in front of me.  which would be okay, if you did.  And yes, I got da funk myself!  Just not as bad as year one

 

Peace, you may scoot right in front of me too !!!

[[No...]]

Good Morning ...

 

In the words of Mary Oliver ...

 

"Wild Geese"

 

You do not have to be good.

 

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

 

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

 

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

 

Meanwhile the world goes on.

 

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

 

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

 

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

 

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Saturday, Jan. 17

 

The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are.

 

Marcus Aurelius

 

[[Sk...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Saturday, Jan. 17

 

The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are.

 

Marcus Aurelius

 

Nova, beautiful poem and great quote. Looking things in the face is hard these days but necessary, after all, maybe things just  sound scarier than they actually are and the real enemy is the fear we have of them. Does that make sense ? 

 

Preparing for my trip tomorrow, a lot of crying going on here, I feel awful at leaving my mom again  but it's  necessary, I am neglecting my healing by staying here.

 

Happy healing today.

[[pe...]]

I have been trying, trying to read this feeling inside me. It's like this mid level fear of everything and anger. It's the angry part that's newer and causing discomfort. Because I'm scared of the anger. It feels like so much craziness for my feelings to be out of synch with my surroundings. There is really nothing to be afraid of or angry about. And I sleep. From the time I put myself to bed until my children wake me up in the morning. So, I'm usually woken from a dream and in my dreams, I don't feel these burdensome feelings. In my dreams, my worst symptom is a mild depression. Then I wake up to it and WHAM- I'm back in all the yuck.

 

Thanks for your supportive comments. I do hate that there's so many still suffering but I am honestly scared of being left behind, of being alone.

 

Hope today is gentle.

 

 

[[mr...]]

Green, ...so sorry about the ' bikining' ...lol...I am not paying good attention to Auto and she just says what ever if I am not wwatching.. .

 

Oh Coop, lol...I type from a smart phone also...and if I wasn't being a bit 'OCD' on rereading my posts, y'all would be in tears laughing at some of the things I've typed...you wouldn't believe how many times I've "ate" something (instead of 'are'), or how many times I've visited "NY" (instead of 'my'),...and, apparently, my screen name here is "MTS" and not 'Mrs', according to my autocorrect...

 

My apologies if I made you feel badly - that was not my intention at all! I posted it for the "giggle"...cause, dang, we need some giggles sometimes...if we didn't laugh at times, we'd cry, you know?...

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

Sky-

You are amazing. You taking care of your mom despite your symptoms is really such a gift to you both. I was not able to help my dad in anyway as his health was deteriorating over the last two years. I was barely making it each day and could not help anyone else. It's a sad reality for me since his passing.

But you've given yourself and your mom this gift of time and effort. I hope someone else is there to support her when you're back home, so you can rest easy. But it does sound like you've been generous with your time, heart and energy. Now it's time for you to return home and take care of yourself.

 

Don't be too sad sweet, Sky. You both will be ok.

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for the reassurance on the heart front....I believe that you all are right, I WOULD be getting notified if anything were amiss.  Hurray for being heart healthy!

 

I ended up having a GREAT day!  Today was "blast from the past day" and I ended up dressing ala 1980's...big bangs and all.  It was fun.  I did the scorebook for my daughter's game, then ran home and helped her and her friend get ready for the Homecoming Court, and then zoomed back to the school.  She was crowned the junior class Homecoming princess and was so beautiful!    I got home about 1/2 hour ago and I feel good.  Simply tired and good.

 

Peace, I most definitely still have symptoms that come and go.  When they are gone, I feel great! 

 

I hope you all have a great weekend!!

HH

Wow! HH, sounds like a great day! I'm glad you're getting a break from that last intense wave. You so deserve all the fun and fresh memories with your daughters. They sound amazing by the way, you are certainly doing well by them.

 

Happy Saturday,

Peace2

[[No...]]

Sky ... you are doing great ... we do what we can ... we give what we can  ... and I know your heart feels it can do more, be more, give more ... and the heart is always right ... and ... sometimes we have to rein in our giving and take care of ourselves today ... then ... maybe tomorrow we can give some more ...

 

This may be another lesson we are learning ... our "economy" ... learning our boundaries ... our hearts are limitless ... our bodies need to rest from time to time ...

 

Have a good trip "home" ...

 

[[No...]]

Peace ... this fear and anger ... and the yuck oftentimes present day to day ...

 

I know the fear of being left behind ... being left alone ... dreadful ... and I often feel I just want to give up ... what's the point of all this suffering? ...

 

And when I can ... I just look around me ... and sometimes I can feel that ... I am not alone ... I am not being left behind ... and the fear and the anger release for a while ...

 

For me, perhaps the fear and the anger never disappear ... dissolve completely ... and in my better moments I feel that is okay ... I know what they feel like ... I know they come and go ...

 

For many of us, this "end game" feels endless, and exhausting, purposeless ... and in the moments, or hours, or days of respite I experience, I know this is not a true measure of who I am and not a limit on the possibilities of my life ...

 

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

 

[[Sk...]]

Sky ... you are doing great ... we do what we can ... we give what we can  ... and I know your heart feels it can do more, be more, give more ... and the heart is always right ... and ... sometimes we have to rein in our giving and take care of ourselves today ... then ... maybe tomorrow we can give some more ...

 

This may be another lesson we are learning ... our "economy" ... learning our boundaries ... our hearts are limitless ... our bodies need to rest from time to time ...

 

Have a good trip "home" ...

 

 

Thanks Michael. You are right, beautifully put.

 

Peace, you are not going to be left behind but the fear is with all of us. Just some days the fear is stronger than others. ANd the rage, the rage is there. We have all had it. It comes and goes. I had so much at your " age", now it is a little better. I am sorry, I know my complaints and worries about my mom remind you of your loss. 

 

Hang in there, this too shall pass.

 

My mom might be better than I realize but I project my anxiety on her.LIke a few  months ago I did with my rage. I mean, in my state I see her much worse than she actually is. I think. But even if it were true, would I want my last words to her to be only nagging ? My nagging is loving nagging, you should do this, why don't you do that ? I am trying to control it a little but it is hard, I see the end of everything in my head. So I feel bad for that too.

 

I wasn't like that before, her being laid back always had a good effect on me and rubbed off on me, but now I am living beyond " rubbing off "

 

This is so not me, it is so wd !! I hate not being able to trust my thoughts, eyes and mind! Anyway now that I leave, I can go back to agonizing about mr Sky dropping dead.

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... in general, feeling crappy, yucky, the last couple of days ... with a little respite thrown in from time to time ...

 

As Green mentions ... putting on the blinders and moving one foot in front of the other ... an old song "I've been working on the chain gang" comes to mind ...

 

And this swinging back and forth ... one hour able to walk for miles ... another hour, six steps and I am ready to collapse ... one day no head pressure ... the next day the beast is squeezing my head until I feel it will pop ... and these floating aches and zaps ...

 

And the swinging emotions ... up / down / up / down ... feels like I am the yo-yo some child is enjoying playing with ... with a few spins thrown in just to keep it interesting ...

 

Oh well ... we get through this as best we can ...

 

As an old sales mentor once said ... "Smile and dial" ...

 

Be Well ...

 

[[je...]]

Oh Nova, I can relate so much to the swinging emotions. My nerve pain has been so bad this past week along with this new body pain sx  that I've just felt hopeless and the negative thoughts have been flowing around that "this is as good as it gets"  and its been quite depressing. I really want to feel positive as I've had moments of respite from the pain, but the constant unrelenting pain makes me want to give up. I'm so sorry you've been having crappy days too, we have to keep going and stay strong. I'm so thankful for each of you.

Sky-- you are in my thoughts today, taking care of your mother and putting your own healing on the backburner shows that you have a heart of gold. I hope the transition goes smooth for you.

Peace-- while iam so very happy for all my buddies healing, I also get that left behind feeling and if I'm honest a bit of jealousy. But we have to remember all the healing we have done too. I forget all the sx  that I had the first year that are now long gone. No one gets left behind Peace, no one.

 

[[pe...]]

This one is good. Long earned success.

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=74108.0

[[No...]]

Peace ... thank you for posting Eli's story ... I had just read it and was going to link it here ...