12-18 month support

[[Co...]]

Mike,oh yes, I know exactly what you are talking about. .Animated expressive conversation with any kind of real emotion or excitement ...sets off the d/r, head pressure and anxiety. I think that's what I meant as social. I still have that but it's getting better. I can be more animated and experience true excitement or emotion better at home. I actually got a little irritated with my 21 year old daughter the other day and my head did not immediately feel that it was going to burst off my shoulders and my b/p didn't zoom up and I didn't get borderline panic anxiety. I have been able to have animated conversations with trusted comfortable people for the past month . My sx set in when I go out . I went to lunch and a movie with my daughter and ex yesterday and almost had a panic at lunch...head pressure through most of the movie. .cleared up out of the blue just as the movie ended and I was perfectly ok by the time I got home and today has been pretty much a 90% day all along.

  .I think 15 months is extrordinary. You are about a month ahead of me. This is the first week from tolerance to taper to w/d that I have 3 days in a row of good days including one effortless mind day. ...I think even a few days consistently in a month is a sign of healing . Also I think our definition of a " good " day changes as we get further out. In acute I would have called any thing without head pressure a good day...even if that day still included anxiety and/or intrusive thoughts. My 'good day' bar is much higher now..has to be 85-90% free of most sx and function..although my definition of "functional" is sort of wimpy...nowhere close to all that Peace and Drew and HH and Green are doing..but trying to try my toes in the shallow end waters of re-entry.

...I have also had a few ounces of wine in the last few months without bad effects and have been having decaf ..sometimes with a half shot of leaded coffee without effects. However I got cheeky and had a full leaded latte the other day...big mistake, paid for that with big anxiety.  Lol

  ..You are making really good progress Mike...keep posting because it encourages us when we see healing in our buddies....Wishing you a string of effortless mind days.. .coop

[[je...]]

Jenny, ...You are heroic ...you and Peace and HH....and anyone parenting little kids are in a category of bravery all of your own. I remember when mine were little the 4-6 hour was the ," where or where are the fresh horses...i.e. Daddy" hours. I would practically throw them at him the minute he walked in the door.  poor guy.  I was out the door for a run or a sneak around the corner to the coffee shop that held the sweet balm of Sumatran coffee and chocolate.  Once in awhile a little clandestine glass of merlot. . I returned home being the 'good mommy ' for the dinner/bath chaos...

....How is your head pressure ?....Wishing you respite...if I lived close they could come over since Nova is likely to add to the boys will be boys party...coop

 

 

Coop,

Thank you so much. Yes, I can completely relate to throwing my kids at daddy the minute he walks in the door lol. My head pressure has been gone for a while, but I notice if I eat any sort of sugar it will trigger my head pressure and my sinuses will get inflamed. So I'm still getting it at times, but not as bad. How about you? BTW I wanted to thank you for the ginger tea recipe, I've made it a few times now and I really like it-- it seems to really settle my stomach. You are sounding so much better Coop, and I couldn't be happier for you! Thank you so much for always being there with all your sweet, caring advice. Love, jenny 

[[mr...]]

The last few days of posts have had a pretty positive ring to them.  Sounding much better around here than a couple weeks ago.  Awesome to hear!  Refreshing!

 

A really bad 4 day wave seems to be ending for me.  I had it really good a few weeks ago having four 80% days out of seven, then I got sick for three days, felt less than good for a while, then dipped into this four day cog fog anxious tension-fest.  A great run of days is surely close ahead of me.  That's how the pattern seems to go this late in the game.  Speaking of which, my 15 month mark was 2 days ago and I didn't even realize that until I typed the last sentence.  How many days or months really doesn't mean anything anymore.  Too focused on trying to live in the moment to care much about how long it's been.  The only number that I think about once in a while is month 20.  Month 20 is June 10th for me.  I would love to feel comfortable being my crazy outgoing self once summer arrives.  Lately everything social has overstimulated me causing head pain and body tension.  No big deal, just a speed bump.  I'll have a great week soon, a new baseline, gotta look at it that way, always.  : )

 

Glad there's a positive buzz around here, in my current state it makes me feel better.  Thank you as always.

 

(((((MikeJee)))))

 

Good to hear from ya, bud I bet by June you will be feeling MUCH closer to that 'crazy outgoing' self that you are! We are healing, buddy - all of us!

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[mr...]]

A small update / "praise" report on Mrs.!

 

I exercised, and then went out to eat w/ Mr tonight ~ ate a big fat bacon cheeseburger smothered in BBQ sauce, along with a huge side of fries. Aaaaaannd.....(drumroll please)....absolutely no heart palps or tachycardia afterwards! Hooray! Praising the Lord

 

I am feeling more and more healing all the time. I have the "ebbs" and "flows" that we all have, of course. But the healing and progress is entirely undeniable (thank you Jesus).

 

I hope you all are fairing well today. I am heading to bed shortly ~i will see you here again tomorrow, yes? I surely do hope Love to you all, and rest well

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

Nice mrs!

 

[[dr...]]

I Did my ct chest scan on my second attemp this am. 

 

Except for a bad headache I had an effortless mind day!!!!  Haven't had one in forever.

[[Co...]]

You are sounding very good Mrs.  Glad you enjoyed the burger and fries.  Sometimes we just have to do something that proves to us that we are still alive in spite of this process and that our lives really are going to return to normal.

  I am waiting g for the day that I can go out for dinner...have wine.  have dessert ...with dark rich strong Sumatran coffee

    Sleep well Mrs.  coop

[[Co...]]

Yay!!!...so happy for you Drew.. an effortless mind day. A for sure sign that our sx are w/d driven and eventually they leave us. ...I don't know what FD stands for and I am sleepy otherwise I might be able to make a good guess , but I assume it is good...I hope it means that your CT was a go and your heart rate was behaving and all is well...You so deserve an effortless mind day.  coop

[[dr...]]

Thx coop.  It was a typo.  I took a very low beta blocker.  Hr was 71. This thing was crazy...I was loaded into a loud jet engine with the technician saying "be zen". I did fine and I get all results by end of week.  Feel good though.

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Peace, HAPPY HAPPY YEAR ONE MIGHTY GIRL.. 

    You have traveled far on a hard road. It gets easier Peace. I think you will see a lot of progress in the next 2/3 months. .

.....I remember last summer when you and I both were sad and miserable scared to death and suffering. You have been so strong and brave and determined all this time. I honestly believe that you ....and all of us on this thread have made it through the worst. ....congratulations to you Peace.  You should be so very proud...only the tough people get through this.... Wishing you a string of windows for your BB birthday..  coop

[[bu...]]

Hi all.

14 months  many of the the symptoms across the board have shed a little every month since month  9.  Last 3 weeks I have made great breakthroughs  . I have had many of the symptoms pretty extreme throughout. I still have nerve pain. DP/DR is resolving itself. I just get situational flashes of it. I still can only be extremely superficial to anyon . Unless I completely trust someone. Odd. Stress or being put on the spot can kind of make my brain short circuit. If that makes sense. I'm just glad to be functioning somewhat like a normal human being. Short term memory went from nonexistent to improving daily. Long term coming back in pieces. Just glad to feel like I'm on this planet!  What a mind job the DP/DR is! Ear pressure finally resolved. Constant fear has lifted. Intrusive thoughts controllable. Still a little body vibrating every now and then.  Working out 4 days a weeks. Working full time. Not bad for being wheelchair ridden for 3 weeks and no strength at all first 3/months. Still a work in progress. 2015 year of the comeback.

[[No...]]

bubba gump  ... good to hear from you ... and it is reassuring to hear of your steady progress ... and yes, many of us are still a work in progress ...

 

[[mr...]]

Happy Birthday, Sky!!!

 

Happy one-year anniversary, Peace!!

 

Congrats on a successful CT, Drew!

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

Today is the day, but really today is A day. It's like any other while coping through this illness. I feel so messed up and I'm heading into work and then an appointment with my child's teacher. I just feel like it never ends, the symptoms, the stress. And then I think, "Ok, at some point these symptoms will ease up enough, maybe even go away. But then what? I'll have to be very careful for the rest of my life and pray these symptoms don't return years from now when I let my guard down for a second and take, what?, an antibiotic or some other 'benign' medication. I'm really in the pit today. How do you guys keep rolling? Day by day and hour by hour. It's just not cool anymore to be 'living' like this. I feel like I gave it my best shot and now I should just curl up in bed and cry until it's over.

 

Bummer post,

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Happy Birthday, Sky! I think you'll love being 13! 

 

Drew, glad things are looking up. 

[[ga...]]

Peace...I hear ya!  I have really been struggling recently.  I am tired, like you, of dealing with this.  I start feeling so hopeless when the sleep is negligible.  I know you can relate...my 93 y/o dad is in rapidly declining health.  Causing me additional stress...worries, anxiety etc.  Certainly not helping my sleep.  Still the early morning wakeups laced with lots of fear and depression.  I still get caught up in those thoughts of being alone later in life...like my dad, and just wondering how I will survive.  Need to stay in the moment and try to enjoy life rather than worrying so much about my future.  It can really bring me down.  Just don't want to feel like I do now as I move on in years.  Whine...whine...whine....sorry....I am good at that

 

Good luck getting though your day today.  Long days are tough when feeling like we both are.  We will do it as we always seem to do.\

 

 

Garton

[[Gr...]]

I can't believe  you guys have made it this far without the help of a good counsellor.  Mine has really been the best help I've had.  And has anybody taken me up on my suggestion of Belleruth Naparstek's CD meditations on Anger and Forgiveness.  You won't believe how comforting this is.

 

FJ, up until now I just needed to be alone, I was too sick and too crazy to talk to anyone.  I think it would have been counterproductive, because my thoughts and feelings weren't accurate.  I have had lots of very good quality therapy when I was younger.  And I'm shopping around for someone now, b/c I think it would be helpful now.

[[Gr...]]

Green....my bet is on w/d, especially since resentment has not been a part of who you are. ...I think it will pass like all this craziness....and yes, it all seems so real. At lunch today I was convinced that I was minutes away from a stroke..seriously. It took all my bits and shreds of sanity to back down a panic....I think that the way we feel in a window ois who we really are.. ..coop

 

Coop, I wrote about this in my progress log today.  I think a lot of these feelings are real, but they're only a fragment of the big picture, of how I really feel.  God, withdrawal is exhausting.  It just keeps going.

 

Also, I had a little anxiety yesterday and got nervous. 

[[Gr...]]

FJ, I think a lot of us are leary of psychologists , counselors etc because it is difficult to find anyone who not only doesn't believe that w/d is over in 6 weeks....they tend to want to get us back on meds.. more than likely they, along with physicians got us on the meds. I know there are good ones out there but very few and far between. My city has one ' benzo wise' psychologist. When I called him he told me that " most of his patients had no problem once they found the right medication and some had been on medication for several years without problems" I didn't call back for an appointment.

.....I am glad you found someone good. If I could find someone who was truly benzo wise I would go. For me, it has been the people on this forum who have gotten me through.

.....I am going to try to find the cd you mentioned...any information and support we can tap into the better...thanks for that suggestion....coop

 

Ditto, I totally agree, Coop.  If this counselor I'm waiting on says one word about medication, it's over before it starts. 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Folks ... got some rest and had a good "sweat" ... both my wife and I were feeling a little sick yesterday ... likely leftover from our cold/flu stuff ... used an ibuprofen just before falling asleep ... woke up a little soaked ... did not have a fever as such ... just needed to get some more stuff "out" I guess ...

 

Feeling somewhat refreshed ...

 

And yes, we plod along as Sue and Coop and others say ... and I don't even consider protracted ... this, for me, is one day at a time ...

 

For those who have found someone you can speak with on the outside that has to be a marvelous blessing ... I have not experienced that good fortune ... and it is not me ... it is them and their lack of acceptance and compassion ...

 

On the Atlantic coast, Monday is here ... hope we all find it a good one ...

 

 

M, we're not protracted beyond the two years, I truly believe that. However, the second year remains very challenging.  My therapist has not even called me back yet.  Not a good sign.  It may be over before it starts, lol.

[[Gr...]]

Tomorrow is my one year benzo free anniversary. Yea me. But I feel so sad and defeated and I know it's the drugs! I had a pretty 'good' weekend with a pretty good mood. Mood is the thing that matters most to me. I can do weird thinning and dr if my mood is stable. But I slept well last night, deep and today I woke up so so groggy and sad. I just feel like this thing is never ending. While also knowing if I can hang in there long enough, it will end. I am tired though and again I just want to be free. I want my whole family to be free of this and there is no answer of when and it just could not be soon enough.

 

I know where you are, too. I'm sorry all these months later it's still hard.

 

Peace2

 

Peace,

 

I was deeply depressed and sick as could be for my one year anniversary.  It got better shortly after that.  give it a little time.

 

And Happy Anniversary!  One year!  You will be able to celebrate this when you feel a little better.  I really think you will turn a corner soon!

[[Gr...]]

Green, ...I love to meet up with you here too. It is such huge assurance to me when I get on the forum just knowing that I am doomed ...and read yours and Michael Nova's and HH's and Sky's posts.....and every time I think, " ...it has to be w/d ...we could not all be experiencing brain tumors, heart conditions, permanent agoraphobia, forever anxiety and early dementia all at the same time".. 

......I just got through a wierd string of weeks ( month 12 I think) of a variation on the intrusive thoughts sx. I went through weeks of it in acute, but the recent one was more like yours...less existential doom and more memories attached to guilt and regret...about memories lon forgotten. A happy memory about something as normal as my daughter's second birthday and somehow remembering her cute cake with the Smow White characters.. a happy memory with the disturbingly misplaced feeling of guilt. Exactly like one of those ' what's wrong with this picture ' puzzles. Everything looks just as it should ...except the dog hidden in the branches of the tree.  Out of place.. grotesquely out of place. ....They are getting less again...but they continue to be just as disturbing as they were in early acute when they come along. ...We both could not have the same mental illness at the same time..on the same forum ..w/ding from the same drug for approximately the same number of days..

.....I totally get it that less time on the forum means that you are trying to present in your actual life. I am so glad to hear that because it was only a few months ago that your absence from the forum meant you were suffering in privacy.

.....Green you continue to be such a support ...thank you for sticking with us and going the distance with us...coop

 

Coop, just read this. OMG you are doing the guilt trip too !!  Me too !

 

This has to be wd. As you said how can people from all over the world, different ages la-di-da be experiencing all the same things ?

 

Anyway the guilt trip is awful, it gives a bitter taste to every single thing and locks you out of enjoying the moment, which I really never want to do again if I can help it.

 

Just want to chime in on this.  I went from resentment and self righteousness, all day, the harpies had their way with me, to sobbing with guilt and remorse by the end of the day.

[[Gr...]]

The last few days of posts have had a pretty positive ring to them.  Sounding much better around here than a couple weeks ago.  Awesome to hear!  Refreshing!

 

A really bad 4 day wave seems to be ending for me.  I had it really good a few weeks ago having four 80% days out of seven, then I got sick for three days, felt less than good for a while, then dipped into this four day cog fog anxious tension-fest.  A great run of days is surely close ahead of me.  That's how the pattern seems to go this late in the game.  Speaking of which, my 15 month mark was 2 days ago and I didn't even realize that until I typed the last sentence.  How many days or months really doesn't mean anything anymore.  Too focused on trying to live in the moment to care much about how long it's been.  The only number that I think about once in a while is month 20.  Month 20 is June 10th for me.  I would love to feel comfortable being my crazy outgoing self once summer arrives.  Lately everything social has overstimulated me causing head pain and body tension.  No big deal, just a speed bump.  I'll have a great week soon, a new baseline, gotta look at it that way, always.  : )

 

Glad there's a positive buzz around here, in my current state it makes me feel better.  Thank you as always.

 

Mike,

 

Thanks for stopping by and weighing in!  I get so much from your posts.  I followed your last one, to make plans, and deal with it when I get there.  That pushed me out the door, and that's the name of the game here.

 

Okay, so sometimes we get tired, sounds like you are, a little, been sick.  No, man, we are healing.  And I used to be outgoing and a little crazy in a nice way.  I forgot about that gal, haven't seen her in a while.  we're going to get ourselves back. 

 

Be well.

:smitten:

[[Sk...]]

Happy Birthday, Sky!!!

 

Happy one-year anniversary, Peace!!

 

Congrats on a successful CT, Drew!

 

Mrs.

 

 

Awww Mrs, you shouldn't have thanks so much !

 

Sooo glad you enjoyed your fries !

[[Sk...]]

Happy Birthday, Sky! I think you'll love being 13! 

 

Drew, glad things are looking up. 

Thanks Peace. It does look like a great age, but nothing like 14, right ? Mr Sky will be thrilled to learn  that's his age day after tomorrow !

 

This birthday means a lot  to me. As with all things after my Ct, everything means so much more.