12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Folks ... lots of stuff on the thread today ... and I am feeling a little fragile ... so please know I am listening and holding ...

 

Such a blessing to be here with all of you, day to day ... this place is a wonderful anchor for me ... and the encouragement I receive to stay in the game is a blessing ...

 

Bless all of you ...

 

Michael

 

[[pe...]]

Tomorrow is my one year benzo free anniversary. Yea me. But I feel so sad and defeated and I know it's the drugs! I had a pretty 'good' weekend with a pretty good mood. Mood is the thing that matters most to me. I can do weird thinning and dr if my mood is stable. But I slept well last night, deep and today I woke up so so groggy and sad. I just feel like this thing is never ending. While also knowing if I can hang in there long enough, it will end. I am tired though and again I just want to be free. I want my whole family to be free of this and there is no answer of when and it just could not be soon enough.

 

I know where you are, too. I'm sorry all these months later it's still hard.

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

Peace ... mood is so important to us now ... and it is a another sign that we are indeed progressing ... when I can look back, on even yesterday, and remember that whatever was going on, I was okay ... I got through another day ...

 

And yes, oh yes, we so want this to be finished, for ourselves and our families ... and my friend, it will be finished ... I promise myself that every day ... and I can promise you the same ...

 

And ... I also believe, we have planted the seed of our healing ... we have tended it lovingly ... we prepared the soil ... and we watch and wait, expectantly if not always patiently ... for the blooming that is our precious life ...

 

As the tradition says ... as we sow, so shall we reap ... our freedom and our bounty is here ... it just needs a bit more ripening ...

 

You have come one year, one cycle of the seasons ... we all share in the smile of your accomplishment ... your strength ... your steadfastness ...

 

[[Sk...]]

Green, ...I love to meet up with you here too. It is such huge assurance to me when I get on the forum just knowing that I am doomed ...and read yours and Michael Nova's and HH's and Sky's posts.....and every time I think, " ...it has to be w/d ...we could not all be experiencing brain tumors, heart conditions, permanent agoraphobia, forever anxiety and early dementia all at the same time".. 

......I just got through a wierd string of weeks ( month 12 I think) of a variation on the intrusive thoughts sx. I went through weeks of it in acute, but the recent one was more like yours...less existential doom and more memories attached to guilt and regret...about memories lon forgotten. A happy memory about something as normal as my daughter's second birthday and somehow remembering her cute cake with the Smow White characters.. a happy memory with the disturbingly misplaced feeling of guilt. Exactly like one of those ' what's wrong with this picture ' puzzles. Everything looks just as it should ...except the dog hidden in the branches of the tree.  Out of place.. grotesquely out of place. ....They are getting less again...but they continue to be just as disturbing as they were in early acute when they come along. ...We both could not have the same mental illness at the same time..on the same forum ..w/ding from the same drug for approximately the same number of days..

.....I totally get it that less time on the forum means that you are trying to present in your actual life. I am so glad to hear that because it was only a few months ago that your absence from the forum meant you were suffering in privacy.

.....Green you continue to be such a support ...thank you for sticking with us and going the distance with us...coop

 

Coop, just read this. OMG you are doing the guilt trip too !!  Me too !

 

This has to be wd. As you said how can people from all over the world, different ages la-di-da be experiencing all the same things ?

 

Anyway the guilt trip is awful, it gives a bitter taste to every single thing and locks you out of enjoying the moment, which I really never want to do again if I can help it.

[[Sk...]]

Tomorrow is my one year benzo free anniversary. Yea me. But I feel so sad and defeated and I know it's the drugs! I had a pretty 'good' weekend with a pretty good mood. Mood is the thing that matters most to me. I can do weird thinning and dr if my mood is stable. But I slept well last night, deep and today I woke up so so groggy and sad. I just feel like this thing is never ending. While also knowing if I can hang in there long enough, it will end. I am tired though and again I just want to be free. I want my whole family to be free of this and there is no answer of when and it just could not be soon enough.

 

I know where you are, too. I'm sorry all these months later it's still hard.

 

Peace2

 

Peace, happy one year. You did it. You really did. It's you not wd.

[[Sk...]]

I can't believe  you guys have made it this far without the help of a good counsellor.  Mine has really been the best help I've had.  And has anybody taken me up on my suggestion of Belleruth Naparstek's CD meditations on Anger and Forgiveness.  You won't believe how comforting this is.

 

All during wd, when a few doctors tried to convince me and Mr SKy, I was just crazy, I had the magic opportunity of seeing how people behave  when they think you are crazy. Your pain is less pain, even if you have been operated on and it was a miracle you made it through. 

 

My view from here, is that many people needed some therapy and none of them would be seeking it, they were so busy being normal, healthy.

 

It's a miracle I made it through this far, despite the counsellors, neurologists and other hacks I met on my way.

 

FJ, I know what you are saying, but I am starting to think that wd might be one amazing therapist and it might be time to also trust in ourselves, again, once more.

 

My story is very different you see. I would love to check out all the advice I have gotten, but I am here doing wd on a shoestring. I don't regret a thing, it has been like going to colllege all over again and has broadened my horizons.

[[mr...]]

I can't believe  you guys have made it this far without the help of a good counsellor.  Mine has really been the best help I've had.  And has anybody taken me up on my suggestion of Belleruth Naparstek's CD meditations on Anger and Forgiveness.  You won't believe how comforting this is.

 

All during wd, when a few doctors tried to convince me and Mr SKy, I was just crazy, I had the magic opportunity of seeing how people behave  when they think you are crazy. Your pain is less pain, even if you have been operated on and it was a miracle you made it through. 

 

My view from here, is that many people needed some therapy and none of them would be seeking it, they were so busy being normal, healthy.

 

It's a miracle I made it through this far, despite the counsellors, neurologists and other hacks I met on my way.

 

FJ, I know what you are saying, but I am starting to think that wd might be one amazing therapist and it might be time to also trust in ourselves, again, once more.

 

My story is very different you see. I would love to check out all the advice I have gotten, but I am here doing wd on a shoestring. I don't regret a thing, it has been like going to colllege all over again and has broadened my horizons.

 

Pah! At least I could drink and party my way though college!!

 

(I am kidding, of course! And I agree with you, Sky What a learning experience!)

 

Mrs.

[[Fi...]]

Okay, everybody's free to do whatever they think will help.  I will stop making this suggestion about counsellors and this CD, although I do think a $15 CD is pretty good bargain on a shoestring budget.

 

What my counsellor has helped me with is sorting the WD from the actual relationship issues.  I think the result of this is that I will be coming out of this with my marriage intact, ditto the friendships I still want to maintain.  A lot of people on this board write of their losses and the way their lives and relationships have completely fallen apart.  One way to help avoid this is to be proactive and see what we can do for ourselves to stop this from happening.  Of course people jumped all over me for suggesting Cool try a counsellor.  It's hard for me to understand why this is taken as such an insult.

 

Yes, all this crap IS WD, but it cannot be separated completely from the our relationship to the others in our lives.

[[No...]]

FJ ... I am not hearing anyone on this thread being "insulted" by the suggestion of using outside help ...

 

I hear that your use of this process has been of great benefit to you ... and for others on this thread ...

 

For many, making this connection to outside support, myself included, has not been possible ... even though many have tried ... diligently and repeatedly ...

 

Here ... we share our stories, offer our encouragement and support ... receive encouragement and support ... and we live our lives as best we can in the moment ...

 

I see this thread as a pot-luck table ... we each bring what we can ... take away what we need ... and hang out for a while ...

 

[[No...]]

Sky ... if I was going back to school, I would start at Kindergarten ... they have much more fun and get lots of naps ... 

[[mr...]]

Okay, everybody's free to do whatever they think will help.  I will stop making this suggestion about counsellors and this CD, although I do think a $15 CD is pretty good bargain on a shoestring budget.

 

What my counsellor has helped me with is sorting the WD from the actual relationship issues.  I think the result of this is that I will be coming out of this with my marriage intact, ditto the friendships I still want to maintain.  A lot of people on this board write of their losses and the way their lives and relationships have completely fallen apart.  One way to help avoid this is to be proactive and see what we can do for ourselves to stop this from happening.  Of course people jumped all over me for suggesting Cool try a counsellor.  It's hard for me to understand why this is taken as such an insult.

 

Yes, all this crap IS WD, but it cannot be separated completely from the our relationship to the others in our lives.

 

Sweet FJ

 

I think we're all just sharing our experiences, sweets Your experience of finding a great counsellor is very encouraging ~ how refreshing to hear that there are folks out there in the professional field that are willing to listen and learn! And I'm sure your words of experience will encourage the right person(s) to find help through the means that you have. I know for some, the forum is more than enough. And I know that for others, the forum is all that they have, for one reason or another. And yet others feel it necessary to seek outside support as well - whether they choose medicinal routes, counselling, supplemental support extra support from a family member or friend, etc. I have learned that there really is no "right" or "wrong" way or path that is "black and white"; rather, it is more what's "right for me" or "wrong for me" ~ and only I can discern this for myself. I often try and reiterate that anytime I'm sharing a part of my experiences as well, just to clarify my intentions of sharing. Nothing's for everybody, of course

 

I hope you're feeling well this afternoon, friend. We're seeing sunshine through our 20 degree (Fahrenheit) temperatures today, and it is bright and refreshing! I think I might even try for a short walk, desire the chilliness Peace be with you, buddy ~ enjoy your afternoon

 

Mrs.

[[Sk...]]

Okay, everybody's free to do whatever they think will help.  I will stop making this suggestion about counsellors and this CD, although I do think a $15 CD is pretty good bargain on a shoestring budget.

 

What my counsellor has helped me with is sorting the WD from the actual relationship issues.  I think the result of this is that I will be coming out of this with my marriage intact, ditto the friendships I still want to maintain.  A lot of people on this board write of their losses and the way their lives and relationships have completely fallen apart.  One way to help avoid this is to be proactive and see what we can do for ourselves to stop this from happening.  Of course people jumped all over me for suggesting Cool try a counsellor.  It's hard for me to understand why this is taken as such an insult.

 

Yes, all this crap IS WD, but it cannot be separated completely from the our relationship to the others in our lives.

 

FJ, I am sorry if this came out sounding the wrong way. I was in a rush, I had a lesson a minute after writing that post so I didn't touch it up as I should have. 

YOur post made me think, is all. Many people are here because of a counsellor, so they don't trust them .

 

But there are many people on this thread that have great counsellors who are benzo wise and they are very lucky.

 

The CD you suggested, as with other things suggested here, are on my list for  when I  don't have to keep the wolf from the door anymore. These are definitely things that I want to pursue.

 

 

[[mr...]]

FJ ... I am not hearing anyone on this thread being "insulted" by the suggestion of using outside help ...

 

I hear that your use of this process has been of great benefit to you ... and for others on this thread ...

 

For many, making this connection to outside support, myself included, has not been possible ... even though many have tried ... diligently and repeatedly ...

 

Here ... we share our stories, offer our encouragement and support ... receive encouragement and support ... and we live our lives as best we can in the moment ...

 

I see this thread as a pot-luck table ... we each bring what we can ... take away what we need ... and hang out for a while ...

 

 

I like this a lot, Nova You are a great communicator.

 

Mrs.

[[je...]]

Peace-- I'm so proud of you coming up on one year!! I have seen you come so far. Yes, I know its still hard but we are doing it!

Fj-- I think sometimes we take things that people say on here the wrong way because its over the computer so we might not be getting exactly what is trying to be said. Iam so guilty of taking things the wrong way on here and being way overly sensitive. I think everyone here loves hearing  about your experience with your counselor.

 

I'm feeling pretty moody today, probably hormone related. My boys have been absolute terrors today and I'm feeling a little crazy. I hope your all doing well 

[[Fi...]]

No worries, folks.  My feelings are not hurt.  I just really take this as a message to myself that I need to conserve my writing energy for my own work which I hope will reach a larger audience and be helpful to more people in the long run.

 

Those of you on this thread have been with each other a long time and seem to benefit from simply encouraging each other. And that's great.  I come to the party late and can't really write about having watched how much any given person has progressed.  I don't know your stories.  So for me, the time I want to chime in is when people start talking about anger and resentment and guilt.  I feel like, "Hey, I know something about that! I know what helped me.  I'll let them in on it!"  But since you all didn't know me as an angry mess who is now all calmed down, I guess I don't have much cred here.

 

I certainly don't have the energy to be trying to argue with people about things they ought to try, no matter how much they've helped me.

 

I think my inclination here is to do what a good counsellor does, which is to sort of "call" people on stuff.  Like, "Are you hearing what you're saying?  Do you hear your own contradictions?"  But it's clear on this thread and on other parts of the board, "calling" people on anything is not allowed.  People aren't interested in these kind of suggestions or they'd be at a counsellor already.  I am not a very good fit for the basic idea of the BB board, although I think a few people (a woman in New Zealand) have benefitted by trucking off to the library to find some book I've recommended. 

 

This thread clearly works amazingly well for this group, so I have every intention of just keeping my mouth shut and keeping my unwanted "insights" to myself. 

[[Co...]]

Sky...I think if you did not have a lot of guilt feeling before benzos your suffering with it now is a miserable sx that will eventually lessen and in healing you will be back to who you were before benzos. .  Even when normal life presents us with moments of actual remorse guilt regret anger etc. , to me it is not like the looping wierd persistent misplaced guilt that we experience in w/d. Benzo twists and exaggerates all of our thoughts and experiences. ....I am not at all successful all the time but I try to distract from it. In acute it was so powerful and overwhelming that I couldn't distract from it...days and weeks if crying. Things are now so much better. It's going to get better for you too....nobody left behind....you are improving Sky, I see it in your posts. ...Time and more time....I honestly think we are going to be at an 80-100% improvement when we step over  the 24 month mark....coop

[[Mi...]]

The last few days of posts have had a pretty positive ring to them.  Sounding much better around here than a couple weeks ago.  Awesome to hear!  Refreshing!

 

A really bad 4 day wave seems to be ending for me.  I had it really good a few weeks ago having four 80% days out of seven, then I got sick for three days, felt less than good for a while, then dipped into this four day cog fog anxious tension-fest.  A great run of days is surely close ahead of me.  That's how the pattern seems to go this late in the game.  Speaking of which, my 15 month mark was 2 days ago and I didn't even realize that until I typed the last sentence.  How many days or months really doesn't mean anything anymore.  Too focused on trying to live in the moment to care much about how long it's been.  The only number that I think about once in a while is month 20.  Month 20 is June 10th for me.  I would love to feel comfortable being my crazy outgoing self once summer arrives.  Lately everything social has overstimulated me causing head pain and body tension.  No big deal, just a speed bump.  I'll have a great week soon, a new baseline, gotta look at it that way, always.  : )

 

Glad there's a positive buzz around here, in my current state it makes me feel better.  Thank you as always.

[[No...]]

MikeJee ... good to hear from you ... sounds like you are "bumping" along in a pretty good place ... let us know how things are going for you when you can ...

 

[[Co...]]

MikeJee...thank you so much for this post. I am 14 months and a week or so. Your post describes my current progress perfectly. Very improved baseline...a string of 2/3 days of windows here and there, still have waves and sx but can tell things are getting consisently better ( crossing my fingers).

...I especially took encouragement from your  comment about head pressure and anxiety with social events. That happens to me almost every time. Head presure ( which I am mostly free of after 6.5 straight monthes of it), d/r and anxiety. It usually let's up if I can tough it through and I am fine again after I get home. ...So I am thinking it is a w/d sx triggered by anxiety and will continue to get better.

....Your post is encouraging to those of us out past a year and still having some bad days in spite of better baselines. ....Glad to hear that things are better for you...congrats on 15 months out....coop

[[No...]]

Hi Jenny ... sounds like you could use a little respite ... teleport the dynamic duo over here for a while ... I will look after them ... oops ... my wife says, not a good idea ... I am a bigger kid than they are and not a good influence ...

 

Oh well ... supper and bedtime are coming ...

 

Wishing you a little respite ...

 

[[je...]]

Nova, somehow I have a feeling your wife is 100% right on this one! Thank you, a little respite would be nice. I sent them out to the backyard, so far so good. Jenny 

[[Co...]]

FJ....you, as all of us have plenty of "cred" here on the forum .

I for one thanked you for the CD suggesion . I think the rub might be the " calling out" ....Because this is such an individual process, most of just share where we are at.  what we are doing ( and some of us talk positively about our experiences with counselors. Life had wonderful support from an addiction specialist and shared some of the comments with us.  We all took so much encouragement from what the specialist had to say) . There is a thread on the general board dedicated to positive professional support. I can not at the moment recall the title of the thread, but will try to find it for you.

    We all encourage and support one another and see that as our reason to be on the forum. Sharing experience, giving and receiving support and sharing infirmation. Mrs. is Uber generous in sharing numerous links to onformation. Many of us have shared book titles that have been helpful to us. I do think that none of us see ourselves as offering 'counselor' like dire ton beyond sharing, encouraging, listening, and passing along things that have helped us...with the understamding that what works for one may or may not work for another....and some will choose not to try what another suggests simply because it doesn't appeal to them ...That all seems to be okay with most of us. Nova nails it perfectly...it is a big beautiful bounty of smorgasbord of selections. Some like the salmon, some are vegan...some live the champagne and some prefer tea over coffee...the important thing is that we are all at the table and we all have so much to offer.

....We are glad that you are here. We hope we can support and encourage you as you travel along with us. We seem to be a gentle, compassionate funny and smart smart smart little band of buddies with only one thing in mind...let's help each other in the most open hearted honest way that we can.

....If I offended you in any way at all it was in no way my intention. ....coop

[[...]]

Ok guys I'm feeling like crap and can use a few words of hope and reassurance. This week will be 13 months off benzos. I should just copy any of my last 3-6months posts on this thread and repost. It's the same story. Begins in the morning the terror fear anxiety shifting to despair hopelessness depression and a feeling of desperation and doom,then I continuously repeat in my head," how can I continue at this level"? How can I make it through the next hour? This is so darn intense and it seems it's either getting worse or I'm just spent from the suffering.

 

Has anyone here experienced or experiencing such prolonged psych torture? I get a few 1/2 days during the week where it eases some but mainly eating at me continuously. Constantly on the edge.

 

Jrod

 

 

[[Co...]]

Jenny, ...You are heroic ...you and Peace and HH....and anyone parenting little kids are in a category of bravery all of your own. I remember when mine were little the 4-6 hour was the ," where or where are the fresh horses...i.e. Daddy" hours. I would practically throw them at him the minute he walked in the door.  poor guy.  I was out the door for a run or a sneak around the corner to the coffee shop that held the sweet balm of Sumatran coffee and chocolate.  Once in awhile a little clandestine glass of merlot. . I returned home being the 'good mommy ' for the dinner/bath chaos...

....How is your head pressure ?....Wishing you respite...if I lived close they could come over since Nova is likely to add to the boys will be boys party...coop

[[Mi...]]

COOP:  The fact that I'm at a social event doesn't seem to set off that SE right away, it's when I engage my true personality in an exciting conversation, or I try to be outgoing with my speech and joke around or laugh a lot.  My heads hurts, my scalp hurts, sometimes pressure occurs, my eyes dry up and sting, and my brain suddenly can't form a thought, dizziness and nervousness sets in.  Sound familiar?  UGG!

 

On a positive note, not sure if you have had the pleasure of this, but there has been a couple of times in the past months where I ended up with virtually no SX during a social event.  It's rare, but has happened.  The only two times I can recall right now is a concert in late August, and this New Years Eve was also memorable.  I had a bonfire with our neighbors, laughed a lot, listened to tunes, and somehow managed to drink 3 beers in a 5 hour period with no ill effects.  Two days out of 15 months isn't much, but it's enough to keep the faith baby!

 

Also COOP, I remember back in the 6-12 month thread we seemed to be healing at the same pace and experiencing the same type of stuff.  Maybe we will cross the finish line at the same time?  : )