12-18 month support

[[Co...]]

Michael/Nova...very happy to hear that you do not have the pain and headaches...sorry about the foxhole...I seem to be following the 24- 36 hour song with windows. ..2 really good days.. one an effortless mind day and today I can feel it dimmimg...but they do seem to be showing up closer together. I wish we could will this to be linear .  but since we cant...back to radical acceptance , that is the only thing that enables my endurance.  and radical self care...In a window I think ," this is the final corner.. surely I am well now , not to return to the world of sx".  In a wave I think I am dying . ...Inbetween at an improved baseline I am functional , able to push forward gently and able to keep the faith.....

....On my way to the movie with my daughter to see The Wizard of Oz....that in itself is a sign of healing...I will take it.

.....Michael Nova....hope your day eases and brings you out of the foxhole. ..A little anger is good I think...it tells the Benzo ," Enough is enough...dammit!"...get out your hammers and saws...!..  coop

[[Fi...]]

HH--at 16 months I think I'm ahead of you but I'm not reading or posting on the protracted board. I suppose I might at some point, but I don't want to plug into the fear of this label, as if not feeling 100% at 18 months means you are automatically signing up for another year or something.  We each have on our plate whatever symptoms we have and that's what we have to deal with.  Not worrying about what category we fit into.  I feel the same way about worrying over whether I am officially an "addict."  Withdrawal's the same horrid journey, what difference does the name make?  "Physically dependent not addicted" is just something the docs say to comfort themselves. 

 

Coop, I identify completely with your description of these windows that get you thinking about re-entry, only to "feel it dimming."  It's easy to be optimistic and feel you're healing when you're feeling good, but I'm always appalled at how fast I fall back into hopelessness when the window closes.

 

Yesterday was two years to the day of my first window off of Oxycodone.  I thought I was finally well.  Ha.  I don't do well with the sort of red letter dates that have come along with this.

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning ...

 

Been hiding out in my foxhole the last couple of days ... I am grumpy and pissed off ... which in my twisted corner of the universe I take as a good sign ... I am feeling something normal ...

 

I have been moving around in a moody place ... visiting moody rooms ... watched one of my wife's renovation shows ... and I thought, yep, that's what I need ... a big saw, a sledge hammer, a pry bar ... and then just let it rip and tear down something ... then I smile, make some tea and go sit back down in my foxhole ...

 

These are my exhausted feelings talking ... okay for me to give them voice, but no action please ...

 

And it does not feel like trying to keep the lid on a pressure cooker ... rather, just making sure, being aware, that I remain connected during this process ...

 

For me, as for many others, these are trying, difficult days ... this far out ... and I have to be aware of stumbling and doing something that that would take my focus away from what I am successfully doing ...

 

This is, again, chop wood, carry water time ... with a little hooting and hollering thrown in for added seasoning ...

 

I am okay, as are all of you, and if I catch the demon who keeps jiggling my tightrope I may "renovate" him ... 

 

Have a good Sunday, Folks ...

 

 

By the time I get mad enough to demolish a room, the end is in site.  I am hoping it is for you, M.  This has been a long one. 

[[Gr...]]

Michael, no body pain?  What are you dealing with?

[[He...]]

FJ,

I am 18 months 10 days off today.

 

I'm sure hoping that I will be able to wrote about this as a nasty stretch right before complete healing. I don't feel in a wave today, just sick with my baseline back down around 50%.

 

SOOOO discouraged and tired and losing hope, but I'll keep on keeping on because there is no other choice but to plod through.

[[Gr...]]

Michael/Nova...very happy to hear that you do not have the pain and headaches...sorry about the foxhole...I seem to be following the 24- 36 hour song with windows. ..2 really good days.. one an effortless mind day and today I can feel it dimmimg...but they do seem to be showing up closer together. I wish we could will this to be linear .  but since we cant...back to radical acceptance , that is the only thing that enables my endurance.  and radical self care...In a window I think ," this is the final corner.. surely I am well now , not to return to the world of sx".  In a wave I think I am dying . ...Inbetween at an improved baseline I am functional , able to push forward gently and able to keep the faith.....

....On my way to the movie with my daughter to see The Wizard of Oz....that in itself is a sign of healing...I will take it.

.....Michael Nova....hope your day eases and brings you out of the foxhole. ..A little anger is good I think...it tells the Benzo ," Enough is enough...dammit!"...get out your hammers and saws...!..  coop

 

Coop, I love running into you and comparing symptoms, because we're on such similar tracks. 

 

Just like the first year, I really don't get "effortless" days.  Hmm, maybe I never will?  I have the weird disjointed memories and emotions, find relating to people I'm close with difficult, my two sons, and my BF.  I have to bite my tongue because most of the crap in my head, the thoughts, I mean, are seriously flawed -- in other words, my thoughts and feelings are very off, old resentments, etc. are ten-fold, not accurate, and it's not a good idea to make major decisions right now, lol.  So I had this in the first year, and it was off the charts, and I could recognize it and keep it to myself.  Now I'm not so sure what's crazy thinking, what's withdrawal, what's me.  Very tricky.

 

Body pain, mostly terribly stiff.  Sleep is pretty stable, i'm getting enough.  Still have mild to mod. DP/DR.  Mild on and off nausea, boaty stuff.  Flash anxiety, sweats.  Thank God, no major anxiety or panic.  That's a yet, though.

 

I continue to read everything, and you're all in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Love,

Sue

 

I don't spend as much time on the thread, I'm trying very hard to get back into the world, even in my limited way. As you all know

[[Sk...]]

I needed to hear that today WW! I'll be printing it out and putting it where I can see it often. Thank you. I've seemed to have fallen into a place of lost hope of getting better. I see it for others, just not for me. The only people ahead of me are in the protracted board, and that is a scary, scary place. I'm trying to reframe my thinking, but it's been a struggle.

 

FJ, I appreciated what you said to me the other day. Thank you for those excellent points. I haven't let my husband know much of how I'm feeling, and that day in the car he didn't know I was even panicking. But that's not healthy for us either. Anyway, you have me lots to think about, thank you. 

 

Healing,  I see  healing  for you. Any time spent rephrasing our thinking, as you say, is time very well spent. I saw you healed when very few of us on the thread were capable of seeing anything at all in our futures. That  must mean something no ?

 

Hang in there and quit thinking about protracted !!!

[[He...]]

Sue,

I have pretty similar symptoms as you described. My body hurts, sometimes feeling like I have acid or poison coursing through my veins.  My sleep has slipped somewhat from where it was a few months ago, so I am very tired and have depression hovering over everything. Sometimes I shake like I'm cold, and have the tight band feeling around my head. I get some floaty boatiness also at times, along with mild to moderate DP/DR. My symptoms have changed during the last 6 months to more physical ones, which caused a spike in my anxiety...especially these last 8 weeks or so. My anxiety is calming down again as I get my test results back and things are "normal". I just feel SICK to various degrees.

 

I'm wondering if we have to cycle through all the categories of symptoms (sleep issues, physical, and mental) before fully healing....like our bodies need to heal on all fronts. My first year was very much dominated by anxiety and sleep issues, and now I'm predominantly physical.

 

I'm glad to hear you are incorporating more into your days!

Hugs to you!!

[[He...]]

I needed to hear that today WW! I'll be printing it out and putting it where I can see it often. Thank you. I've seemed to have fallen into a place of lost hope of getting better. I see it for others, just not for me. The only people ahead of me are in the protracted board, and that is a scary, scary place. I'm trying to reframe my thinking, but it's been a struggle.

 

FJ, I appreciated what you said to me the other day. Thank you for those excellent points. I haven't let my husband know much of how I'm feeling, and that day in the car he didn't know I was even panicking. But that's not healthy for us either. Anyway, you have me lots to think about, thank you. 

 

Healing,  I see  healing  for you. Any time spent rephrasing our thinking, as you say, is time very well spent. I saw you healed when very few on the thread were capable of seeing anything at all. That  must mean something no ?

 

Hang in there and quit thinking about protracted !!!

Sky,

Thank you! I sure hope you are right!! I thought I was doing good and have come a long way, but have recently lost sight of any and all progress.

Thanks for the reassurance!

[[Fi...]]

HH--sorry, I somehow had you at 12 months.  But that's even more reason for me to say that the 18 month thing is just a number. Hang in there.

[[He...]]

HH--sorry, I somehow had you at 12 months.  But that's even more reason for me to say that the 18 month thing is just a number. Hang in there.

 

You're right. 18 months is just a number and we heal when we heal, right? But the most important thing is we WILL heal.

[[Gr...]]

Sue,

I have pretty similar symptoms as you described. My body hurts, sometimes feeling like I have acid or poison coursing through my veins.  My sleep has slipped somewhat from where it was a few months ago, so I am very tired and have depression hovering over everything. Sometimes I shake like I'm cold, and have the tight band feeling around my head. I get some floaty boatiness also at times, along with mild to moderate DP/DR. My symptoms have changed during the last 6 months to more physical ones, which caused a spike in my anxiety...especially these last 8 weeks or so. My anxiety is calming down again as I get my test results back and things are "normal". I just feel SICK to various degrees.

 

I'm wondering if we have to cycle through all the categories of symptoms (sleep issues, physical, and mental) before fully healing....like our bodies need to heal on all fronts. My first year was very much dominated by anxiety and sleep issues, and now I'm predominantly physical.

 

I'm glad to hear you are incorporating more into your days!

Hugs to you!!

 

HH,

yes, I get that "toxic" feeling, like the blood in my veins is contaminated, with too  much sugar or coffee, or something, just not a  healthy feeling.

 

HH, be very, very gentle with yourself. Slow down.  We can't ram our way through this.  I just wrote in my log today that I feel like the tortoise, when I used to be the hare, or ricochet rabbit is more like it.  Really, I was that woman, I did it all, nothing stopped me.  I climbed mountains, lol.  This whole experience has been very humbling for me.  Baby steps for now. :smitten:

[[Co...]]

Just a note....I don't think any of us should even consider the word protracted until we have crossed the 24 month mark.

....I really believe the Canadian addiction doctor who theorizes 24 months for good reliable healing. ...

......I wasn't as great at going to the movie as I wanted to be, but made it through . The first hour of having lunch with my daughter and ex was headachey, d/r, bordering on panic , nausea and dizziness....but it cleared up right about the time the movie was over. Yesterday I could have enjoyed every minute of it with clarty and 'in the moment' presence. ..Last year I couldn't have done it at all. ...I am sick sick sick of planning things ( or not) and having to cross my fingers and hope that I can enjoy any of whatever I have planned. We went to a great Chinese food place ...and I had soup because of nausea.  I am ready to throw some chairs around myself. 

...I agree with Green, we can not ram our way through this. Even Drew ( one of the fiestiest 'Nike...just do it ' peeps ) .bowed out of something the other night. ...I am glad I pushed through this morning . I got up feeling like it was going to be another good day...half way through the morning I knew the window was closing and I wanted to cancel, but I had enough confidence left over from yesterday to ' just do it.  '  It just should not be that damn hard to have a reasonably good time with your family.  .we're not talking partying here...just a stinkin' movie and a few handfuls of bad heart attack popcorn..

....well, that's my little temper tantrum to add to heap of worn out patience with this . ....better days always follow bad...Wishing all of us some sunbreaks so Michael Nova can come out of the foxhole and Green can enjoy her kids again...and maybe I can plan some simple thing like going out for coffee without weighing it out every which way before deciding. I really really wish I was one of the Nike peeps ...I admire their 'just do it' approach  but I am just not there.. but I am further than I was this time last year.  8 more months.. I have traveled 2/3 of my travels with this unimaginable journey...I , and all of us will be so much better yet in summer....coop

[[mr...]]

I needed to hear that today WW! I'll be printing it out and putting it where I can see it often. Thank you. I've seemed to have fallen into a place of lost hope of getting better. I see it for others, just not for me. The only people ahead of me are in the protracted board, and that is a scary, scary place. I'm trying to reframe my thinking, but it's been a struggle.

 

FJ, I appreciated what you said to me the other day. Thank you for those excellent points. I haven't let my husband know much of how I'm feeling, and that day in the car he didn't know I was even panicking. But that's not healthy for us either. Anyway, you have me lots to think about, thank you. 

 

A quick mention, HH, that this is not entirely true ~ you're forgetting the hundreds of thousands of people who leave, or drop off, of the forum because they're healed and "graduate" (and gravitate) back into life! And so shall it be for you as well.

 

Mrs.

[[mr...]]

Sky ... you gave me a chuckle ...

 

Even in all this turmoil, I hear you, and myself, and the others gradually coming to the surface ... we are getting better ...

 

Hope you are having a good day ...

 

Despite all the best efforts of the demons to convince us otherwise, yes, we are getting better. 

 

We are climbing a mountain and each traverse and turn looks no different than the last. And there are sooooo many traverses back and forth, back and forth.  It often feels as if we are going absolutely nowhere.  But occasionally we get to see through the trees and can see we really are not where we started.  And one day, and this day will come, when we look out, we will see that we actually have made it to the top of the mountain...

 

WWWI

 

Yesssssss!!

 

Mrs.

[[Gr...]]

FJ,

I am 18 months 10 days off today.

 

I'm sure hoping that I will be able to wrote about this as a nasty stretch right before complete healing. I don't feel in a wave today, just sick with my baseline back down around 50%.

 

SOOOO discouraged and tired and losing hope, but I'll keep on keeping on because there is no other choice but to plod through.

 

HH,

 

you are at that cyclical place where bad waves come, 6, 12, 18 months, followed by tremendous healing.  Remember how awful month 12 was?  I suffered horribly and you sent me your journal post from month 12, and it was identical to what I was feeling.  You are going to come out of this and be better than ever.  I know it's trite, but in withdrawal it truly is darkest before the dawn.  Just when you think you can't go another step, it ends. 

[[Gr...]]

Just a note....I don't think any of us should even consider the word protracted until we have crossed the 24 month mark.

....I really believe the Canadian addiction doctor who theorizes 24 months for good reliable healing. ...

......I wasn't as great at going to the movie as I wanted to be, but made it through . The first hour of having lunch with my daughter and ex was headachey, d/r, bordering on panic , nausea and dizziness....but it cleared up right about the time the movie was over. Yesterday I could have enjoyed every minute of it with clarty and 'in the moment' presence. ..Last year I couldn't have done it at all. ...I am sick sick sick of planning things ( or not) and having to cross my fingers and hope that I can enjoy any of whatever I have planned. We went to a great Chinese food place ...and I had soup because of nausea.  I am ready to throw some chairs around myself. 

...I agree with Green, we can not ram our way through this. Even Drew ( one of the fiestiest 'Nike...just do it ' peeps ) .bowed out of something the other night. ...I am glad I pushed through this morning . I got up feeling like it was going to be another good day...half way through the morning I knew the window was closing and I wanted to cancel, but I had enough confidence left over from yesterday to ' just do it.  '  It just should not be that damn hard to have a reasonably good time with your family.  .we're not talking partying here...just a stinkin' movie and a few handfuls of bad heart attack popcorn..

....well, that's my little temper tantrum to add to heap of worn out patience with this . ....better days always follow bad...Wishing all of us some sunbreaks so Michael Nova can come out of the foxhole and Green can enjoy her kids again...and maybe I can plan some simple thing like going out for coffee without weighing it out every which way before deciding. I really really wish I was one of the Nike peeps ...I admire their 'just do it' approach  but I am just not there.. but I am further than I was this time last year.  8 more months.. I have traveled 2/3 of my travels with this unimaginable journey...I , and all of us will be so much better yet in summer....coop

 

Coop,

 

You said it beautifully.  Acceptance is the name of the game, with a little temper tantrum, or house demolition, here and there.  Mostly acceptance.  I forgot the success story where I read that.  I'm lucky I don't have the raging anxiety right now, and sleep is a little better, so it's easier for me to cruise, even with the rest of the band playing.  It is very slow and tedious going, yes.  I'm shocked, really, that I'm still dealing with as much as I am, but, like Coop, I'm very, very grateful that the horrific misery of the first year has lessened.  We just need to plod along every day, try to live as best we can, as much as we can, without doing damage, and try to be here for each other.  I do know every time throughout this when I've started to become dissatisfied with where I'm at, wishing it were over, that I could do more, that impatience has cost me, made it much harder.  Hang in there, everyone.

[[Co...]]

HH...I could have written your post myself. You are a few months ahead of me, but or sx pattern is similar...Michael Nova and Green are a couple months ahead of me...closer to you...we all mirror each other a great deal. ..You are going to heal right along with the rset of us.  It is nearly impossible to know that in a wave...that's why we have each other here on the forum.  To help us when we can't see how far we have come . ...This patch you are suffering is going to end. Until it does, Green is right...go day by day...feel what you feel and do the best that you can ... So glad that your tests came back so good...Wishing you a day with sunbreaks tomorrow....coop

[[Co...]]

Green, ...I love to meet up with you here too. It is such huge assurance to me when I get on the forum just knowing that I am doomed ...and read yours and Michael Nova's and HH's and Sky's posts.....and every time I think, " ...it has to be w/d ...we could not all be experiencing brain tumors, heart conditions, permanent agoraphobia, forever anxiety and early dementia all at the same time".. 

......I just got through a wierd string of weeks ( month 12 I think) of a variation on the intrusive thoughts sx. I went through weeks of it in acute, but the recent one was more like yours...less existential doom and more memories attached to guilt and regret...about memories lon forgotten. A happy memory about something as normal as my daughter's second birthday and somehow remembering her cute cake with the Smow White characters.. a happy memory with the disturbingly misplaced feeling of guilt. Exactly like one of those ' what's wrong with this picture ' puzzles. Everything looks just as it should ...except the dog hidden in the branches of the tree.  Out of place.. grotesquely out of place. ....They are getting less again...but they continue to be just as disturbing as they were in early acute when they come along. ...We both could not have the same mental illness at the same time..on the same forum ..w/ding from the same drug for approximately the same number of days..

.....I totally get it that less time on the forum means that you are trying to present in your actual life. I am so glad to hear that because it was only a few months ago that your absence from the forum meant you were suffering in privacy.

.....Green you continue to be such a support ...thank you for sticking with us and going the distance with us...coop

[[Gr...]]

Green, ...I love to meet up with you here too. It is such huge assurance to me when I get on the forum just knowing that I am doomed ...and read yours and Michael Nova's and HH's and Sky's posts.....and every time I think, " ...it has to be w/d ...we could not all be experiencing brain tumors, heart conditions, permanent agoraphobia, forever anxiety and early dementia all at the same time".. 

......I just got through a wierd string of weeks ( month 12 I think) of a variation on the intrusive thoughts sx. I went through weeks of it in acute, but the recent one was more like yours...less existential doom and more memories attached to guilt and regret...about memories lon forgotten. A happy memory about something as normal as my daughter's second birthday and somehow remembering her cute cake with the Smow White characters.. a happy memory with the disturbingly misplaced feeling of guilt. Exactly like one of those ' what's wrong with this picture ' puzzles. Everything looks just as it should ...except the dog hidden in the branches of the tree.  Out of place.. grotesquely out of place. ....They are getting less again...but they continue to be just as disturbing as they were in early acute when they come along. ...We both could not have the same mental illness at the same time..on the same forum ..w/ding from the same drug for approximately the same number of days..

.....I totally get it that less time on the forum means that you are trying to present in your actual life. I am so glad to hear that because it was only a few months ago that your absence from the forum meant you were suffering in privacy.

.....Green you continue to be such a support ...thank you for sticking with us and going the distance with us...coop

 

Oh, Coop, knowing you're out there means so much to me, too.  Yes, the mental stuff, the crazy thoughts, it's so confusing, I know it can't be right, but it seems so real, that's why I want to go to therapy and get some kind of reality check.  Jeez, maybe it's a mental wave and I don't need therapy.  Who the hell knows?  I sure don't.  All I do is keep putting one foot in front of the other, I try not to think, I just keep moving forward, stowing away the time

 

So you have guilt and regret.  I'm going with resentment, a little anger.  Funny thing, I don't hold grudges, generally don't get resentful.  I'm pretty sure this is withdrawal. 

 

Whenever I want to go for medical help, it's some kind of wave.

 

Gotta get to bed. 

[[Fi...]]

I can't believe  you guys have made it this far without the help of a good counsellor.  Mine has really been the best help I've had.  And has anybody taken me up on my suggestion of Belleruth Naparstek's CD meditations on Anger and Forgiveness.  You won't believe how comforting this is.

[[Co...]]

Green....my bet is on w/d, especially since resentment has not been a part of who you are. ...I think it will pass like all this craziness....and yes, it all seems so real. At lunch today I was convinced that I was minutes away from a stroke..seriously. It took all my bits and shreds of sanity to back down a panic....I think that the way we feel in a window ois who we really are.. ..coop

[[Co...]]

FJ, I think a lot of us are leary of psychologists , counselors etc because it is difficult to find anyone who not only doesn't believe that w/d is over in 6 weeks....they tend to want to get us back on meds.. more than likely they, along with physicians got us on the meds. I know there are good ones out there but very few and far between. My city has one ' benzo wise' psychologist. When I called him he told me that " most of his patients had no problem once they found the right medication and some had been on medication for several years without problems" I didn't call back for an appointment.

.....I am glad you found someone good. If I could find someone who was truly benzo wise I would go. For me, it has been the people on this forum who have gotten me through.

.....I am going to try to find the cd you mentioned...any information and support we can tap into the better...thanks for that suggestion....coop

[[Fi...]]

I don't blame you one bit for being leery of psychologists.  And I flat out have no use for actual psychiatrists.  But short stints with a counsellor have helped me a few times in my life so when all my relationships seemed imperilled, I decided to go.  Of course I was hoping she'd know something about drug withdrawal, but I really mainly thought I needed help and just somebody on my side with all the craziness of trying to push forward with a lot of stressful family stuff while I was still so sick.

 

I feel the counsellor I landed with is my one lucky break in looking for help.  I phoned this person because we had met in passing and I knew she liked my books and had read them to her kids.  I wasn't looking for a "fan," but I desperately wanted to talk to somebody who, going into it, knew me as a basically sane person with a certain reputation in the community.  I did not want to have to go in feeling on the defensive, like I had to prove I wasn't a nut case.

 

Although she didn't have that much experience with withdrawal (none for opioids, mostly for ADs) she says she has been learning from ME, and this has helped me hang onto my self esteem.  I plan to dedicate my book to her because she is the one health care professional who was truly kind and she has helped me hang onto myself.

 

I realize this is kind of a unique situation others can't so easily go out and duplicate.  I'm sure she's not the only kind and sensitive counsellor out there, but how are you supposed to find them.  It's tough.  But a lot of what I've talked to mine about is not about withdrawal, it's about problems with various relationships that have been exacerbated by my brain not working right. 

 

Please do get the Anger and Forgiveness CD.  You wouldn't think someone who doesn't know you could say such comforting things to you, but I think it's the acknowledgement that people like us who've been through something like this are bound to have a lot of anger and resentment.  And keeping your brain fired up with bitterness just gets in the way of the brain's ability to heal. 

 

Please get it and report back!  I buy mine through the Isabella catalogue.

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... got some rest and had a good "sweat" ... both my wife and I were feeling a little sick yesterday ... likely leftover from our cold/flu stuff ... used an ibuprofen just before falling asleep ... woke up a little soaked ... did not have a fever as such ... just needed to get some more stuff "out" I guess ...

 

Feeling somewhat refreshed ...

 

And yes, we plod along as Sue and Coop and others say ... and I don't even consider protracted ... this, for me, is one day at a time ...

 

For those who have found someone you can speak with on the outside that has to be a marvelous blessing ... I have not experienced that good fortune ... and it is not me ... it is them and their lack of acceptance and compassion ...

 

On the Atlantic coast, Monday is here ... hope we all find it a good one ...