12-18 month support

[[Bl...]]

It is a working weekend for me Mrs.

 

Blue

[[mr...]]

Thank you all for your affirming replies. Vewwwy weassuring!

 

Just beating some time whilst waiting for my doctor to come in Oops, I hear him outside now - TTFN!!

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

well...my first attempt at the CT scan to check the calcium levels in my arteries was a fail.  My resting HR is in the 80's and anything above 80 will show false readings.      Did some relaxation exercises but my heart rate has been running high since I jumped.  Off to my stress test next.

[[be...]]

Peace, I find myself where you are over and over. What if my cancer comes back? What if my sx are one of the gazillion other conditions that look just like w/d? ...What if my dizziness is really the very real possibility of an RA sx..which it can be as RA effects the bone structure of the jaw and inner ear. What if my on and off depression is RA related...I will never get better. My physician has assured me that although these are all possibilities they are unlikely. If I am in a a deep wave or vulnerable I worry ....a lot about the possibilities and don't feel reassured. But I think the Benzo w/d makes me worry more about possibilities than I would if I hadn't been on benzos. ....This is where I eventually land out. .  Nothing in life is a sure thing. Maybe some of the possibilities I worry about will become realities. But at this point ...on this day they have not ...to the best of my knowledge. Even though it was a physician who prescribed the benzos and kept upping my dosage ultimately causing me harm, the doctor I see now is honest and I know he would tell me straight up if he thought any of the things I worry about are more than possibilities....and he would do all that is in his power to help me stay healthy. I choose to trust his honesty....and his very real concern for me. .  I always land in the same place.  If it is not all w/d ( which I really believe in my case it is)  what could I do that I am not doing...what could my doctor do that he is not doing? ...Either way ( w/d sx or some other unlikely, though worrisome condition ) the only thing I can do is to do the best I can do with whatever w/d sx shows up on a given day. You are one of the best at doing the best you can on any given day with whatever shows up on that day. That is not to say that I do not have horrible days of doubt and " what ifs"....I just always end up in the same place....I am doing all that I can do with the information that I have. I also get very triggered by any suggestion of anybody else's health issues . I don't belong to a beast cancer or RA group...it would be poison to me.I would be in a constant state of anticipating bad things. Obviously I never go on the net to look up conditions.

....I am doing everything I know ( without becoming more hypochondriac than I tend to be ) to take god care of myself.

...Well I am rambling on and on. If it helps ...my health fears became worse in the second half of my first year , they are gradually getting better, but I think I will always lean slightly towards hypichondria. If I am vulnerable they are worse. Peace, you have just experienced the loss of your father...I would expect that you are a " mess" on some days...you are so allowed. I hope you don't feel that I am dismissing or minimizing your fear about a very real possibility that haunts you...because I so get it. When I am stressed I start obsessing about  worries that are real but that I can manage if I am not over stressed. I totally believe you that there is a possibility that your sx could be from your migraine medication....and you were completely traumatized by it...the thing is...it sounds like there is no way to know that at this point. If you can, I would try to delay the " what if" until you are 24 months out in w/d....it seems like time is the thing that will discern between w/d and prolonged migraine medication damage

....Forgive me Peace if I have come away sounding condescending , that is the last thing I want to leave you with. ..I believe you are in the throes of w/d on top of grief . I believe that because you sound so much like the rest of us in recovery.....and because I want to believe that you who are my friend is going to heal 100%; at the end of this brutal process.....love to you Peace...sending you wishes for relief from the worry of it all...it's so exhausting....coop

 

Peace, Coop is right.  I can't say it as eloquently (struggling to turn thoughts into words, a little).  But whatever mild fears or issues you have grow in insane titanic proportions in withdrawal.  As you move forward into the second year, you still get the thoughts, but it's way more manageable, because you have some power to reason, and if someone explains, gives and explanation, like Coop's new doctor, or in my case a CSW who deals with family relationships, you can accept that explanation as truth.  She actually talked me through something last night.  I was relieved to accept her explanation.  For the first time since this started I believed and outside health professional (outside BB) understood what was going on in my head, and I believed her reassurance, I accepted it.

 

So, Coop, that's a milestone for us both, now that you mention it.  Our fears and belief systems were so deep we couldn't accept reasonable explanation or reassurance.  that's one of the signs of healing, I think. 

 

Thank you Coop, and Green I also have trouble putting my thoughts into words.

[[mr...]]

well...my first attempt at the CT scan to check the calcium levels in my arteries was a fail.  My resting HR is in the 80's and anything above 80 will show false readings.      Did some relaxation exercises but my heart rate has been running high since I jumped.  Off to my stress test next.

 

Oh well, lol.  I don't know that I would "pass" one either, since my resting is also in the 80's nowadays, so don't feel bad   I think I'd need to beta-block in order to effectively take that test, haha!!

 

Off to the next test, you go!

 

My doctor's appointment went very well this morning.  All good to go!  Keep us posted on you, too, dude

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

 

 

MRs, waiting for a lesson who hasn't shown up and catching up with you guys. Plans for the weekend ? I haven't made plans in ages, should start doing that again. I feel like I have been put in exhile!! Mr Sky and I, are bracing ourselves for our birthdays next week, 13 me, 14 him. Made teeny weeny plans for that, very tentative plans. I will have to be strong for our birthdays, and whine less than my usual !

 

Btw, the fear thing for me is still huge. We tried to watch a normal movie yesterday      but it was a bit much for me so we changed, it wasn't worth the anguish.

 

Have a better day everybody.

 

Sky-

I read your post as you telling us that you're turning 13 and your husband is turning 14. And I thought wow, she's really off today. Then I realized you were giving us the dates! And I realized, or was confirmed in my experience that I'm really off today. Seriously, this is how my brain is working today. Never-mind, I'm responsible for 30 children..... Oh my!

 

I hope you get a break on your special days.

 

[[pe...]]

Drew- sorry it's not an easy go with the resting heart rate. Hopefully the next year is easier

 

Mrs. Glad your appointment went well! I'm hoping for a quiet weekend after a big work week.

But the list has already started - grocery shopping, oil change, gym, a dinner date with my husband and some friends, babysitting the neighbor's sons.

Oof. My DR is really fierce this morning. Just trying to finish the work day and lie down before the weekend really takes off.

 

I hate DR!!!!!!

 

 

[[Sk...]]

 

 

MRs, waiting for a lesson who hasn't shown up and catching up with you guys. Plans for the weekend ? I haven't made plans in ages, should start doing that again. I feel like I have been put in exhile!! Mr Sky and I, are bracing ourselves for our birthdays next week, 13 me, 14 him. Made teeny weeny plans for that, very tentative plans. I will have to be strong for our birthdays, and whine less than my usual !

 

Btw, the fear thing for me is still huge. We tried to watch a normal movie yesterday      but it was a bit much for me so we changed, it wasn't worth the anguish.

 

Have a better day everybody.

 

Sky-

I read your post as you telling us that you're turning 13 and your husband is turning 14. And I thought wow, she's really off today. Then I realized you were giving us the dates! And I realized, or was confirmed in my experience that I'm really off today. Seriously, this is how my brain is working today. Never-mind, I'm responsible for 30 children..... Oh my!

 

I hope you get a break on your special days.

 

Peace, it's not that farfetched a mistake you know ? I mean reading it again, I could have phrased it better. And I did manage to spell exile with an H.

 

Don't worry we are all having heavy DR these days.

[[dr...]]

Hi all....I really never get depressed but I feel that way tonight. This whole experience w the heart and my resting heart rate being high.  I'm glad everything is turning out healthy.  I really m overjoyed. I'm just so damn tired of this.  I just have to pass more time.  It might be the stress of the last few weeks and the tests today.  I did a decent workout on the treadmill this afternoon during the test and then went for a decent fast walk tonight.  Maybe I overdud it. I've been up since five and it's 8pm here.  It's really hitting me tonight.  Sorry for the depressing vent.  :-\

 

I just need a good day...it's been so long

[[pe...]]

Hey Drew,

Sorry you're feeling low and sorry for my stupid post today. I meant to say I hope the next test is easier, not the next year. But I hope that's easier too.... Anyway.

I've noticed recently that I feel more 'depressed' later in the day and so I've started calling it 'tired' instead of depressed and using it as a cue to get ready for bed. Hopefully your just feeling the effects of a busy day and stressful journey. There's no wonder why any of us get to feeling depresssed. This thing can certainly be a slog. Tomorrow is Saturday. Hopefully you can rest and get outside for some exercise and fresh air. It's officially tundra season where I live.  I think the high today was a balmy 5 degrees. Good thing we know how to layer in these parts.

 

Love you Drew. Hope you get a break soon.

Peace2

[[dr...]]

Thx peace.  Your post wasn't stupid I know what you meant 

[[mr...]]

Hi all....I really never get depressed but I feel that way tonight. This whole experience w the heart and my resting heart rate being high.  I'm glad everything is turning out healthy.  I really m overjoyed. I'm just so damn tired of this.  I just have to pass more time.  It might be the stress of the last few weeks and the tests today.  I did a decent workout on the treadmill this afternoon during the test and then went for a decent fast walk tonight.  Maybe I overdud it. I've been up since five and it's 8pm here.  It's really hitting me tonight.  Sorry for the depressing vent.  :-\

 

I just need a good day...it's been so long

 

Aww Drew. Funny to me sometimes... I think back to the worst of withdrawals, when it was hairline trigger panic 24/7, agoraphobic and fighting to go to work, scared of the shower,  in bed like 20 hours per day...but I find myself almost "more" bummed at times nowadays than back then? Shoo, if it were back then...I'd probably given my right eye for a resting rate of 80s! But I do understand how you feel! - the month of December, I felt particularly bluesy in varying intensities. I think its a good sign - more healing I also find myself feeling "despaired" or "hopeless" or "empty" etc when I've also exhausted myself either physically or mentally...I think its just another way of my body manifesting exhaustion in withdrawal. I've read other buddies feeling this way, too. I bet today was both emotionally and physically taxing for you, bud. So I'm sure that's playing a role

 

A resting heartrate of 80 is not bad. They don't even call it "tachycardia" until its over 100bpm, bro. "Normal" is still considered 60s-80s I wouldn't give it much more thought than that I'm glad you've got today under your belt. One more test is all - and I bet if you skip the coffee, you'll be peachy keen And if its any consolation, 10mg propranolol doesn't really "slow" my heartrate much...it mainly gets rid of the "pound" sensation, the "tremors" sensation, and pretty much stops the adrenalin & cortisol from having a "jump" impact on my heartrate So, if 10mg was all you took, I'm not surprised if it didn't really "slow" it down - it didnt for me much either

 

Eat a lil ice cream - it always cheers me up (I eat the "no-sugar-added" kind...) Are you fairing better this evening? I hope so Get some good rest tonight.

 

Mrs.

[[je...]]

Drew,

I think with everything you've been dealing with these last few weeks its no wonder your feeling a little down, I think its perfectly normal considering how sensitive our CNS is right now. I know for me a doctors appt would send me into a massive panic zone, and I would probably need a day in bed afterwards. This is coming from someone who hasn't had panic in months, so I think your doing really well. Relax as much as you can this weekend and get some exercise in, that always helps me. Your window is coming soon 

[[dr...]]

Thx Jenny, peace, and Mrs....  Feeling okay now. It was funny...I was chatting w my mom and she told me when she had a medical scare her Heart rate stayed over 90 for several weeks. They gave her a drug(beta I presume) to calm it down. I never knew that.  I'll be fine once this is in the rear view a bit. It was just traumatic how bad my health anxiety was. 

Not much relaxing as my patents are flying in to stay with us for five days.  Best be getting some sleep.  I'm not religious but I'm praying/pleading for a refreshing night of sleep. 

 

Love you all here 

[[mr...]]

Ugh. Just awoke (its 1:20am here) and had a small "episode" of tachycardia. I woke up & sorta felt like I might have a little diarrhea kicking in, so I headed to the bathroom and had the little episode. I got a little afraid of the idea of the stomach flu, and...then there was the tachy. Ick. I'm a bit shakey at the moment, but recovering just fine. My response to stressor & fear IS getting better though...I'm grateful for that

 

Okie dokes, its 1:32am now. Time to try & go back to sleep now. G'night my buddies. Thanks for being here to chat "at" tonight (this morning).

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

Hope your sleeping mrs.  It was just because it was on your mind from me. Sorry  

 

It's 6;30am.woke up and my resting hr is 75.  Much better. It's all stress and the drug recovery.  Did my meditation and hoping for a good day for all of us.

[[pe...]]

Mrs- let us know how you're doing this morning.

 

Drew- glad you're feeling better.    I hope you have some nice breaks while your parents are visiting.

[[mr...]]

I'm doing great, y'all. It was literally a 15-second ordeal. I think I just woke up with a "start" is all. I was back to sleep in less than a minute after posting

 

Happy Saturday to you all! Thanks for checking in on me

 

Mrs.

[[je...]]

Glad to hear your doing better Mrs! I hope you are feeling better too Drew

[[pe...]]

How are you Jenny?

[[je...]]

Hi Peace,

Doing really well the last 2 days, I've been sleeping really good so I think that has something to do with it. How are you doing?

[[Sk...]]

Hi Peace,

Doing really well the last 2 days, I've been sleeping really good so I think that has something to do with it. How are you doing?

 

Jenny, so glad to hear that you are getting a break. Yes, sleep is such a big factor. Mrs, those 17 seconds are always the longest and scariest, glad to hear you are out of it and better. 

 

I am going though mood swings, violent ones too, but for the rest, all seems to be quiet. My writing on the keyboard has improved a lot too, hope that it stays that way too!!

 

Have a nice Saturday everybody.

[[pe...]]

Jenny,

This is very good news! I'm so glad you're having good days and hope they just keep coming. I hear you on the sleep piece. I moved into the guest room this week and have been sleeping much better. I got 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night. It's amazing to me. I miss my sweet husband but not his snoring.

 

I know I'm getting better, but it's so variable from day to day and I still have a layer of yuck on me. I think now it's more important than ever for me to be busy, distracted. I'm thinking of taking up cross stitch as a way of getting off the computer…

 

Sky,

I hate the mood swings! Hate them. I'm sorry you're dealing with that symptom, but it sounds like you're getting relief in other areas.

 

Mrs.

Glad to hear your scare was so very brief and you were able to get back to sleep.

 

I'm missing Coop and Green, Nova and all the others we haven't heard from in a bit. Hope they're taking good care and having good days.

 

Peace2

[Guest [...]]

Anyone still dizzy/woozy everyday at 9 months off benzos?So tired of this!

[[dr...]]

Jenny-glad you're feeling good.  I love hearing that from any of us.

 

2200-I get bouts of Boatiness lots more than straight up dizzy. 

 

Off to fetch the parents.  Feeling better today. Just a headache.  Have a great day all