12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Peace ... "feeling" better is good ... always seems to put some bounce in my step, even if I feel pretty wiped out and I am dragging that heavy black bag behind me ...

 

Perhaps there are little bits of "break" in between the things you have to do ... you know ... the pause that refreshes ...

 

I often find what I need is available to me if I have the opportunity and awareness to "see" it ...

 

Be Well ...

 

[[ga...]]

Thanks Nova...I did try some mindfulness and body scanning years back when still on the meds.  It may be worth trying again.  I know back then it didn't put me to sleep but did allow a certain level of calming to occur.  Might be worth considering again.  At the moment it's going to take everything in my power to get through today.  I wish I could sit home and do nothing.  Some body scanning might help.

 

Good to see you are having some better days.  Always enjoy reading your posts.  Be well my friend.

 

Garton

[[No...]]

Garton ... yep ... just leave it on the back burner and get through today ... you have a handle on this stuff ... we all do ... and when we get into periods of what feels like prolonged distress ... adding something else may not be helpful ...

 

Hope it is warmer where you are ... we are into the bitter winter cold right now ... it is a tease to look out the window ... and an "awakening" of the frosty sort when I go outside ...

 

Cheers ...

 

 

[[ga...]]

Love to send some of our weather your way...Hit 80 yesterday in the desert southwest.  I know how hard it is when that cold dreary stuff hits.  I'm sure you have the same sympathy for us when we have days on end above 100.

[[No...]]

Drew ... hope your consult is useful ...

 

And I did get some decent sleep ... that is always helpful for me ... and my wife told me this morning she was glad she was going to work ... needed a break from my "bounce" ... 

 

Have a good day ...

[[Bl...]]

Thinking warm and loving thoughts to everybody and hope you find relief from your symptoms today.

 

Blue

[[Gr...]]

Peace, I find myself where you are over and over. What if my cancer comes back? What if my sx are one of the gazillion other conditions that look just like w/d? ...What if my dizziness is really the very real possibility of an RA sx..which it can be as RA effects the bone structure of the jaw and inner ear. What if my on and off depression is RA related...I will never get better. My physician has assured me that although these are all possibilities they are unlikely. If I am in a a deep wave or vulnerable I worry ....a lot about the possibilities and don't feel reassured. But I think the Benzo w/d makes me worry more about possibilities than I would if I hadn't been on benzos. ....This is where I eventually land out. .  Nothing in life is a sure thing. Maybe some of the possibilities I worry about will become realities. But at this point ...on this day they have not ...to the best of my knowledge. Even though it was a physician who prescribed the benzos and kept upping my dosage ultimately causing me harm, the doctor I see now is honest and I know he would tell me straight up if he thought any of the things I worry about are more than possibilities....and he would do all that is in his power to help me stay healthy. I choose to trust his honesty....and his very real concern for me. .  I always land in the same place.  If it is not all w/d ( which I really believe in my case it is)  what could I do that I am not doing...what could my doctor do that he is not doing? ...Either way ( w/d sx or some other unlikely, though worrisome condition ) the only thing I can do is to do the best I can do with whatever w/d sx shows up on a given day. You are one of the best at doing the best you can on any given day with whatever shows up on that day. That is not to say that I do not have horrible days of doubt and " what ifs"....I just always end up in the same place....I am doing all that I can do with the information that I have. I also get very triggered by any suggestion of anybody else's health issues . I don't belong to a beast cancer or RA group...it would be poison to me.I would be in a constant state of anticipating bad things. Obviously I never go on the net to look up conditions.

....I am doing everything I know ( without becoming more hypochondriac than I tend to be ) to take god care of myself.

...Well I am rambling on and on. If it helps ...my health fears became worse in the second half of my first year , they are gradually getting better, but I think I will always lean slightly towards hypichondria. If I am vulnerable they are worse. Peace, you have just experienced the loss of your father...I would expect that you are a " mess" on some days...you are so allowed. I hope you don't feel that I am dismissing or minimizing your fear about a very real possibility that haunts you...because I so get it. When I am stressed I start obsessing about  worries that are real but that I can manage if I am not over stressed. I totally believe you that there is a possibility that your sx could be from your migraine medication....and you were completely traumatized by it...the thing is...it sounds like there is no way to know that at this point. If you can, I would try to delay the " what if" until you are 24 months out in w/d....it seems like time is the thing that will discern between w/d and prolonged migraine medication damage

....Forgive me Peace if I have come away sounding condescending , that is the last thing I want to leave you with. ..I believe you are in the throes of w/d on top of grief . I believe that because you sound so much like the rest of us in recovery.....and because I want to believe that you who are my friend is going to heal 100%; at the end of this brutal process.....love to you Peace...sending you wishes for relief from the worry of it all...it's so exhausting....coop

 

Peace, Coop is right.  I can't say it as eloquently (struggling to turn thoughts into words, a little).  But whatever mild fears or issues you have grow in insane titanic proportions in withdrawal.  As you move forward into the second year, you still get the thoughts, but it's way more manageable, because you have some power to reason, and if someone explains, gives and explanation, like Coop's new doctor, or in my case a CSW who deals with family relationships, you can accept that explanation as truth.  She actually talked me through something last night.  I was relieved to accept her explanation.  For the first time since this started I believed and outside health professional (outside BB) understood what was going on in my head, and I believed her reassurance, I accepted it.

 

So, Coop, that's a milestone for us both, now that you mention it.  Our fears and belief systems were so deep we couldn't accept reasonable explanation or reassurance.  that's one of the signs of healing, I think. 

[[La...]]

Love to send some of our weather your way...Hit 80 yesterday in the desert southwest.  I know how hard it is when that cold dreary stuff hits.  I'm sure you have the same sympathy for us when we have days on end above 100.

 

Hit 90°F on Tuesday here in OC. And that is the temp recorded in the shade. Dare not stand out in the beaming sun. I'm officially in my 13th month post-benzo. Doing very well. Garton, there are 2 authors I've been reading that have helped me tremendously with regard to anxiety, relaxation and sleep (Barrow Krakow & Jiddu Krishnamurti). I'm not all the way there yet but I certainly can attest to the difficulty in carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders daily and the transient freedom that comes from temporarily casting it off. What I've learned from these authors will take me a lifetime of practice and implementation.

 

Hello to all the 12-18 monthers here. Wishing you all complete healing. 

 

laser

[[Sk...]]

Hi, I have been following everybody's posts . I had two bad days, very tired, too tired and that affected my thoughts so much too.

 

Today it did not happen, but I am weary. I had dreaded this symptom, but here it is and I will learn to live with it. It's just that my thoughts get worse, really sick.

Yesterday, mr SKy and I were at the stores, and he turned and looked at me, and I was so lost, my stare was miles away and I was struggling to follow what he said, but I could barely walk, or shut the crazy rambling thoughts in my head. And he was like, " Still like this ? ". I mean, he has put up with every single thing wd has thrown his way, he is right to be tired.

 

THis is not a time to be facing big issues or tackling great dilemmas. Our brains are attracted to this stuff, like moths to flames and we  just can't do it, not in a million years. Now is not the time to do anything more elaborate than brushing our teeth, if we feel particularly daring !!

 

Anyway, at least I sleep at nights and in the morning it isn't all nuts, it's almost ok.

 

Take care everybody, we are managing somehow.

[[mr...]]

Hi, I have been following everybody's posts . I had two bad days, very tired, too tired and that affected my thoughts so much too.

 

Today it did not happen, but I am weary. I had dreaded this symptom, but here it is and I will learn to live with it. It's just that my thoughts get worse, really sick.

Yesterday, mr SKy and I were at the stores, and he turned and looked at me, and I was so lost, my stare was miles away and I was struggling to follow what he said, but I could barely walk, or shut the crazy rambling thoughts in my head. And he was like, " Still like this ? ". I mean, he has put up with every single thing wd has thrown his way, he is right to be tired.

 

THis is not a time to be facing big issues or tackling great dilemmas. Our brains are attracted to this stuff, like moths to flames and we  just can't do it, not in a million years. Now is not the time to do anything more elaborate than brushing our teeth, if we feel particularly daring !!

 

Anyway, at least I sleep at nights and in the morning it isn't all nuts, it's almost ok.

 

Take care everybody, we are managing somehow.

 

(((((Sky)))))   The "thoughts" are one of my least fav symptoms, and it does seem that they can get a bit "haywire" when stress levels elevate.  I don't know if this is any consolation for you, but I truly don't think that it's a sign of getting worse...I think it's just how our body temporarily responds to a little extra stress hormones & such at this phase of healing   Seems to be a common for those in the second year of healing.

 

I think you're handling yourself marvelously, all things considered.  Bless your heart for taking care of your mother as you are.  I'm lifting you up in thought and prayer

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

Okay...had my initial consultation with the cardiologist. My anxiety was through the roof.  Chest pains, high bp, racing heart. Ugh...  He was great.  He spent an hour with me!  I never had any dr spend that long.  He wasn't benzo wise but he didn't dismiss me as a wacko.  He reviewed everything and said my last stress test in February was great.  My heart was in the top 10% in strength for my age bracket.  He was even more impressed that it looked that good during this mess.  He was concerned about my high ldl.  He said given my past results he usually wouldn't schedule any other tests. 

 

I asked about my other doc s aring the shit out of me by telling me not to exercise too hard and of his concern of the t wave change. The cardio doc said it was a non specific t wave which means it means nothing specific at all. he said go out and jog.

 

He ordered the stress test and a calcium test just to reassure me.  He is very confident I have a great heart.  I have the test tomorrow. 

 

He said if my calcium test comes back just okay he would recommend a statin.  He was very honest on what he knew and agreed ithat the medical community is slow to change. Especially on dietary stuff.

 

When he told me he thought I was very healthy I broke down. It was embarrassing.  I didn't think I was still under so much stress from this but a wave of relief swept over me.  I still have the tests but I find them to be a formality(hopefully)

 

Still have breathing and chest pain but now I can truly ignore it. I will repost to where my buddies post. 

[[...]]

EXCELLENT news Drew!!!

[[mr...]]

YEAH DREW!!! BOOM, BABY!!! Aren't cardiologists the best?!?

 

I'm gonna have a dish of ice cream to celebrate your news tonight! (Hey, any excuse to eat some ice cream!...) 9pm CST - wanna join me?

 

So glad to read this update Yeah buddy!

 

Mrs.

[[je...]]

This is great news Drew!! I hope you are feeling some calmness and less anxiety now. Its also great that even though he wasn't benzo wise, he didn't dismiss your sx  or concerns. Jenny 

[[pe...]]

Really great news, Drew!

[[mr...]]

Whooee. We were watching some videos on YouTube at a friends house this evening, and he had us watch a video where a car was being harassed by a pickup truck on the highway. My heartrate picked up, and my fear response triggered. Ugh. They are just feelings, and they cannot hurt me, but daaaaaannnnng. I do not enjoy them! Does anyone else find themselves feeling "fear" easier/quicker than pre-benzos? Its so annoying when it happens. I do 'welcome' it when it comes, as I appreciate the practice. But sheesh. ENOUGH already.

 

Hope everyone's night is going quite well I'm doing just fine; I just don't like the "fear" is all Love to you gang Thanks for hearing me out

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

Thx all   now I hope this wave breaks soon. Still have all the chest pains but at least I know I wont die

 

 

Yes Mrs!  During this wave it's especially bad. Any negative thought my heart rate jumps followed by adrenaline. It's almost simultaneous.

[[mr...]]

Thx all   now I hope this wave breaks soon. Still have all the chest pains but at least I know I wont die

 

 

Yes Mrs!  During this wave it's especially bad. Any negative thought my heart rate jumps followed by adrenaline. It's almost simultaneous.

 

Argh! Makes me grrrr...

 

It IS better than previous months, though. I must give credit where credit is due.

 

So happy of your news, drew I'm still glowing from that

 

Mrs.

[[Bl...]]

I am soo happy to hear you had a good report from your cardiologist Drew!

 

Mrs...my "fear" response used to almost unbearable. I still have it, but it is less frequent and does not last very long. But the truth be known...I want it gone, banished, kicked to the curb etc., never to return

 

Blue

[[mr...]]

I am soo happy to hear you had a good report from your cardiologist Drew!

 

Mrs...my "fear" response used to almost unbearable. I still have it, but it is less frequent and does not last very long. But the truth be known...I want it gone, banished, kicked to the curb etc., never to return

 

Blue

 

Amen, sista. Preach on.

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Hi Drew ... good news ... and I too know the feeling of release when someone who is paying attention has listened and spoken with me face to face "where I am" ...

 

We so need to be heard ... and respected ...

 

 

[[No...]]

Folks ... yes, the "fear grab" ... it shows up and passes ... sometimes quickly ... and sometimes, well, not so quickly ...

[[No...]]

Folks ... I enjoyed about 18 hours of "bounce" ... then the curtain slowly came down ... that's okay ... I got what I needed ... a respite ... another confirmation that I am fundamentally okay ... so nice to feel it, in addition to talking about it ...

 

And I got a good rest for a while ...

 

Friday ... here ... so we move on ...

 

[[mr...]]

TGIF, Nova I'm glad its here, too

 

Doctor's appointment this morning - hooray! I am thankful for the doctor I'm seeing today. He is kind and good

 

What's everyone's plans for today and the weekend? I won some hockey tickets for Sat night, so it'll be a little toothless loudness fun for a few hours! Otherwise, its cleaning and chillaxing for Mrs and her Mr. What about everyone else?

 

Mrs.

[[Sk...]]

TGIF, Nova I'm glad its here, too

 

Doctor's appointment this morning - hooray! I am thankful for the doctor I'm seeing today. He is kind and good

 

What's everyone's plans for today and the weekend? I won some hockey tickets for Sat night, so it'll be a little toothless loudness fun for a few hours! Otherwise, its cleaning and chillaxing for Mrs and her Mr. What about everyone else?

 

Mrs.

 

MRs, waiting for a lesson who hasn't shown up and catching up with you guys. Plans for the weekend ? I haven't made plans in ages, should start doing that again. I feel like I have been put in exhile!! Mr Sky and I, are bracing ourselves for our birthdays next week, 13 me, 14 him. Made teeny weeny plans for that, very tentative plans. I will have to be strong for our birthdays, and whine less than my usual !

 

Btw, the fear thing for me is still huge. We tried to watch a normal movie yesterday      but it was a bit much for me so we changed, it wasn't worth the anguish.

 

Have a better day everybody.