12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Robert ... ah ... whatever has been visiting me these past several days packed up their bags and buggered off late this afternoon ... been clear as a bell these last couple of hours ...

 

Quite exhausted, but I am not going to sleep for a while ... I want to enjoy this respite ...

 

How are you doing? ...

 

 

[[je...]]

Nova, I'm so glad to hear your feeling better. 

HH-- taking breaks is a good thing sometimes. Do what you need to do. 

Peace- I don't think anyone has the answer you need, and I know how frustrating that feels. I had some nerve pain pre benzos, so I always question what is me and what is benzos.. No one can give me the answer I so desperately want. Try not to let your thinking carry you away, just focus on healing from benzos and then see where your at. 

Sky-- you sound good to me, despite your trouble walking. Miss you 

 

Well, I woke up weak and tired today. My mind felt funny and I just started crying for no reason.. I just felt sad. Then when I was in the shower I felt like I was gonna pass out.. I've been fatigued and headachey all day. Ya can't make this stuff up, no rhyme or reason to it.. Another day of drudging along. I hope your all feeling well tonight. Jenny 

 

[[Co...]]

Nova..so glad to hear that.  Really really glad to hear that. Enjoy ....hoping it just sets up camp and doesn't leave...at all coop

[[pe...]]

Thanks, Friends.

No answers. Trying to be still with it, make room for it.

Very hard.

 

Peace2

 

Nova, so glad you got that much needed break.

[[li...]]

I am circling the rabbit hole.

 

My story is different in that this started with a bad reaction to a migraine medication. I was contacted by someone who saw something I wrote about my experience with that med online. It has opened up that old can of worms because so many of the side effects from that medication are similar to benzo withdrawal and in some cases seem to be permanent. We know a lot about benzos compared to what people know about the drug, metoclopramide, I was given.

 

So, again I'm a hysterical mess because I don't know if, after I heal from benzos, I heal from the original issue which was caused by a different drug with a different mechanism of action. Doctors say they don't think the effects should be permanent. They don't know.

 

What do I do? I really feel like my life would be very difficult if this is my forever. Ugh. I am crying at work and just an absolute mess. We know who to turn to for benzo advice. Who do I turn to for this?

 

thanks,

Peace2

 

My Dear Peace,

 

I could not help but feel the stress, distress and confusion in your post. Peace, I will guaranty you that this medication, I assume you took it for just a short time, will do nothing to you long term! It's the benzos lying! I will be direct in this post out of love. Please do not put in your head that any of this is long term -- I did and I can tell you that I now know that it was all bull sh*%! I am feeling so much better than ever yet I put in my head a few months ago that I was damaged -- once you go down that road you simply will box yourself in and it will not be the benzos, or the meds that will make you feel trapped -- it will be your thoughts. I for one am not anti meds. I am anti benzos. Any med has a black box label. I am telling you with 100% certainty that we can, not in all instances, put in our heads things that do not exist and we can react as if they do. I am not saying this is what you are doing but I can tell you that you are not going to be damaged "FOREVER". "Forever thinking" makes us depressed. Nothing is forever and your healing can be just right around the corner. We love you Peace. Please do not put that in your head. You are almost there... you are so far along in the process.

 

Love,

 

Life

[[mr...]]

I am circling the rabbit hole.

 

My story is different in that this started with a bad reaction to a migraine medication. I was contacted by someone who saw something I wrote about my experience with that med online. It has opened up that old can of worms because so many of the side effects from that medication are similar to benzo withdrawal and in some cases seem to be permanent. We know a lot about benzos compared to what people know about the drug, metoclopramide, I was given.

 

So, again I'm a hysterical mess because I don't know if, after I heal from benzos, I heal from the original issue which was caused by a different drug with a different mechanism of action. Doctors say they don't think the effects should be permanent. They don't know.

 

What do I do? I really feel like my life would be very difficult if this is my forever. Ugh. I am crying at work and just an absolute mess. We know who to turn to for benzo advice. Who do I turn to for this?

 

thanks,

Peace2

 

My Dear Peace,

 

I could not help but feel the stress, distress and confusion in your post. Peace, I will guaranty you that this medication, I assume you took it for just a short time, will do nothing to you long term! It's the benzos lying! I will be direct in this post out of love. Please do not put in your head that any of this is long term -- I did and I can tell you that I now know that it was all bull sh*%! I am feeling so much better than ever yet I put in my head a few months ago that I was damaged -- once you go down that road you simply will box yourself in and it will not be the benzos, or the meds that will make you feel trapped -- it will be your thoughts. I for one am not anti meds. I am anti benzos. Any med has a black box label. I am telling you with 100% certainty that we can, not in all instances, put in our heads things that do not exist and we can react as if they do. I am not saying this is what you are doing but I can tell you that you are not going to be damaged "FOREVER". "Forever thinking" makes us depressed. Nothing is forever and your healing can be just right around the corner. We love you Peace. Please do not put that in your head. You are almost there... you are so far along in the process.

 

Love,

 

Life

 

Wow! This, exactly   I was searching for words, but now know why I couldn't find them Life has said it best

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

Thank you, Life.

The fear is a live, wiggly thing inside of me. Whatever this is, is so long and feels already like forever. My thoughts of forever are making me very sad and upset. The message I got from this other metoclopramide user was a huge trigger. Before this message, I was hanging in and hanging on expecting benzo things to get better. I will try to get back there.

 

I do love you all. I am a mess. But I am trying.

 

Peace2

[[mr...]]

Thank you, Life.

The fear is a live, wiggly thing inside of me. Whatever this is, is so long and feels already like forever. My thoughts of forever are making me very sad and upset. The message I got from this other metoclopramide user was a huge trigger. Before this message, I was hanging in and hanging on expecting benzo things to get better. I will try to get back there.

 

I do love you all. I am a mess. But I am trying.

 

Peace2

 

Peace. If you ask a person in the heat of benzo withdrawal if they/we heal 100%, they will most likely tell you no. If you ask a vanilla ice cream salesman what the number one selling ice cream is, he will probably say vanilla. My point? Oftentimes when we are "head deep" in a perspective, its what we see. That poster who hosted a message to you -- is probably "head deep" in that perspective. "Head deep" perspective often sounds like its the "truth" or the "facts" because of the belief and/or passion that comes from the person in it. But a nontruth repeated 1,000 times is still a nontruth The truth, and the fact, is that you WILL heal 100%. Those withdrawal advisors that I posted about earlier? Only one of them is benzodiazepine/tranquilizer specifically. The other two deal with withdrawal syndromes created from a multitude of medications - and nonetheless, every one of their clients have healed.

 

You're not going to be "the one" who doesn't Love you, Mighty Girl (as Coop would say)

 

Mrs.

[[mr...]]

Robert ... ah ... whatever has been visiting me these past several days packed up their bags and buggered off late this afternoon ... been clear as a bell these last couple of hours ...

 

Quite exhausted, but I am not going to sleep for a while ... I want to enjoy this respite ...

 

How are you doing? ...

 

Nova! Hooray! :clap:

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

I hear you too, Mrs. But I'm going to argue for one more minute before I put a sock in it. The person I'm in touch with most about this migraine med took just four doses and is still a year later suffering its effects. He took no other meds (unlike me who went for SSRIs and benzos ). That's some seriously strong stuff if it hits you the wrong way. But you say we can heal even from that? I pray you're right. But I'm scared as all get out.

 

Peace2

 

[[Co...]]

Peace, I find myself where you are over and over. What if my cancer comes back? What if my sx are one of the gazillion other conditions that look just like w/d? ...What if my dizziness is really the very real possibility of an RA sx..which it can be as RA effects the bone structure of the jaw and inner ear. What if my on and off depression is RA related...I will never get better. My physician has assured me that although these are all possibilities they are unlikely. If I am in a a deep wave or vulnerable I worry ....a lot about the possibilities and don't feel reassured. But I think the Benzo w/d makes me worry more about possibilities than I would if I hadn't been on benzos. ....This is where I eventually land out. .  Nothing in life is a sure thing. Maybe some of the possibilities I worry about will become realities. But at this point ...on this day they have not ...to the best of my knowledge. Even though it was a physician who prescribed the benzos and kept upping my dosage ultimately causing me harm, the doctor I see now is honest and I know he would tell me straight up if he thought any of the things I worry about are more than possibilities....and he would do all that is in his power to help me stay healthy. I choose to trust his honesty....and his very real concern for me. .  I always land in the same place.  If it is not all w/d ( which I really believe in my case it is)  what could I do that I am not doing...what could my doctor do that he is not doing? ...Either way ( w/d sx or some other unlikely, though worrisome condition ) the only thing I can do is to do the best I can do with whatever w/d sx shows up on a given day. You are one of the best at doing the best you can on any given day with whatever shows up on that day. That is not to say that I do not have horrible days of doubt and " what ifs"....I just always end up in the same place....I am doing all that I can do with the information that I have. I also get very triggered by any suggestion of anybody else's health issues . I don't belong to a beast cancer or RA group...it would be poison to me.I would be in a constant state of anticipating bad things. Obviously I never go on the net to look up conditions.

....I am doing everything I know ( without becoming more hypochondriac than I tend to be ) to take god care of myself.

...Well I am rambling on and on. If it helps ...my health fears became worse in the second half of my first year , they are gradually getting better, but I think I will always lean slightly towards hypichondria. If I am vulnerable they are worse. Peace, you have just experienced the loss of your father...I would expect that you are a " mess" on some days...you are so allowed. I hope you don't feel that I am dismissing or minimizing your fear about a very real possibility that haunts you...because I so get it. When I am stressed I start obsessing about  worries that are real but that I can manage if I am not over stressed. I totally believe you that there is a possibility that your sx could be from your migraine medication....and you were completely traumatized by it...the thing is...it sounds like there is no way to know that at this point. If you can, I would try to delay the " what if" until you are 24 months out in w/d....it seems like time is the thing that will discern between w/d and prolonged migraine medication damage

....Forgive me Peace if I have come away sounding condescending , that is the last thing I want to leave you with. ..I believe you are in the throes of w/d on top of grief . I believe that because you sound so much like the rest of us in recovery.....and because I want to believe that you who are my friend is going to heal 100%; at the end of this brutal process.....love to you Peace...sending you wishes for relief from the worry of it all...it's so exhausting....coop

[[pe...]]

Coop,

What you give me every time is perfect because it is thoughtful, honest and so incredibly kind.

 

Thank you. This thing will wind down soon. I'll go back to living it with fewer questions. I'm not able to release my fears just yet. I'll work towards that over the next few days.

 

It's hard to find space for it all. Space to sit and have tea with the calm, more rational part of my mind. The part that sometimes says this is ok. It's not 'normal' or comfortable but it's ok and I can. I'll get there. With Time and support.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Peace...it is going to ease up...you don't have to let go of your fears until they move on. I have never been very successful at " overcoming" my fears...especially while I have been in w/d. They seem to come and go with a life of their own ...You are amazing and you are going to get through this Mighty Girl....coop

[[Co...]]

Jenny....Are you feeling any better. I hope so. ...I am kind of where you are today. Yesterday was such a good day and this morning was looking good....and then...on a dime it shifted and the infrequent depression that gets me just descended on me. ... I know we are all getting better , but the waves that follow on the heels of a window seem especially hard to bear...I get the fatigue too I think it's part of the depression....I hope you ( and I ) have a better day tomorrow. We are getting there Jenny. This is our year...and thank god we don't have to do the first year ever again....coop

 

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... had a five hour "nap" ... being able to rest is such a blessing ... you and I should open up a hypochondria school ... we both have the "degrees" ... 

 

I am not quite clear as a bell right now, probably a little hung over from the past days ... and it was just a good feeling to be in a place where I experience the release ... kind of a high ... nice to feel my "bounce" for a while ... although my wife did say "enough already, go sit down, you are making me dizzy" ...

 

Have a good evening and hope you get a good rest tonight out there in the PNW ... cold as hades around here ... hmmm ... that may not be right, but it sounds good ...

 

Bless you ...

 

 

 

[[No...]]

Peace ... "making room" is hard work, and well worth it ... we do know how to do this ... trust grows the more I practice it ...

 

[[No...]]

Jenny ... yep ... we can't make this stuff up ... hope you have a good rest ... thinking of you ...

 

[[Co...]]

Nova...so happy to hear you talk about your " bounce " again..

..I get the short lived spurts of clarity that fade too, it will come back....and the little jolt of euphoria does a body good. Sounds like a true bona fide sunbreak. That is so promising Nova....you have certainly earned it . ...Sleep well dear Nova and hope you wake up to a bright clear sunbreak tomorrow.

....the weathe here is uncharacteristicaly spring like..we usually have feet and feet of snow in Jan.  Nice but wierd...coop

[[dr...]]

Hi Coop ... had a five hour "nap" ... being able to rest is such a blessing ... you and I should open up a hypochondria school ... we both have the "degrees" ... 

 

I am not quite clear as a bell right now, probably a little hung over from the past days ... and it was just a good feeling to be in a place where I experience the release ... kind of a high ... nice to feel my "bounce" for a while ... although my wife did say "enough already, go sit down, you are making me dizzy" ...

 

Have a good evening and hope you get a good rest tonight out there in the PNW ... cold as hades around here ... hmmm ... that may not be right, but it sounds good ...

 

Bless you ...

 

 

Glad to see you're back!  Too funny on the wife comment. When I'm in a window I drive my gf crazy with all my energy,chat tines, and the wanting to do things.  I tell her she's in trouble when I heal

 

I've been off the boards a bit because reading about everyne getting hit including myself wears me down.

 

I have my cardiologist consultation tomorrow.  Don't think I'm dying but want to move the process along. Hope everyne has a good nights sleep

[[Co...]]

Drew....good luck with the test tomorrow...will be thinking of you. Hope you come on to let us know that all is well...coop

[[dr...]]

Thx...no tests. Just consult. It's a racket. 

[[mr...]]

I hear you too, Mrs. But I'm going to argue for one more minute before I put a sock in it. The person I'm in touch with most about this migraine med took just four doses and is still a year later suffering its effects. He took no other meds (unlike me who went for SSRIs and benzos ). That's some seriously strong stuff if it hits you the wrong way. But you say we can heal even from that? I pray you're right. But I'm scared as all get out.

 

Peace2

 

Peace,

 

"Argue" away

 

I'm not disagreeing with you on its potency. But the same can be said of benzodiazepines -- "taking four doses and still suffering its affects one year later". What about folks like Spunky? She took nine doses of benzos, but took 28 months to heal. There are many, many other success stories I've read of individuals who were 1-2 months usage or less -- who could probably total up their usage to less than 10 doses - and yet they've also all moved on to heal. Both myself and my grandmother had harsh tolerance and rebound symptoms from pill 1 - and had we discontinued usage within our first few weeks, I definitely believe that our withdrawals would've been similar to what mine is currently - despite a "short term usage".

 

I'm not trying to "argue" with "you", Peace - but I'll buck like heck anyday against "the voice of ney" that benzos (or any other drugs) try to bring. You WILL heal, with time. And it's okay, you certainly don't need to believe that or agree with it right now, or anytime soon -- because time will prove it to you

 

Just keep on keepin' on, sista. I'd probably feel & hear the same questions in my mind if I were in a similar position as you, too. You're not "doing" anything "wrong", to bring on this line of questioning in your mind, I believe Its just part of the process is all (ugh - does it have to be?).

 

I, like Coop, hope I haven't trivialized where you're at, or become condescending either. I jist want to lift you a bit higher, perhaps a bit higher than those thoughts? I sure hope its helped decrease those thoughts, and not just "ruffled feathers" with them. I'm a bit "buck-y" by nature, so it works well for me to rage a little "feather-ruffling" war with thoughts like that, with me Anyways, lol. Thinking of you Peace Sleep well.

 

Mrs.

[[ga...]]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this Peace.  You are not alone.  I am having a miserable time as of late.  Depressed, not coping with life and feeling completely hopeless.  I have not slept well for many days now.  These thoughts hit me so hard at night while lying in bed.  I try breathing deeply and telling myself everything is going to be okay.  It calms me on occasion but not to the point where I can fall asleep.  I have been through these "waves" for so long now it gets to the point you just want to throw your hands up and completely give up.  Rationally, I know things change...never constant.  This too shall pass and I will sleep again.  All I really want to do is live my life without all these fears and worries.  Will it ever happen...maybe in short spurts.  I just don't know right now.

 

I hope things start to improve.  Hold onto the fact they have in the past and they will again.  I guess that is what keeps me pushing on.  Sorry I am so negative right now.  I am right there with you and thinking of you.

 

 

 

[[pe...]]

Thank you for all of your replies. I forwarded some of the content to my sister so she could get a feel for what I get from this thread, why I'm 'always reading that stuff." She was grateful for and impressed by the kindness and care she found in your words. As am I.

I am hitting up against a busy work week, symptoms, weird thoughts of doom, health concerns for my family, etc. I know I need a break from it all to get centered back in the process of this. But all of your words were a help to that. I 'feel' 'better' about things today. Tired and worn but 'ready' to get in my car and go to work.

 

Bless you all in your own healing.

Peace2

[[No...]]

Garton ... I went over a year with almost no sleep ... and it didn't seem to make any difference ... now, if I get too little sleep I really feel it ...

 

I hear this is a hard struggle for you ... and my intermittent disruptions are only that ... and I know mine just come and go without that extra seasoning of doubt ...

 

I wonder ... have you ever tried doing any body scan relaxation ... not to fall asleep ... just to become aware of tension and stress in the body ... and you don't do anything without ... kind of like an acknowledgement process and a learning to feel it process ... it seems with awareness body tension will release on its own ... haven't got a clue how it works ... and I really don't care ... and it does ... takes a little time and some constant practice ...

 

If you think about the image of a bow being pulled back ... how much energy is stored there before it is released ... and also the phenomenon that when things are constantly tensed, they eventually do not relax, rather they go sort of just limp and kind of useless, yet still store this energy or tension ...

 

I know this occurs for me, I store this tension in my body, and it can enhance, and perhaps even generate, feelings of ill ease ...

 

Just a thought ...

 

Be well ...