12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Gonna shut down ... feeling pretty lousy and my focus is poor ... talk tomorrow ...

 

And I am okay ... we are all okay ...

 

[[Co...]]

Jrod....You seem to be following in the familiar pattern as so many of us. Months 9-12 can be so hard ...and disappointing and absolutely fatiguing. It seems that we have all hit a wall somewhere after the 6 month. We all expected to be so much better at 6 months only to be hit again with big waves. Even though we feel better in some respects and some days are bright windows, the waves still carry us out in the rip tide. I am just trying to accept that the whole of this is going to take the entire 24 months. I will tell you that I , and some others of us here have definitely felt a reliable shift towards healing in the months of 11, 12, and 13/14. My bad days are still bad but seem to be shorter in duration and conversly my good days are really good days with some being ' effortless mind' days that last longer than my previous windows.

....It is hard to be better and then worse, but it is so good to be nearing the end of your first year.  You are going to get to the end of this.  We all are . .Doesn't seem possible on so many days, but so many of us didn't think we could go past 6 months...and here we are 2 and 3 and 4 months into year 2 and getting better.. Wishing you a string of good days.  coop

[[Co...]]

Garton....wow.  you have a lot on your plate...so sorry to read that your dad is not well...I hope your mom will have an anti-viral for her shingles, they are terrible. I hope you are taking care of yourself in all of this. Does your father have care at home? ...One day at a time.. that's all any of us can do .  in any of the circumstances that come our way.

...Hope you are getting some rest even though your sleep is not good. ...Man , a lot of us are trying to ride the waves as best we can. .better days have got to be coming our way. Wishing you a better day tomor row Garton. ....coop

[[je...]]

Nova, so sorry you are getting hit so hard. I think its even harder on us this far out because we are so worn down. I hope you get some rest tonight. 

 

Coop, I test the envelope all the time with sugar. I always think I can have a little and then I end up depressed and wavy.. You would think I have learned by now, but nooo. I think you'll bounce back soon. 

 

Hi Mrs, I often find myself jealous of anyone who has the fear or panic when I'm crying in pain from my nerves being on fire. Funny how we do that... But honestly they are both bad, but I haven't had the panic in so long that I forget how horrible it can be. I hope your doing well tonight 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Lisa, I read a post of yours a few pages back in which you apologized for posting a bad day of discouragement , thinking that you were bringing gloom and doom to the thread. ...I can not tell you how much your post helped me that day. I was having a similar day and asking myself the same question, " us this just my life now. .am I going to be the one buddie who doesn't heal.  do I really have a serious health co dition?"....Your post assured me that once again I was just slogging through a tough bout of w/d sx because I was able to see that another buddie as far out as me was also slogging through yet another wave too...and it looked like my wave.

    This site is all about supporting each other and we all come back and back for support and encouragement because we all get it.  in waves we can not remember that things get better...we literally can not remember ...so we remind each other.  Please post when you need support. It helps all of us to know how each other is doing...on good days and bad days. I was glad to read that a few days later you posted that things were better.. Wishing you a long row of windows....coop

 

[[Co...]]

Mrs...you do such a great job of " weathering" your tough times. Isn't it a kick to get a full out panic after some time of no panics.  Hope that is the last one for you. ...thank you so much for all the support you bring to our group. All of the cutting and pasting that you do for us is do so helpful.

..Wishing you big bright windows Mrs....coop

[[...]]

Jrod....You seem to be following in the familiar pattern as so many of us. Months 9-12 can be so hard ...and disappointing and absolutely fatiguing. It seems that we have all hit a wall somewhere after the 6 month. We all expected to be so much better at 6 months only to be hit again with big waves. Even though we feel better in some respects and some days are bright windows, the waves still carry us out in the rip tide. I am just trying to accept that the whole of this is going to take the entire 24 months. I will tell you that I , and some others of us here have definitely felt a reliable shift towards healing in the months of 11, 12, and 13/14. My bad days are still bad but seem to be shorter in duration and conversly my good days are really good days with some being ' effortless mind' days that last longer than my previous windows.

....It is hard to be better and then worse, but it is so good to be nearing the end of your first year.  You are going to get to the end of this.  We all are . .Doesn't seem possible on so many days, but so many of us didn't think we could go past 6 months...and here we are 2 and 3 and 4 months into year 2 and getting better.. Wishing you a string of good days.  coop

 

Thx Coop,

I'm just 13 days behind your jump date but it might as well be 6 months! Last good window I had was 4 months ago in Sept for a hole 1.5 days.

I've had hours of not windows but tolerable symptoms here and there and occasionally 1/2 days of the same. But If I get 20 hrs of ease a week which is the average,that gives me the hope I need to plow on. And yes I too thought I'd be downtown by 6 months then 12 months have come and gone,now hoping 14-18 gives me more stability for the seemingly endless fight. It's great that your spending less time in the soup! you may want to sideline the espresso for another 12 months.

Take care and thx for your support !

[[...]]

Mrs thank you! Your steadfast support for all is truly appreciated!

[[He...]]

Hugs, Nova!   

I desperately hope that you are able to find some sleep tonight and this wave lessens for you.  The strength to endure through yet another wave after all this time is not humanly possible....yet we have it.  It may not feel like it, but we do.  The strength is there and it will see you through, see us ALL through.

 

<sigh>....but damn, it's tough. 

 

Love to you and lifting you in prayer. 

[[He...]]

Mrs....thanks for thinking of me.  It has been a grind since Xmas.  Mother came down with the shingles few days before the 25th.  Wife drove her home to California to be with her doctors.  My 93 y/o dad fell and is in rapidly declining heath the last few weeks...trying to decide what to do with him at this point.  Stressors have be mounting.  My anxiety, depression and worry have spiked.  Throw in not sleeping a caught on the hamster wheel with intrusive thoughts. Want to get off... Geeeez!  WTH is going on lately.  Breathe...one day at a time.  This too shall pass.

 

Oh my goodness Garton!  You are dealing with a lot of additional stress.  I'm so sorry. 

 

You're right, this too shall pass.  Breathe...

 

We are 18 months....this WILL pass, and it will pass soon.  ((((hugs))))

[[He...]]

Hi Jrod,

This is so old, isn't it?  I am just done, done, DONE with feeling/thinking/living benzos!!   

 

Better days are coming, and they are coming soon. 

 

Love to you! 

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone,

I'm sad to read that so many of you are struggling.  Big hugs sent to you all and I am keeping you lifted in prayer. 

 

My day showed more improvement, so I am cautiously optimistic.  I will celebrate any success I am having after being in the pit of hell for the past 6 weeks!  I slept better last night and I woke up without the dreaded anxiety, although it did find me for an uncomfortable wave about 30 minutes after I got up.  It didn't last long, but felt acidic and awful for the 15-20 minutes it hung around.  I have the yuck just under the surface again this evening, but at least I have been getting some measure of relief. 

 

I would count today as a "so/so" day.  Not good, but not bad.  At least it's a step in the right direction. 

 

Love to you all,

HH

[[mr...]]

Oh, how I love reading all your posts

 

Jenny...ummmmm...sugar and depression? Really? Hmm. Mrs. might be trimming back on the sugar then... Dang! Me likes the sugar!

 

Coop, soooo good to read your posts! I gleen a little bit from all of them, even if they're not written directly to me Cappuccino, eh?! You are more daring than I at this point! I, like Jenny, have been testing & pushing with sugar a bit - but definitely not caffeine yet!! You go girl.

 

Blue, LOVE the poem! Did you write that? How very fitting

 

Garton and Peace - you both are handling your full plates with grace and poise. Life is going to happen; and I believe that every trial that comes our way is designed to strengthen us. So this is just a good opportunity to practice the development of that strength. I'm lifting you up in prayer right now, and you're in my thoughts

 

G'night, Nova We'll see you in the morning, friend - and we'll find you with a full night's sleep

 

(((((WWWI)))))

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Jrod...it has only been in the last 6-8 weeks that I have had 24-48 hour windows Up until then I would maybe get one or two in a month.... I now have 1-2 of really good days in a week , but a better baseline throughout the week than before... but my baseline can include cycling short periods of sx...that sounds so confusing...maybe I am just finding complicated ways to be in continued denial. I do however think it is better than months 6-11..

....Yes, I think K it will be a other 12 months before I do another espresso. I am just sick sick sick of living so carefully. I want to meet my friends for a movie or concert...any movie or concert no matter how intense or emotional or  crowded...I want to go out for dinner and order whatever I want ...and have wine ...and dessential ...dessert with espresso...I want to go anywhere I used to go without hoping I won't get sidelined by sx.  Hopefully at the end of this year...for all of us....coop

[[Co...]]

Absolutely no more impulsive espressos! .  It's midnight in the PNW, 5 episodes of Frasier and several  chewed down fingernails and rls .....but it does make me aware that my restless insomnia  of tonight ...as restless and sleepless as it is is not anything close to the insomnia and wide awake anxiety and intrusive thoughts and fears that tortured me in acute. This is the usual garden variety insomnia that comes with having coffee late in the afternoon.

....Hoping tomorrow still has a decent baseline. .goodnight everyone...anyone who is still awake. .coop

[[No...]]

Good Morning ...

 

That was Tuesday ... this is Wednesday ...

 

It seems I did fall asleep, in a quiet dream ... and woke to a violent chill ... thought pieces were going to fly off my body ...

 

And rested again for a while ...

 

And yes, this is not acute ... this is the first Wednesday in January this year ...

 

Bless all of you for your encouraging words and marvelous posts yesterday ...

 

It is what it is ... this body healing ... this mind healing ... this soul healing ...

 

In the words of the Serenity Prayer ...

 

O God, give us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed,

The courage to change what can be changed,

and the wisdom to know the one from the other

 

Wishing everyone to know and feel the blessings of this day ...

 

[[Sk...]]

Nova, thanks for posting the prayer it's always nice to read it, it gives me strength.

 

I am in a tired spell now. My mornings are pretty awesome, the benzo thoughts come in full force in the evening, afternoon. I took a nice walk with mr Sky and my puppy Jaime, and suddenly, my legs went out on me, they became two pieces of wood!! I could not walk and I was panting ( doing a lot of that recently) and mr SKy could not believe it. If even he can't handle it, that means a lot.

I walked slowly behind them I could not bring myself to walk faster. People comment on how I look better than last year, but still look  haggard.

 

But then I do get my energy back, that is so confusing, it's literally like having you wind knocked out of your sails. THE guy who came up with this expression, clearly had been in benzo wd !!!

 

Garton, so sad to hear about your worries, your father. Hold on tight, with the help of your family, you will get through.

 

Fj, you wrote a beautiful post on being tired and  I don't remember what else, ,  it was sort of an answer to what Peace was talking about, how her family is grieving in one way or another.

 

Coop, sorry about the cappuccino experience.

 

MY mother had been having bad chest pains in the last two days. She went to the doc, and it seems to be her reflux. She is going to take pills for it but knowing is important. If your chest aches you worry, especially if you do have heart issues to begin with. SHe handles it all so calmly, I don't, so many horrid/FATALISTIC/catrastrophic thoughts go through my head, still at 14 months out. this is not me, these thoughts make me feel sullied though. BUt in the morning in the sun, my brain functions better, I am almost bright eyed and  bushy tailed. Almost.

 

My period is lighter this month, could I be going back to normality ? Only in this ? I know there are so many improvements, I do realize that.

 

Everybody have a better day and thanks for listening. I post little but I always try to lurk a little here where you guys save my life over and over again.

 

 

[[He...]]

Good morning,

 

I had a really rough night. Woke up at 1:00 with a cortisol surge, and spent the rest of the night trying to doze and bolting awake. Anxiety just coursing through me. 

 

This long wave is making me feel physically and mentally sick. 

 

I hate to say it, but I'm going to try and take a break for a couple days from BB. I've always noticed a pattern of being on it obsessively and my waves. What I'm not sure about is the causality....do I get worse the more I'm on here, or is it coincidental? It pains me to write that, because you all feel like a lifeline! I just have to try and figure out if constantly thinking about this is making me worse. I'm going to make myself step back for a bit. I can already tell it's going to be tough.  :'(

 

I'll check back in over the weekend, if I don't cave before then. The real test will be not allowing myself to lurk!

 

Love to you...

[[Fi...]]

HH-- if you're still reading!--I think stepping back from the BB board might be good for you.  I didn't want to say anything before, but when you were connecting right through your panic attack while driving the other day, I wondered if that was really helping you or making you worse.  I know you appreciated people being there for you but sometimes being allowed and encouraged to express too much of what's going on with you actually just focuses you on it rather than helping you to distract.  And how does your husband feel about you connecting with all of us while he's right there at your side?  My husband got better at saying and doing the right thing when I laid the positive reinforcement on him when he DID get it right, and then I could see it made him feel better to feel he was of some use!  You described the scene of driving and panicking so graphically, I couldn't help wondering the effect this would be having on your husband.

 

I can think of other times in my life where actually NOT having somebody to describe my anxiety to actually made me behave a little better and be braver and in the end this made it easier on me.  (Showing up for surgery pre-op checks on my own etc.)

 

I really hope this wave lets up for you.  We are all simply appalled when it gets this bad this far out, right?

 

That's how I'm feeling this morning, anyway.  I had written that I seemed to simply be in a period of terrible fatigue but that the dark times in the pit were behind me.  Ha! Spoke too soon!  There I was again, sobbing my heart out in the same bathtub where I was TWO YEARS AGO as I first came off the Oxycodone.  It's just appalling.  No celebrations here at red letter days off being "Off" drugs and no "using."  Just dull shock that I'm still here, suffering. 

 

I think this is like the distinction I believe it was Nova made about the benzo anxiety vs. the anxiety of being sick.  For me it's the latter.  I am just so so weary of never getting well no matter how long I hang in there.....

[Guest [...]]

HealingHope,I hope you start to feel better soon!I so get it,I also get the anxiety rush thing during the day,as well as the night,and just normal things can set it off-everything feels so darn overwhelming!Take care, rest and stay gritty!

[[pe...]]

I am circling the rabbit hole.

 

My story is different in that this started with a bad reaction to a migraine medication. I was contacted by someone who saw something I wrote about my experience with that med online. It has opened up that old can of worms because so many of the side effects from that medication are similar to benzo withdrawal and in some cases seem to be permanent. We know a lot about benzos compared to what people know about the drug, metoclopramide, I was given.

 

So, again I'm a hysterical mess because I don't know if, after I heal from benzos, I heal from the original issue which was caused by a different drug with a different mechanism of action. Doctors say they don't think the effects should be permanent. They don't know.

 

What do I do? I really feel like my life would be very difficult if this is my forever. Ugh. I am crying at work and just an absolute mess. We know who to turn to for benzo advice. Who do I turn to for this?

 

thanks,

Peace2

[[No...]]

HH ... we do what we need to do ... taking a break is okay ... staying connected here is okay ... I believe, at end of day, we do this journey alone ... and sometimes in the company of others ...

 

Be well ... talk soon ...

 

[[No...]]

Peace ... I hear you ... and I am not sure what to say ...

 

Is this an old unknown than has come up again? ... something from the past that got recently triggered? ... that's what I am hearing ...

 

And we know ... trying to foretell the future usually is not helpful ... can you step back from this for a bit? ... and just let it be there ... another unknown ...

 

For me, when I am in a place of demanding an answer right now to something that it is not possible to answer right now can truly mess me up for a bit ...

 

I hear this is very important for you ... and ... right now there is not a satisfactory answer ...

 

Can you step back for a little while and let this energy of not knowing quiet down? ...

 

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... had a pretty messy morning ... two very energized waves ... rattled my cage for a while ... got out for a while this afternoon, still cold, and the wind slowed down ... actually a little pleasant ... brought a couple of smiles ...

 

Still need about 4 years of sleep ... or so it seems ... I checked the want ads ... still no jobs for a Rip Van Winkle sort of person ...

 

These bouts of stress and tension sure bring on the sore spots ... oh well ...

 

Be Well ...

 

 

[[63...]]

Sorry to hear that your struggling today Nova....especially hard when we are this far out. Thinking of you my friend!