12-18 month support

[[Fi...]]

Hi all--I thought I would check in and post what MAYBE getting well looks like.  I feel guilty in a way because I feel so bad for all of you suffering this crippling anxiety which I've never really had with this except for a few episodes in the month or two after going off Xanax.  I'm 16 months off now but feel many of my last symptoms may be due to opioid withdrawal--two years off that now.

 

I wish I could say to you that I had that persistent anxiety but now I'm well, but I can't.  Still, I've had bouts of hellish, suicidal depression this whole time, so I relate to a horrible depth of suffering.  I actually think for the first time I can look back and see that the pattern of my healing shifted in October.  I still go ahead and have a good hard cry once in awhile (mostly out of pure frustration for just not getting well faster!) but it's wonderful to sense that the suicidal depths will not be revisited!

 

Now what I'm left with is this fatigue.  And up until October that really hadn't been one of my symptoms.  I was either up briefly, buzzing around, ready to be well, fearing I still wasn't and then of course I'd crash into paralyzing flu type symptoms and depression.

 

But now I'm just tired.  No energy.  Sometimes my adrenals ache.  The one other person on the board who said she'd experienced that same thing had my same drug history of Oxycodone and Xanax.  It does sound like what they call adrenal fatigue.

 

The other symptom is heart palps in the evening, something that I really hadn't been dealing with before.

 

So I've added B Vitamins and C's to my supplements and I'm just lying around doing nothing.

 

Clearly I am way past the intense suffering of so many of you, but I still feel that old benzo lie plaguing me:  This is it.  This is how you're going to be.  Seriously, with no energy, what can you do?  Okay Laura Hillenbrand wrote Unbroken with chronic fatigue, but I just can't 'understand it and she is my hero!

 

I think I was clinging to the stories of people just realizing they were getting better or, even better, the ones where people just one day knew they were well.  I really hadn't anticipated a long dragged out period of hopeless fatigue.

 

WiseWoman--I'm still rooting for the great person you were before to make a return on her own.  Too many stories on here of people getting as far as you have and then going off in search of the magic pill, only to find themselves in worse trouble.  I probably sound like a broken record on here, but in case you haven't heard me recommend ANATOMY OF AN EPIDEMIC, I think it should be required reading for anybody thinking of taking any kind of psych drug or putting their child on one.  I too have had such a load of anger to deal with in this.  I remember saying to my counsellor that I didn't understand why I felt so angry at the whole world.  This was when I was 8 months off Oxycodone and hadn't even figured out I needed to ditch the Xanax.  I thought surely I was just about well and what was with the anger?  Now I understand it so much better.  Of course I was angry!  Everybody was making me feel like I was this incredible loser.  Nobody was offering any kindness or understanding.  I was ALONE.  This included my husband at this point.  That's all in the past now, but one thing that's helped a lot is listening to a Belleruth Naparstek tape on Anger and Forgiveness.  It's just very calming to have somebody acknowledging that people who have been through what we've been through are bound to be mad!  Please check this out.  I promise you will find it comforting.

 

Peace--so sorry you've got so much coming at you at once.  Your story makes me look back at a lot of decades of family life.  This is the thing, see--when you're in a family you have more people to love and more people to worry over and have bad things happen to them.  You also have more people to hang onto each other.  But every once in awhile you hit a spot where it seems like the troubles are contagious.  Your dad dying and your son grieving aren't really separate bad things happening, though.  One bad thing happens and it affects others.  So you're in a bad patch here.  But you will hang together and come through it and be stronger as a family. 

 

I've personally had a lot of trouble with anger over benzo and opioid withdrawal because of the way people just can't understand it.  Like everybody here says, only the people on the BB board really understand.  I feel like I've done a ton of hanging on to other family members over the years and then this was MY crisis, the fight of my life, and I mostly haven't felt like people were there for me.  My husband did finally come to understand and he has been the greatest, but for quite awhile I seriously thought it was going to be the end of our 40 year marriage.  It's just really really hard.

 

But we all heal, right?  That's the story?  I wish somebody could tell me a story of healing through this fatigue, but my queries about it on the main board got no responses at all.

 

Hope tomorrow will be kinder to all of us.

 

Love,FJ

[[Gr...]]

Mrs said you were a great group of people. I would like to get to know you better. I am almost 2 years off Xanax after 25+ years use. I am still healing.

 

Blue

 

Hi, Blue, nice to have you.  May 2013 is two years for you?  If you don't mind my asking, how are you doing?  What are you dealing with these days?

 

susan

[[Gr...]]

Hi Guys!

So I made it through my appointment just fine.  She drew blood and is going to be testing my thyroid (said it felt "grainy" on one side when she felt it, whatever that means), and about 5 different vitamin/mineral levels. I am getting fit for a 24-hour cardiac halter thing on Friday.  It is purely to ease my own mind, she said that my heart sounded perfect and my blood pressure was excellent....but I told her my concerns so she is going with it. I'm waiting until Friday because you can't take a shower during the 24 hours. 

 

She thinks that my hormone levels are screwed up, and gave me a 6 page hormone questionnaire to fill out.  I think she may be testing my blood for hormone levels also.  She wants me to take 600mg of magnesium a day, plus a B-complex.  BUT....she said that it could all be normal and this is just my body recovering from the damage. We'll see what the tests show.  I'll be relieved either way....if it's hormonal and I can help it out a bit, great, but if everything is normal, at least I won't have the overwhelming fear that I'm dying making things worse. 

 

I'm starting to feel more like me again, and I'm hoping it stays around.  I am certainly not anywhere close to declaring my 6-week wave as over, by any means, but fingers are CROSSED that it's turning. 

 

It's been back to the races now that school has started up!  My younger daughter had a basketball game tonight and then I had to take her right to a late practice (8 - 9:30) for her traveling volleyball team.  I finally got home and am ready to soak in the tub before crawling into bed.  Luckily for me, my husband will pick her up when the practice is over!

 

Love to you all! 

 

Keep us posted, HH.  Is your doctor benzo wise?

[[mr...]]

Mrs said you were a great group of people. I would like to get to know you better. I am almost 2 years off Xanax after 25+ years use. I am still healing.

 

Blue

 

Hi, Blue, nice to have you.  May 2013 is two years for you?  If you don't mind my asking, how are you doing?  What are you dealing with these days?

 

susan

 

I am a little curious of this, too, Blue   It's been a long while since we've caught up!  How are you feeling these days?

 

Mrs.

[[Bl...]]

Mrs said you were a great group of people. I would like to get to know you better. I am almost 2 years off Xanax after 25+ years use. I am still healing.

 

Blue

 

Hi, Blue, nice to have you.  May 2013 is two years for you?  If you don't mind my asking, how are you doing?  What are you dealing with these days?

 

susan

 

I am a little curious of this, too, Blue   It's been a long while since we've caught up!  How are you feeling these days?

 

Mrs.

It is sweet of you to ask how I am doing. I am slowly healing. I still experience morning anxiety, though not as intense, nor does it last as long. My body also overreacts to additional stress with pounding heart and lack of focus. But I at least I can count on this yucky state passing if I just give it time.

 

Blue

 

Blue

[[mr...]]

Hey gang. Just checking in to 'break' the silence tonight.

 

Its been relatively quiet recently, and I hope this means that we're all feeling good. Nova, are you okay? I'm used to waking up to your soothing posts, and I missed that this morning. HH, how did your doctor's appointment go? I have a checkup appointment with my doctor on Friday that I'm looking forward to. You were/are in my thoughts. Sky, how are things going with you? Feeling any better (I hope)? Green, is your higher baseline still holding strong? Coop, I read about the "slap in the face" panic you experienced the other day - and I wanted you to know that I've had that, too. Thank God all these things pass, right? Always

 

Jenny-bell, been thinking if you. I find myself sometimes tempted to be 'jealous' of your symptoms only being physical, and none mental ~ but then I think, if I had only physical, would I be tempted to "trade" for mental ones? Lol, perhaps so. I hope improvements are happening for you all the time.

 

Jrod, my Endurance Brother! You are handling your journey with such strength and patience - I am so, so looking forward to the day you post that you've turned a corner

 

Drew - you know I love ya

 

Blue - you've been with me from my start here on the forum I'm so glad we're back on a thread together again - I've missed you

 

Garton, been thinking of you too And Life4me also How are things? Sleeping well?

 

To everyone else I've had a moment of "benzo brain" (WWWI!! FJ!!), I hope things are well with you also.

 

I hope to hear from some (dare I hope for all?) of you soon - oh, how I love reading your posts I tend to be more of a "lurker" and a "sporadic" poster, I s'pose...but reading this thread is one if my favorite things to do throughout the day, I'll confess

 

Anyways, I hope all is well gang I'm thinking of you often

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Hi ...

 

Having a difficult time ... haven't slept since Saturday night ... not more than a few minutes here and there ... getting jolted awake with the vibrations ... and during the day not much better ...

 

Am very tired and just enduring this stuff ... too cold or messy to get outside ...

 

Seems doing almost anything is generating a stress response ... trying to stay quiet and slow ...

 

This is a very deep wave ... and very relentless ...

[[mr...]]

Hi ...

 

Having a difficult time ... haven't slept since Saturday night ... not more than a few minutes here and there ... getting jolted awake with the vibrations ... and during the day not much better ...

 

Am very tired and just enduring this stuff ... too cold or messy to get outside ...

 

Seems doing almost anything is generating a stress response ... trying to stay quiet and slow ...

 

This is a very deep wave ... and very relentless ...

 

Oh (((((Nova)))))

 

What a bummer - but it must be that 14-15 month wave, right? The one that leaves a much higher baseline when it leaves...yep, that's the one.

 

Thinking of you, Nova. Know that the wave will let up eventually -- hope that the wave will let up soon

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Mrs ... yep ... a bummer ... feels like it has been going on forever ... this about when acute started for me last year ... having thoughts the last few days that I going to get to do it all over again ...

 

That's not the case ... and ... that's what it feels like right now ...

 

Yes, they always run of steam ... eventually ...

 

[[Co...]]

Hi 12-18 buddies. .jumping on here to  heck in. I have been reading but have no hope of cathing up with everyone.

....I started out today with a great ' effortless mind ' day. .and foolishly...throwing all caution to the wind in a celebratory whim drank a glorious full leaded dark brewed Sumatran cappuccino .....boy did I pay for that.  anxiety and dread soon smashed my effortless mind day and I am still tryin to hold my ground with anxiety and health fear.  What the heck was I thinking.  Oh, I know what I was thinking.  it went something like this, " .  This feels like a completely normal happy day.  I am sick sick sick of measuring out every normal action in careful increments for fear of triggering some stinkin' sx.  I am going to throw caution to the wind and live like the normal person I used to be and drink a lousy cappuccino in the afternoon".  .. Nope ...not that normal yet.  crap crap crap.

    On the up side , I did go to the movie with my grandson and had a great time and managed just fine. The movie was full if noise and one big Hobbit battle after another ( as my grandson happily said, " a ton of great action") and even at that I was goid. The next day however was anxious and even brought me a panic which I haven't had in some time. That seems to be consistent with my pattern.  A day out with some pushing myself is usually followed by some back sliding and fatigue the next day. ...

...Having said all of that.  I  am still feeling the healing underneath the sx.. Better with a good and reliable baseline ( about 85-90 % even with some sx)..  but still waves with anxiety and health fears and infrequent twisted depression.

.  .I am fully expecting another 8/9 months of keeping on keeping on...hope everyone hangs on with this thread for at least another 7 months because I can't keep on keeping on without you.  coop

[[Co...]]

Nova...my heart is so with you. I just hate to hear that you are in such a deep wave.. I have no cheerful rah rah words...you have heard them all many times over..  just know that I think it stinks.  it's not fair...and I want it to be over over over for you. ...Wishing you a much much better day tomorrow.. love to you dear friend....coop

[[mr...]]

Mrs ... yep ... a bummer ... feels like it has been going on forever ... this about when acute started for me last year ... having thoughts the last few days that I going to get to do it all over again ...

 

That's not the case ... and ... that's what it feels like right now ...

 

Yes, they always run of steam ... eventually ...

 

 

Yep, you're definitely NOT going to have to go through acute again...stupid benzo lies. Sheesh. Those waves are no fun, are they? Let's just gently shoo it along it's way...

 

Anything else new in the Nova household? Any new pets? Visitors? Etc?

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Coop ... yep ... I wish it was over ... for everyone ...

 

This getting blasted when I am falling asleep is discouraging ...

 

So ... you have the Sumatran Jitters ... you are a braver person than I am ... if I had a real coffee I am not sure I would ever land ...

 

Take Care ...

 

[[pe...]]

Love you, Nova. Hoping it breaks soon. In the mean time I'll see if I can find a gift for you, perhaps a poem.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

HH.  so glad to hear that you saw your doc and got through it . I think you will be greatly reassured with your test results and the results of your heart monitor strip. .  You are a few months ahead of me , but my pattern is very much like yours. Some stretches of days that are good and functional.  .and then days right out of acute and thinking this is my life forever. .. I think there are several of us who are not that far behind you still waking up to acute some days. I will be wat hung your posts to hear all that your tests reveal..You are brave HH to go see your doc. I am trying to find the courage to go to the dentist ...I just can't do it yet... but I have a broken molar so I am going to have to go.. I will be borrowing courage from your bravery ....Are you doing better ?....Wishing you sunbreaks and a string of effortless mind days...coop

[[Wi...]]

Nova - Breathe, distract, endure...rinse and repeat.  Sending  you good ju ju

[[No...]]

Mrs ... nothing new around here except the dust bunnies ...

 

When I run out of steam physically, my thought machine fills the void sometimes ... and it is not always helpful ...

 

And we always manage to get through this stuff ...

 

[[Co...]]

Nova...I went through a spate a couple of weeks ago in which I said exactly the same thing...."this is acute all over again"..when it finally lifted ( I think it was close to 5 days) my baseline was better...and has remained better......

..We are all holding you in our hearts...we are here for you and you and this will end...Wishing you sleep and a respite from your wave....coop

[[No...]]

WWWI ... that's what we do ... endure ...

 

Some solid sleep would be welcome ... without the sleep I can get a little frazzled ...

 

Remarkable how I went over a year with very little sleep ... and after getting it back, I now feel it when I don't have it ... oh well ...

 

[[Co...]]

Mrs. ....definitely not braver....absolutely stupid on that one.. no more afternoon coffee for me..not even decaf.  That was an easy win for benzo...

[[Bl...]]

The Candle

 

I dim, I dim

I have no doubt

If someone blew

I would go out

 

I did not

I must be stronger

Than I thought.

[[Co...]]

* Nova...that reply was to you .. *

[[Co...]]

Blue...welcome to our group. There are such wonderful caring generous people here to travel along with. I wouldn't have made it past month 6 without these dear friends.

    coop

[[No...]]

Blue ... sorry I did not acknowledge you earlier ... welcome to the group ...

 

[[ga...]]

Mrs....thanks for thinking of me.  It has been a grind since Xmas.  Mother came down with the shingles few days before the 25th.  Wife drove her home to California to be with her doctors.  My 93 y/o dad fell and is in rapidly declining heath the last few weeks...trying to decide what to do with him at this point.  Stressors have be mounting.  My anxiety, depression and worry have spiked.  Throw in not sleeping a caught on the hamster wheel with intrusive thoughts. Want to get off... Geeeez!  WTH is going on lately.  Breathe...one day at a time.  This too shall pass.