12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Coop ... bless you ... and ... I believe it is important for us to hear what we each are going through ... day to day ... for me, it helps keep the isolation of the journey at bay ...

 

I know it is hard sometimes to put this stuff down in a post ... almost feeling re-traumatized sometimes ... and it can feel discouraging ... and it helps me to remember where I have been and where I am today ... a little perspective in the non-linear chaos ...

 

For me, laughter is a sign I am still breathing ... I also use the one foot test ... if I can stand on one foot, right then left, I am okay ... true or not, it reassures me ...

 

This has been a long few weeks for me ... the three week cold/flu stuff and now this several day in and out wavey stuff ... yes ... as long as it takes ... can we get Indian Summer during Winter? ... oh well, it is what it is ...

 

Did you enjoy your movie outing? ...

 

Have a good evening ...

 

[[pe...]]

I am sorry, always to hear of the individual and collective continued suffering. I am bumping up against my return to work tomorrow and feeling quite awful. It is hard to show up and feel both strange and inadequate day after day. I want to feel better, I want to feel healed. As we all do. I never imagined the journey would be this long or this hard. Only made easier by time and bb and a few sweet friends.

 

Tomorrow is another day. 

[[No...]]

HH ... your word "clutching" reminds me of the ice skater image of a few days ago ... and it holds the idea of going slow ...

 

Panic can seem like the spinning skater ... holding tight, going faster and faster ... disappearing into a void ...

 

Or ... the expansion of floating over the ice, slowly ... expressing in movement whatever feelings are present ...

 

In panic, as soon as I can recognize it, I stop what I am doing ... acknowledge the panic ... say it out loud ... announce it ... get into my breath ... make a tea ... put all I can into slow motion, exaggerating if need be ... and give a little smile ... and whether the "state" lasts 2 or 3 minutes or 2 or 3 hours ... I am okay ... I am safe ...

 

For me, the smile is important ... it is always more generous to greet visitors with a smile than with a frown ...

 

Putting the words down makes it seem easy ... sometimes it is ... sometimes it is not ... and I never know the duration ... and the instant I smile I reaffirm I am safe ...

 

Panic can be the skater spinning into the void ... or ... the skater slowly expanding and expressing the moment ... my choice ... when I can recognize it ...

 

[[He...]]

HH ... your word "clutching" reminds me of the ice skater image of a few days ago ... and it holds the idea of going slow ...

 

Panic can seem like the spinning skater ... holding tight, going faster and faster ... disappearing into a void ...

 

Or ... the expansion of floating over the ice, slowly ... expressing in movement whatever feelings are present ...

 

In panic, as soon as I can recognize it, I stop what I am doing ... acknowledge the panic ... say it out loud ... announce it ... get into my breath ... make a tea ... put all I can into slow motion, exaggerating if need be ... and give a little smile ... and whether the "state" lasts 2 or 3 minutes or 2 or 3 hours ... I am okay ... I am safe ...

 

For me, the smile is important ... it is always more generous to greet visitors with a smile than with a frown ...

 

Putting the words down makes it seem easy ... sometimes it is ... sometimes it is not ... and I never know the duration ... and the instant I smile I reaffirm I am safe ...

 

Panic can be the skater spinning into the void ... or ... the skater slowly expanding and expressing the moment ... my choice ... when I can recognize it ...

 

 

I very much agree with this analogy, having just come out of it.  It was very much like the skater spinning. I can imagine how tight and pulled in they have to be in order to do that maneuver, and that is as tight as my rib cage and entire torso has been lately during my anxiety.  Last night on the drive home, I worked hard to try and relax my abs, taking slow deep breaths, and I tried to give some smiles.  It really, really seemed to help.  I was still very uncomfortable, but I wasn't frantic and sure I was dying like I was on the way up there.  I will be working on flowing with the sensations, rather than tightening up. 

 

About the smile, I have read that by smiling we can somewhat trick our minds out of negative emotions.  I stood in the bathroom this morning with tears in my eyes and a sense of utter doom in my heart and smiled at my reflection.  As I did, I could sense a subtle shift and the smile became a bit less forced.  Maybe that is why I am so much better when I am out in public, rather than by myself, because I am smiling.  Interesting thought, really.    Time to smile more, people! 

 

Michael, you are so very, very wise and we are lucky to have you in our group.  I have learned so much from you!    I hope you know how much you are appreciated.

[[He...]]

I am sorry, always to hear of the individual and collective continued suffering. I am bumping up against my return to work tomorrow and feeling quite awful. It is hard to show up and feel both strange and inadequate day after day. I want to feel better, I want to feel healed. As we all do. I never imagined the journey would be this long or this hard. Only made easier by time and bb and a few sweet friends.

 

Tomorrow is another day. 

 

I hope your day back is smooth tomorrow, Peace.  I will be thinking about you. 

[[No...]]

Peace ... indeed ... tomorrow is another day ...

 

And tonight you are feeling what you are feeling ... strange and inadequate ... I too know strange and inadequate ... many of us do, very often, during this long journey ...

 

I am tired this evening ... the end of another long day ... seems all I have left tonight is a hug for you ... sitting for a while ... holding your story ... holding your hand ...

 

And ... these feelings will change ... maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow ... just know they will change ... and know ... you are not alone ...

 

[[No...]]

HH ... thank you ... wisdom is collective ... we each have the wisdom of our individual lives and stories ... and we pool and share this wisdom in this group and other venues if we are blessed enough to have them ...

 

This pooling of wisdom and its sharing ... it feeds me ... sustains me ... during the long hours and months of this journey ...

 

Our lives and our sharing are the blessings we give to ourselves and each other ... some traditions call this "communion" ...

 

[[No...]]

Have a good evening Folks ... time for these old bones to rest for a while ... it is a joy to spend time with you ... thank you for being here ...

 

[[pe...]]

Peace ... indeed ... tomorrow is another day ...

 

And tonight you are feeling what you are feeling ... strange and inadequate ... I too know strange and inadequate ... many of us do, very often, during this long journey ...

 

I am tired this evening ... the end of another long day ... seems all I have left tonight is a hug for you ... sitting for a while ... holding your story ... holding your hand ...

 

And ... these feelings will change ... maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow ... just know they will change ... and know ... you are not alone ...

 

 

Thank you, Nova. I am moved to tears by your generosity and your willingness to hold and be held here in our little corner of the world. And maybe the gentle way you come to us reminds me of the gentleness of my own sweet father, who departed this earth just three weeks ago. And that makes your support and your healing all the more precious.

Sleep well, friend.

 

Peace2

[[dr...]]

Sleep well everyone...

 

Peace, I reurn too.  I have the apprehension also. Remember that we have done this soooo many times already.  Whatever is handed to us we can deal with.  Just typing this has made me realize it's such a mind game to worry about tomorrow.  We will feel different and we can handle whatever

[[pe...]]

Thanks, Drew. If Nova's going to play my 'dad' then I pick you to be the older brother I never had. 

Tomorrow we work, like we've done so many times before and tonight we sleep and dream wonderful dreams.

I'm getting pretty good at writing and casting this 'play'. In the end.... we all heal. And curtain.

 

Peace2

[[dr...]]

Hey...I'm 46...possibly your younger brother?

[[pe...]]

Nope. Drew, you got me by about ten years. This should be no surprise based on the youthful (needy) spirit of my posts.

 

Good night, Bro.

Peace2

[[He...]]

Good night everyone. Praying you all have restful and healing sleep. Tomorrow it's back to work for me, too.

[[je...]]

Your all gonna do great, have a good night everyone 

[[mr...]]

Hey...I'm 46...possibly your younger brother?

 

I'm 32 (for another 27 days, daggummit!!), so...Daddy?

 

Jus' pickin' on ya, bud

 

Ready for 33 - its gonna be the best year of my life, to-date! I declare it!

 

Ok, I'm dozing as I type...time for beddy-bye for Mrs.

 

Mrs.

[[Fr...]]

HI everyone, just reading through this thread.

 

Coop - going for a physical definitely sounds like a sign of healing to me.  For sure.

 

It sounds like you all are healing nicely and I'm so happy for you.

 

Lisa

[[dr...]]

My hairline trigger panic is back today which isn't unexpected after a long layoff of being at work.  Morning started fine.  A bit later I got hit with some eye wierd stuff.  Streaking floater thingies.  They lasted a whole ten seconds but it was enough for my mind to go into panic mode of something catastrophic. I didn't let the intial surge go into a full blown panic attack. 

 

I am really noticing lately my thoughts are a direct connection to my panic response in my body.  I find myself getting anxious over symptoms I do not have or are minor.    The way I look at it is that as we are outside our comfort zones aka couch/bed our stress level is raised the whole time.  I know these feelings won't hurt me as uncomfortable as they are so I am now looking at this as exposure therapy to overcome the anxiety/panic.  Not fun at all but what is the alternative?  stay at home and think about my symptoms and what I can't do.  No..this week I push back a bit on my panic/anxiety.

[[Bl...]]

I have been there Drew and it became easier. You will develop new comfort zones. Good for you for pushing back!!!

 

Blue

[[mr...]]

I have been there Drew and it became easier. You will develop new comfort zones. Good for you for pushing back!!!

 

Blue

 

(((((BLUE)))))

 

You came over!!!!!!!! Hooray!!!

 

Welcome to the thread, buddy

 

Mrs.

[[mr...]]

My hairline trigger panic is back today which isn't unexpected after a long layoff of being at work.  Morning started fine.  A bit later I got hit with some eye wierd stuff.  Streaking floater thingies.  They lasted a whole ten seconds but it was enough for my mind to go into panic mode of something catastrophic. I didn't let the intial surge go into a full blown panic attack. 

 

I am really noticing lately my thoughts are a direct connection to my panic response in my body.  I find myself getting anxious over symptoms I do not have or are minor.    The way I look at it is that as we are outside our comfort zones aka couch/bed our stress level is raised the whole time.  I know these feelings won't hurt me as uncomfortable as they are so I am now looking at this as exposure therapy to overcome the anxiety/panic.  Not fun at all but what is the alternative?  stay at home and think about my symptoms and what I can't do.  No..this week I push back a bit on my panic/anxiety.

 

I have some soreness in my right breast, which tries to be blown out of proportion into either breast "c" word (I won't even dignify the ridiculous thought by typing the word) or lymph node symptoms.

I also have a little left shoulder & chest muscle tension, which tries to be blown out of proportion into heart concerns.

 

I swear, its like a one-(wo)man comedy act up there in my brain sometimes!

 

We are healthy and whole, friend. I've got a doctor appointment to confirm this as well. I think you're right, with being off and home, vs up and out/about. And I'm pushing back on fear/panic/anxiety right alongside you this week. My mantra: NO MORE.

 

Love to ya bro,

 

Mrs.

[[Bl...]]

I have been there Drew and it became easier. You will develop new comfort zones. Good for you for pushing back!!!

 

Blue

 

(((((BLUE)))))

 

You came over!!!!!!!! Hooray!!!

 

Welcome to the thread, buddy

 

Mrs.

Thank you for the warm welcome Mrs

 

Blue

[[dr...]]

Mrs....we can start a "chest pain that isn't a heart attack club but scares our brain into making irrrational judgements" group

 

In all seriousness I hope you feel better.

[[ma...]]

Good to read these posts and see that others had to struggle with going back to work today...Had breathing issues a good part of the day. Also an overall anxiety that just lingers around. Did not sleep much last night even though I did not feel too much anxiety about it yesterday. Oh well I don't claim to understand this process at all. I just get up each day and do what I believe I am supposed to do. Sometimes I don't even feel like I can think but I just keep going. I hope you guys understand! Looking forward to heading home now and getting some sleep tonight.

[[mr...]]

Mrs....we can start a "chest pain that isn't a heart attack club but scares our brain into making irrrational judgements" group

 

In all seriousness I hope you feel better.

 

 

Mrs.