12-18 month support

[[mr...]]

Drew ... yep ... another day in the books ...

 

I got a little sleep ... mostly broken ... mostly rolling with this on again off again anxiety feelings ... early here on the east coast ... maybe I can get some more rest ...

 

 

(((((Nova)))))

 

I didn't take the time to mention it when you posted it, but when you described the egg situation about how your brain tries to "attach" "fear" to "stories"...well wow! I loved how you put that! What reassurance that others experience things like that, too - you know?

 

I sure hope you got some more rest You ride your waves with such grace and peace -- do you know that? Its "Wow!" to me

 

Mrs.

[[mr...]]

Hey Mrs.  Great video by Ian.  I had a weird brain night with the feelin that " I'll be stuck like this" and I just kept watching the videos. 

 

It's really helpful for us to see we mostly have all  the same symptoms with slight variations.  Makes it easier to realize we will heal. 

 

Tough day but it's in the books.

 

Ian is amazing. When anxiety hit for the first time in my withdrawal, I didn't know what to do with it -- I, like HH, never had anxiety pre-benzos. Coming across Ian and his two videos BREATHED life back into me. And watching the three withdrawal advisor's interviews were eye opening for me, in that I realized - hey! -if they say we ALL heal, then We. All. Must. Really. Heal. They've seen THOUSANDS. So, they probably know best whether we will heal or not, you know? Credible sources of information: a professional benzo-wise withdrawal advisor who has worked with thousands of people in our situation...ooorrr someone who is in the heat of their own withdrawal, a bit "stuck" in their own perspective & fear? Righto - withdrawal advisor it is.

 

Keep on, brotha. Fight the good fight.

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Mrs ... thank you for your kind words ... it has been a long few days for me ... and things are not evening out today ... doing my impersonation of acute this morning ... and I am getting lots of applause ... I must be doing it well ...

 

Hoping for a quiet day for everyone ...

 

[[je...]]

So sorry Nova, praying your day gets better 

[[mr...]]

Mrs ... thank you for your kind words ... it has been a long few days for me ... and things are not evening out today ... doing my impersonation of acute this morning ... and I am getting lots of applause ... I must be doing it well ...

 

Hoping for a quiet day for everyone ...

 

 

That made me giggle a bit Totally not laughing at your pain, though - just at the cute way you described things

 

It will pass. Soon. And, it will leave a higher baseline

 

Love to you, Michael.

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Thanks for the encouragement, Folks ... it is what it is ... and it has been a helluva' lot worse ... and this thing about a higher baseline after waves ... if mine gets any higher I am going to need a trampoline to get hold of it ...

 

What do you do with a baseline anyway? ... sit there and wait for the ball to go over it and listen for the umpire to holler 'out'? ...

 

I turned on the oven this morning to bake a loaf of bread ... it dinged and the screen said 350 ... I thought 'that's not the right time' ... turned off the oven to fix the clock ...

 

It has been that kind of day ... 

[[je...]]

Nova, you are so funny! You just gotta laugh at these things sometimes  you have such a great attitude, I love it! Jenny

[[Wi...]]

When things are challenging do you find that your self esteem/confidence take a hit?

[[He...]]

 

Nova,

I am so sorry that you are getting hit so hard lately, too.  This has got to end soon, if not all of it then at least the replay of acute! Once was more than enough.  I wish I could handle things with your strength and dignity. Your calmness and advice helped me so much yesterday. Thank you!

 

I had a wake every couple of hours with adrenaline pumping kind of night. It's all still simmering under the surface, making me feel depressed, afraid, and somewhat nauseous.

 

I keep holding on to the fact that I did NOT have anxiety like this before, so it's unlikely that this is who I am now. I have to admit to a fear that this process broke me somehow and created this, but then I listen to the experts about EVERYONE healing and periods of feeling worse (even this far out) is characteristic. I'm struggling with the "yes, but not me" voice.

 

Wishing you healing! 

[[He...]]

When things are challenging do you find that your self esteem/confidence take a hit?

After a really bad episode, like I had yesterday, I feel like a scared, small child. Right now I have almost no confidence and the world feels dark and dangerous.  Even after 18 months, hard waves leave me shaken to the core.

 

[[No...]]

HH ... you are welcome ...

 

I believe there is a distinction to be made between the anxiety we experience physically as we are healing ... and ... the anxiety we can generate for a multitude of other reasons ...

 

If my anxiety is the result of a fear that I am dealing with, I have options ... if it is the result of healing then it seems all I can do is let it be, because it will pass on its own ... in this instance it is not "mine" ...

 

The fear of being broken or damaged as a result of this process is real and often experienced by many on BB ...

 

And, I believe I ain't broke ... and neither is anyone else here ... a little warped from time to time, yes ... but not damaged ... the courage and steadfastness I see around here does not come from folks who are broken ...

 

Yes it often feels like we have gone too many rounds with the heavy weight champion ... and we always enter the next hour, the next day strong and determined as ever ...

 

Resilience ... that is what we are afflicted with ...

 

[[No...]]

WWWI ... short answer, yes ... especially when things get going too fast and heavy ... so, my response to that, when I remember, is to get into what I call go slow mode ... what do I need to do right now, that I can do ... if I can get back to myself and see that I am doing okay even in a storm, then then I don't seem to take such a big hit in the self esteem department ...

 

And if I do take a hit ... well ... I take a hit ... smile and move on ... I am doing the best that I can do, as we all are ... and I find judging my being the way I am right now, or being judged inappropriately by others, is a waste of energy ...

 

I will stand up and be measured when this is over ... in the meantime I slouch a lot ...

 

[[Wi...]]

When things are challenging do you find that your self esteem/confidence take a hit?

After a really bad episode, like I had yesterday, I feel like a scared, small child. Right now I have almost no confidence and the world feels dark and dangerous.  Even after 18 months, hard waves leave me shaken to the core.

I really empathize with you and am sending you healing, healthy, gentle, calming thoughts 

[[Wi...]]

WWWI ... short answer, yes ... especially when things get going too fast and heavy ... so, my response to that, when I remember, is to get into what I call go slow mode ... what do I need to do right now, that I can do ... if I can get back to myself and see that I am doing okay even in a storm, then then I don't seem to take such a big hit in the self esteem department ...

 

And if I do take a hit ... well ... I take a hit ... smile and move on ... I am doing the best that I can do, as we all are ... and I find judging my being the way I am right now, or being judged inappropriately by others, is a waste of energy ...

 

I will stand up and be measured when this is over ... in the meantime I slouch a lot ...

 

There may be other ways, but slowing down and calming or as you put it "slow mode" is the only way I've found that can be effective as well.  But for me, it seems that it's the nature of my anxiety/wd/or whatever it's called, to experience some level of loss of confidence.  It seems to be a matter of degrees depending on how things are going.

 

I support slouching 

[[Gr...]]

Thanks everyone!

I still can't believe it, I've not had any sign of healing or improvement in this area and I had pretty much given up hope that it would ever improve. I woke up today a little scared that it would be back to my normal not being able to breathe, but I'm happy to report I can still get a deep breath. I know it may not last, so I'm just enjoying it. This should all give us hope, that literally over night our sx  can leave or change. Love, jenny 

 

Jenny, was that the cement chest?  I am very happy for you

 

 

 

Yes, feels like a tight band around my lungs and I could only get air to a certain point but not a deep breath. When I was in tolerance l was told I had asthma, but the inhalers never worked for me so Im hoping it was just from the benzos. Also, I have POTS so that affects the breathing too.

 

Jenny,

 

I've heard of a number of ppl diagnosed with asthma during use/toler/wd, and i'm one of them.

 

I'm kind of shocked that cement chest lasted so long for you, that you've had I all this time.  that is one horrible, awful symptom.  You never complain, really, rarely talk about what you have going on.

 

I'm very, very happy it left.  It's so weird, I never used to understand how an awful symptom can leave in one minute, on a dime, but that's exactly what happens.  I'm celebrating for you! 

[[Gr...]]

The one thing I keep coming back to is that I NEVER had anxiety like this before. Ever. That must mean this is all withdrawal, and if it's withdrawal I will heal. It's just a matter of making it through. That's what the experts and those who have healed all say, right?

 

God, I am so tired of feeling the need to cry all over this thread. I'm sorry....I'm sure you guys are tired of hearing me. This past month has just absolutely pulled the rug out from under me.

 

Made it back home without another panic attack.  One more victory in this war.

 

HH, no, I'm not tired of hearing from you.  I'm glad we can be here for you.  I'm thinking of all the times I've been where you are and you've been there for me.  and I'm thinking how much this sucks, this far out, and I'm thinking this is probably one of your last major waves.  You're right, you've had a lot of good days, but when you wave, you wave, GF.  Waves this bad and this long, there really is great healing going on.  You just need to breathe and get through this as best you can.

[[Gr...]]

Mrs ... thank you for your kind words ... it has been a long few days for me ... and things are not evening out today ... doing my impersonation of acute this morning ... and I am getting lots of applause ... I must be doing it well ...

 

Hoping for a quiet day for everyone ...

 

 

 

Nova, I'm sorry you're still dealing with this wave.  You really haven't had many good days, hardly any.  But you still heal, you still get better, the road has just been harder for you.  Feel better.

[[Gr...]]

HH ... you are welcome ...

 

I believe there is a distinction to be made between the anxiety we experience physically as we are healing ... and ... the anxiety we can generate for a multitude of other reasons ...

 

If my anxiety is the result of a fear that I am dealing with, I have options ... if it is the result of healing then it seems all I can do is let it be, because it will pass on its own ... in this instance it is not "mine" ...

 

The fear of being broken or damaged as a result of this process is real and often experienced by many on BB ...

 

And, I believe I ain't broke ... and neither is anyone else here ... a little warped from time to time, yes ... but not damaged ... the courage and steadfastness I see around here does not come from folks who are broken ...

 

Yes it often feels like we have gone too many rounds with the heavy weight champion ... and we always enter the next hour, the next day strong and determined as ever ...

 

Resilience ... that is what we are afflicted with ...

 

 

Nova is right.  We are the strongest people on the planet.  There have been BBs here who survived chemo, MS, Coop has RA, breast cancer, broken hips, they all say the same thing, a cakewalk compared to withdrawal.  Heroin addictions are awed by benzo withdrawal.  And it goes on two years.  Once whatever it is happens in our brains happens, it's two years to heal.  The level of suffering is so great, most of us are profoundly changed, for many it's a life changing event.

[[He...]]

Shell-shocked.

I think that's the word to describe how I feel today.  This past week has been one of the worst I have gone through in this recovery process, and the month of December has been the toughest since passing one year. I sure hope the conventional wisdom that waves equals healing is true!

 

This morning I am overwhelmed with a fear tinged gloom.  I'm going to try to go for a walk today, and I have to go into my classroom to get ready for the week.

 

I wish you were here in person to go for a walk with me.  :'( 

Holding you all in my heart.

 

 

 

 

 

[[Sk...]]

Healing, I just read about your attack of panick, I am so sorry you had to go through this. I know how it kills your self esteem, how unkind the world seems after.  YOu have writtten so many hopeful posts, that inspired me, I wish I c ould help.

 

I have been so busy, too busy, dangerously busy. I am pushing myself, doing my things and trying to help out at my mother's place. I actually get very little done, but the effort is brutal and I feel so tired and I doze off at 9 in the evenings until 12 pm. I nearly missed the new year that way !!

SO, I am not here as much as I would like, which makes me feel awful and insecure.BB provokes addiction ?  Am I in BB wd ?

 

Vibrations, gone. My 24 hour waves gone. "Just" having trouble with my heart now and then, and I am colder than usual. I start freezing and trembling,shaking .

I get crushing anxiety at times, especially in the afternoons, it is on a regular basis now. But somehow I am managing. Many ugly thoughts, those are so ugly.

IBs, big time and let's leave it at that. But that is the least of my worries.

 

I am less of a recluse than before my trip, my mother was very sick and I make sure she takes some short walks, while she is getting her strength back, she is getting so much better. THen there is a l ong list of things I try to do every day. Many walks,but I am weak, and I  get easily tired.

 

I might be staying a little longer at my mother's which means this lifestyle might last longer. I am still giving lessons of course. I am about to have my period so things are bound to get a little iffy very soon.

 

I have moments of almost cl arity and almost positivity in the morning hours, from 7 am to 11  tops.

 

I really look forward to a time in which my every sentence will not start with "I"  I am so tired of this selfcentredness !!

 

Hugs to you all, I don't know when I will make it back here posting but I am lurking  ! 

[[dr...]]

Shell-shocked.

I think that's the word to describe how I feel today.  This past week has been one of the worst I have gone through in this recovery process, and the month of December has been the toughest since passing one year. I sure hope the conventional wisdom that waves equals healing is true!

 

This morning I am overwhelmed with a fear tinged gloom.  I'm going to try to go for a walk today, and I have to go into my classroom to get ready for the week.

 

I wish you were here in person to go for a walk with me.  :'( 

Holding you all in my heart.

 

Yup..shell shocked.  I get that too after a brutal episode.  It will take a few days to settle down and your confidence will go back up.  Rinse and repeat.

[[Co...]]

Nova, you are such a love...how could any of us endure this without your wisdom , compassion, poetry and humor. I hate to hear that you are being wrangled around with anxiety. I love your distinction of anxieties. I think that is it exactly. I think that's what I mean about the trauma of this process...the fear that we have been brain damaged and will remain so as compared to the totally chemical anxiety and the anxiety that accompanies w/d that whispers, screams and taunts us that we are dying. I agree, the mind warp that comes with w/d is pretty much beyond my control...I have tried it all, meditation ( helps in the moment), CBT ( helps in the moment but the Benzo Beast finds great ways to out shout it ) distraction ( really does help but the w/d anxiety limits me to pretty much mindless surface empty distractions). The few things that do help are movement and getting outside...for me. To me it all comes down to flat out enduring . Two years is a long time to endure anything. An eternity x100 in w/d. It is no wonder that we have secondary anxiety..we are better...then worse...then better...physical sx that scare us and change constantly. A few trips to er believing that we are dying...inexplicable fear of being out in the world doing things that we have been doing without a second thought all of our lives. Depression that folds over our lives like night in the sun light of mid-day ..and disappears only to come back. We have been so traumatized. At 14 months my biggest strudge is with the anxiety created by continued trauma. That's not to say that I am still not tortured by w/d anxiety ( I had a pretty good short panic attack with all the physical sx 2 days ago...after 3 months of being panic free), like Nova , I can endure the w/d anxiety because it has been to my house so many times I know how to invite it in and sit with it ( not as calmly and graciously as Nova and Drew or as bravely as the 'Nike ' just do it peeps) but good enough to get through the visit ..exhausted and resolved but when it's over its over. The trauma anxiety is the one that linger around even on a good day ( not at all in an effortless mind day hoping that's where we all end up. .pretty sure that is exactly where we are all going to end up at) It is this anxiety that I feel that I can have some sway over with managing my thoughts and layering positive experiences over things that I am now afraid of. For me, that seems like re-entry ....for me it's going to take the rest of this year I think.

  ..Nova, your distinction between w/d anxiety and the anxiety born out of this experience was a light bulb going off in my head for me. ...

......Thank you Nova for sharing your experience and insight with us...it helps us so much.  Wishing you a better day tomorrow.  coop....

[[Mi...]]

Ok, I didn't die.    I made it through the games, but now we are headed back home. My panic is rising again, I can feel my torso getting super tight. I'm trying to control my breathing, but not being too successful yet.  :'(

 

I don't understand why my panic has gotten SO bad all of a sudden.  :'(

 

3 hours in the car. I don't think I can handle it.

 

HH,

 

STOP fearing the panic. WELCOME it. Look forward to its ride. Find some things enjoyable about it. Get some belly laughs during it, enjoying it, finding parts of it entertaining, etc. Tell your hunny, in a funny way, the ride is beginning, lol!! Get him/your family to laugh too. Etc.

 

Ridicule that rat bastard (not your hubby, I mean the panic... ). I hit a point where I was SO OVER IT - so OVER being afraid, that I was willing to just frickin' GO with my flesh whining, screaming, & kicking. Panic, be damned!

 

F*** you, panic. F*** you. Go get 'em, girl.

 

Mrs.

 

Reading over what I missed since new years.....

 

I friggin LOVED this post MRS!  I had to make mention off this to you.

 

I felt the same way, I was so sick of being afraid of the panic.  Being afraid of a wave that hasn't even happened yet.  It got to be an incredibly stupid habit and left me feeling like I wasn't even a man.  Being able to finally be TOUGH through anything; to actually be PISSED off towards that nervous wave feeling instead of giving into it's anxiety, and making the wave worse, was such a breakthrough. To ride out the bad times with some sort of optimistic confidence, priceless.  It's the difference between functioning in any situation and avoiding situations. 

[[Co...]]

HH...I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time. I have no words of wisedom. .Nobody can figure out this process or predict it or control it or hurry it. I have finally resolved to simply do the best that I can do with whatever shows up on a given day. Induce is my new mantra. And as Nova says, " it is what it is"  I have added, " it takes as long as it takes".....That is not to say that I do not share your frustration disappointment and worry that this will go on forever. ... sigh.  .Me too, I had a string of nice days, improved baseline and an overall sense of healing underneath sx.. ( I still believe that there is good healing going on underneath the sx). Then 2 days ago I got hit with a full blown panic attack right out of the acute playbook....the screaming kind that yells at you to call 911...RIGHT NOW!!!!...I was so surprised and rattled...and scared..it took a couple of hours to shake it off. The dizziness, immediate d/ r d/p, sky rocketing b/p, shakiness and head pressur...all in about a 5 second flash. Totally had me thinking I was bound to die on the spot. ...I have had momentary brief flashes of panic that are gone practically before they start over the past few months but not a full blown call 911 2/3 hour episode.

....The day after...a very good day ...I have just given up...completely trying to predict or analyze this craziness.

....HH I honestly think you are healing your good days are really good. It's just so hard to believe that we are healing when we continue to feel sick.  It is so counter to everything we have ever experienced. Don't criticize yourself for any of your feelings...including doubt and fear....the last thing we need is to feel guilty about how we are living through this. It's all so individual, intuitively we know what gets us through...that's what we should do...You are doing a wonderful job of living with this. If I was doing half ...a quarter of what you do I would be so proud of myself.

.....My heart is with you and I am wishing you a better day tomorrow...love to you..  coop

[[He...]]

HH...I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time. I have no words of wisedom. .Nobody can figure out this process or predict it or control it or hurry it. I have finally resolved to simply do the best that I can do with whatever shows up on a given day. Induce is my new mantra. And as Nova says, " it is what it is"  I have added, " it takes as long as it takes".....That is not to say that I do not share your frustration disappointment and worry that this will go on forever. ... sigh.  .Me too, I had a string of nice days, improved baseline and an overall sense of healing underneath sx.. ( I still believe that there is good healing going on underneath the sx). Then 2 days ago I got hit with a full blown panic attack right out of the acute playbook....the screaming kind that yells at you to call 911...RIGHT NOW!!!!...I was so surprised and rattled...and scared..it took a couple of hours to shake it off. The dizziness, immediate d/ r d/p, sky rocketing b/p, shakiness and head pressur...all in about a 5 second flash. Totally had me thinking I was bound to die on the spot. ...I have had momentary brief flashes of panic that are gone practically before they start over the past few months but not a full blown call 911 2/3 hour episode.

....The day after...a very good day ...I have just given up...completely trying to predict or analyze this craziness.

....HH I honestly think you are healing your good days are really good. It's just so hard to believe that we are healing when we continue to feel sick.  It is so counter to everything we have ever experienced. Don't criticize yourself for any of your feelings...including doubt and fear....the last thing we need is to feel guilty about how we are living through this. It's all so individual, intuitively we know what gets us through...that's what we should do...You are doing a wonderful job of living with this. If I was doing half ...a quarter of what you do I would be so proud of myself.

.....My heart is with you and I am wishing you a better day tomorrow...love to you..  coop

 

Coop  ,

Thanks for all your continued support!  I wish I could be better at letting go and having an "it is what it is" attitude.  I try to control it and I think that can make it worse at times....like yesterday, when I was so tense that it was hard to breathe.  I think because I was so clenched up, probably subconsciously trying to prevent myself from flying apart, if that makes any sense.  I am going to try to work hard at riding out the feelings when they come.

 

I'm so sorry that you have a panic attack the other day! OH, how I HATE them!!  You have made so much progress.  The healing is very evident in your posts! You impress me with you compassionate heart and your ability to address everyone's concerns.  We will get through this crud....when I am not sucked under by a wave, I truly know that we will. 

 

I am finally breaking down and going to the doctor tomorrow.  It's time for me to put to rest my health fears and get the full check-up done.  I am hoping that she will order an EKG, lots of blood tests (hormones, cholesterol, ect), and whatever else she thinks.  This is a big step for me because of my health fears!  I don't know if it's a sign of healing because I'm finally calmed down enough to go, OR if it's a sign of desperation because I feel so badly that it's overriding my fear of the doctor. LOL! I'm going with a sign of healing. 

 

Love to you! I hope you have a good day tomorrow!