12-18 month support

[[He...]]

Hi Friends,

I have been starting to feel really depressed by my seemingly lack of progress lately, so I decided to reread all my old posts from July 1, when I hit the one-year mark, and track them on the calendar.  I found that, yes, my November and December has ramped up a lot....but it gave me some sort of comfort also.  It wasn't ALL bad, which I was starting to feel.  Here is my pattern from one year to 18 months:

                                                  July        August        Sept        Oct        Nov          Dec

True window                                9              8              3            15        4              7

So/so (overall good, bit wavy)        1              2              2            6        9              2

Not recorded                                14            13              12          4          7              5

Wave                                            7              7              12            6        10            17

 

OK, so December has been particularly rough.....but I've also had some amazing windows.  I would classify the second two categories (so/so and not recorded) as primarily good days.  I tend to be more consistent about recording my wave days, mainly because they scare me so badly, so I would guess that the vast majority of the days I didn't record were good.  If you lump the top 3 categories together as "good", then December is the only month that had more bad days than good ones....and it was pretty equally split with 14 good to 17 bad.  Not as bad as I thought, although the waves have had a particularly sharp bite to them.  I am praying that my January will flip back around into more positive days than negative. 

 

I'm hopeful that I'm starting to pull out of my wave.  Last night was not good with sleep, waking up from 3:00 on, but today feels a bit calmer.  I'm going to go into work and get my lesson plans done for next week. It will do me a world of good to get back into my regular routine.

 

I am just so tired and beaten down lately.  I'm tired of feeling sad.  I'm tired living significant chunks of my life in anxiety and fear.  I was NOT this way before this drug.  I HAVE to believe that I will NOT be this way once I'm healed. 

 

I wish you all a peaceful Friday.

Love,

HH   

[[Co...]]

Jenny yes, especially if you ate also doing tumeric which is also wonderful for inflammation. I would start with a little less than a finger lenghth of peeled ginger.boiling and only use 1/2 tsp of tumeric ( added at the simmering step) and see how you do with it. I don't exceed  more than 2 cups of the tea in a day. ...I hope your headaches let up...the head sx were on my list of most miserable...gradually getting better on a reliable basis. The last 6 months I would wake up to a headache 8 mornings out of 10....good luck with this...coop

[[mr...]]

HH & gang,

 

Check out "LynnR" posting history   She had it hard, very tough, for a good year and a half before things started to drop away.  Below is her most recent post in December

 

Healing is happening, even when we don't feel like it is  

 

Hang in there, gang.  I'm hanging tough today -- will you all "hang tough" with me?  I could use some company over here

 

Love to you all, and many thanks for being here with me today

 

Mrs.

 

 

 

Hi everyone this is Lynn

I like to come

Back to this board from

Time to time to let people know that you will heal and overcome this .

What most of you are going thru is a horrible bunch of withdrawal

Symptoms that have completely turned your life upside down .

I went thru it really bad for a year and a half after coming off benzos for which I was only on for 4 months . I've never in my life been thru anything so scary and intense . I had so many crazy symptoms that virtually left me impaired most of the time .

I never thought I would get my life back . Each day was full of scary dizzines , brain fog ,

Heart palpitations , weird pressure sensations , shortness of breathe ... Feeling like my blood pressure was dropping a bazillion points ... The symptoms went on and on... Man the whole Christmas of 2012 I spent checking my blood pressure constantly bc I was so scared of what was happening . I didn't possibly believe fully that benzo withdrawal could cause such extreme diaster. But it did and you know what .

Here I am 2 years later and I am  almost 100 percent again .

I just want you all to know that I know how rough this battle is and I know that this fight can really get to you . But I also want you to know that healing does happen and you will heal and you will get thru this and you will be whole again .

I promise .

Stay strong and feel free to contact me if I can be of any support

This board kept me going thru some of my

Darkest hours

Hang in there y'all .

Much love .

[[He...]]

HH & gang,

 

Check out "LynnR" posting history   She had it hard, very tough, for a good year and a half before things started to drop away.  Below is her most recent post in December

 

Healing is happening, even when we don't feel like it is  

 

Hang in there, gang.  I'm hanging tough today -- will you all "hang tough" with me?  I could use some company over here

 

Love to you all, and many thanks for being here with me today

 

Mrs.

 

 

 

Hi everyone this is Lynn

I like to come

Back to this board from

Time to time to let people know that you will heal and overcome this .

What most of you are going thru is a horrible bunch of withdrawal

Symptoms that have completely turned your life upside down .

I went thru it really bad for a year and a half after coming off benzos for which I was only on for 4 months . I've never in my life been thru anything so scary and intense . I had so many crazy symptoms that virtually left me impaired most of the time .

I never thought I would get my life back . Each day was full of scary dizzines , brain fog ,

Heart palpitations , weird pressure sensations , shortness of breathe ... Feeling like my blood pressure was dropping a bazillion points ... The symptoms went on and on... Man the whole Christmas of 2012 I spent checking my blood pressure constantly bc I was so scared of what was happening . I didn't possibly believe fully that benzo withdrawal could cause such extreme diaster. But it did and you know what .

Here I am 2 years later and I am  almost 100 percent again .

I just want you all to know that I know how rough this battle is and I know that this fight can really get to you . But I also want you to know that healing does happen and you will heal and you will get thru this and you will be whole again .

I promise .

Stay strong and feel free to contact me if I can be of any support

This board kept me going thru some of my

Darkest hours

Hang in there y'all .

Much love .

 

This is the part I cling to! 

[[Co...]]

God bless you Mrs....you are just the most generous person to go looking for positive posts and re-posting them to us. We just can not hear it enough that healing comes to all of us. I know how much this means to HH today....and me too. Even though I am in a pretty good place today ,I know that even mild sx can sometimes for me set off all the worries of " this is really not w/d...it is something much more serious" or " I have been through this particular sx a million times, but this time this is really it, a heart attack or stroke"....well you know how it goes . ....and yes, I will happily hang out with you...You are doing so good Mrs. and you have such control over your thoughts. You are another one who seems to live by the Nike mantra..." Just do it"... you ' Nike' peeps make me feel so wimpy. I take so much courage from Peace and HH and you and Drew.  So glad you are on the thread . You give so much support to all of us...thank you....love to you...coop

[[Co...]]

Nova...That 3 months of on and off and dragging dragging on absolutely wears us down . I am just (I hope) now emerging from months 9-12 of that pattern. I think I posted a few months back that there seemed to be an every 3 months change in sx pattern for me. Green and I both had that 9, 10 and 11 month better...not better.. better.  one tsunami wave for good measure thing. Your trip to er several weeks ago seemed like your ' one last punch to the gut' tsunami wave.

....I took a lot of reassurance from Mrs's post above regarding the BB who was still not feeling the healing at 18 months and pretty close to 100% at 2 years. ...Even though I feel that I am turning a corner I still only have 2/3 good days followed directly ( usually) by a wavy day with any combination of lingering sx. It has only been in the last few weeks that I have felt that I had any real energy and that is only for a few days in a row and then I am dragging again for a day or so. We are sorely tired from this ride that throws us out onto the road without ceremony leaving us to catch up and hop back in ... hope you are riding today and not running along side..  We are all going to get there Nova.. no one left behind.....coop

[[No...]]

Hi Mrs ... how are you doing? ... and thanks for another of your quotes from the "vaults" ...

 

[[No...]]

Coop ... been "riding" all day ... and just letting whatever is there just be there ... it has been a long time for me since last August ... and the time has been well spent ... I am learning so much ... and we all are wonderful teachers for each other ...

 

Going into this process a seemingly long time ago I had the expectation that healing would take 18 months ... not sure now where I got that from, probably Ashton ... and being around BB the consensus does seem to be perhaps a little longer ... it is what it is ...

 

So much is behind us ... and there is so much to look forward to ...

 

[[pe...]]

Hi Mrs.

I got some if this for you  and one of these 

 

 

I am hanging with some mild sx that once upon a time would have me jumping up and down with joy. But I'm sooo tired of it. Just feel yuck and mildly depressed. I'm sure part if the yuck is this stinky sinus infection that's hanging on. And my vision is such a mess. I am so much better without my glasses on, when I let my gaze be soft. I don't know what the deal is. Anyone have vision issues! I know it's related to dr. Boof.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

HH...I was so happy to see that post from Mrs. I thought of your earlier post, but it breathed a little more hope and faith into my cautious spirit too. ...To me , a 3 day wave feels like months and months. In a wave I literally can not remember how the good days were and I believe that I have been in a waves for months. I have to do what you did...go back through my progress journal and analyze it.

    You are healing too HH...and as the months go on we just get so worn out from the whole better/ worse thing and the parade of ever changing sx...not really knowing what we are up against until it's in our face...constant adjusting and managing.  It really is a wonder that we keep at it. We are the few who decide to go off....out of the thousands who can not do it.    You are closer than a y of us on the thread ...I can't wait to see where you are by Valentines Day...Wishing you some forever sunbreaks and endless effortless mind days...coop

[[No...]]

Peace ... not familiar with Dr Boof ...

 

I have had vision stuff on and off since last winter ... seems the more anxiety I have floating around the lousier it can get ... oftentimes feels blurry ... or one eye goes out of focus and the other is fine ... then they trade off ... and then it goes away until the next time ...

 

[[pe...]]

Thanks Nova.

That's about what my vision stuff is like and I do see it related to anxiety especially d/r.

 

Boof is the sound a body makes when the wind gets knocked out of you. Feels like I'm in a state of 'boof'. It's not deadly but it sure is uncomfortable. 

[[He...]]

There seems to be many people who have the pattern of strong waves until around 18 months, give or take, and then have a fairly dramatic increase in healing. There must be something to that time frame. I am sure hoping I can add my voice to those ranks, followed shortly by all of you! One nice big corner would be good.

 

I have realized that I have let my thoughts run away this past month. I need to make more of an effort to not let myself go down those "what if" rabbit holes because all it does is increase my anxiety and depression.  Today I have been questioning if my continued nausea was all from anxiety. It wasn't until my daughter made the comment that she still felt puny from the stomach bug and was still feeling like she would throw up from time to time, that I realized I could still be feeling it too. Not everything is from anxiety, and my anxiety is not getting worse (in fact, MOST of the time it's better!). This recent batch of mega-waves has me so stuck in my head, in the corner that is Benzo-Land. It's dark and scary and hopeless there.  I think I've been camped out there for a while. Even just realizing this has given me some relief. I need to be more mindful of my thoughts.

 

Nova, is this what you do? You seem so able to be mindful with your thoughts (I'm not even sure that's the right term), allowing the w/d feelings to happen without attaching too many scary scenarios to them. I need to figure out how to feel odd things without immediately attaching a story to it....

 

My depression and anxiety seem to be lifting . Hopefully this wave is on it's way out! Tomorrow is another out of town basketball game. I REFUSE to allow this wave to rob me of this family time. 

[[dr...]]

Peace-When I have to focus far away or really watch something my eyes strain. It's very weird because I have no issues reading.

[[No...]]

HH ... here is an example ... and it has this element of attaching a story ...

 

I am making meatballs this morning ... symptom stuff bubbling away in the background on a pretty low simmer ...

 

I open a new package of eggs ... they are my favorite large free range ones ... I look down and there is one small one there ... smaller than the others ... and instantly my mind is off and running with a story that there should not be a small egg there ... what is wrong with them ... can't they see this one is smaller ... and the anxiety that was in the background is front and center and now on a high boil ...

 

Before I knew what was happening my mind grabbed onto something utterly insignificant and started spinning a story ... and my body responded ...

 

I was not paying attention and got bush wacked ...

 

I was going through the motions of making meatballs ... on auto-pilot ... was actually thinking about making bread this afternoon ... how I needed to wash out the mixer container before making bread ...

 

So ... mindfulness in my daily life is about paying attention to what I am doing right now ... being present ... and I experience this as a choice ... to pay attention or be on auto-pilot ...

 

And for me, paying attention is not a chore ... actually is quite joyful ... and usually fascinating ... and I have to call myself to it ... and keep coming back to it if I float away for a bit ...

 

With regard to symptoms ... acknowledging those that are around right now ... not pushing them away ... and not doing a story about them ... they are there right now, doing their thing, and they will change in a while ... if I choose I can observe them for a while ... or move my attention elsewhere ...

 

On my mindful days having a cold or feeling unwell from something else is much harder to deal with than benzo symptoms ... blowing my nose every two minutes or wondering if I need to get ready for some other response is much more demanding in the moment than benzo symptoms ... usually ...

 

This is a bit helter skelter post ... it is the end of my day and I am not as sharp as I am earlier on ...

 

Hope this helps a bit ...

 

[[Co...]]

Peace, I have had eye weirdness all along. I also wear glasses to see far out. Throughout w/d I also have had a preference for the softer edges and muted vision of not wearing glasses. When I don't wear my glasses the perception of distance is softer and objectives don't seem as intense as they do if I am wearing them in one of those 'off' vision days. I also have the sense of not exactly blurred vision but more of out of focus .  Just not clear. Sometimes when I am reading the words have a sense of being oddly spaced.. like they are too close together and it throws off the rhythm of my reading.  Sort of like reading one word at a time like we did in first grade except it is silent reading with a not right cadence.  I don't know if any of that ramble makes sense. It seems as though throughout the year I have read many posts on different threads about whacky visual perception. Mine comes and goes and definitely goes whacky with anxiety, d/r or head sx..  Sorry that you are 'boofed'...I hope your weekend is better...So glad we are this far out and not at the beginning..  coop

[[Co...]]

Mrs....how are you doing? ..Has your day inproved ?  We are here for you girlie....

[[pe...]]

Dinner at our house with friends. Yesterday evening we hosted my other friends' daughters so they could catch a date and we have a babysitter lined up next weekend to go out to dinner for my husband's birthday. The only reason we can do these things is because I'm no longer in hell, just kicking it indefinitely in purgatory.  I'm so tired and have retired to my room while the chatting and merriment continued below. Two more days until I go back to work. Ugh. I'll have to figure out this vision thing by then, or not....

Coop you totally get it. Softer focus is sooooo nice.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Just an fyi....If you have time go to the Success Stories and read ' Waking From A 7 Year Coma'...it is written by Anolog 1...if I was as smart as Mrs. I would somehow paste the whole thing over here. I don't know that particular kind of magic. I read his story at the end of summer

when I was at one of my lowest points with constant head pressure and almost daily panic. It is a long story but one of the best I have read. ...coop

[[He...]]

HH...I was so happy to see that post from Mrs. I thought of your earlier post, but it breathed a little more hope and faith into my cautious spirit too. ...To me , a 3 day wave feels like months and months. In a wave I literally can not remember how the good days were and I believe that I have been in a waves for months. I have to do what you did...go back through my progress journal and analyze it.

    You are healing too HH...and as the months go on we just get so worn out from the whole better/ worse thing and the parade of ever changing sx...not really knowing what we are up against until it's in our face...constant adjusting and managing.  It really is a wonder that we keep at it. We are the few who decide to go off....out of the thousands who can not do it.    You are closer than a y of us on the thread ...I can't wait to see where you are by Valentines Day...Wishing you some forever sunbreaks and endless effortless mind days...coop

 

Hi Coop! 

 

It was a great one to read, that's for sure.  I'm so thankful to Mrs for drawing our attention to such posts! 

 

<sigh> I hope you are right about me healing, Coop.  I just feel so incredibly STUCK right now.    It's not even like I'm having a particularly frantic night, I just feel like I am unwell.  I am going to go see my doctor on Monday, just for a check up.  I talked to her today and told her that I think I would like the works....hormone tests, blood work, EKG, you name it.  At least it will put some of my health fears to rest! 

 

Love to you! I hope you have a nice night.  I think if I can sleep better tonight it will probably help my depression out a lot!  Last night was back to waking up all the time, buzzing with anxiety.  Thankfully that doesn't happen too often any more!

 

HH

[[dr...]]

I completely understand as I'm sure everyone else relates.  Even if we're not symptomatic we often just fell "unwell"

[[He...]]

HH ... here is an example ... and it has this element of attaching a story ...

 

I am making meatballs this morning ... symptom stuff bubbling away in the background on a pretty low simmer ...

 

I open a new package of eggs ... they are my favorite large free range ones ... I look down and there is one small one there ... smaller than the others ... and instantly my mind is off and running with a story that there should not be a small egg there ... what is wrong with them ... can't they see this one is smaller ... and the anxiety that was in the background is front and center and now on a high boil ...

 

Before I knew what was happening my mind grabbed onto something utterly insignificant and started spinning a story ... and my body responded ...

 

I was not paying attention and got bush wacked ...

 

I was going through the motions of making meatballs ... on auto-pilot ... was actually thinking about making bread this afternoon ... how I needed to wash out the mixer container before making bread ...

 

So ... mindfulness in my daily life is about paying attention to what I am doing right now ... being present ... and I experience this as a choice ... to pay attention or be on auto-pilot ...

 

And for me, paying attention is not a chore ... actually is quite joyful ... and usually fascinating ... and I have to call myself to it ... and keep coming back to it if I float away for a bit ...

 

With regard to symptoms ... acknowledging those that are around right now ... not pushing them away ... and not doing a story about them ... they are there right now, doing their thing, and they will change in a while ... if I choose I can observe them for a while ... or move my attention elsewhere ...

 

On my mindful days having a cold or feeling unwell from something else is much harder to deal with than benzo symptoms ... blowing my nose every two minutes or wondering if I need to get ready for some other response is much more demanding in the moment than benzo symptoms ... usually ...

 

This is a bit helter skelter post ... it is the end of my day and I am not as sharp as I am earlier on ...

 

Hope this helps a bit ...

 

 

Thanks Nova,

My mind latches on to things too, but it is most often if I feel something different, or weird, or new, or...you get the picture. 

 

I will work on practicing mindfulness, being aware of what is happening right now, without being TOO fixated on what I am feeling...if that makes sense.  I need to take how I'm feeling out from under my mental microscope.

 

 

[[He...]]

I completely understand as I'm sure everyone else relates.  Even if we're not symptomatic we often just fell "unwell"

 

How are you doing today, Drew? 

[[Co...]]

HH...I think you will feel so much better after a complete check up. It will go a long ways in reassuring you about those awful health fears ( They have been my biggest torture) 

    I just went through some of the success stories and it seems to bear out that healing takes 2 years. There were a couple of stories that report that they turned a corner well into the second year practically over night.

....I so well know the feeling and fear of being sure that I am really dying ...and I am never going to be over this. ..I am wishing you well HH....coop

[[mr...]]

I'm still here Just lurking

 

Mrs.