12-18 month support

[[He...]]

Good morning and Happy New Year! Today is 18 months since I took my last tiny crumb of Klonopin. A year and a half. Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm WAY more symptomatic than I ever thought I'd be at this time.  My anxiety feels off the charts and I'm having a hard time knowing if I've been actually sick with the stomach virus or if my symptoms are part of this really bad wave.  I'm trying to hold on to what people have said about Baylissa struggling with a bad wave around this time and being healed shortly after. I have not read her book myself. This wave has lasted for at least a month, it's not solid, but I don't think I've had a day without feeling badly for at least part of it. It's hard to believe that an uptick in symptoms can mean that one is getting better! Benzo healing is so bizarre....it doesn't follow ANY of the natural patterns we know to be true.

 

I'm feeling very depressed and very afraid.  :'(

[[Fi...]]

Happy New Year, all!  Here's a little story of what happened to me on the last day of 2014.  You can put this in your little mental computer and call it up if it's ever relevant to your experiences.

 

Although I've searched for a kindly doctor to actually help me during withdrawal and have never found him (He's in Canada, it turns out!), I have avoiding going to doctors for specific symptoms.  On January 3, I am TWO YEARS off of opioids and am now 16 months off of Xanax.  The one time I showed up in Immediate Care for a symptom was about four months off of Oxycodone when I was scoring a ten on the pain scale for a simple sinus headache.  This is HYPERALGESIA, where the opioids have actually sensitized you to pain.  So here was this headache that had me screaming and obviously this was a part of my body that had nothing to do with my knee, the site of my surgery and reason I was allowed to take Oxycodone for too long at a sustained high dose.  Anyway, that time the IC doc said I could take max doses of both Ibuprofen and Tylenol since they are metabolized differently.  As for opioid withdrawals.  He wanted to make sure only that I had ditched my remaining pills.  As long as I wasn't "using" I was a success from their defensive standpoint.  The fact that I was still so sick did not seem to be of consequence.

 

Other than that, I haven't gone to the docs for all the various pains that have come up.  In the first months going off of Xanax I had a lot of disturbing chest pains, the kind of things people write about where it seems like it's in the breastbone.  But of course any kind of chest pain is concerning.  But I just kept telling myself it was withdrawal.  I would read on the board about people going to the doc and it was always an all-clear, so I kind of accepted that diagnosis for myself.

 

Also, the sort of attacks I had experienced where my chest would squeeze up and my body would flood with fear and doom hormones usually only lasted about ten minutes.  Even if I'd gone to the docs, there'd be nothing to show them by the time I got there. (I had my last one like this three months ago and then six weeks ago I had a very short one upon waking from a disturbing dream.  So I think this are history.)

 

So that's the background.  On the 30th, in spite of a cold, I was feeling good.  Pretty much symptom free and optimistic.  Yesterday morning, however, I woke up completely stiff and achy and even a bit nauseated.  Very much like the flu except of course I'm used to my waves feeling fluish.  Nevertheless, I took my temp.  It was 97 something, my normal.  Okay, so, not the flu.  I tried some yoga.  No go.  Got into a hot tub because I just couldn't chase the chills.  I hadn't had a morning bath for this purpose since back at the beginning of opioid detox.  Still the chills.  Got in bed dressed in layers of sweaters and STILL the chills.  I didn't even feel good enough to stare at a DVD.  My husband went out for groceries.

 

About an hour later I suddenly felt warmth flooding through my body.  My first thought was great, things are righting themselves.  But then I got up and took my temp.  101!  I put on my blood pressure cuff.  Good grief, my pulse was 113!  I was actually sick.  I've never had a fever with withdrawal "flu."

 

HH, I thought of you in Portland with the Noro-virus.  My friend here in town who used to be on the BB board had mentioned she just went through Noro-virus.

 

But here's the other relevant back story I haven't written about.  The week before Christmas a woman my age we know went to Hawaii on a three-generation family vacation.  I can't call her a friend but she was a gym buddy and the mother of my oldest son's best friend since high school.  That tight little group still hangs together, so we got the shocking news that she had fainted on the plane and ended up in the ICU and was in critical condition.  They ran tests for everything.  She tested positive for the flu but she had somehow acquired sepsis.  People, she died. This beautiful, healthy, vibrant, successful mother of three and grandmother of a one-year-old child.  Our whole town has been in shock.  And of course we can't help speculating how it might have gone otherwise if she hadn't insisted on trying to tough out the illness she was already feeling a few days before she got on the plane.

 

So when I saw my temp and my heart rate raging--it was then doing 138--yes, I panicked.  I was sick!  I had the flu!  And by God I hadn't struggled and suffered for two and half years to get well only to die of the damned flu!  If I had the flu, I wanted that Tamiflu stuff fast.  I e-mailed my BB buddy in town, then knew she would never see it fast enough so phoned her.  My husband wasn't answering his cell.  I called both my doc and my insurance hotline.  I hung up.  I was in no shape to sit there on hold.  I would have jumped in the car except I was in absolutely no shape to drive. Hey, I was having trouble finding phone numbers.  I thought of calling my oldest son, who lives five minutes away, but bless his heart, he's totally hair-on-fire in a crisis and you just can't count on him for something like this.  It crossed my mind to dial 911.  Those paramedics had been so nice when the tree had fallen on my husband and ruptured his spleen......But finally my husband picked up and said he was on his way home.

 

"Take me to the ER," I said.  Silly man, he wanted an explanation.  Since his brain still works, he was running the scenarios as was I.  The crazier I seemed going in, the harder it was going to be to argue about NOT getting shot up with a benzo or something.

 

Anyway, long story short, I tried very hard to take deep breaths and calm down.  We went to the Immediate Care unit instead of the ER.  By the time they took my temp is was "low-grade"--99, which is high for me but not the 101 that had originally alarmed me.  I'm now wondering if all my layering of blankets to fight the chills had raised it artificially.  My heart was still going nuts, though, like 125.

 

The cute male nurse was very nice and didn't argue when I said I was still in withdrawal.  He said it's common for your heart to compensate with faster beating when your temp goes up.  He said nobody has died of the flu in our town in ages.  After going through the whole thing, he then said the doc would come in.  So then the decidedly uncute doctor comes in and says "So what's going on today?"  Huh?  Like, why did I tell all that to the nurse if they aren't communicating it?  Maybe they're just making sure you tell your story the same way twice.

 

And of course this guy had to say, "That's unusual to still be experiencing withdrawal symptoms this far out," the very thing I had told my husband going in that I always dreaded hearing.  I said, "The doctors in Canada and England seem to have a better handle on this."  To give him credit, he didn't seem interested in arguing.  Actually, I'd drawn the same doc I'd seen for the hyperalgesia nearly two years before.  My impression was he was too lacking in basic energy to be intensely interested one way or the other.  If I wasn't there seeking drugs, no problem. 

 

Bottom line--they did a nifty nostril swab flu test with results in 20 minutes.  Negative.  Okay, so no Tami-flu.  Good.  They said sometimes they have false negatives and I could go ahead and take the meds anyway.  I declined as I'm betting the rest of you would have too.  I'm not into meds these days unless I'm really convinced I need them!

 

I crashed on the sofa all afternoon and my heart slowly calmed down.  This morning my temp is completely normal and my pulse was 75 when I woke up.  I can only think that I have a mild virus (they said there was tons of stuff going around) and my current issues with tachycardia were triggered by my fear. 

 

I think this was my first true panic attack of my life.  This sounds like what people are always talking about having on the board, right?  And in some cases had something like this out of the blue and that's how they got on benzos in the first place?  You all have my sympathy!  This was incredibly scary as you always say!  My chest cramp things are scary but with those I'd just want to lie down and ride it out.  This thing yesterday was the definition of the word panic.

 

So, anyway, I'm so grateful to be feeling so much better this morning.  Hope you are all coming out of what has sounded on the board like a round of rough, very stressful times.

 

Love,

FJ

 

 

[[mr...]]

Sounds like a ride, FJ!  I'm glad to hear you're back home, chillin' without pillin'!!

 

Mrs.

[[He...]]

Holy cow, FJ, that sounds very scary! I'm glad you do not have the flu. I'm having a hard time sorting out how much of my sickness was viral or anxiety. My daughter was sick at the same time with similar symptoms, which leads me to think viral, but my anxiety has been so bad lately. I just don't know. I'm in a depressed place that's doubting everything.

 

How sad about your friend! I have a friend, only 45 and previously healthy, so almost died from sepsis in November. It started from just being sick and him not taking care of himself. He ended up in ICU, had a heart attack due to his body shutting down, and is incredibly lucky to be alive.

 

I'm glad you are feeling better this morning. 

[[No...]]

HH ... you made 18 months ... I am sitting here wondering how I am going to make 15 months ... my intelligence is trying to talk to me and I am having a difficult time listening ...

 

After getting some sleep last night the storm came back this morning and is not letting up ... I know it will ... and for now I just feel like curling up in a ball and disappearing ...

 

This sense of fragility is scary ... and I keep going back over the last three years utterly mystified how I got through all that in one piece ... when I am in the throws of these storms I seem to lose my sense of where I have been and the sense that things will be alright in a while ...

 

I know we will all get through this ... and today I am having a hard time believing myself ...

 

Hang on my friend ... we got this far ... and we will get to the other side ... I know it ... just can't believe it right now ...

 

[[...]]

So glad you've improved FJ! That sounds very scary!

 

HH, hang in there! When I go into a wave, that is my worst symptom! So odd how it can come on and how it fades!

 

Nova, sorry you're having a hard time! I hope it passes quickly for you!

 

I would love to know what brings on the waves and the windows!!

 

[[No...]]

FJ ... sure sounds like a panic episode ... you did well to get it sorted out ... it can be very difficult to stay with your focus while in the midst of panic ...

[[Fi...]]

Thanks, all.  Love that--"chillin' without pillin'"  Hadn't heard that before.

[[No...]]

GMIT ... waves and windows ... haven't got a clue where they come from ... all I know for sure is that I often don't care for the one while I am waiting for the other to show up ...

 

Sorry ... I am a little off kilter today ... your asking where they come from brought a little smile ... so much of this process makes no sense to me ... I know the theory ... the experience is confusing ...

 

[[He...]]

HH ... you made 18 months ... I am sitting here wondering how I am going to make 15 months ... my intelligence is trying to talk to me and I am having a difficult time listening ...

 

After getting some sleep last night the storm came back this morning and is not letting up ... I know it will ... and for now I just feel like curling up in a ball and disappearing ...

 

This sense of fragility is scary ... and I keep going back over the last three years utterly mystified how I got through all that in one piece ... when I am in the throws of these storms I seem to lose my sense of where I have been and the sense that things will be alright in a while ...

 

I know we will all get through this ... and today I am having a hard time believing myself ...

 

Hang on my friend ... we got this far ... and we will get to the other side ... I know it ... just can't believe it right now ...

 

 

Oh Nova, this place is so hard, isn't it?  I want to curl in a ball and disappear, too. I'm getting lots of depression crashing in and it's bringing loads of doubt.

 

Yesterday, on our drive home, I was frantically searching all over the internet looking for benzo information. I came across a site about hearing and a doctor wrote about the damage benzos cause to our bodies. He wrote how incredibly hard it is for people to get through this process and they often give up and reinstate. But he wrote they are "basically condemning themselves to a miserable life" by doing so. He wrote that it is not uncommon for it to take two years to heal, but once healed people previously struggling through w/d will "feel good again and have their lives back". He seemed to touch on how very difficult this last stretch can be because we are quite simply WORN OUT. I wish I saved it so I could share the link. I'll have to see if I can find it again.

 

What do we do? I guess we keep doing what we've BEEN doing. Moving forward, even though it feels very much like I'm sliding backwards.

 

We WILL get through......though I'm struggling to believe too.

[[...]]

Glad it brought a smile! I wish I could make everyone smile each day!

 

Bet we would all be awesome surfers after all these waves, cause we seem to manage them all and still land on our feet!! Maybe a little more worn, but we get it done!

 

[[No...]]

HH ... yes ... worn out ... this is the last few months of a very long journey ... and we get there one day at a time ... the biggest thing for me is my pure stubbornness ... and knowing that going back to what I am leaving behind is just not an option ... the path we are on gives us the chance of having a life that makes sense ... anything else is not acceptable ...

 

And so we go on ... and ... so many others have made this journey successfully ... we will too ...

 

In the meantime ... we muddle through these days ...

 

[[No...]]

GMIT ... yep ... we are getting it done ... some days in spite of myself ...

 

This morning I was staring at the pile of journals I have accumulated through 27 months of taper and 14 months drug free ... part of me feels the accomplishment ... part of me just wants to forget ... seems to me it is a bit early to forget ... for now I keep them around to remind me how I got this far ... one day at a time ...

 

As far as surfing goes ... hmmm ... these North Atlantic waters are a smidge cold ...

 

[[pe...]]

HH ... yes ... worn out ... this is the last few months of a very long journey ... and we get there one day at a time ... the biggest thing for me is my pure stubbornness ... and knowing that going back to what I am leaving behind is just not an option ... the path we are on gives us the chance of having a life that makes sense ... anything else is not acceptable ...

 

And so we go on ... and ... so many others have made this journey successfully ... we will too ...

 

In the meantime ... we muddle through these days ...

 

 

Exactly.

Everyone, hold on!

 

Glad you're feeling better FJ!

[[pe...]]

And Nova,

Hold on to those journals. There is a book in there! I just know it.

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

 

 

“Hope

Smiles from the threshold of the year to come,

Whispering 'it will be happier'...”

~ Alfred Tennyson

 

 

 

[[...]]

GMIT ... yep ... we are getting it done ... some days in spite of myself ...

 

This morning I was staring at the pile of journals I have accumulated through 27 months of taper and 14 months drug free ... part of me feels the accomplishment ... part of me just wants to forget ... seems to me it is a bit early to forget ... for now I keep them around to remind me how I got this far ... one day at a time ...

 

As far as surfing goes ... hmmm ... these North Atlantic waters are a smidge cold ...

 

 

Agreed! But if we can survive this we can do anything!! Surf on!! 

 

[[No...]]

Peace ... indeed "it will be happier" ...

 

We just got our first snowfall ... after the bitter cold of the last couple of days and our "green Christmas" ... things are looking up ...

 

[[mr...]]

HH, I understand how you must feel, but don't get too down & discouraged...I've read that lots of buddies experience an "uptick" in symptoms when they have a tummy bug...and in particular, anxiety, in fact. I think it's because there are so many GABA receptors in the digestive system; that's just my "theory" anyways Anyhoos, I still don't believe you did anything "wrong" or that it was "at random"...and I CERTAINLY DO NOT believe that you're going backwards or that it will last very much longer. Again, I've read it happening quite commonly, friend. Just tugboat along here, and I bet -- you just watch -- by this time next week, you'll be singing a different tune

 

Happy New Year to all! Mr and I are relaxin' to some AFV

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

I agree with Mrs.  As a matter of fact when you DON'T get a wave during a sickness you know you're almost completely healed. 

[[je...]]

Fj--you story sounds very scary, I've worked myself up into a frenzy like that before and its no fun. Glad you are feeling better.

HH-- so sorry you are still struggling today. Just remember a jump in baseline always comes after a bad wave, so I have no doubt you are gonna be doing really well after this.

Nova-- hang tight, I know it will pass soon for you.

 

Well guys, I was on the main board last night and ran across yet another member who is 3 years out and just reinstated for the last 2 weeks. He's actually doing worse now. It only helped for 4 days and he knows hes gonna be in a world of hell now trying to decide how to taper.... We all need to be proud of ourselves for doing this! Jenny

[[Fi...]]

Jenny--where are you finding these stories on the main board about people reinstating?  I'd be interested to read them.

 

For the record, what happened to me yesterday was not about getting myself worked up, although I know that route too.  This was really an instant attack of panic where my heart seemed to be completely unleashed by the combo of very real sick body stats and the thought of this woman who'd died of the flu.  No time for working up--I was just hit!

[[dr...]]

I pesonally don't even like reading or discussing  about peeps reinstating.  I'm never reinstating and it just reinforces benzo lies of me never healing. 

[[je...]]

Jenny--where are you finding these stories on the main board about people reinstating?  I'd be interested to read them.

 

For the record, what happened to me yesterday was not about getting myself worked up, although I know that route too.  This was really an instant attack of panic where my heart seemed to be completely unleashed by the combo of very real sick body stats and the thought of this woman who'd died of the flu.  No time for working up--I was just hit!

 

 

Here ya go FJ-

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=123224.0

[[Sk...]]

Fj, sorry about your panic attack, scary but you handled it well IMO.

 

Nova, so sorry you are feeling so bad. HH , hang in there.

 

I' m afraid I will be adding to the list of people who are having a hard time today. I went to the lunch with my family  for new years, big effort, I really wanted to be home. Crazy train was back in town, I kept thinking about germs  around the food and all that, these days I only trust Mr Sky's food. I think I was slightly more talkative, but it was very slight, mr Sky still is suprised I am so quiet with my relatives.

 

Now, I am having a lot of anxiety and I am making a super big effort not to take it out on Mr Sky. Venting here is hard for me, my writing dysfunction is  back in full sway.

 

Ok, that is all, I hope this evening lightens up.

 

Hugs to all of you, I really would not be here if it were not for you guys and your support.