12-18 month support

[[mr...]]

Just checking in gang.

 

I'm fairing alright over here.  Riding a recent wave out.  Working through dumb "what-if" thoughts, irrational fears, low-level panic and a little anxiety to boot.  Also had some achiness and a little bit what I've heard described as "benzo flu" type feelings as well.  I find myself with a feeling of "bummed out by this process" the past couple weeks.  I know that this "bummed out" feeling is also a withdrawal symptom, and I know that it will go away with time.  It is amazing to me how we can know these things so very deeply in our hearts with our intellectual mind, but have that "wall" or "curtain" or whatever you want to call it that feels like a "block" to be able to demand our bodies/minds act and react with our rational mind -- does that make sense?  I sometimes feel like it's the Real Me vs. the Benzo Brain at times -- I get mad at it, just like I would an acquaintance or "frenemy" who behaves in a manor that I do not approve of.  Isn't that funny?  Thank God for healing, and that with every day that passes I am healing very quickly.  AMEN.

 

Drew, HH, Peace, WWWI, and so many others -- the feelings/thoughts/etc that many of you describe, we all can relate to so well -- what comfort in knowing that there are others experiencing the exact same things as we are.  And, like the many survivors before us, we too shall recover   I love reading Sophia's success story and posting history, I love how long it took her to heal and how she just kept onward through it all.  I have her success story printed and posted in my cube at work...this sentence highlighted in yellow marker: "I am now healed to the degree that I live life fully every day, without fear or anxiety.  I can go anywhere and do anything, with comfort and ease.  I smile.  I laugh.  I make plans for the future.  Nothing scares me!"  Oh!  Oy!!  This is awesome.  It took her three years to get to this point, and that was after tapering for 2 1/2 years   If she healed, so will we. 

 

Thinking of you often   I'll be here, most likely lurking this evening   Take care buddies.

 

Mrs.

[[Sk...]]

Hi everybody, wanted to wish you all a good night, here it's almost 12.

 

The last day of a strange year. Has anybody made any  resolutions? 

 

I am going to bed. It is cold here, quite cold, unusually cold but I seem to be feeling it so much more than others and I am going around in a coat and gloves around the house, that's how cold I feel !!

 

And I had a taste of cake, made by Mr SKy and my heart is... Oh never mind, I am so tired of this, I'll just skip the cake and other sweets that mr SKy is planning to make and call it a day.

 

I didn't post to complain, but to wish you all a peaceful, uneventful evening. 

Goodnight folks !

[[dr...]]

Mrs....I'm sorry you're having blahs.  You always inspire me

 

Peace-keep drinking that cocktail and what great news you have a positive emotion.

 

HH-hope your day was better

 

Sky-sleep well and don't eat it.  Not worth it

 

Nova-you're the wiseman here. 

 

My doc was able to switch places and my consultation is now the 14th!  Might even be the 8th.

 

[[He...]]

Just checking in gang.

 

I'm fairing alright over here.  Riding a recent wave out.  Working through dumb "what-if" thoughts, irrational fears, low-level panic and a little anxiety to boot.  Also had some achiness and a little bit what I've heard described as "benzo flu" type feelings as well.  I find myself with a feeling of "bummed out by this process" the past couple weeks.  I know that this "bummed out" feeling is also a withdrawal symptom, and I know that it will go away with time.  It is amazing to me how we can know these things so very deeply in our hearts with our intellectual mind, but have that "wall" or "curtain" or whatever you want to call it that feels like a "block" to be able to demand our bodies/minds act and react with our rational mind -- does that make sense?  I sometimes feel like it's the Real Me vs. the Benzo Brain at times -- I get mad at it, just like I would an acquaintance or "frenemy" who behaves in a manor that I do not approve of.  Isn't that funny?  Thank God for healing, and that with every day that passes I am healing very quickly.  AMEN.

 

Drew, HH, Peace, WWWI, and so many others -- the feelings/thoughts/etc that many of you describe, we all can relate to so well -- what comfort in knowing that there are others experiencing the exact same things as we are.  And, like the many survivors before us, we too shall recover   I love reading Sophia's success story and posting history, I love how long it took her to heal and how she just kept onward through it all.  I have her success story printed and posted in my cube at work...this sentence highlighted in yellow marker: "I am now healed to the degree that I live life fully every day, without fear or anxiety.  I can go anywhere and do anything, with comfort and ease.  I smile.  I laugh.  I make plans for the future.  Nothing scares me!"  Oh!  Oy!!  This is awesome.  It took her three years to get to this point, and that was after tapering for 2 1/2 years   If she healed, so will we. 

 

Thinking of you often   I'll be here, most likely lurking this evening   Take care buddies.

 

Mrs.

 

The what-if thoughts. How I HATE them!! They rob us of so much joy and bring with them extra fear.  You are so right about we can KNOW these things are part if the w/d process, but for some reason they can be so loud and convincing. For me it gets me here: "yes, this is a symptom and many buddies have experienced this and been cleared by doctors, BUT WHAT IF I'm actually dying and I'm telling myself this to my detriment?" I'm so afraid of going to a doctor, but I think I have to in order to put my heart fears to rest. Ugh! I'm not even really experiencing anything significant, just some occasional tightness, electrical zings around my rib cage, occasional palps and faster heartbeat. Most of the time it is beating slow and steady. The intrusive thoughts clobber me when I'm not busy. This is why I do better during my work days, I'm pulled out of my head.

 

I will check out Sophia's success story. I love what you have highlighted! Oh, to be free of irrational fear!! How refreshing that would be...and I know it is because I HAVE days like that. I just want them for big chunks of time.

 

The good news is that each day we put between us and the benzos is a day closer to 100% healing! This is true even on the crappy days, although it can be hard to remember that in those times. Now if I can just turn off the little voice that always adds "yes, but not for you, you'll likely be dead"!  Stupid little voice. 

 

Love to you! 

[[He...]]

Drew, great news about the appointment change!

 

My day was better as far as being less frantic, I just spent the whole day in bed, which bums me out a bit. I missed lots of fun due to probably 50% recovery from last night's wave from hell and 50% from this stomach bug.

 

I'm trying to decide if I'm able to go to the boys' game tonight. I've gotten as far as a shower, but I'm not feeling too good. Achy and somewhat fearful. Blah!

 

I hope you're feeling well tonight.

[[Mi...]]

Checking in on this wonderfully fresh 12 degree northeast night.  Man that air smells good out there.  Love that winter air smell.  Can't get enough.  I wanna bottle it up and smell it on a hot summer day!

 

So hey, MICHAEL....something strange happened, I GOT SICK FINALLY!  (a good sign?)

 

Funny though, about 2 days after we spoke about never getting sick I got dealt my hand of sickness finally.  (Seems similar to what HH came down with)  It was like a painful head cold with non-stop sneezing and feeling extremely nauseous but not actually losing it.  No congestion, no sore throat, no fever, strange.  In three days it left as fast as it came.  See ya!

 

Right before getting sick I had about four excellent 80% days out of seven.  Since recovering from the illness I haven't been quite that good.  Had a few intense waves in the last couple days, they were quick though.  Some only 30-60 minutes.  Some mornings I'm still waking up feeling quite out of it for up to an hour, almost like that dizziness I had a rough time with around Thanksgiving.  A shower usually helps quite a bit to stabilize my physical woes and cog fog.  Itching has really calmed down, burning mouth and tongue is back, but not in a major way. 

 

Christmas plans were really stressful, I managed ok through some of them.  Would liked to have enjoyed some drinks but I'm not attempting that till tomorrow night, definitely having 1 beer at midnight and that's it.

 

Ramble over, just letting you fine folks know I'm alive and reading all of your posts still.

 

I cannot wait to see what good fortune comes to us in 2015!!!!!!  It should be an exciting time for all of us!

 

Love to all,

 

Mike G.

[[Gr...]]

Buddies-- I may have to stop posting for awhile.  I thought I was doing my best to write encouraging and supportive posts to people and haven't really been asking for encouragement for myself since I'm starting to get well.  It's healing for me to feel that others are helped by what I have to say.  A couple of people on another thread started sniping at me today, though, when I suggested Cool seek a counsellor--something that helped me and also something I've previously suggested to others.  This reminds me of the mean girls in junior high and it's not good for me.  I still need to steer clear of stress and toxic people.  Please PM me if you want support.

 

Please don't let the toxic people here keep you from posting, toss them over your shoulder like a grain of salt.A lot of people here suffer with benzo rage, I had it at one time. We are all very sensitive at times and some remarks can be hurtful and hateful.

I get a lot from your posts as well as the others on this thread.

Hugs

 

FJ,

 

Ditto what Beulah said.  There are a lot of emotionally upset people here, and I've heard about infighting on some threads.  I think it's a marvelous testament of what a great group we are, both the 6-12 and the 12-18, that we're all respectful and supportive of each other.  Whatever happened over there, forget it and stay here with us.

[[Gr...]]

Hi peace,

Everything you are experiencing sounds like normal w/d stuff to me. I think at one time or another we have all felt that way. I'm having a hard time this week as well, having the kids around with all this lack of structure and boredom is not good for me. I need my normal everyday routine... I have noticed sooo many BB who I thought had go on to heal have actually reinstated benzos or some other psych drug. It's so sad that these people haven't been able to stay off everything, they will probably be sick and on pills for life. We should all be proud of ourselves. Jenny

 

Jenny,

 

you mean people from here left, who you thought were healed, only to find they reinstated?  Yes, we should be very proud of ourselves.  Yes, we should.

[[dr...]]

Healing....be kind to yourself. Stay in!

[[Gr...]]

So much I want to respond to. But I'm supposed to be sleeping. I have a raging sinus infection, which has been the least of my problems but it's ramping up. Both my husband and I are Leary of me taking anything including antibiotics. So he's got me drinking warm apple cider vinegar with honey (yuck) and using the neti pot every 4 hours. I hope it works. Is my fear of antibiotics reasonable? I'm going to try these remedies until Wednesday.

 

Jenny- we should he proud of ourselves for sticking it out. I think it's a tremendous help to have each other for clarity and encouragement. My family is also overwhelmingly opposed to my taking meds at this point and that helps keep me on the path.

 

Green- thank you. Thanks for sharing your message from easy coast. That's the good stuff, the messages from the other side. I'm so lucky to have all of you a bit ahead of me, shining the light. Really hoping everyone's second year is a cakewalk compared to the first.

 

To everyone else, I feel positively held by your words today. Thank you for that.

 

Off to try to sleep away my sinus infection....

Peace2

 

Peace, are you sure that's an infection?  Is it productive, green, yellow?  Because I had horrific sinus pain that was a w/d symptoms.  Docs kept giving me antibiotics and it never went away.

[[Gr...]]

Peace-we can all relate to you.  You are doing this.  It is the blind faith that is most difficult for me right now.  At times I can feel and accept that I will heal like everyone else and other times like now I am questioning everything.  while driving into work today I was just concentrating on when I would be back home to the house.  That led me to wonder how many of us here spend most of our time in the house?  I go to work and handle any obligation but I am afraid to make any other plans.  I am basically couch bound at home.  Is this normal? i think most of us do.  I am depressed on that thought.  Just surviving and not thriving.  Is this me and if not I too see many people fail or suffering years out. 

I do work every day, go for walks, can eat out, perform on stage, and other things but my level of comfort is low.  Am I doing more or less than most?  I don't know... what is the right amount? should I say I am healing my brain and this is enough.  Don't feel guilty about being a slug.

 

 

What is my old panic disorder and what is withdrawal?  All I know with this EKG scare sent my mind into an irrational loop of death.  I realize now that my baseline can handle no stress out of the ordinary.  I got walloped.  Even in the mornings when I wake up with mind racing with anxiety and fast heartbeat my mind goes to death. I tell myself over and over it is an irrational thought that I will drop dead in the next week and several drs have told me that this situation is not a sign of imminent death.  Yet my mind keeps holding onto the one in million chance I will die or I had a heart attack and didn't know it.    At this point, I have decided there isn't much to do about my thoughts because they are so irrational and I know they are.  I put it down to be a symptom of withdrawal.

I actually am not panicky now just have the above thoughts that keep intruding into my mind.  Benzo lies

 

In a way I am strong and try not to let this rule me although it does.  My GF and I decided to try and have a kid.  I know they say you shouldn't make any big decisions withdrawal but that isn't always possible. I am 46 and she is turning forty so we can't wait to much longer.  I am sort of scared but I think this would be normal at any time.  I know I would be a great dad

 

 

 

Drew, what you said up there, about just working and coming home to the couch, I did that while in tolerance in 2004.  I didn't have a clue what was wrong with me.  I was outgoing and active, and one day -- I wasn't.  Yes, it's the drug, it's not you, and it's going to go away and you're going to get yourself back.  You're going to have a nice life, get married, have a child, if that's what you want, and enjoy it.

 

I used to compare myself, my symptoms, was I worse off or better off.  It really doesn't matter if someone can work, and someone else can't, we're all still suffering terribly, we've been removed from our lives and dropped into the strange withdrawal land planet.  Our symptoms are all different, our healing is different, but we're all in the same boat, withdrawal, and we're all going to heal.

[[pe...]]

HH,

I agree with Drew. Give yourself a break especially with the stomach bug. If getting lost in the game sounds good, that's another story. But please don't go out of obligation. Take care of yourself.  You've had a rough few days.

 

Green- good to see you, as always. It's a sinus infection. Totally green sticky snot. But not gonna do antibiotics. Just gonna suffer through and keep pushing home remedies. 

 

Sky- next year absolutely has to be better. Tell mr.sky to keep his sugary snacks out of sight! I know the temptation this time of year and may have indulged a bit too much....

 

Mrs- sorry for the waviness. I love the post you have hanging in your cubicle. I can't wait until we're all on the other side, saying those words!

 

Despite a really good mood today, I am fighting some depression tonight. And I'm bummed to see this guy coming back around so soon. My sinus infection took me out of the exercise loop today. But I think I'll have to get some in despite the infection. It seems to help the mood. And sleep is equally important. Psychiatrist said it's my go to for healing, the thing that will make healing happen. So good night, dear ones. I do hope we all feel better in the morning.

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

I used to compare myself, my symptoms, was I worse off or better off.  It really doesn't matter if someone can work, and someone else can't, we're all still suffering terribly, we've been removed from our lives and dropped into the strange withdrawal land planet.  Our symptoms are all different, our healing is different, but we're all in the same boat, withdrawal, and we're all going to heal.

 

This. 

[[Gr...]]

Hi HH-- sadly yes, I've been reading on the main board and it seems many members can't take the mental torture so they reinstate. I know of one member who used to be with us on the 6-12 month thread, he was having a bout of insomnia and gave up and started taking serequol.. I haven't heard from him since. I honestly think more people than we realize end up back on benzos or some ad or psych drug.. Its so sad because they are really messing up their brains and kindling themselves.  Geez can I really relate on the body scanning thing. I'm so sick of thinking about sx all the time. I lay in bed and just scan my entire body for sx , its ridiculous. Anyhow, you sound a lot better today and that is good news.  Jenny

 

Drew-- I think you'd make a great dad, this is exciting stuff!

 

Jenny, I knew of one person who went back on valium and left shortly after that.  Haven't been able to contact him so I don't know how it turned out.  Wow, what you said up there, that's really scary.  I'm so glad all of us here have stuck it out.  It's so sad to think after all we've been through, giving up and going back on meds.  Thank God we support each other.  We've all been through it, we get that bad wave, that bad depression, and we lose hope.  Thank God every time it's happened to me, I've gotten support here and never reinstated, never went on psych meds.

[[He...]]

I used to compare myself, my symptoms, was I worse off or better off.  It really doesn't matter if someone can work, and someone else can't, we're all still suffering terribly, we've been removed from our lives and dropped into the strange withdrawal land planet.  Our symptoms are all different, our healing is different, but we're all in the same boat, withdrawal, and we're all going to heal.

 

This. 

 

Yes, this!

 

I ended up staying in bed at the hotel. My daughter is here sick, too, poor baby. Feeling awful all the way around tonight: stomach sick and benzo sick. Tomorrow will be a better day!

 

Praying for you! I hope that sinus infection leaves quickly.

(((Hugs)))

[[pe...]]

I wish I could see you all, just to share a look of knowing. Like, "yep. Me too. We got this." And a hug. A hug would be nice. 

 

Peace2

[[He...]]

Hi HH-- sadly yes, I've been reading on the main board and it seems many members can't take the mental torture so they reinstate. I know of one member who used to be with us on the 6-12 month thread, he was having a bout of insomnia and gave up and started taking serequol.. I haven't heard from him since. I honestly think more people than we realize end up back on benzos or some ad or psych drug.. Its so sad because they are really messing up their brains and kindling themselves.  Geez can I really relate on the body scanning thing. I'm so sick of thinking about sx all the time. I lay in bed and just scan my entire body for sx , its ridiculous. Anyhow, you sound a lot better today and that is good news.  Jenny

 

Drew-- I think you'd make a great dad, this is exciting stuff!

 

Jenny, I knew of one person who went back on valium and left shortly after that.  Haven't been able to contact him so I don't know how it turned out.  Wow, what you said up there, that's really scary.  I'm so glad all of us here have stuck it out.  It's so sad to think after all we've been through, giving up and going back on meds.  Thank God we support each other.  We've all been through it, we get that bad wave, that bad depression, and we lose hope.  Thank God every time it's happened to me, I've gotten support here and never reinstated, never went on psych meds.

 

I agree with you. If it weren't for this group I know I would have reinstated months ago. It's bigger than BB because if I only perused the main boards I would have reinstated. Way too much scariness out there! You guys have been my lifeline many times.

 

[[Gr...]]

I just wanted to chime in real quick to let you all know how much I enjoyed all the posts from today....you are speaking to a larger audience than just those you are responding to in the thread ...

 

I read his 12-18 month thread almost daily even though I'm in the 6-12 month group. It helps me keep perspective on the length of the healing process, and thus, not to feel too discouraged by waves that catch me by surprise.

 

Robert,

 

You have almost 9 months.  By the end of the 12 month I turned a corner.  Still have symptoms, but the difference between the second year and the first -- it's huge.  So healing does happen.  And I had a cold turkey and a very bad first year.  So take heart. 6-12 months were very, very hard for me.  Hope you're getting through the holidays in one piece.

[[Gr...]]

Hope your feeling better HH 

 

I'm in some weird wave today... Dp/dr, constant intrusive thoughts that something else is wrong with me and I'm never getting better, feel a tad crazy... I feel like throwing a temper tantrum. I just want to feel healthy and happy, not this constant blah with constant body scanning..  Thanks for letting me vent.

Welcome Robert 

 

Jenny,

 

I'm right with ya, DP/DR, confusing intrusive thoughts, because I can't tell if they're relevant or not. I don't know whether to ignore them.  The fog is so bad I feel stoned.  I think the holidays brought this on.

[[Gr...]]

I only took two 25mg pills, one about 4 1/2 hours ago and the other about 2 hours ago, but I think it's adding to my panic rather than relieving it.

 

This sucks!  :'(

 

Remember when you had the eye infection and took the corticosteroid?  I think that's what it was.  Whatever. You had a bad reaction.  HH, you may not be able to take stuff right now.

[[Gr...]]

Bayliss does mention she had one of her worst waves ever near two years out then healed.  Healing-this may be the last hurrah or two from the benzo beast.  so proud of you making it throught the night.

 

i woke up at my usual 5am with the pounding heart, tight chest, etc....I was not falling asleep so I did a body calming meditation I have on podcast.  It worked really well and slowed my thougths and then my body down.  Once calm, I did a mindfulness exercise of stretching in ways that my chest felt the pull/slight ache.  I just sat and observed it in a calm state so my irrational mind can realize it is nothing heart related.  It worked a bit as my anxiety level is so much lower right now.  I am at work and productive.  I am going to incorporate this meditation twice a day into my routine. 

 

Sky-congrats on 14!

 

Hope everyone else is doing as well as they can.:

 

Drew is right, made me think of something.  The addiction sites I was trolling in my last wave, one said these waves come in cycles, with bad waves at 6 months, 12 months, 18 months, and sometimes at 24 months.  It makes sense.  At 12 months I had the mother of all waves, so bad I was going to a shrink for meds.  HH, this kind of suffering, when you're thinking of meds or ERs, it's bad.  this is not you, it's a wave 

[[ci...]]

Hey 12-18 month Buddies, Like Robert I am always following your posts, and thank you all for giving me such hope. Crazy benzo brain me could not wait until I joined you all in the 6-12 month thread never thinking with me being 6 months behind you all, I would never catch up with you all....I am praying there is no 18-24 month thread for you all, and if there is , it will just be a grateful I healed thread. Thanks for lighting the way for all of us behind you.

 

Love and healing to all of you, cindy

[[Gr...]]

Hi everybody, wanted to wish you all a good night, here it's almost 12.

 

The last day of a strange year. Has anybody made any  resolutions? 

 

I am going to bed. It is cold here, quite cold, unusually cold but I seem to be feeling it so much more than others and I am going around in a coat and gloves around the house, that's how cold I feel !!

 

And I had a taste of cake, made by Mr SKy and my heart is... Oh never mind, I am so tired of this, I'll just skip the cake and other sweets that mr SKy is planning to make and call it a day.

 

I didn't post to complain, but to wish you all a peaceful, uneventful evening. 

Goodnight folks !

 

 

Goodnight, Sky!  And happy 14th and happy new year?  not yet.  tomorrow.

[[Gr...]]

 

Green- good to see you, as always. It's a sinus infection. Totally green sticky snot. But not gonna do antibiotics. Just gonna suffer through and keep pushing home remedies. 

 

Peace2

 

That's a lotta information, and a great big belly laugh.  Feel better.

[[He...]]

Green,

That's interesting, and now that you said that, I know I've read it somewhere before. It's certainly been true in my case. I had a horrible wave in month 6 that crossed over into month 7 because it was almost a month long. But it ushered in a significantly higher baseline and things started to get better. Then I had the tough 12 month wave, again leading into more healing. As I've approached 18 months, things have been getting wavier....and hopefully it follows a similar pattern of significant gains afterwards! The other thing that I noticed is my big waves at these timeframes have been decreasing in length.  I guess I'll find out soon enough if this holds true! I'll keep you all informed.

 

That actually makes me feel quite hopeful!!