12-18 month support

[[dr...]]

Siggy-FB is the big lie of everyone feeling great and doing wonderful things.  Trust me everybody has shit to deal w but FB doesn't show it. All the fun stuff everybody seems to be doing doesn't give an accurate portrayal of their real lives.

 

Nova-constant improvement from you. Great to keep reading.

 

Well I got the headache. Not unexpected and I'm dealing well w it. Just on the couch  Dinner prep will be easy too.  Dungeness crab, oysters, and roasted baby potatoes.

[[so...]]

Nova, your words are always so comforting.  Thank you.  I'm so happy that you're able to go to the Saturday market now with no aftermath.  That speaks volumes of your healing.  You are so very close to the finish line.  I am waving pompoms in the air for you, limp and saggy as they are, like my boobs and underarms.  It's the thought that counts, right?

 

Siggy, I'm sorry you're getting sideswiped with symptoms due to your cold.  I'm sure you'll bounce back with a higher baseline.  Everyone in this group is in an accelerated healing mode.

 

Drew, one day these headaches will be in your rearview mirror.  You have been dealing bravely with the auras and migraines for a long time.  Maybe you are getting some backlash from the supplement you took.  I'll bet tomorrow you'll be back on track.  It usually takes a few days to settle down.

 

Bless all of you for being with me today.  This is a very lonely journey.

 

Love, Pug

 

[[No...]]

Siggy ... your cold will clear up ... just like real colds do ... in the meantime it is tangled up in the healing stuff ... so perhaps things feel intense ...

 

One of the things I have noticed slowly appearing over the last two months ... along with the clarity ... what I am calling mellowing ... mellowing with feeling ...

 

For me, the benzo edges are coming off ... all that jaded sharpness ... that quickness that generates contraction rather than a full, open, easy breath ...

 

The fever of the illness has cooked away a great deal of confusion and doubt ...

 

I am still sick ... not done yet ... just living in this 90/10 place for a while ...

[[No...]]

Drew ... again ... I cannot imagine the distress of your headaches ...

 

And ... you are more healed today than yesterday ... and tomorrow is a little more ... 

[[Si...]]

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I'm sure the intense cold symptoms were masking some of the withdrawal symptoms and now that it's receding the raw nerves amped up by the cold are exposed. I've been cleaning the house and doing laundry all day. My wife hates doing laundry. Especially the folding and hanging. It's something to distract me some. My wife and her parents / sisters have a day trip planned for tomorrow. I'd like to go, but I have no idea how well I'll feel. I'd like to go, but it's just one of those things. I may be hunkered down here tomorrow trying to ride this storm out.

[[so...]]

Siggy, my son and his wife are coming over for a belated birthday celebration.  I've already cancelled once and can't do it again so I'm stuck.  Whatever you feel like doing, or not doing, is the right thing to do or not do.  You've been sick, so everyone will understand if you're under the weather.  Take care of yourself.  You've done more housework today than I do in a week!

[[Si...]]

Siggy, my son and his wife are coming over for a belated birthday celebration.  I've already cancelled once and can't do it again so I'm stuck.  Whatever you feel like doing, or not doing, is the right thing to do or not do.  You've been sick, so everyone will understand if you're under the weather.  Take care of yourself.  You've done more housework today than I do in a week!

 

Thanks sofa! Yeah it helps keep me busy. I put off some of the chores because I had the cold too. So it all needed to be done. I already decided not to go. They're going to a popular tourist cave. I figure it won't be the best environment while getting over a cold. I got a lung infection from bat droppings after going to a cave on a school field trip when I was a teenager. Something I don't need right now.

 

Good luck with the birthday thing. I'm sure it will be ok. Sometimes the thought of something is worse than when it actually happens. If not, just grin your way through it. I've had to do that a lot of times at work. 

[[dr...]]

Minor rant-a bit depressed stuck on the couch watching football.  I just want to be normal!  I see all those fans in the stand, drinking beers, smiling, etc... I then think that I could not stand the noise, have a few drinks, and not be freaking out at the same event.  Sorry...it's depressing

[[Si...]]

Minor rant-a bit depressed stuck on the couch watching football.  I just want to be normal!  I see all those fans in the stand, drinking beers, smiling, etc... I then think that I could not stand the noise, have a few drinks, and not be freaking out at the same event.  Sorry...it's depressing

 

Oh yeah rant away bro! I feel the same way all the time. Friends going to beer festivals and parades etc. Bunch of them went to DragonCon today. I use to go to those too. Maybe one day we will at least be able to go to an event anytime we want. I have on occasion when feeling well been able to go to those type of events with no problem. Have to skip the alcohol though for sure. I was drinking in months 5-10, but I have no idea if that's what caused the huge setback or if it was more from the flu. No way to know. Just going to avoid alcohol for a long long time until I feel 100% better. Hope we both feel better tomorrow. My depression just came back today out of nowhere. So to me it seems like it must be chemical. Never really had depression until this garbage.

[[dr...]]

Sig if you never had it before its chemical    I'm not a person who gets depressed luckily and I never got that symptom during this mess.  Mine is just normal fleeting situational stuff like I just experienced. 

I skipped comicon this year and I'm hoping I feel better for re fair which is my bday weekend.  Every year I've gone I've felt shitty so I can't wait til I'm healed for a birthday.

 

Beer festival?  Lol.  I can't even have gluten now.  Hopefully I can when recovered.

 

I've also been able to have an occasional glass of wine or bourbon but never more than one.  Haven't noticed any negatives as I've not had it and felt just as bad.

Hell...I'd like to have a multivitamin and not have to worry

 

Thx for cheering me up.

[[Si...]]

I definetly hope you're better by your birthday. My birthday is on November 1st. Hope I'm better by then too. We get back into the swing of things one day, and it will be great. Glad to  help cheer up whenever and wherever I can.

[[dr...]]

Oh...happy 16 months today sig....regardless of how you feel right now it's a huge achievement.

[[do...]]

Hi

 

It was recommended I join here on this thread. I don't go on threads anymore as I'm just to darn sensitive. I'm into month 14. It's been pure nonstop mental psych cog hell. No breaks. No windows. I am in pure survival mode. I work ( barely) eat, watch tv, sleep. And do it again the next day. That's been my life. I do all of the above in pure agony wishing I would die every day.

 

So I'm told I should expect a change around month 18-24. If nothing happens then, well...I have no clue as to what I will do.

 

Anyway I thought I would stop by and say hi. If you want to say hi, please pm me and I will reply back. I stay off the threads for the time being. Maybe if I get well I will come back in the threads.

 

I hope you all get well.

[[dr...]]

Hi dolphin-your story is very familiar here about waking up and just doing it again. Many of those on this thread have had great improvement in the time frame you listed.  Wishing that for both of us.

[[ma...]]

Dolphin you are not alone. I don't know the answer to this stuff but I just keep getting up moving through the day. Hoping that one day it will change for good. It has gotten easier in some ways but it is challenging to be this far out and not over this crap.

 

Drew I know the feeling. On vacation with my wife and spent most of the day feeling fatigued, tinnitus, anxiety, racing mind, etc. Just hunkered down and got through the day. I will say that I am not going to let this crap keep me from living some semblance of a life. I graduated from Auburn and my wife and I got season tickets this year. Went to a game last year and it was tough but made it through. This year I am determined to take my wife and kids to the games and enjoy it as much as possible. Benzos crap or not I am going to do some of the things I used to enjoy. It is the only way I can keep from being sucked down into the abyss of this journey.

 

 

[[dr...]]

Long conversation w the fiancé this morning.  She's upset I won't be performing and wonders when I'll consider taking an AD or something.  She is totally burned out on this.  I explained I needed her to just trust me blindly that I know the path to healing and if there is no change after two years or so we can evaluate where we are at.  I also explained I understand how she feels.  She feels like I use my "sickness" to use it as an accuse to avoid doing things I don't want to do.  I explained its not the case but only time will show her differently.  I asked what I can do to make it easier on her that I can do.  Taking on more wedding stuff. 

She did say she does blindly trust me and is just concerned that I will be the same six months or a year from now.  If I'm not better by then I'll have to deal w it.  I just have to continue to vent here as she is basically burned out and shuts down when I mention anything regarding withdrawal. 

 

 

[[Si...]]

Oh...happy 16 months today sig....regardless of how you feel right now it's a huge achievement.

 

Thanks drew! I'm trailing right behind you. I know how hard it is for people around you to deal with this crap. Especially when you're dealing with getting a wedding together. It can especially stressful on the woman. I think you're doing the right thing by trying to get her to except that it takes a ridiculously long time to heal from this crap.

 

Come on in Dolphin. Sorry your having a hard time. Seems to be the usual. Months 10 - 14 were terrible for me. I've only seen some slight improvements in the last 2 months. Not perfect, but more bearable. I've seen where they say most people start doing much better between 18 - 24 months. So I'm just holding out and hopefully that will happen.

 

I didn't have much problem falling asleep last night thankfully. Slept through until about 7 or 7:30am. Cold is slightly better today. Still a little depressed, but not as bad as yesterday. Decided not to go on the day trip with my wife and her family. So just watching tv here at home chilling with the cats. About to eat some pesto ravioli for lunch. Hope everyone else is chugging along.

 

I'm guessing that Coop and the crew are feeling better this week-end and are out and about doing fun normal people stuff.

 

martin, WAR EAGLE! I'm an alumni too. Graduated in 97. I say that's a good attitude to have. You just get to a point with this crap that you decide to forge ahead even when you don't feel great.

[[ON...]]

Hey all just stopping by to check in. I'm at 19.5 months off now and still in hell. Does this get better soon?

[[ma...]]

Cool Siggy I graduated in 1995. Was just telling my wife last night that I am glad I don't have to go back to college like this. There is no way I could ever focus long enough to make it through like this. I don't know what it is but it is like my brain is just skipping a beat somewhere. Can't put my finger on it but I know it is not right.

 

I do look back at those days and realize that I once had a functioning brain and will hopefully get back there again.

 

One day it has been a while since I saw a post from you. Hang in there. We jumped about the same time. Hell yes but it seems like hell is more bearable most days than it used to be. Just got back from a walk in the state park with my wife and it was actually pretty nice. Wore out easier than I used to and my calves felt weird after the first hill. I notice that happens a lot nowadays. So do I feel better yes I do but is it still weird yes it is!

[[Gr...]]

Hey coop...I couldn't agree more.  I don't mind taking the next three months off from performing.  I am definitely measured on what I do when I feel good.  Sometimes I want to dine out or go to a movie I resist and just say "this is how it is for me right now.  It is always getting better and I'll be living life fully and better soon enough"....don't get me wrong sometimes I push it.  I have started not even to schedule appts with clients unless absolutely necessary.  I have been doing phone reviews which still can be hard.  enough of this BS about me "facing my fears" etc...I am done listening to my therapist.  I KNOW what is wrong with me.  I am not afraid or fearful of any of it.  My brain just can't handle it right now.  This last incident with the migraine supp and several people saying it's all in my head and won't believe otherwise has refocused me to not listen to anyone.  it is very difficult to do when you are so lost at times :smitten:

 

Drew, that whole post up there, it's called learning to listen to your body and take better care of yourself.  We all talk about how hard it is to get other people to understand what we're going through.  I think that includes our own selves!  We are hardest on ourselves and push ourselves harder than any one else.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Folks ... getting knocked about pretty good today ... oh well ... it will lighten up in a while ...

 

Interesting about this head pressure ... used to always be generated with tight neck muscles and down the back and into my shoulders ... the source place seems to have moved forward, centered right inside my ears and in my temples ... maybe eventually the source point will move down past my nose and just fall off into wherever this stuff comes from ... 

 

And feeling boaty and off centre with some vibrations in my chest ... having a not too bad day otherwise ...

 

Went down to the Saturday market, which has been quite a chore for a long time, a hard, situational struggle for me, lots of noise and people bouncing around, and a lot of stimulation ... doesn't seem to phase me any more ... this is three Saturdays in a row I have gone down and returned with no situational fallout ...

 

Things improve ... you get bounced around a bit ... and things keep improving ... it's the road we travel ... 

 

Nova, I so relate to what you're describing.  I get the boaty, mild vertigo, and feeling off balance quite frequently.  Sometimes I get days where it's mostly gone, but it's really mostly there.  Do you think it slows down some, or we're just adjusting to handling it?  Hard to tell.

Sometimes I get chest stuff, not much now, though, and I haven't had head pressure for a long time.  Mostly I'm getting a mild little feeling of discomfort in the chest, along with some fear,  that I don't care for, but it's so quick it doesn't do much damage, it quickly dissolves into that tingling and breaking out into a sweat.

 

I'm so reassured to know Beulah and you have that better and still very difficult kind of healing track.  I guess it's just a matter of time...

you don't do Labor Day, do you?

[[Gr...]]

Hi

 

It was recommended I join here on this thread. I don't go on threads anymore as I'm just to darn sensitive. I'm into month 14. It's been pure nonstop mental psych cog hell. No breaks. No windows. I am in pure survival mode. I work ( barely) eat, watch tv, sleep. And do it again the next day. That's been my life. I do all of the above in pure agony wishing I would die every day.

 

So I'm told I should expect a change around month 18-24. If nothing happens then, well...I have no clue as to what I will do.

 

Anyway I thought I would stop by and say hi. If you want to say hi, please pm me and I will reply back. I stay off the threads for the time being. Maybe if I get well I will come back in the threads.

 

I hope you all get well.

 

Dolphin, what you describe, we've all come down that path.  Hang on.  One foot in front of the other.  One day at a time.  and one day you will be there.

 

You're welcome to join us.

[[Gr...]]

Long conversation w the fiancé this morning.  She's upset I won't be performing and wonders when I'll consider taking an AD or something.  She is totally burned out on this.  I explained I needed her to just trust me blindly that I know the path to healing and if there is no change after two years or so we can evaluate where we are at.  I also explained I understand how she feels.  She feels like I use my "sickness" to use it as an accuse to avoid doing things I don't want to do.  I explained its not the case but only time will show her differently.  I asked what I can do to make it easier on her that I can do.  Taking on more wedding stuff. 

She did say she does blindly trust me and is just concerned that I will be the same six months or a year from now.  If I'm not better by then I'll have to deal w it.  I just have to continue to vent here as she is basically burned out and shuts down when I mention anything regarding withdrawal.

 

Drew, how about letting her talk to Baylissa?

[[...]]

Hey coop...I couldn't agree more.  I don't mind taking the next three months off from performing.  I am definitely measured on what I do when I feel good.  Sometimes I want to dine out or go to a movie I resist and just say "this is how it is for me right now.  It is always getting better and I'll be living life fully and better soon enough"....don't get me wrong sometimes I push it.  I have started not even to schedule appts with clients unless absolutely necessary.  I have been doing phone reviews which still can be hard.  enough of this BS about me "facing my fears" etc...I am done listening to my therapist.  I KNOW what is wrong with me.  I am not afraid or fearful of any of it.  My brain just can't handle it right now.  This last incident with the migraine supp and several people saying it's all in my head and won't believe otherwise has refocused me to not listen to anyone.  it is very difficult to do when you are so lost at times :smitten:

 

 

Drew, that whole post up there, it's called learning to listen to your body and take better care of yourself.  We all talk about how hard it is to get other people to understand what we're going through.  I think that includes our own selves!  We are hardest on ourselves and push ourselves harder than any one else.

 

 

That is so significant Green and such good but difficult advice to follow. We cannot do right for doing wrong. Sorry if not making sense as I'm in a state of total panic right now. I went for a long walk, came home and massive head pressure. Had to lie down, nodded off, not for long. This is where I am now. I think this is where the we are hardest on ourselves and push ourselves harder than anyone else. This is so scary sometimes and no matter how much someone loves us, they just do not get it. We just beat ourselves up for being ill. Anyway I think it's safe to say I am still in the wave I have been in for the past month or so...... I've lost track. Seriously I feel weird right now.

[[be...]]

Hi Folks ... getting knocked about pretty good today ... oh well ... it will lighten up in a while ...

 

Interesting about this head pressure ... used to always be generated with tight neck muscles and down the back and into my shoulders ... the source place seems to have moved forward, centered right inside my ears and in my temples ... maybe eventually the source point will move down past my nose and just fall off into wherever this stuff comes from ... 

 

And feeling boaty and off centre with some vibrations in my chest ... having a not too bad day otherwise ...

 

 

Went down to the Saturday market, which has been quite a chore for a long time, a hard, situational struggle for me, lots of noise and people bouncing around, and a lot of stimulation ... doesn't seem to phase me any more ... this is three Saturdays in a row I have gone down and returned with no situational fallout ...

 

Things improve ... you get bounced around a bit ... and things keep improving ... it's the road we travel ... 

 

 

Aww, sorry Nova. The past few days I've been hit pretty hard with the head pressure and tight muscles.

I usually kick back but I'm gonna let it run it's course and do what it needs to do.

 

Yep...it is the road we travel.

 

Feel better.