12-18 month support

[[be...]]

Okay...morning very good so far...I have been working at my desk for a few hours, got out to post office to mail wedding invites(which can be a bad walk of death for me), even strolled over to a big boss' office to shoot the breeze.  I was totally not in my head and had a twenty minute conversation.  He happened to mention his sleep was crap and he was going to the doc.  I gave him a warning about any benzo or derivitive.  He knows a bit of what I am going through and he was so thankful of my warning.  He believes me because he knows I am not a preaching pollyanna who hasn't experienced life.  After about twenty min my brain started to fry and my head got wonky so I moved on.  Not bad at all making it that long.  Two days ago I couldn't even walk from my desk let alone have a conversation on the phone. 

 

 

 

I know I am not out of the woods and I can get hit hard at any moment but I do feel my "normal" baseline of 65% or so is returning.  I can feel an undercurrent of morning yucks, anxiety, palps, moments of bad thoughts, etc...but they are not truly ruining my day.  i am mostly functional and these were the same symptoms I had a year ago that were so much more intense.   

 

 

Drew, remember that whatever difficulties you might have now are signs of healing.  Everybody gets so rattled in the second year because it sometimes feels like we're getting worse instead of better.  Jenny, HH had said that.  And I'm saying it.  Remember, when you feel better and worse at the same time, if things get hairy, it's a sign of the great healing that is coming.  At this point, when I can still feel mild vibrations and palps, I can actually imagine my brain and CNS fine tuning, like a computer doing a diagnostic program.  The plasticity of the brain, the way it can heal itself, is a miracle of nature.  Hang on, getting there.

 

Hey Drew, Green is spot on about feeling better and worse at the same time...it's so crazy.

I feel better overall but the symptoms I do have left feel more pronounced because some of the smaller ones have gotten better or dropped off...so less of them dancing together..but dancing harder and faster.

 

[[be...]]

Did not look back at posts due to my 12 hour day at work and then at my children's school. But there's this: I had an awful wave for around five days. The pit of despair and I guess it lifted. And today I had the best day I've had in a long time, still weird in the head. But I could multitask and problem solve on the spot. It was amazing. So, I've never understood when people say a wave is followed by a better baseline. But maybe that's the case. I would love this to be my new baseline, can even imagine making one of Coops deals, " if it would just stay like THIS, I'd take it." But truthfully, who knows what tomorrow will bring.

 

Peace2

 

Peace, it does my heart good to read this. You're right ..we don't know what tomorrow will bring..but we do know we will again be looking forward to tomorrow's.

 

Multitasking is something I'm looking forward to doing again, I've had enough of this low and slow.

Keep up the good work!!

[[dr...]]

One more thing I've noticed(most of the time excluding supp nightmares and migraines) is that my clarity is way better for the last month along with a low level of anxiety and very little panic unless stimulated.  I want to do things but it feels like my body needs time to catch up to my brain. Earlier in withdrawal I didn't want to do things and I couldn't. Now I do and I still can't. 

[[Te...]]

Hi Drew.....have a question....my fingers have been doing this small jumping movement really bad in pointer finger....was trying to do a overhead presentation ....and my finger was jumping so bad...had to use other hand...

Read in a thread...you had this a while back....did it stop? Or does it come and go?

 

TM

[[dr...]]

Hi TM-completely gone for a while now but it was touch n go for a while. Pun intended

[[Co...]]

Bjames....well you have it researched about as much as anyone could. If they can't endoscope on one side that sounds pretty compromised. I am wishing you well with that. Sometimes we just have to do what we have to do. Indeed, everything is not w/d....It sounds like the procedure is going to help . .....coop

[[so...]]

I'm so glad you are all healing rapidly now.  It warms my heart.

 

May I ask a question?  Has anyone just felt like pure cr*p, but couldn't put your finger on exactly what's wrong, symptom-wise?  That's where I'm at today.  Just feel plain sh*tty.

 

Sofa

[[No...]]

Hi Sofa ... the short answer and the long answer is yes ... I have often felt this way ... completely lousy with nothing I could put my finger on ...

 

Perhaps this is the "benzo flu" feeling for you ... it would come and go, sometimes hang around for a few days ... I still get it, just not as intensely ...

 

It often feels like I am just breathing "lousy" in and out all day ... like everything else, it passes ... 

[[No...]]

Good Evening ... Morning ... Afternoon ... that should cover everyone ...

 

Fell asleep watching a show after dinner ... slept for 4 solid hours ... guess I needed it ... now awake at midnight ... oh well ...

 

It is Saturday here ... 

[[Pu...]]

Okay...morning very good so far...I have been working at my desk for a few hours, got out to post office to mail wedding invites(which can be a bad walk of death for me), even strolled over to a big boss' office to shoot the breeze.  I was totally not in my head and had a twenty minute conversation.  He happened to mention his sleep was crap and he was going to the doc.  I gave him a warning about any benzo or derivitive.  He knows a bit of what I am going through and he was so thankful of my warning.  He believes me because he knows I am not a preaching pollyanna who hasn't experienced life.  After about twenty min my brain started to fry and my head got wonky so I moved on.  Not bad at all making it that long.  Two days ago I couldn't even walk from my desk let alone have a conversation on the phone. 

 

I know I am not out of the woods and I can get hit hard at any moment but I do feel my "normal" baseline of 65% or so is returning.  I can feel an undercurrent of morning yucks, anxiety, palps, moments of bad thoughts, etc...but they are not truly ruining my day.  i am mostly functional and these were the same symptoms I had a year ago that were so much more intense.   

 

 

Drew, remember that whatever difficulties you might have now are signs of healing.  Everybody gets so rattled in the second year because it sometimes feels like we're getting worse instead of better.  Jenny, HH had said that.  And I'm saying it.  Remember, when you feel better and worse at the same time, if things get hairy, it's a sign of the great healing that is coming.  At this point, when I can still feel mild vibrations and palps, I can actually imagine my brain and CNS fine tuning, like a computer doing a diagnostic program.  The plasticity of the brain, the way it can heal itself, is a miracle of nature.  Hang on, getting there.

 

I LOVE your advice!!!!!

[[...]]

Marj...did you stop yesterday?  It will take time for your system to settle down. A few days at least.  I stopped my supp and I had a terrible rebound headache last night.  Lying in bed now and it's not here. Fingers crossed for me that it stays that way today and crossed for you that you settle down asap.

 

 

Thanks Drew, Yes I only stopped taking it on thurs. Had headache yesterday too, not know though, just the usual brain tingly stuff 

[[...]]

There is so much good news on here and about time. It gives me hope as,  if I'm honest, things have been so bad for quite a while I do worry about being left behind (I know). Really high anxiety and general crapness. I've stopped the curcumin which I was taking 3 times a day and I'm wondering if I may have a slight wd to that. I'm done with supplements. Time is the healer.

 

My anxiety is better than it was yesterday. Head just fuzzy and achey. A walk is needed.

 

Hope this doesn't bring anyone down as you all are doing so well 

 

Marj, as long as I've been doing this, as far out as I am, with all of the healing I've done, basically evidence to the contrary, the fear always drops in and whispers, "You will be the one not to heal," or to take 5 years.  It doesn't matter how many times I go through it and come out on the other end, the fear hits me new every time.  I swear the fear has to be the result of some kind of neurochemical thing that comes with waves, because I'm not able to remember that symptoms mean healing until I come out of it.  But they really do.  That's hard to appreciate when you're suffering, but it's the truth.  You sound good.  things are going to get much better very soon

 

 

Thank you Green for those words, it means so much. It's like we have all been running a quadruple x 10 marathon and some have sort of crossed the finishing line and are there, all beaten up but encouraging us that are limping and crawling, taking baby steps, that we too can make it 

[[...]]

Marj.  I hope you notice some improvement after dropping the supp. I tried so many different supps, homeopathic and vitamins in months 6- 10....none of them helped me and some made things worse....I did much better leaving my system alone. I did take a very low dose beta blocker for big bp spikes for 3 months and it did help and was very easy to titrate off of over about a week.

...You are in a long tough wave, but you are going to emerge from it Marj.....You are so right time is our best healer. In hindsight it is obvious to me that the 3 things that got me through were /are, time, BB friends on this thread ( support and encouragement) and distraction....

.....You are healing, it just feels awful....Wishing you a better day...  .coop

 

 

Thanks Coop, I have tried many things too. I actually consulted a homeopath when I didn't know what was wrong with me. I had been reducing the valium and had no idea what it could do to us. Yes, this has been a long arduous wave and I can't wait to emerge. 

[[...]]

Marj ... nobody gets left behind ... and we know that the remedy is time ...

 

And this process is so jammed packed with confusion, thinking we finally have things figured out, discouragement, some elation, exhaustion and some energy ... round and round it goes ... for all of us ... a rollercoaster on steroids as one Buddy put it many months ago ...

 

And ... the process is quite simple ... get off the drug ... stay off the drug ... and heal ... and it can be a quick process for some, take a while for others, and take a little longer for some others ...

 

And ... as far as anyone knows ... it does not matter who you are, where you live, what you have done, how long you took the drug(s), what drug(s) you took ... it is what most call an utter crap shoot ...

 

You are doing well, things will improve ... we just keep going day after day ...

 

Take care, my friend ... 

 

 

 

Nova, you explain it so well. Your words are comforting and healing as always. I'm so pleased your healing is kicking this beasts butt 

[[...]]

Hi all,

 

My day improved yesterday and I was even able to come home from work and do a couple of chores in the house. Yes it made me sweat but I wanted to and had the energy. I then went to pick my daughter up from her french lesson, felt ok until she told me she had called to see my Mum and she had been questioning her about when I'm going to get better and how come sometimes I seem ok and then not. I must have tried to explain how this works to her at least 10 times and this all stems from me missing a call and not calling her back. I just felt rage inside and just got me all worked up again. I understand it is difficult to 'get' what we are going through but honestly, every time I feel progress something comes along to push me right back down again. I didn't react as badly as I have before (no tears), sometimes it is so hard to keep on the right track when the ones you love are putting pressure on you. I just want to get well.

 

Sorry, just had to vent and I know some of you don't have your Mothers. This just takes energy I don't have.

[[Si...]]

Sorry marj that you had a setback. I feel the same way. Just as soon as I feel like I'm making progress, something comes along and smacks me back down. I was feeling relatively good the last two weeks and then I got a cold. Barely slept on Wednesday. Today I have to do a bunch of house work I've been putting off. Still feel like crap constantly sneezing and coughing. At least it's not nearly as bad as the flu I got six months ago that out me back into w/d hell. Hopefully when this cold goes I'll at least stay at the baseline I had. I'm super paranoid of setbacks caused by getting sick.

 

Hope everyone is doing ok today.

[[dr...]]

Marj-vent away.  Yes...the pressure put on others wether they mean it or not is incredible.  Even my fiancé meaning well says "you'll feel so much better by the wedding". I know she's saying it as encouragement but what I need to hear is "however you feel we'll get through it"  

 

It's my bday in three weeks and I remember going out to a big fair w a migraine and feeling like crap.  I said to myself " next year I'll be enjoying this". 

 

I'm okay....feel a bit off and not as good as yesterday but it's early so hoping to improve. 

[[so...]]

Thank you, Nova, for you reassuring words.  I'm feeling so strange that it is scaring me.  I've always been feeling the same kind of lousy these past 10 months and, now that things are weirdly changing somewhat it sends me into a kind of trance, like I'm not me somehow.  It's hard to explain, even when I talk I myself about it.

 

Love to you and so happy you are feeling the healing.

[[Si...]]

Yeah sofa it's hard to exactly put a finger on exactly what is making you feel bad, you just know you don't feel right nor good.

 

Drew, my wife does the same thing and sometimes I wish the phrasing were different, but I know she is coming from a place to make me feel better. You will for sure get through it when your wedding time comes around. It's in two months right? We'll both be around 18 months off at that point. I think I just passed my 16 month mark.

 

Today my depression returned. I was feeling much more positive before getting this cold. Hopefully it's only temporary.

[[dr...]]

I'll be 19 months off by wedding.

 

Can't type much...getting visual aura.  Hope headache doesn't follow.  Ugh.

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... getting knocked about pretty good today ... oh well ... it will lighten up in a while ...

 

Interesting about this head pressure ... used to always be generated with tight neck muscles and down the back and into my shoulders ... the source place seems to have moved forward, centered right inside my ears and in my temples ... maybe eventually the source point will move down past my nose and just fall off into wherever this stuff comes from ... 

 

And feeling boaty and off centre with some vibrations in my chest ... having a not too bad day otherwise ...

 

Went down to the Saturday market, which has been quite a chore for a long time, a hard, situational struggle for me, lots of noise and people bouncing around, and a lot of stimulation ... doesn't seem to phase me any more ... this is three Saturdays in a row I have gone down and returned with no situational fallout ...

 

Things improve ... you get bounced around a bit ... and things keep improving ... it's the road we travel ... 

 

 

[[No...]]

Marj ... the "situational" stuff and the relationship stuff does get better ... so many folks say so ... in the meantime it is tough going ... we often feel we are getting sideswiped by everything and everyone ...

 

We probably aren't, really ... it just feels that way because we find taking stuff in can be difficult and confusing ... we try so hard to stay on an even keel and often that just is not possible ...

 

The image of the spider and its web ... being blown to and fro by the slightest vibration or breeze ... and the web seems so fragile, so unstable, so hopeless ...

 

And the web is beautiful ... remarkable ... and if it does break or shred from time to time, our spider will weave other one ... seems there is an endless supply of webs available to all spiders in our universe ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[No...]]

Sofa ... yes ... this feeling strange is often disconcerting ... these shifts can make us feel unmoored ...

 

We get used to a rhythm ... and then we start noticing a shift ... and we begin to doubt ... and perhaps feel a little, or a lot, frightened ...

 

As we move on through the days of our healing, and we start to feel the clarity return, this feeling of strangeness loses some of feeling of otherness ... we gradually start recognizing that this is our healing talking ... the experience of the cacophony gradually morphs into an understandable conversation ...

 

Sometimes I imagine we are like little children learning their native language ... all feels like just noise in the beginning ... and it is confusing and distressing ... gradually the gift of language emerges ...

 

We are all getting there ... day by day ... 

[[No...]]

Drew and Siggy ... hoping things settle out for you and you both can have a quiet weekend ...

 

We have come a long way ... and whether we recognize it or not in this moment, we are getting well ... 

[[Si...]]

Thanks Nova. Glad your market outings are becoming less stressing. I'm feeling pretty terrible today. I am getting over the cold I've had since Wednesday. That weird burning head pressure is back after being gone for two weeks. I didn't think I was really in a window, but maybe I was? Not sure either if the cold set off a wave or if I'll go back to baseline after the cold is totally gone? I hate this depression too. I see a lot if my friends constantly in Facebook doing fun things and just can't even comprehend doing that stuff anymore. Sorry for my self pity party. I just hate feeling like this most of the time.

 

Drew you have a few months before your wedding. Hopefully you'll turn a big corner before then. Hope your headache passes. My wife is not feeling great today either. Hope she's not coming down with the cold I have.

 

I'm guessing some of the other regulars are out doing fun stuff since they're absent.